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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

baffled by this response...

76 replies

SuperChops · 09/07/2013 11:41

First time on AIBU, be kind if you can!

I work in a small office with three other people, and I have recently found out I'm pregnant with my first.

The second person I told (after DP!) was my boss, as he really likes to be kept in the loop - I even told him before my parents, my DP's parents and before the 12 week rule.

He was really angry. He started off by saying "Shit, shit, shit. This is terrible news." Then when I assured him that me and partner were very happy and had even been trying, he started shaking and asking why I had never told him that we were trying. I cannot stress this enough; he has always, always known that we both want children. We just didn't say when we were thinking of starting to try.

(I should also probably mention that he has two small boys of his own, and also that I plan to continue working with him for most of the pregnancy - I certainly won't be "dropping him in it" so to speak.)

Then he said he didn't want to talk about 'the issue', and sulked for about the next 40 / 50 minutes, not talking to me when I spoke to him etc. He strode out of the office with a curt goodbye about ten minutes.

I'm now in the office on my own (other two are in meeting) trying to get some work done, but all I can think of is that I somehow did something wrong. Should I have told him outright that we were trying when we started 4 months ago? Was I in anyway unreasonable? and would it have hurt to say congrats?

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
onetiredmummy · 09/07/2013 12:03

I agree with other posters in saying his response is odd & unprofessional & in no way have you done anything wrong. Congrats :)

But something in your post is odd too.

You told him about your pregnancy before you told your & dp's family? You can tell whomever you want in whatever order you wish of course, but this seems strange to me. Particularly before the first 12 weeks have not passed yet.

Your boss sounds as though he has a possible emotional investment in you. Has he exhibited odd behaviour before, about your well being or being interested about disagreements between you & your partner?

MostlyCake · 09/07/2013 12:03

That's a rubbish response from your boss! YANBU! Just to echo a previous post, make sure you note down all conversations (minute them if possible and get him to sign). I'd also go to HR and formally notify them of his response just in case....

Congratulations btw!

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 09/07/2013 12:08

Put it in writing to him - so you have proof you told him in case he starts discriminating but denies it is because you are pg. And record everything, just in case.
Hopefully he'll stop being a twat very soon!
Congratulations!

Jan49 · 09/07/2013 12:10

Congratulations on your pregnancy! What an awful response from your boss. Sad

The only thing I can think is that he had some kind of work plan that might be derailed by you taking time off. Or could the company be in financial difficulty so something like a member of staff on maternity leave would be financially difficult?

PumpkinPie2013 · 09/07/2013 12:16

YANBU!! Is there someone in HR/higher up you can speak to? His reaction was unacceptable regardless of whether he had things planned or your maternity leave will cause some issues!

I lead a project and have one other person working with me who we knew was leaving this month (I go on mat leave in Oct). However, when I told my boss at 7 weeks he was nothing other than genuinely pleased for me and has been very supportive (we do get on well anyway but there will still be things for him to sort out).

I hope he realises very quickly that he's being an idiot and apologises or you are able to involve someone else.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and enjoy! x

Original poster
SuperChops · 09/07/2013 12:26

Hi everybody, thank you so much for your brilliant responses - made my eyes well a little to get that much support! Hopefully I'll be able to fill in some gaps.

Dame Fanny, Baroness, kotinka, Malaniecheeks There's just the four of us, two women and two men, in the company and usually we can all talk quite openly. No HR.

deXavia and mumngran There has actually been more work than usual, so maybe the workload wasn't helping with his response.

NinaJade The company (and therefore boss as we're so small) has been going for 15 years, I've been working here 6. The other two who work here have been here for 5 and 3 years.

Imtohecsy what a great name! Yeah, shaking, he looked upset. I wonder if it's because he likes to know what's going on with everything in the company, and I think this hit him for six a bit.

Thanks again for all your posts. Flowers I feel very confident now that it wasn't something I did, and that maybe the shock of the news plus the extra work upset him a little. But I won't be standing for any mischief! Let's see how it goes when he gets back...

OP posts:
imaluckylady · 09/07/2013 12:26

I would speak to your local citizens advice bureau. The law is absolutely on your side and you shouldn't be made to fel this way. They will ensure you have all your rights at your fingertips. You could also look into joining a union and accessing support from them. Try unite - they are pretty good with maltreatment at work and it may make you feel more secure to know that you have someone to represent you of you are bein mistreated - especially if it becomes unbearable to work with this man during your pregnancy. It's appalling that you have been made to feel crap about such wonderful news. Congratulations! Don't let him stop you enjoying such a precious time.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2013 12:39

I know it's tricky in a small firm, but his behaviour is more than unprofessional.

I'd be very careful when you next have dealings with him and if there is any more of his previous reaction (or worse) you should take legal advice pronto.

Congratulations!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/07/2013 12:42

something is seriously wrong with him if he shakes, swears, sulks and looks upset when an employee announces they are pregnant.

You do understand that that is not normal, don't you? Wanting to know what's going on does not make you act like that.

Either he's totally unbalanced or he had some weird fantasy where you and he were star crossed lovers or something.

either way, you really need to let someone else within the organisation know what just happened. I don't know what your workplace is like that you didn't instantly go whoa! hang on buster, a little professionalism thank you... but you need to demand it now.

