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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bit scared I may have just unleashed bridezilla!

71 replies

littlepeas · 10/07/2013 08:36

Just told my sister she should not use a poem asking for money on her wedding website. I also told her why. Was asked to proof read it, not pass judgement on it, but I was very nice and offered alternative wording. I feel like I was reasonable, but feel all nervous about her response (was email).

OP posts:

Trills · 10/07/2013 08:38

Is she still going to ask for money, but not through poetry?

Some people like cheesy poetry. They probably choose cards with tacky rhymes in too.

Original poster

littlepeas · 10/07/2013 08:40

Yes, she will still ask for money. The poem is really awful.

OP posts:

Justforlaughs · 10/07/2013 08:40

be afraid! very afraid

MrsBucketxx · 10/07/2013 08:41

yup asking for cash is very bad taste.

what happened to good old fashioned gift lists.

fluffyraggies · 10/07/2013 08:46

Good for you OP! You have done the right thing :)

Just to clarify though - she should not use a poem asking for money - did you tell her she shouldn't be asking for money, or just not using a poem to do so?

Personally i'll be telling my DDs that if and when they get hitched i will be mortified if they ask for stuff from their guests - especially cash!

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 10/07/2013 08:48

Wedding WEBSITE??????????????????

Edendance · 10/07/2013 08:50

I don't really see the problem with asking for money, as long as its phrased nicely. If you already have a home and things in it, asking for more stuff for the sake of it is pointless and wasteful. Most guests just want to give a useful gift, and often cash is as useful as possible- boring though it may be! Travel agent vouchers are a good idea too.

CabbageLooking · 10/07/2013 08:51

Oh honestly, it's perfectly standard to suggest money rather than gifts for a wedding. It many cultures it is more traditional. I understand some people find it a bit grasping but generally speaking the twee poem that accompanies the request will explain that donations are gratefully received but not at all compulsory. Can't do right for doing wrong with weddings.

Trills · 10/07/2013 08:52

What's wrong with a wedding website?

Put all the info in one place, links to nearby hotels etc.

babyhmummy01 · 10/07/2013 08:54

I think the cash issue is s contentious one. I hate it when its for honeymoons etc, if you want a holiday pay yourself folks! My exh and I had lived together a long time when we got married so explained (not thru poems) that we didn't need anything other than pols attendance but if they wanted to give a gift we would appreciate money towards a new kitchen or we had a small gift list with john lewis so ppl had a choice what they wanted to do.

Dackyduddles · 10/07/2013 08:54

It annoys me when I'm asked to give money to pay for honeymoon. Can't afford Seychelles? Go to Bognor. Darned if I see why everyone else should pay it. Goes for money towards house too.

wharrgarbl · 10/07/2013 08:56

It's just never going to be ok from my perspective - asking for anything is just hideously bad manners, and asking for money is orders of magnitude worse.
Ugh, horrible grabby behaviour.

(Yes, I suppose I'm pearl-clutching, but it rates right up there with giving back presents for me.)

EatingAllTheCrumpets · 10/07/2013 08:56

I fail to see the problem with asking for money, I have always given money as gifts for weddings and we asked for money at ours. We had lived together for 5 years, a gift list would have been a pointless waste of money, we put our wedding gift money towards our honeymoon and as a result have wonderful memories and photos that will last a lifetime, far better than a pair of champagne flutes or a toaster!

I agree the poems are a little cheesy, but honestly I'm not sure it's your place to say what she should or shouldn't do at her wedding.

ZillionChocolate · 10/07/2013 09:00

I agree with Trills. Nothing wrong with a website. I wouldn't be bothered blogging about every detail of planning, or how we met etc, but find them useful for practical details.

Maybe the least offensive way to ask for money (if you must) is to say nothing in the invitation, but put on your website that you'd like money. It's sort of the modern equivalent if asking your mother about the gift list.

PearlyGrey · 10/07/2013 09:05

Technically it's poor etiquette to ask for anything on the invites as it implies you presume you're getting gifts. It's politer not to mention it and then if approached by a guest you give them a bit of a pointer (eg. we've got a gift list at x/we really like x shop/need a new toaster etc) though I still wouldn't ask for money, just seems a bit grabby and I think it puts guests in an awkward position.

