To wish that nurses would think twice about calling older people 'sweetheart' and 'darling'

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

I know, I know, they are trying to be nice, they are good people, if all I have to worry about is the terms of endearment the HCPs use, I have a lucky life, etc.

But I can't help feeling that many older people (and younger, too, actually, because they do it to them too) inwardly flinch at being called sweetheart and darls, with lots of 'bless yous' in between. Which is what nurses in particular seem to do.

My grandad's a grown up man with all his faculties; he's not quite with it at the moment after surgery, and the indignity of that position seems to me to made worse when, towards the end of your life, you're suddenly addressed like a baby. 'Alright darls, ooh you don't like that do you, bless you' etc - I know they're trying to be kind, and they are kind, but couldn't they just think twice about how they address people older than them, and consider that it might be a tad patronizing?

Or is that unreasonable of me?

[Sallystyle]

I actually think it's quite lovely.

But I am the kind of person that when I am in pain or anything I quite like being 'babied' I had a midwife who kept calling me darling and sweetheart in labour and I liked it.

However, I can't imagine how it would feel to be old and spoke to in that way so obviously it is best to refrain from doing so.

[RestingUnderTheSun]

Sorry frumpet didn't get the tongue in cheek part :)

[SoniaGluck]

YANBU. It's not difficult to understand that fully competent elderly people might find it patronising to be called "dearie" or something similar, is it?

I am first in the queue to praise the work that nurses do. They have a shockingly difficult job and are often overworked and under appreciated (not to mention underpaid). But talking down to an elderly person just because they are elderly is a form of arrogance.

These people have lived a long life and possibly achieved lots of things in their lives. Just think of all your achievements, competences, experiences then fast forward 20/30/40 years. It could be you being called "dearie" by someone decades younger and being treated a bit dismissively just because you're old.

I do think it is a cultural thing, though. As a society we seem to see old people as somehow of less importance than younger people. I honestly don't know if we can change this perception.

[whiteandyellowiris]

I think its nice really, so guess it depends on the person being treated, as long as they treat you like a decent human being, no much point getting pissed off over being called love as they can't please everyone

feel for nurses they always get it in the neck from every angle

[frumpet]

I don't see this as having a go at nurses though , its always good to look at things from other peoples perspectives and thinking about the way you do your job .
I have explained the reasons why i may use certain words , but although the reasons may be apparent to me , as another psoter has pointed out , those reasons and the intended meaning may not be apparent to someone i was looking after .

Now ,can i do a list of all the names i have been called by patients and their relatives ovwer the years

[Birdsgottafly]

I think that the HCP should hold off using terms of endearment, until they can judge the person.

I was a previously fit and healthy early 40's woman, when i suddenly became very ill and needed care. I liked the "babying", it gave me reassurance that i was being cared for and not just treated, iyswim. Even one of my doctors, patted my shoulder, when i unexpectedly, took a turn for the worse and had to be put back on drips, it made me feel human.

I judge who to address in this way and who not to, as well as asking, when i have worked in Social Care settings.

I take my Mum (85) out in her wheelchair and i said that i think that it is patronising the way that random people now address her, she said that she liked it and it made her feel less vulnerable, as they were acknowledging that she needed support, she liked the attention, rather than being invisible, as well.

I think that it is individual and you can never speak for other people. I would find it cold to be addressed how some on here are saying, i have known my Nurses, who now see my in clinic, for 5 years, they know me better than many of my friends.

As we age, we do change and so do our feelings, i learn't that when i worked in care homes, after listening to numerous aging people. What you think now, when you are well and younger, may not be how you always think. I doubt that unless you have had difficult pregnancies, many will not appreciate what it means to be and feel truly vulnerable, reliant on others and frightened.

[vintagecakeisstillnice]

I?m an ex-HCP and used to do a lot of student supervision and mentoring and I?d have that that person in the Sluice room with a very firm word.
In my opinion and practice, patients were always Mr or Mrs/Miss.
Ask what they want to be called, it may be Mr/Mrs/Miss, it might be they?re given name or a variation of this or a totally different name. A lot of my older patients were named after parents so rather than having Daddy David and Baby David the child was known by their second name.
Never assume a relationship, (Oh is this you?re daughter? No that?s my wife. . . , that wasn?t me, I was the idiot who said is this your granddaughter ).

Yes a sweetheart or my lovely is nice but it?s not always the words and I think this is what the OP is saying it?s the tone its said in. And you have to know the patient, some will appreciate it some will think you?re a prat and have no respect or confidence in you.

[valiumredhead]

Actually, if a nurse is being kind they can call me pretty much whatever they bloody like!

[impecuniousmarmoset]

I think the key is the imbalance of power involved in medical settings, and not just for the elderly. I actually don't mind 'love' or 'sweetie' so much, because it's warm and endearing - though not to a 90 year old, that does seem disrespectful. But what I do really mind is doctors and consultants calling me by my first name unasked, because they clearly wouldn't like it if I called them 'john' or 'angela' or whatever. That's not endearing, it's straightforwardly patronising and supercilious. I'm not a 12 year old girl, I'm a woman in my 30s and if I go to the bank or my solicitor, I get called 'Dr Marmoset'. Why should it be different in a medical setting? No other professional would get away with talking down to their client group like that.

[Signet2012]

I get you op.

I had to have a word with a staff member who insisted on calling all our clients chick, Hun or sweetheart.

She was 19. These patients where 70+

Although I did spend a long time caring for a man who called me "twat" and I called him "twit". Basically someone had said once in the club I used to take him too "here is twit and twat" and it stuck. He was a funny lovely bloke and we had a lot of fun.

