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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

baffled by this response...

76 replies

SuperChops · 09/07/2013 11:41

First time on AIBU, be kind if you can!

I work in a small office with three other people, and I have recently found out I'm pregnant with my first.

The second person I told (after DP!) was my boss, as he really likes to be kept in the loop - I even told him before my parents, my DP's parents and before the 12 week rule.

He was really angry. He started off by saying "Shit, shit, shit. This is terrible news." Then when I assured him that me and partner were very happy and had even been trying, he started shaking and asking why I had never told him that we were trying. I cannot stress this enough; he has always, always known that we both want children. We just didn't say when we were thinking of starting to try.

(I should also probably mention that he has two small boys of his own, and also that I plan to continue working with him for most of the pregnancy - I certainly won't be "dropping him in it" so to speak.)

Then he said he didn't want to talk about 'the issue', and sulked for about the next 40 / 50 minutes, not talking to me when I spoke to him etc. He strode out of the office with a curt goodbye about ten minutes.

I'm now in the office on my own (other two are in meeting) trying to get some work done, but all I can think of is that I somehow did something wrong. Should I have told him outright that we were trying when we started 4 months ago? Was I in anyway unreasonable? and would it have hurt to say congrats?

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

WestieMamma · 09/07/2013 11:43

Why on earth would you need to inform your boss that you were trying to conceive? Beyond bonkers

Livvylongpants · 09/07/2013 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameFanny · 09/07/2013 11:43

You haven't done anything wrong and I can't imagine why he reacted that way.

Is there a decent hr function at the company in case this goes wrong?

And congratulations!

Jane04 · 09/07/2013 11:44

YANBU, He is acting very strange.

BartyFottom · 09/07/2013 11:44

YANBU! You don't have to legally inform work until later in pregnancy and you don't have to tell him about trying to conceive at all! That really is a shocking response. Is it a small company with your boss effectively being 'the big boss'?

When I told my (former) boss that I was pregnant, he asked me straight away when I was leaving - and he didn't mean maternity leave. Arse.

Ilovesunflowers · 09/07/2013 11:45

No of course you shouldn't have told them you were trying unless you actually wanted them to know. It could have taken a long time to get pregnant so they'd always be on tenterhooks.

They are being unreasonable. You aren't.

DameFanny · 09/07/2013 11:45

And yes to why should you tell him you're trying - is there a special form for "I'm having unprotected sex with my long term partner"?

BaronessBomburst · 09/07/2013 11:46

Tell your boss that you're trying for a baby? WTF! No!

He has behaved very strangely and very unprofessionally. Are there only the four of you in the company, or is there an HR department?

ShadowStorm · 09/07/2013 11:46

YANBU.

You were under no obligation to tell him that you were TTC. Aside from anything else, TTC can take years for some people.

Even if it's a difficult time at work, and you going on maternity leave might be awkward for him, his angry reaction was unreasonable. And frankly, if he knew that you and your DP both want kids, you actually getting pregnant shouldn't have been entirely unexpected, even if he's not happy with the timing.

And congratulations on your pregnancy.

Funghoul · 09/07/2013 11:47

What business is it of his if you were trying or not?! He's your boss, and he can't discriminate against you for being pregnant! I informed my employers early because I have a physical job and some of it is not suitable for pregnant women. You didn't need to tell him so early, what a prick!

And congratulations! My first is now 8 weeks and there is no feeling like it it's the best thing in the world

jollygoose · 09/07/2013 11:47

congratulations super chops - your boss is an arse, be very careful if you can note every conversation regarding pregnance/maternity leave. If at all possible record him on your phone just in case things become unpleasant and you have to sue for wrongful dismissal.

MaxPepsi · 09/07/2013 11:48

Congratulations.

It sounds to me like he had something planned for you work wise.

Eg a promotion, or taking on more of his work etc and you've just put a big spanner in his works.

I'd look up all your company policies and make sure he does everything by the book for you!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/07/2013 11:48

Wow. How unprofessional.

Your reproductive plans are none of his damned business and it is disturbing that he thinks otherwise.

You really should tell him that you were shocked by his response.

Poledra · 09/07/2013 11:48

Jesus, he's well out of line! When I became pregnant with DD3, I worked in a very small group. I told my manager earlier than I'd planned as he'd called me in to his office so we could go through the staff planning for the next year. He was very grateful that I'd let him know so he could factor it into his plans, but also said congratulations.

