To wish that nurses would think twice about calling older people 'sweetheart' and 'darling'

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

I know, I know, they are trying to be nice, they are good people, if all I have to worry about is the terms of endearment the HCPs use, I have a lucky life, etc.

But I can't help feeling that many older people (and younger, too, actually, because they do it to them too) inwardly flinch at being called sweetheart and darls, with lots of 'bless yous' in between. Which is what nurses in particular seem to do.

My grandad's a grown up man with all his faculties; he's not quite with it at the moment after surgery, and the indignity of that position seems to me to made worse when, towards the end of your life, you're suddenly addressed like a baby. 'Alright darls, ooh you don't like that do you, bless you' etc - I know they're trying to be kind, and they are kind, but couldn't they just think twice about how they address people older than them, and consider that it might be a tad patronizing?

Or is that unreasonable of me?

I've been called some pretty bizarre things actually.
"The bairn" ins nursing home where I was a young 18 year old and about 20 years younger than the rest of the staff.
"Blondie" even though I'm brown.
"Twit" as before mentioned
"Chickadee" "smiler" "gobby"

It's a bit different when you give long term care though.

Interesting discussion. If my patients can answer I ask them what they prefer to be called, or if not ask a family member what they prefer (especially as there's a lot of people who go by names other than their official one). I would maybe use Mr/Mrs if in doubt.

In an outpatients or A&E or a clinic type setting I think a more formal approach, Mr/Mrs, is much more appropriate. But in some healthcare settings you can get to know the patients quite well and to me it is strange and cold to be still referring to a patient as Mr Smith when he's been there 3 weeks, or months even.

I have a lot of younger patients, and while it's maybe making a bit of an assumption, I do tend to call people under about 35 by their first name.

I think darling, duck, sweety, love, can be really dreadful if used in a condescending way, e.g to the "little old lady in bed 3" but its not always like that, and can be quite warm and genuine. I usually avoid these, perhaps I feel a bit too young to use them, but I don't think it's always wrong. It really depends on context. I think Nosila made a very good point about affection.

I'm not sure if anyones already made the point about regional differences. I live "up north" and everyone calls each other "love", blokey blokes call other blokes "love", bus drivers say it, and so on, it's just seen as being nice.

'So, if you are a nurse on a general ward then you are expected to remember everybodies name?'

yes of course, the nurse is the one giving out the drugs, so they have to know everyone's names, or at least check the name on the ID band. In my experience, most nurses do know all the patients names on the ward.

I only ever use 'sweetheart' for my children. Even dh I call by his name.

For patients, I use Mr and Mrs, as is the habit here in Belgium, and if I get to know them very well, then they usually suggest I call them by their first name.

I call all of my children's friends sweetheart or darling but they are little children, I'd never use these words with an elder as its patronising to them they are not kids

I agree with pp, it does depend in context... If the old lady in bed 3 has been with you 3 weeks and you are a regular doc/nurse/hcp on the ward and you breeze past saying "you ok there chicken/sweetheart/lovely" I'd think that quite patronising. If, as I think frumpet said a couple of pages ago, that lady has said she didn't want to bother you but she's in pain, "oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry I didn't realise" is an endearment and a caring response, and not patronising.
And op, I didn't think you were nurse bashing.

Vintage - "A very firm word in the sluice". My heart absolutely sinks if that's your management style or if you think that is an at all appropriate way of helping staff be better in their jobs.

With regards to the OP, it varies hugely and can be very hard to judge. The first contact with a patient is so important, some want to be addressed formally, others would prefer to be put at ease straight away and a term of endearment does that. Also it's true that this varies hugely regionally.

When I was last in hospital, I cannot remember how they addressed me.

Get flamed for trying to be nice & welcoming. Nurses can't do anything right these days.

For the record I work in an elderly care home & call everyone "darling" "love" & "sweetheart" along with their name. They all like it & I have actually been praised in all my supervisions for my communication & care towards wording to the residents.

Who flamed you, secondchance? If you read what has been said, I have been anything but critical of nurses, and all I have said is I wish they would think twice about this one thing.

I know I was an an excellent nurse . Saw all my patients /service users as individuals . Noted their body language and the way the talked .
Read their notes . Asked them what they would like to be called and reacted accordingly....most of the time .
I often used sweetheart and the like sometimes because it came naturally to me when someone was vomiting copiously and I was beside them . I used it when a person was so scared and frightened of surgery.
I used it to soothe a dementia sufferer who thought I was his mum.

When I became ill I remember the nurse who hugged me and called me duckie .

Good nurses are empathetic . Sometimes the care role makes them say words that are not appropriate but it comes from the heart .

Know which nurse I want. A good one will know what to address you as . But if in acute pain or distress a little "oh love whats wrong?" cant do any harm either .

Yes, I agree: it is the automatic and unstinting darlings and sweethearts which I am questioning.

I agree OSN ..not nice to be patronised ever. And very wrong .

