To wish that nurses would think twice about calling older people 'sweetheart' and 'darling'

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

I know, I know, they are trying to be nice, they are good people, if all I have to worry about is the terms of endearment the HCPs use, I have a lucky life, etc.

But I can't help feeling that many older people (and younger, too, actually, because they do it to them too) inwardly flinch at being called sweetheart and darls, with lots of 'bless yous' in between. Which is what nurses in particular seem to do.

My grandad's a grown up man with all his faculties; he's not quite with it at the moment after surgery, and the indignity of that position seems to me to made worse when, towards the end of your life, you're suddenly addressed like a baby. 'Alright darls, ooh you don't like that do you, bless you' etc - I know they're trying to be kind, and they are kind, but couldn't they just think twice about how they address people older than them, and consider that it might be a tad patronizing?

Or is that unreasonable of me?

[Xmasbaby11]

It does sound a bit patronising, but nurses are in a caring role and it would seem very strange to address patients as Mr/Mrs ...

I am in my 30s and when I was in hospital often during my pregnancy and then labour and for a week after, I was often called darling etc my nurses and midwives and they spoke to me so affectionately. I was so grateful for this. Patients can feel so alone and vulnerable - it's important to feel looked after.

[DoctorRobert]

YANBU. HCPs should treat people with respect and dignity - which would include addressing them as Mr / Mrs, not using some cringeworthy term of endearment.

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I think we should show respect to our elders, because they are from a generation where that was expected. And it's wrong to infantilize the elderly.

[McNewPants2013]

In work I never use sweetheart or darling, these are things I call my DH and it don't feel right addressing patients like it.

If thier name isn't clear I will just ask then and apologise when I forget the name.

[expatinscotland]

Mum, by some geezer whom, if his mum is still alive, she must be related to the Queen Mum, and I've seen him every day for a week or more and introduced myself more than once. Watch all the juniors fall out laughing when I replied, with a straight face, I prefer MILF. And then even harder when he says, 'Okay. That's a very unusual name,' with a genuine look of puzzlement.'

[expatinscotland]

'How does Mum feel about that?' 'I don't know, do they have phones in the afterlife? That looks like the only way you can ask yours, you lazy git.' No, I didn't say that, but I wanted to! 'You flatter me, I'm sure your mother has much to be proud of in you, but I am not she.'

[RevoltingPeasant]

I really don't mind what I'm called BUT I have a pet peeve about equality - it hacks me off that my consultant calls me Revolting but clearly expects to be addressed as Mr Wonderful.

I also think if as an HCP you want to be called by your title then you should keep things formal with the patient as well. IMO you can't say "would you prefer to be called Annie?" And then when they agree, announce yourself as Dr Ocular.

But ime nurses are fine about this and it tends to be older and more senior doctors. I really like all the nurses and technicians at my local hospital but find there is a much higher rudeness quotient amongst the drs. Not all, though, by any means! And not so much those under 40

[kelda]

'when I replied, with a straight face, I prefer MILF.'

that has to be the best possible reply to being called 'mum' by a doctor.

[MalcolmTuckersMum]

secondchances Thu 11-Jul-13 16:02:27

Get flamed for trying to be nice & welcoming. Nurses can't do anything right these days

I can't help this is nothing but wilful misreading of the OP and the OP's subsequent posts - not to mention all the other posts agreeing with the OP AND the very sensible and rather lovely posts of frumpet. And anyway - perhaps secondchances would spare us a minute to explain exactly WHAT else nurses are doing to warrant that rather snippy "Nurses can't do anything right these days" because I completely don't see nurses being criticised anywhere.

[expatinscotland]

I had months of it, kel, I started getting creative. Same unit, for months and months and months. And in-patient, too. Not a place with high turnover (it was a paed onco unit). Walking in the corridor, 'Mum, Mum!' and every woman in there turns her head. I mean, 'Duh!'

The worst is junior doctors. It's true, I'm old enough to be their mother, but I'm not and starting an entire generation out being unprofessional and lazy is just not on.

'I am not your mother, please do not call me that,' usually sufficed.

