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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

baffled by this response...

76 replies

SuperChops · 09/07/2013 11:41

First time on AIBU, be kind if you can!

I work in a small office with three other people, and I have recently found out I'm pregnant with my first.

The second person I told (after DP!) was my boss, as he really likes to be kept in the loop - I even told him before my parents, my DP's parents and before the 12 week rule.

He was really angry. He started off by saying "Shit, shit, shit. This is terrible news." Then when I assured him that me and partner were very happy and had even been trying, he started shaking and asking why I had never told him that we were trying. I cannot stress this enough; he has always, always known that we both want children. We just didn't say when we were thinking of starting to try.

(I should also probably mention that he has two small boys of his own, and also that I plan to continue working with him for most of the pregnancy - I certainly won't be "dropping him in it" so to speak.)

Then he said he didn't want to talk about 'the issue', and sulked for about the next 40 / 50 minutes, not talking to me when I spoke to him etc. He strode out of the office with a curt goodbye about ten minutes.

I'm now in the office on my own (other two are in meeting) trying to get some work done, but all I can think of is that I somehow did something wrong. Should I have told him outright that we were trying when we started 4 months ago? Was I in anyway unreasonable? and would it have hurt to say congrats?

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 09/07/2013 14:31

Congratulations, OP

BTW, this page is a start for you to look at maternity law. You didn't have to tell your boss until 15 weeks before the baby is due.

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/07/2013 14:34

I'm a employer and if I had this reaction to any pregnant member of staff I would expect to end up in tribunal and get (quite rightly) stung with a huge bill for sexual discrimination.

bearleftmonkeyright · 09/07/2013 14:38

Women get pregnant, its no surprise. He should factor that into his business plan. He's being an arse. I don't think he is secretly in love with you. He is a twat. Be prepared, I think he will play dirty now. Make sure you are well aware of your rights. Good luck.

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/07/2013 14:45

Keep notes of all conversations (don't record them, that's illegal without the other persons permission

No its not, it is perfectly legal to record any conversation as long as the recordings are not for third party use,it is also perfectly legal to transcribe a recording and use that as evidence and state it is a exact written record of a recorded conversation.

Original poster
SuperChops · 09/07/2013 15:53

Sorry to be repetitive, but thank you so much; I am chuffed (but not necessarily surprised) that the women on mumsnet have put in so much care and knowledge into helping me with my boss.

So we sat down for a talk after lunch - and he apologised seemingly sincerely for his bizarre over-reaction and blamed the extra work.

But he's gone and told the man that works with us about the pregnancy, without my say-so!

I wasn't happy at all. I used the words of onetiredmummy and said I should be able to tell who I want, in the order that I want. Thanks to you lovely people I was also able to squash his argument of "it was in the interest of the business" by telling him legally I didn't have to tell him about the pregnancy when I did.

We've discussed that I will be keeping on top of my work / maternity rights, as he hasn't shown himself to be very trustworthy as a boss. He is now one sorry and squashed-looking mouse.

If he did fancy me before, I don't think he does now! Grin

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 09/07/2013 15:53

clearer link

cuckoonest · 09/07/2013 16:14

Yay! Go, SuperChops!

kotinka · 09/07/2013 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eurozammo · 09/07/2013 16:47

Well done you. That was a seriously odd reaction. I can't believe he thought you should have told him that you were ttc! Would he have wanted copulation notes with positions and timings too?

bearleftmonkeyright · 09/07/2013 16:55

Just be on your guard OP. You will have ante natal appointments which you will need time off for. Your working conditions may need to be adjusted. He has to ensure that you have a job to return to after maternity leave. He has to fulfill his obligations as an employer. Hope all goes well.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 09/07/2013 17:06

He sounds like a horrible man. If anyone had reacted like he did when I announced my pregnancies, I'd have walked out. What a fool!

He may well have apologised now, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour to date. I'd write him a follow up email to all conversations you've had, including expressly stating how disappointed you were with his unprofessional reaction to your news and the fact that this should not have been spread around other team members without your say so.

I would also familiarise myself with every bit of maternity employment legislation going as it sounds like you're going to need it. I'd also take the rest of this week off with 'stress' - if only to highlight that his behaviour is unacceptable. Legally you can't be penalised for pregnancy related illness so he won't be able to do much about it (and it might make him appreciate you a bit more).