Thymeout · 10/07/2013 09:06

It's mentioning presents/money at the same time as the invitation that's such bad manners. You're assuming they'll give you a present. As if it's an entitlement.

Wait to be asked what you'd like.

You wouldn't send out invitations to a birthday party with a gift list.

pudcat · 10/07/2013 09:06

I can understand giving money if it is a low cost stag/hen do, wedding and honeymoon, because the money will go to the new home. BUT when thousands of pounds have been spent on everything then obviously there is no need for the money, and any money given is helping to pay for the wedding etc.

youaintallthat · 10/07/2013 09:08

I asked for no presents at my wedding but if people were desperate to get us something could we please have money. I think it's just the done thing these days all my married friends asked for money. I don't think I've bought an actual wedding present ever!
I mean who really needs 5 salt and pepper pots...I find it strange that some people are so mortified about this concept. If you are going to be kind enough to buy someone a gift why get them something you know they don't want you might as well just send a card. We had 2guests who found it so horrendous to give us cash they bought us vouchers for john lewis we live about 3 hours away from the nearest john lewis so ended up selling them on eBay as I wasn't making a 3 hour trip to spend a £20 voucher....

Ragwort · 10/07/2013 09:08

I really hate the trend for asking for money, in my view if you can afford a big showy wedding then you don't need cash for your holiday/kitchen/garden makeover whatever. People seem to happily spend over £10-15K for a wedding so what is the point of £2-3K in cash/vouchers. .

Weddings are so over the top and ostentatious these days, if you feel that people really want to give you a gift then why not ask for a donation to charity. Awaits flaming.

PrincessKitKat · 10/07/2013 09:10

YABU - It was not your decision to make, it was your sister and her fiances.
I'm sure she thought about it and probably feels funny asking for cash but decided it was the best choice for them and now you've put another layer of unnecessary stress on her at an already bloody stressful time!
Would the 'bad tasters' rather they ended up with five cheeseboards and twelve picture frames? Because people will give, with or without a gift list. Is wasting your loved ones money better form?
I'd have gone apeshit. And I'm normally quite reasonable.

fluffyraggies · 10/07/2013 09:11

DH and i got married last year. We did not put anything in the invites about wanting anything from guests. We asked for their company on the day.

Without exception each guest gave us either some come cash or a voucher. We were overwhelmed and very touched. Seriously weren't expecting anything. Our parents chipped in towards the wedding weeks beforehand and we expected nothing from anyone else.

People aren't stupid. If they know you well enough to come to your wedding they'll know if you've got a furnished home, and the days of buying kettles and bales of towels are long gone.

There's no need to ask. It's a cheek. And it's grasping. Be grateful for what ever you get anyway!

youaintallthat · 10/07/2013 09:12

Just to add we didn't put it on the invites though we had a pretty small wedding so every guest ended up phoning to ask what we wanted we said nothing but then money when they pressured....it is so awkward with weddings though you feel embarrassed asking for whatever you want money or gifts it feels so cheeky. I really wouldn't have minded judt getting cards only tbh

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 10/07/2013 09:14

I don't get the frothing at asking for money rather than gifts. We had a list, but some people bought other stuff. We were gracious, thanked them very much at the time, and sent out thank you notes after the wedding. Six months later some of those gifts went to the charity shop. We don't have room to store ugly tat, regardless of who gave it to us.

These days our standard gift (unless there is a list) is some money or currency for wherever they are going on honeymoon, so they can have a meal on us. By all means, get people a gift, it's a lovely thought and gesture, but you only need so many crystal photo frames.

Floggingmolly · 10/07/2013 09:15

It's crass and tasteless to ask for anything as a gift. There are no degrees of "having everything you need". You do or you don't.
If you do, you don't need anything else.

hatsybatsy · 10/07/2013 09:18

work colleague just handed out her wedding invites - without exception everyone who was invited thought the poem asking for money was lovely. (note - I wasn't invited!)

horses for courses.

i have no problem with someone including details of a wedding list or asking for money/vouchers - saves me having to ask.

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