[secondchances]

Malcom- Firstly, please calm down. Secondly, nurses are being criticized all the time. Neglecting patients, missing things that were "obvious" & now calling patients darling. I respect them a lot for their job because I know I'd get too attached to people being there. It's always in the papers about nurses. It's just sad that they're always treading on broken glass.

[secondchances]

I'd best explain the part about missing obvious things & neglecting patients.

With the shortage of nurses as it is, is it any wonder they miss things or forget patients. When they scream for help they're put on hold or sent elsewhere. Where I work we had someone come in who worked at a hospital. He said he'd never go back. The lack of team work, respect & just simple communication is poor.

[MammaTJ]

I do do this, but I work in a residential home for the elderly with mental health problems.

It does not always work best to call them by just their names alone, they think you are strangers if you do this.

Jeanie sweetheart works better than just Jean or Mrs X. She won't move for either of the latter but she will for the former, assuming a relatonship she does not feel, in the lack of feeling relationships.

I don't know what you would suggest in this very common scenario OP when it is more common that your Dads situation of being in control of all faculties! Any ideas would be welcome.

[KirstyJC]

I am an HCP and today I gave a lady a big hug and called her 'my love'. I might even have said 'there, there' in a soothing tone too.

Because she was in tears and said she missed having human contact with her family since being in hospital and was lonely. She stopped crying and was beaming ear to ear afterwards, and I have promised to give her another hug tomorrow.

Before this conversation, she was being called Mrs X by most of the staff. They were looking after her well, giving her medications, her meals, offering her drinks etc. But she kept declining to get up and try to walk, and seemed quite apathetic - we were getting worried she might lose the ability if she stopped completely.

So, I sat down with her and asked if I could use her first name. She smiled and said 'yes please' and then we had a lovely chat about her and her family and what she was feeling, ending with this hug. Since then, she has got up and walked with me at least twice, and the other staff also - now I have told them to call her by her first name.

I think the most respectful thing anyone can do is to do whatever that person needs us to at that time. That might be using first names, it might be responding in kind ie sweetie etc or it might be Mr/Mrs. Someone might want a consultant on a ward round to call them Mrs X but it would be odd if the nurse helping you to wipe your bottom for the last week did - as one man said to me, 'you've seen every bit of me now whether you wanted to or not, so I think we are on first name terms!'

I remember in training we were cautioned about the use of overfamiliarity and things like hugging patients. I decided to ignore it and do what felt right at the time. I stand by that still.

[ungelato]

My dad is 84 and thankfully still active, but has been in hospital a few times with a broken pelvis and cardiac surgery, he hated being called darling or love or sweetheart, he's so independant and is still driving. My Aunt will take him by the arm and dote over him, he lets her do it and I feel so sorry for him as he hasn't the heart to tell her to lay off!

I've been a nurse for 28 years and I know where he's coming from, he is just the kind of person who hates being doted over. I'm much the same, I'm not the type of person who calls people love or sweetheart, my MIL always called me sweetheart and I thought she liked me, silly me, she hated me and I learned the hard way.

The NMC says that you treat people in a professional manner and show dignity, to me that means you ask your patients what name you would like to call them and respect that. In saying that in some situations you do have to give comfort and support but intuition will tell you what to say at the right time.

[Giraffinalaugh]

Oh fgs yabu! Us nurses work incredibly hard and often have a million and one things to remember and more patients to look after than we should. And as much as we make the effort with names, clinically speaking you tent to think "my bed 7 needs x, i need to do this for bed 12". We want to make these people as comfortable as they can be, old or young regardless we use terms of endearment without thinking twice because we want people to feel warm and at home and because we are trying to be respectful. If they took away half of the paperwork and jumping through hoops we woukd have enough time in a shift to "think" about these things more and remember everybodys names without fear of getting it wrong. Id rather be called sweetheart in hospital than coldy called nothing at all.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

Vintage - no, it is not appropriate to take someone in the sluice. Sluices are never particularly pleasant, nor are they especially private.
Glad you think the staff member's heinous crime wasn't worthy of official sanctions though.

The student/staff member in question obviously did not know she was being patronising. When someone does not know something you teach them how to do it properly in a positive manner, not eagerly dish out a bollocking in the sluice.