Original poster
SuperChops · 09/07/2013 12:42

Sorry Onetiredmummy I missed you out!

Wow, I didn't think of it that way! I told him so soon because I thought it would be less hassle Blush as he seems so keen on knowing what's going on with everyone in the company. But I can see that by me doing that, and by his reaction, there's a possibility that he's a bit emotionally invested... I hope you understand that I really really hope you're wrong though! Smile

OP posts:
StillInBigKnickers · 09/07/2013 12:42

I would take the rest of the week day off with stress tbh - he is verging on workplace bullying if he continues his silent treatment / inappropriate comments. Small company or not, he is not being professional at all.

StillInBigKnickers · 09/07/2013 12:44

FWIW I told my boss at 6 weeks so they could do a risk assessment - which I then had to write myself after an accident anyway shitforbrainsbosss Hmm

Jaynebxl · 09/07/2013 12:49

Seriously sounds like he fancies you and thought he might have a chance!

cuckoonest · 09/07/2013 12:52

Congratulations!

YANBU. That is a totally unreasonable and downright weird response from your boss. It is rude from a human perspective, it's an over-reaction from a business perspective not least because there are presumably at least six months or more before you start mat. leave.

I would be worried for how he will treat you during the coming months. Can you pull him up on his reaction? Let him know that it was over the top, and unprofessional. Do your research, and know your rights as a pregnant employee, and make sure he knows them too. Be clear: you need time off for antenatal appointments, risk assessments etc. Let him know that you know how this works (if you don't, get to know quickly). Make sure that all the right paperwork is in place, your midwife will be able to help with that once you are in the system.

I would also keep a journal in case it all turns sour. Write objective notes now about what just happened, and any subsequent conversations you have with him about it, whether they appear reasonable or not. Should you find yourself being discriminated against, it will be powerful to have a record of your interactions.

Sunnysummer · 09/07/2013 12:53

Bit late to this party... But I agree with onetiredmummy and hecsy, the shaking thing is creepy.

You have already done him a favour by letting him know early, you have the law (and MN!) on your side, hopefully all will be well but it sounds like it'd be worth getting everything in writing from here on out.

hiddenhome · 09/07/2013 12:55

I would be tempted to secretly record the next few conversations you have with him (do it on your phone) just in case you need to gather any evidence if this should turn into a case.

saintlyjimjams · 09/07/2013 12:55

WTF? Does he fancy you or something. One of dh's bunny boiler colleagues was sick after he mentioned my 20 week scan (not my first dc, it was hardly a surprise) but we both knew she fancied him.

minibmw2010 · 09/07/2013 12:56

I don't think it was a reaction because he's personally invested in you, I think it's because it's a small company, he knows he'll have to pay you maternity leave, he knows he'll have to hire a temp to replace you and he'll have to wait for you to return, possibly want part-time, etc. He's thinking only of the Company and himself, not you in the slightest.

Keep notes of all conversations (don't record them, that's illegal without the other persons permission), just be sensible and keep him informed in advance of any Midwife appointments, but don't let this guy too far into your personal life. He's your boss, not your DH.

Chandon · 09/07/2013 12:58

Well, bosses do not like their employees to get pregnant, it costs them money and they need to replce you temporarily etc.

You were naive to think otherwise.

Poor you though, it is tough to find this out

Chandon · 09/07/2013 12:59

And btw his reaction was crappy, he should have kept his thoughts to himself!

evelynj · 09/07/2013 13:02

Congratulations!

You're obv a big asset to the company & I'm sure you're feeling vulnerable now but you need to let him know that his response to your happy news was completely unacceptable & you expect an apology. I'd do this in an email so there is evidence of his inappropriate behaviour.

Even if you dint have an hr dept, legislation is still the same and this is tantamount to bullying. He should be supporting you as much as poss now. Bosses worry about the company as their main priority but ffs, he doesn't need to spout off to you about it-that's basic common sense.

Ask how his wife would have felt if she'd had that response when announcing their family.

You need to protect yourself as you are allowed time off unlimited I think for ante natal apps. & you don't need him making your life difficult.

My work relied heavily on me but I still didn't tell them before the 12 week scan. If God forbid something goes wrong you're still/even more going to have a badly tainted view of this idiot.

Good. Luck

Pigsmummy · 09/07/2013 13:28

I think he has feelings for you.

hiddenhome · 09/07/2013 13:52

It's not illegal to record a conversation if it's for your own records.

ilovechips · 09/07/2013 14:04

Congratulations!

I'm stunned that you felt you had to tell your boss before your parents because he "likes to be kept in the loop"! His reaction sounds shocking, I really hope he calms down! All I would suggest is make sure you are very clued up about your rights, from time off for appointments in pregnancy right through to mat leave/pay etc, as he sounds like he wouldn't think twice about a bit of casual discrimination!

TempusFuckit · 09/07/2013 14:22

Congrats OP.

I also don't think he has feelings for you. He's just incapable of suppressing his own selfish reaction. However, given it's a small, newish company, is it at all possible you're the first woman employee to become pregnant, and so he's therefore under the impression he'll have to foot your maternity leave bill?

Even if that is the case, his reaction here - and his interest in (controlling) his employees lives - would be a red flag that he's going to make life difficult for you wrt antenatal appointments, and then flexible working, parental leave etc if you return. I would be looking at your long term options carefully.