[JerseySpud]

I think alot of it is a generational thing. The older generation expect/prefer to be called Mr/Mrs/Miss xxxx whereas the younger generation who are just going into nursing now are used to calling each other hun/sweetie/lovely etc

I found it hard when i was doing my training getting the right prefix for womens names as if i said Miss i got told 'No its Mrs' and visa versa >.

[Lifeisontheup]

It is such an individual thing though, I always ask patients 'what can I call you?' but then in the heat of the moment I may forget their name and call them 'sweetheart' or indeed 'Sir' or 'Madam' although I have been told off several times by an outraged patient for calling them sir/madam.

The patients frequently call me love/sweetheart/babe/buddy and I don't generally mind even though I hate babe/buddy. I do draw the line at being addressed as bitch or bitch woman which has happened a few times from a variety of ages too which surprised me.

[wanderings]

I've heard "pop" (the verb) can be ubiquitous here.

"Let's pop you in bed..."

"Pop yourself on that chair..."

[VerlaineChasedRimbauds]

I know that my father - who was very polite, tried to be no trouble and hated to give offence - really didn't like being called anything other than Mr xxx. He felt he couldn't tell the nurses this, though at one point when someone asked whether he would like to be called Anthony or Tony (he was never, in fact referred to by this first name by people he knew in any case) he did try "you can call me His Lordship". All the nurses liked him, but only a few actually picked up that he preferred formality because he was too polite to tell them his preference.

I think the default should ALWAYS be formality until invited to be less formal.

If you don't know the patient's name then I still think formality is ok. Forgetting in the heat of the moment - or using dear or sweetheart when doing your best to be kind when someone is anxious or distressed is FINE and completely understandable. But it shouldn't be the default because LOTS of people don't like it, honestly they don't - but they are too polite to say!

I am astonished at the defensiveness from some people on this thread. Everyone has acknowledged what a good and difficult job the nurses do. An unwillingness to acknowledge that patients may be made uncomfortable is rather surprising to me. In fact, I'm surprised you're surprised.

[nosila12]

It's probably no excuse but when you are on a ward, dealing with tens of people in a shift and their beds are filled by somebody else the next day, it's quite hard sometimes to be on top of all the names. Quite a few elderly people do prefer first names I found. The washing/dressing is very personal and you do have to build up some kind of rapport fairly quickly because you have a lot of people to care for in a shift. So whilst I do think it's awful to hear everybody called honey, darling, lovely by a carer/nurse - I think it's understandable if used on occasion. There is also a need to provide some affection for those who have absolutely nobody in the outside world who may be long-term patients - a situation I came across many times.

[VerlaineChasedRimbauds]

You see I think "what can I call you?" won't work for many older people. How should they answer that without seeming pompous if they prefer Mr or Mrs? I think it is much safer to start with Mr or Mrs or Miss - and it is normally on a sign over the bed. Then the older person can invite people to call them by their first name - which is how it works (or used to work) "in society".

[VerlaineChasedRimbauds]

I understand that it must be very difficult - and when patients come and go it must be next to impossible - but when someone is likely to be in for a while it's such a vital for thing for some people. I just know how my poor Dad used to wince at the endearments and babying that went on. He actually felt able to speak up on someone else's behalf - but not on his own. An (even more) elderly gentleman next to him was finding it very difficult and Dad did speak to a Doctor on the ward about it.

[echt]

Verlaine is right.

I hope I have the strength to poke the eye of the fucker who calls me
"Dear"

[AmberLeaf]

I really get the points being made on how it can be patronising to some people.

But on the other hand I know that some people like such terms and feel cared for when someone speaks to them in that way, I think HCPs should probably ask patients how they prefer to be addressed, I think some people would guide them on this too ie 'hello Mrs Brown'.....patient; 'ooh please call me Sue' so if a less formal approach is prefered then the patient will say so.

Some people do like it though, my elderly relative [ER] had evening carers go into her home to help her get to bed, there were regular ones, but occasionally there would be a different one sent in to cover. I remember my ER being particularly taken with a carer who called her 'beautiful lady' as she combed her hair, ER said it was nice because you don't hear that much at her age [late 80s], I know some would have found that patronising/overstepping, but it really made her day. This carer was Russian, possibly addressing someone like that is more usual in her own country?

I think I would like to be addressed by my name when discussing medical details/care plans but wouldn't mind the odd 'sweetheart' at other times. Id take it as intended which IMO would be as a way of showing care or kindness.

[diddl]

I will say that when my Dad was very ill, he was well looked after-can't fault it at all.

But as he said-he'd left his dignity at the door.

Not the nurses fault, of course.

He needed bed baths, straw to drink with & help feeding himself initially.

I think being referred to as "love" would have finished him off!

I think being called by him name helped him feel like a person, rather than just someone else being looked after.

[Lifeisontheup]

I work for the ambulance service though so we have to ask and don't have the aide memoire of a written note over a bed. I try and write it on my glove but then throw it away. Some people do ask to be called Mrs/Mr and I do try and respect that it's just that sometimes the situation is a bit fraught and names slip out of my head.

I do understand as there are times and places where I hate being called by my first name but don't have the right to ask people to call me Mrs .... or I feel awkward doing so.

[AmberLeaf]

Good point nosila12 re affection.

[Tanith]

Oh dear!

I call everyone "my love", "lovely" or "darling". I even did it to DS's headmaster once

I'm terrible with instantly recalling names (I usually manage them after a moment) so it's just easier and quicker.

Am I patronising?

[doingthesplitz]

YANBU. It is undermining and patronising.

[VerlaineChasedRimbauds]

Tanith - I'm afraid it would make me cringe, yes... I would prefer that you just avoided calling me anything. I'm hopeless with names too, but I would try not to use endearments in their place. If it was in business environment I would probably use Sir or Madam - if not, I think it's fairly easy to avoid using anything until you can find out the name again!