There is no way on this earth it would be reasonable to expect you to have told work that you were trying to conceive! DH and I told not a single soul, as it's no-one's business but ours.

I'd be speaking to HR, I'm afraid.

And can I say Congratulations to you and your DP?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 09/07/2013 11:48

He's being a bit of a twat, tbh. It's none of his damned business when you decide to try and have a baby, so don't even consider that you should have informed him. Congratulations, btw :)

intravenouscoffee · 09/07/2013 11:49

You have done nothing wrong. He has behaved terribly and hopefully whilst he is out of the office, stomping around like a bear with a sore head, he will realise this and apologise on his return. Don't hold your breath though (not a good idea if you're pregnant - you might pass out).

Congratulations on your pregnancy and don't let the actions of one idiot upset you.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/07/2013 11:49

Just re read - he started shaking?

Is there anyone higher up in the organisation that you can go to. That is just so disturbing and odd that I would question his emotional state.

MelanieCheeks · 09/07/2013 11:49

I know it's a small office, but do you have a HR person you can talk to?

Shazjack1 · 09/07/2013 11:50

YANBU. He is a complete prick! I had a female boss for years and she often would say to me 'don't you dare get pregnant whilst working for me'. She had two boys herself, unreal!

MumnGran · 09/07/2013 11:53

OP ...this is not your fault, and you are absolutely within your rights to see this as nothing but positive news (Congratulations!)
The only mistake is that you assumed your boss would be happy for you, and what you got was his reaction for himself and the business. Thats not great ...but may make a bit more sense if things are a bit stressy business-wise?

You didn't need to tell him you were trying......that's private and there is zero obligation on you to mention it. The thing is that in a small business...the great news for you means that he will have to pay your maternity leave pay + however much it costs for your replacement for the whole time you are off. He will also have to train that person into post. For really small businesses, who may be struggling anyway in the current climate, this can be a major headache. If things are bad enough on the cash flow front, it can even be a business buster.

I am sure he is pleased for you, and will be more positive for you when he has had time to think through how he will organbise things.

In the meantime ....its not your fault!! you are fully 'entitled' ( ) to get pregnant ( ) ...... and its your boss' issue to deal with, not yours.

kotinka · 09/07/2013 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vvviola · 09/07/2013 11:54

Wow. That's hugely unprofessional.

I told my bosses very early too - as I was aware I was actually causing quite a few issues for them. My job was one that could not be left empty, and yet while I was on maternity leave I still counted as one of the team numbers-wise, so I knew they were going to have huge problems getting a replacement approved. But neither boss said anything other than heartfelt congratulations. They may have cursed and sworn about it behind closed doors, but they never let on to being more that 100% delighted for me.

That said, I'd actually give your boss the benefit of the doubt - just this once. It may have taken him by surprise a bit, and he reacted badly. If he continues sulking about it, then I'd definitely keep notes of any conversations and talk to HR if you have a HR department. Not saying he wasn't a total arse... just suggesting he may redeem himself.

NinaJade666 · 09/07/2013 11:56

How long have you worked there?

YANBU. That sort of response is unprofessional.

Be very wary after that. If you suddenly find yourself and your work being scrutinised, I wouldn't be surprised...

I told my (Ex) employers I was pregnant and found myself on the receiving end of a 'We are terminating your employment as of today' 8 days later. I had worked there for 4 months without any problems. All of a sudden they had issues with my performance which was stated in the letter.

I got advice on the matter. As I hadn't worked there long enough I couldn't go for unfair dismissal. But due to the timing and the fact that they had no problem previous I was advised to go for sexual discrimination on the grounds of believing they had terminated my employment due to my pregnancy.

They offered me a sum of money not to take them to court. I said it wasn't enough and they offered more, which by this time I had given birth and just wanted it over with, so I accepted.

Some companies still try to (and sometimes do) get away with this.

deXavia · 09/07/2013 11:59

Is he usually such a prat or was this very out of character? Not excusing his awful behavior but if he is normally ok and this was such an extreme reaction, could be your news came just after something else (one of the others hand in their notice, large new contract...) . Hopefully he'll calm down and realize he was outrageous. As I say no excuse but would explain it
However if he is usually a prat - well then he was just being an utter twat.
And btw congratulations!

MadRambler · 09/07/2013 12:02

Your boss is a prick. That's it.

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