Not to be tested as a tissue match for estranged brother who needs kidney?

[GoodTouchBadTouch]

My husbands brother is 28 and having dialysis (?) 3 times a week, we aren't in contact with him, haven't been for years, no big bust up, he was just a bit of a wanker as a teenager, and identifies as a communist so there was no reason to see him again when we moved. We have only seen his mother twice in 10 years.

My husband still speaks with his mother (the are Scandinavian) and she told him a while ago that its getting to the point where he will need a transplant and my husband straight away said to count him out.

She was horrified and got upset. My husband said he doesn't want to go over to be tested as there is no point and we haven't heard from her for a while but I can see it being brought up again if she isn't a match. (she is diabetic anyway)

Im relieved he feels this way of course, but didn't forbid it or anything. I was reminded by the organ thread and just wondered what you would do? As we are quite cut-off I can only see one point of view. Ours. I hope we aren't being unreasonable... I don't think so

No it is a major undertaking and must be done for the right reasons.

Well saggy that's good on you, but you are not to judge anybody else. You would feel guilt but does not mean others would feel the same way you do

noddyholder While I do appreciate that improvements are being made all the time to the surgery involved, it will not eliminate the risks entirely, and never will.

Each person must make a decision that is right for them, regardless of whether donating will save someone else's life.

Yes I know but I think all sides must be presented. All surgery has risk. Things have definitely moved on between my 2 transplants though and my last one was 13 years ago this week! So now it is probably even better. But families need to talk about these things as it can happen to anyone sadly and when you are in teh middle of serious ill health and dialysis etc is not the best time

"I once read a story about a sister who refused and her brother died. It was heartbreaking. If I were the Mother I think, sadly, my relationship with the refuser would be over."

That is incredibly judgmental. If I had a mother like THAT then frankly I would not want a relationship with her. I would never give my brother a kidney. The reason for our estrangement is that he threatened me with a knife.

Imagine this senario. Brother gives one of his kidneys to his siblings. The donor then later develops kidney disease and needs a kidney himself. The donor dies and leaves two small children fatherless.

A parent giving a child a kidney is slightly different as we expect our children to outlive us.

I'm with really there. I hope the situation never arises but I'd like to think either or my DCs would at least consider it for the other, however if one didn't feel they couldn't I would be heartbroken but not cut them out, that's picking one kid over the other and if I was losing one I certainly wouldn't want to lose the other.

I am a donor card holder and am on the register. I have weird blood issues so don't donate (in fact someone jokingly asked me not to bother when I went with OH once!). I have made it clear to anyone who may get given that choice that I don't care what their personal views are on it, my organs are to go to donation and I don't want anyone refusing to allow that after my death. Live donation on the other hand is a very scary prospect, and now I have my DCs I feel I have more than just myself to be worrying about.

I don't think anyone should be forced to donate a kidney. I do think the reasons for not liking the brother are laughable. And the poster who said being a communist is as bad as being a nazi hasn't met many communists, I would imagine!

If a family member was vile and nasty to me in the past sorry they would remain in the past, I who uld not feel guilty about not donating, but wish them well and hope they find a donor

Any sort of judgement or feeling like you owe the person etc is very damaging. Talk talk talk before you decide. My brother and I are no closer than my sister and I and he donated to me. My mother finds this very difficult and it has caused issues. She thinks I owe them whereas my brother did it 100% for the right reasons.

That sounded wrong sorry! We are close but it has not made me closer to him than my lovely sister.

ReallyTired snap! Mine tried to kill me and my unborn child, and my mother sent him. I know that doesn't mean they deserve to die, but I wouldn't be the one risking my life and health for them.

I wish I could wish them the best and hope they find a donor but if I'm going to be brutally honest I'd feel sad for the person who was making such a wonderful sacrifice for such awful people.

This is largely not relevant to the OP however as the BIL hasn't tried to kill anyone that we know of.

YANBU or rather your DH isn't, it really is his body his choice. Honestly myself I would for my siblings but ours is a very different situation in our family bonds. Would i for a stranger? I honestly don't know, I'm not actively on that list though I'm on blood, marrow and organ but if someone contacted me and I was a match, I really don't know. I'd like to say yes but no one knows in that situation.

I know people who've donated to their parents, both are very fit and well and have no issues themselves but they made their own choices there. I know someone born with only one kidney and they're also ok but she has been warned she'll need close monitoring in pregnancy. One of the reasons donatees live longer is also because they get given a full checkup every year so any illnesses, esp serious, are caught more early.

Has the brother even asked for a kidney? Sounds like he isn't even considering your DH anyway.

Personally I think there should be more organ donation at death, we'd not have half the problem we have now if there was and honestly that's the one time that there's no physical or emotional fallout on the donator.

And the poster who said being a communist is as bad as being a nazi hasn't met many communists, I would imagine!
And lost the argument.