Just to highlight how weird this guy is, I told my boss at 6 weeks with my first pregnancy, due to the role I was in. He was nothing but supportive, I got all the time off I needed for antenatal classes, appointments etc and a massive bunch of flowers following the birth, as well as loads of Mothercare vouchers on my last day in the office. That is the norm.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 09/07/2013 17:32

Even though my boss is a supreme arse, he congratulated me on both my pregnancies through gritted teeth! He sounds bonkers to be honest and a bit too involved in your life (or he'd like to think he is...)
Congrats by the way! Smile

HoneyDragon · 09/07/2013 17:39

Glad it's sorted.

I had almost exactly the same word for word response from my boss when I announced I was pg with my first. However as we were married I let it go Wink

I really have to believe other issues you don't know about affected your bosses reaction because he was massively in the wrong bothe professionally and personally! Do you think he would freak at a male colleague announcing he was to be a dad?

LastTangoInDevonshire · 09/07/2013 17:48

I know what the Law says - but it can have a devastating effect on a small business if one of the team becomes pregnant and goes on maternity leave.

A study recently showed that small business are 'avoiding' employing women of child-bearing age for this very reason (I know it's wrong, but they are).

I expect he was just shaken up and upset. Glad it's sorted for now.

quesadilla · 09/07/2013 17:55

He's not only being unpleasant and unprofessional he is skirting equality legislation breaches. Take a note of all incidents like this and complain if you have to. What a twat.

LastTangoInDevonshire · 09/07/2013 17:59

Good God = the militants are out in force! It must be the weather.

The man was surprised and upset - no need for taking note of all incidents and complaining and equality legislation breaches.

It was just a reaction - NOT a dyed in the wool stance FFS.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 09/07/2013 18:40

But it was an inappropriate reaction, that's the point. Someone in a managerial capacity should have the ability to put their personal feelings aside and behave professionally - not like a sulky, petulant child.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/07/2013 18:48

Inappropriate is putting it mildly! Grin

Shouting, swearing, sulking, shaking and demanding to know why a colleagues reproductive plans were not disclosed to them is batshit crazy!

It's not normal. It's so very far from a normal reaction to a member of staff's pregnancy that something is wrong with him.

Who starts to shake like that if they're perfectly ok in themselves? Nobody.

Ogg · 09/07/2013 18:58

He runs a small company - he's not head of ICI - managerial capacity is very often a very loose term in a firm like this. I would guess he's a guy who is good at something and the company has grown around that skill or niche knowledge not his great 'managerial skills' hence it still big 4 employees after so long.

KirjavaTheCat · 09/07/2013 19:04

Perhaps he'd have preferred for you to disclose your plans to TTC because he'd have nipped your job in the bud before you got too expensive.

bearleftmonkeyright · 09/07/2013 19:52

I don't think anyone has been militant. Someone announcing their pregnancy should not have to put up with this kind of shit. It's not militant to ensure you are not screwed over by an employer who has legal obligations towards you.

piprabbit · 09/07/2013 19:58

I'm glad you've managed to talk to him about it.
TBH when I read your OP, I thought it sounded like he isn't coping at work or is under a lot of stress, perhaps things in the business aren't as good as he would like them to appear. His reaction sounded like your good news was enough to tip him over the edge a bit - the final straw.

WMittens · 09/07/2013 21:02

Start documenting all related conversations and exchanges, including this. You never know if you'll need it in a constructive dismissal tribunal.

Mamagiraffe · 10/07/2013 09:47

I know you're a very friendly Small company but just to be on the safe side I agree and recommend that you send him an email detailing everything (his response, divulgence of your status to colleague etc...) and how you found it inappropriate but that you would be happy to draw a line under it and expect him to conduct himself with a little more professional capacity from hereonin. This will just serve to protect your arse if for any reason things don't go well as it's a record of his inappropriateness- wanting to know that you were ttc suggests had he known he may have found a reason to get rid of you before expensive maternity kicked in and pregnancy rights protected you... It's in the same vein that I used to advise my male unmarried dad friends (back when the law was different) to get parental rights forms and stuff signed by mum whilst they were a normal happy family, we all like to think our happy situation won't change but sadly some people can do a fantastic job of shocking the shit out of you when circumstances change :-/

FobblyWoof · 10/07/2013 10:09

I'm another on the "he likes/liked you and thought he may have a chance" bandwagon.

So glad you stuck up for yourself and your rights.

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