Note you didn't say "have a little chat", you said "have a very firm word" that's a bollocking in my book.

[VerlaineChasedRimbauds]

Of course nurses work hard and have many challenges, but what is frustrating is that some of the nurses being defensive don't seem to want to believe that this is important to some patients. Some patients care deeply about it, but are too embarrassed and too polite to say so.

Of course it's not as important as many of the other wonderful and necessary things you do when caring for people - but it is still an important thing that it is possible for nurses to change - and would be appreciated by some patients. It's not flaming, it's not blaming, it's pointing out something that could be done to improve someone's stay in hospital or experience in outpatients. Just because this particular topic is being discussed does NOT mean that posters are unappreciative of the wonderful work that nurses do. The remark: "It does sound a bit patronising, but nurses are in a caring role and it would seem very strange to address patients as Mr/Mrs ..." is really missing the point that for some of the patients it would not be strange at all to be addressed as Mr/Mrs, it would be normal - and very much preferred! Some people not accepting that this is true is what is puzzling me.

I accept that some nurses have made a big effort to establish what people would like to be called - and that everyone is different - and that there will be some circumstances where terms of endearment are appropriate/welcome/don't matter - but not to accept that it does matter to some, or to say "do I have to remember that on top of everything else" seems - bewildering.

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

YY verlaine, it is a bit odd when nurses are saying 'we work hard, we are only doing it because we care and we are nice' and are then so very dismissive of someone's comments about what actual people might find upsetting or might not be happy with!

I'm just saying, some people might not really like it. Would it be worth having a think abut that? Or should your patients get a grip FFS?

[FannyFifer]

I think it also depends on the person who is using the terms of endearment & the situation.

I have used sweetheart, darling & handsome on occasion, usually when trying to persuade a confused elderly person to eat some dinner or have a wee drink.

Can also work quite well when a client is aggressive and I need to de-escalate a situation, a softly softly voice, manner and using terms of endearment can sometimes bring someone round.

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

Sorry, second, on re-reading it seems you're saying this happens because nurses can't remember people's names, not because they're being caring and kind.

[ithaka]

I agree with the OP - I was called sweetheart by a doctor (repeatedly) in a most inappropriate situation & it still riles me when I think of it.

The vet calls me Mrs Ithaka, until I say, please call me First name - so did the postie, come to think of it. If you are Doctor then I am Mrs.

For nurses, I can see they provide more intimate care that could encourage familiarity, but I think it is probably safest to work on the basis that most people don't like to feel patronised, so that should be avoided, wherever possible.

My daughter has had wonderful, lifesaving care through the NHS, so I am not looking to pick holes.

But at no stage in my life, ever, ever, ever, even (especially) when deciding whether to switch off my son's life support have I ever wanted to be called sweetheart, dearie or love. So I would greatly appreciate all medical practitioners reflecting on that.

[ilovesooty]

I think that it's patronising, especially when the older person is vulnerable, maybe stripped of all dignity

A point that was made on the safeguarding adults training I attended today.

I agree with the OP.

[MidniteScribbler]

I can't imagine a nurse calling anyone by a term of endearment all the time. I'm sure it's one of those things that just slip out at certain points without it being a conscious thing.

I know when I was in labour I started out at "Miss X" which then progressed to my first name as my labour progressed. By the time I was giving birth the midwife was calling me "darl". "OK darl, there's another contraction coming now, and you're going to push." I really can't imagine being called "Miss X" with my legs in the air screaming in pain. It would seem a lot more uncomfortable to me. Maybe it was the midwife involved, she was a mature woman with a thick yorkshire accent and I'm sure there was just something so natural about her saying it. It may have been weird if it were a male nurse or young midwifery student doing it.

[bedhaven]

I've always asked the person what they prefer to be called and used that, I have rarely been asked to use title. I think it depends on intention, if a term is used in a condescending way I'm offended. If used in a friendly way, I don't mind.
I prefer not to be called Nurse, it's not my name nor my title, I wear a badge that says my name and I am happy to introduce myself but hey I'm not gonna give you a hard time if you address me in a commonly used form not meaning to be rude.