The decision to donate has to be 100% aulteristic not because the person has been put under pressure or forced into it, that is wrong. Totally agree flank I would do exactly as you would do, some people family or not are hjust left in the past for very good reasons

I have had a double organ transplant (one organ was a kidney) and thanks to my amazing (deceased) donor and the incredibly brave decision made by his mum to donate his organs, I now have a fantastic life and am currently expecting my second miracle baby :)
I would say OP though that YANBU. I was 26 when I had my transplant, I was told that I would be blind within a year; my kidneys were failing;, I had heart problems and just generally wasn't in a good way. It was initially thought that I should be listed for a pancreas transplant which after recovery would then be followed by a live donor kidney as the prognosis for live donor kidneys are better than cadaveric statistically. I was adamant from the very beginning that my DB and DS should not be tested. They are both younger than me and at the time had yet to have families of their own. I would have taken an organ from my DM or DF. The decision was actually taken out of my hands as after lots of tests it was felt that my need for a kidney was also urgent so I was listed for the double transplant.

I think it is impossible to say what any of us would do unless faced with the situation ourselves. It is only then that we will really look into possible impacts on life as a potential donor and the subsequent impacts it may have on our families.
Likewise for myself, I still hold the view that if I lose my kidney I will not want my DB and DS to be tested, but then this is easy for me to say now. Maybe if my kidney fails and I have been on dialysis for a few years with rapidly declining health, I may not be so sure? I also think about Reindeer's situation (hi Reindeer!) and how her husband doesn't talk about the transplant and think that I would probably be the same through feelings of guilt and this must be hard to live with too.

FWIW I have also had a kidney removed - I had to have 'open' surgery rather than keyhole which I understand is the usual method to retrieve a kidney from a donor and it is not a breeze by any means.

Please can I now be cheeky here and ask that if this thread has got people thinking about organ donation, please have a look for some more information on the UK Transplant website and join the organ register if you wish to. There are so many people waiting for transplants who cannot have 'live' organs eg. a pancreas must come from a cadveric donor. Thank youx

nobody is talking about forcing anyone

Emotional blackmail is 'forcing' him.

It won't be his fault if his brother dies.

I'm surprised at the number of people saying he should 'at least consider it'. Why? He has no relationship with his brother apart from sharing the same parents, it is practically no different to donating to a random man in the street.

"chicaguapa Thu 11-Jul-13 13:47:20
^Yes, YABU to not even consider it.

If my DH had that attitude in similar circumstances, it would affect our relationship and I would LTB. It displays an inherent level of selfishness that I wouldn't be able to live with I'm afraid.^"

Seriously? This isn't like donating a pint of blood! It would involve a serious operation with significant short and long term risks, including death. A long recovery period and unknown future health complications.

IMO It is never 'selfish' to put your own physical or mental health before the needs of others, it is basic human instinct of self-preservation.

He hardly ever talks to his mother and has seen her twice in ten years. I doubt there is any scope at all for emotional blackmail

"I'm surprised at the number of people saying he should 'at least consider it'. Why? He has no relationship with his brother apart from sharing the same parents, it is practically no different to donating to a random man in the street. "

Actually if you have a really hideous brother, many people might prefer to donate their organ to someone in the street. Especially as they know that the person will wreck the organ by constantly getting pissed.

He may not have a relationship with him now, but they grew up together. Years of sharing/fighting/just being together. Hardly a stranger in the street. I think if he had said "I've thought about it but the health risks to me are too great given i have kids etc" then it would be more palatable than an outright refusal, based on not liking him very much.

So no problem then, he just says no and the matter is finished.

I'm really astonished that people are being so idealistic and sentimental about the sibling relationship. What OP is basically describing is an estranged relationship with a toxic relative. Why on earth should her DH risk his life and health or at the very least go through some heavy duty surgery for someone like that? There are enough threads on here about toxic families that I would have thought people would get that even if they don't have personal experience of being no-contact with relatives.

FWIW I wouldn't donate to my sister, nor would I expect her to. I wouldn't even be tested.

What OP means I think when she talks about 'aggressive communism' is a situation of someone being wedded to a totally uncompromising political ideology and being obnoxious and dismissive to family members about their life choices because of it. It sounds as though the brother's communism encompasses opposition to anyone having what in our society is a fairly normal freedom of being able to get a higher education, and quite probably a whole lot more stuff which is fundamentally oppressive of individuals' personal liberty. And I say this from personal experience of family members who are/were communists. If you don't have any experience of it, let me assure you it is far from being a fluffy bunny ideology.

She didn't say anything about him being toxic, don't be adding in your own baggage.

Plenty of us communists are perfectly fluffy lovely people, thanks all the same.

Lol I guess it is pretty communist to actually want bits of other people given to you...