When I worked in a customer facing role I occasionally went as far as calling my favourite elderly customers "lovely" every now and then. But in the main avoided pet names. Because useless you've built up some kind of routine with people they are quite likely to think "oh fuck off don't patronise me". Or is that me being horrible?

Can't say I ever referred to any customer over the age of around 6 as "young man/lady" though. That is weird. I can understand why people don't like it.

I think the default should ALWAYS be formality until invited to be less formal.

I agree Verlaine. My patients are ALWAYS Mr or Mrs......... until they tell me otherwise.

It is patronising, and from anyone else, it would be irritating, but I think when it comes to nurses, I'd let it go. As bassetfeet says, "Good nurses are empathetic . Sometimes the care role makes them say words that are not appropriate but it comes from the heart ."

I didnt say I got flamed.

When I was training as a nurse I would call patients mr or mrs, using their last name. If they then asked me to call them by their christian name I would try to remember to use that instead. It was easy at the hospitals i worked in becuase there was always a board above the bed with their name on.

I loved working with the elderly in particular as if you treat them with the dignity and respect they deserve they are so grateful its lovely. However some even took umbridge at me calling them mr or mrs whatever and would rather be called sir or madam. So it totally depends on the patient. I personally tried not to use sweetheart/love etc, but knew plenty of cheeky old chaps who loved the nurses calling them pet names.

Working in care I use sweetheart, darling, my love and so on however would never use poor poppet, bless you and so on. Simply because I would call a friend sweetie when encouraging but would never say oh you poor poppet to them. For me there is a line of being familiar and warm and being patronising. Obviously it is a subjective line though, I do watch out in case I cause offence, one lady hates love but would never say that - she just tenses when it is used. A gentleman hates all of it and only gets his name - but he is quite happy to let people know that

I personally have no problem whatsoever with being called "sweetheart" or "darling." I am a feminist etc and know I probably should but actually I find the idea of these terms of endearment being off limits as extremely depressing. I certainly think describing them as "horrible" as one poster did is pretty bonkers.

But having said that I think with older people the importance of dignity and respect is so great in these cases that it might be a valid point.

Sorry havent read full thread but I am a radiographer and I always address my patients as sir, madam or their proper name I.e. mr ms mrs .... Unless asked to do otherwise.
i work in specialist area so do see them for more than 5 mins .

Now just skimmed a bit of the thread, and I must say , I personally really dislike my first name being used in healthcare settings, and much prefer the formality of my surname.

GoshAnneGorilla:My heart absolutely sinks if that's your management style or if you think that is an at all appropriate way of helping staff be better in their jobs.

Really?

So pulling a student/junior Staff Nurse aside, to the sluice room as it wasn't going to be an official warning, but needed privacy. If it was an experienced Staff Nurse, well if it was a one off thing I would check they were ok, if it was a regular thing yes serious words would be had.

And saying firmly but supportively, it is not appropriate to speak to patients like that, you know the patients name, it is more dignified to use the form of their name that they prefer. I'm not talking about not been friendly and caring particularly if you know the patient well. the phrase the OP used was A'lright darls, ooh you don't like that do you, bless you'

I can think of no tone that the phrase above could be said in that it wouldn't come across as patronising.

And just to save your sinking heart many of the students I mentored have kept in touch, and several of them still seek my advice both in thier own career and in how to support students.

Bear a firm word at the time than failing them at the end of the placement.

And I don't know why everyone in the NHS automatically calls patients by their first name. I think it should be on the notes what you prefer to be called.

I think it can cause problems too, to assume. I was once in hospital (as a patient) and the very elderly lady who the staff kept calling "Margaret" would never respond to them. I though she was probably very badly affected by Alzheimers or similar.

I watched in amazement as her (I suppose distant) family arrived to visit after a couple of days, hooting and hollering "Wotcha, Queenie Girl!" and she responded spot on and chatted away for the whole visit. Obviously her name WAS Queenie and she had no reason to respond to a name she'd probably not heard since her christening.

Always Mr or Mrs with me initially, but then I'm a roving HCP who doesn't see people that frequently. I would find it pretty strange to be called 'Mrs Architrave' for longer than a few hours by someone who was taking me for a shit four times a day and holding my hair while I puked. I also worked with a nurse the other day who referred to her patients universally as 'my dear' but she was an absolutely shit hot nurse with a kind of laser-beam of focused attention on her patients' comfort and wellbeing, and I will bet that nobody has ever complained about her naming because she is a respectful professional. Fundamentally I think people can sense where you are coming from when you call them by any name - it's possible to be passive aggressive when using a formal name, and respectful when using an endearment. That's why written records of conversations often don't capture what went wrong and right about them - interaction is more complex than that.

I do also find that a lot of patients just roll their eyes if I use Mr or Mrs/ask about using their first name, but because I don't see them often I'd rather they thought I was over-formal than risk being disrespectful.

One issue for that generation I'm always being caught out by is the number who aren't known by their first given name, but by their second name or another apparently random name. It's REALLY common and since I work with people who may not be able to speak, it can be a few days before we find out why they're not responding to their supposed name. Makes sense in that case to stick to formality until you know what they're really called.

x post mandy!