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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil related

37 replies

nona2706 · 05/07/2013 21:17

So mother in law asks us tonight to take her shopping.now we had just bathed the children and put them to bed and were eating ourselves.now we always take her everywhere without asking for anything and yet she never does anything for us its always for her other children/grandchildren. On Tuesday my partner was at work and i had the hospital to see about gettin my gallbladder removed and she couldn't watch our 2 boys as she wasn't well.this has been the excuse for the past month anytime we have needed something yet when her other son needs the children watched she always does it saying as its no problem.
would i be unreasonable to tell her to grow up as she is now acting like a child in that she says we never do anything for her so why should she do anything for us etc.
So bloody angry.

OP posts:

cjel · 05/07/2013 21:59

I think I'd decide what i wanted to do for her and then just say 'no' to anything else. not worth getting into an argument, she may feel too ill to look after your dcs, doesn't mean you should argue with her these situations can easy get out of hand. She doesn't have to look after your dcs the same amount as her other dcs and you don't have to take her shopping.
I know how much it is frustrating my mil favoured others and we always had them to stay every easter, christmas mothers sday a nd i did get fuming but I'd just advise choose what you want and don't do the rest. she is what she is and you won't change her

Original poster

nona2706 · 05/07/2013 22:07

I get that but the day i asked her and she said she was too ill my partners brother rang up asking of she would take his children and she did.thats what annoys me the most.

OP posts:

Loulybelle · 05/07/2013 22:10

Simples, just dont do anything for her, if shes gonna be selfish, then sod her.

mrspaddy · 05/07/2013 22:10

Hmmm... could you use the same excuse.. maybe that is a bit petty sorry! Put it off for a while.. honestly sometimes the more you do the less you're appreciated. It is hard though as you sound good natured.

cjel · 05/07/2013 22:24

Trust me I know annoying with MIL and I had dh that would agree with her not me! still think its best to be annoyed on your own, don't involve her= maybe she does prefer dbs children over yours even but still challenging her will do no good and you will waste your life getting stressed while she just carrys on doing what she wants!! Not fair,YADNBU but you can't change her.

Original poster

nona2706 · 05/07/2013 22:25

Mrs paddy i am really considering using the same excuse as there has been days when iv been in severe agony and can hardly walk yet iv taken her where she wanted to go.
It just feels like I am being used as the only time she contacts us is when she needs something and she wouldn't even think to ask how my 2 sons are.
loulybelle i like your idea the best but then everyone moans about how she cant go anywhere as no-one will take her.she has 3 other children perfectly able to take her yet she wont ask them as they wont do it.

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Loulybelle · 05/07/2013 22:26

Nona, just ignore the moaning, your not her personal taxi, she has others to ask, if shes that desperate, she'll ask.

cjel · 05/07/2013 22:28

I like loulybelles two answers!!!

Repeat slowly 'No I can't'

Original poster

nona2706 · 05/07/2013 22:29

Thank-you cjel it just gets really annoying when she lies about being ill but yet when I am genuinely ill and in pain from my gallstones and i also have arthritis in my knee from an old injury that i have to get on with things and take her everywhere as iv i didn't she would starve. There is a shop a 2 minute walk away from her house.

OP posts:

cjel · 05/07/2013 22:30

She sound like a nightmare. rant here its safer

cjel · 05/07/2013 22:32

pressed send to soon.How did you get on at the hospital? I've heard gallstone pain is horrendous.

Original poster

nona2706 · 05/07/2013 22:33

Cjel u told her tonight that no i cant take her as we were at dinner she freaked out and told her daughter who then got on the phone to me and was going on about how mean i was and how else could her poor mother get her shopping.and when i suggested her taking her mother i got laughed at and was told oh no in too busy watching tv!!

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Original poster

nona2706 · 05/07/2013 22:36

I couldn't get to the hospital cjel as i had no one to look after the children as she cancelled an hour before my appointment. Iv been suffering with them since jan but thought it was bad indigestion at the start so in going to have to bear the pain for another 3 months as that is when my consultant is available again to discuss it.
Oh and the pain is 100x worse than childbirth.

OP posts:

PoppyWearer · 05/07/2013 22:38

Much sympathy, gallstones are indeed worse than childbirth.

You will feel so much better after the operation!

cjel · 05/07/2013 22:39

One of my sisters in law who lived 3 hours drive away while the rest of us knew mil needed to go in a home as we couldn't cope any more told another one that she should go in on her way to work and make sure fil had got her dressed. when told no and if you want to look after her move up and do it was also laughed at and said she was too busy and she didn'teven work!!!

Hope your dh stuck up for you. I'd try really really hard to just say'we can't and hang up. the choices are either you do it and run yourself into the ground or they moan about you!!!

Original poster

nona2706 · 05/07/2013 22:43

No unfortunately he didn't stick up for me as she has him wrapped around her little finger.ha 2 of her children have no children and don't work so could do all that she needs done but they wont.

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Original poster

nona2706 · 05/07/2013 22:45

Thank-you poppy its just a waiting game now to see when i can get someone to look after the children when i get my next appointment.

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cjel · 05/07/2013 22:48

No wonder you get angry. everyone thought my mill ws a saint but if you ask her sons wives we have a different story. I was married 30 years before I left and just always knew he would always pick her 1st, dh and his brothers could be abroad on business for 3 wks and then come home and have to go straight back to see her despite not seeing their own dcs all that time.
If he doesn't see a problem then its really hard, it just sounds like you are being selfish and don't like their precious mummy!!

Flakita · 05/07/2013 22:52

Is your mil a narcissistic mother? My MIL is down to the letter. Cant post links but a quick google will bring up lots of helpful sites and tactics to avoid being driven mad by their toxic behaviour. Sorry to hear about gallstones my grandma also said pain was worse than childbirth...(hug)

Original poster

nona2706 · 05/07/2013 23:09

Haha cjel he actualy asked me did i not like his mummy. I told him the truth about how i didn't like her as her and her husband stole my partners money that he got when he was hit by a car when younger (he doesn't want to upset them by bringing that up) There was a time when we had separated and he had no work and i wasn't working because of the children i needed nappies for my youngest baby n he asked her for a lend of £10 and she had the cheek to say no i have no money and yet when i tell him to ask for his money back i get told no as it would upset them too much. I had to drive 68 miles to my mothers house just yo get a packet of nappies. She is as evil as thru can get really flakita. I just don't know how to make him see this.

OP posts:

mumofweeboys · 05/07/2013 23:29

Check out your local sure start for one off chreche or contact hv as my friend got childcare paid for her to have her gallbladder removed.

Original poster

nona2706 · 05/07/2013 23:33

Thank-you mumofweeboys i will look into that for when the time comes.

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BlackeyedSusan · 05/07/2013 23:35

don't say you are eating. say you are not well. I would be tempted to say that you arer not available until you have sorted your gall stone problem out... and unfortunatley that has been delayed as you could not get to the last appointment.

do not rely on her again. ease back and reduce contact as much as possible.

formicadinosaur · 05/07/2013 23:57

I wouldn't say anything. Next time she makes a request, say sorry we both don't feel well enough. And repeat.

Or you could ask her why she babysits for one son and not the other?

What are your kids like and is your house comfortable?

Original poster

nona2706 · 06/07/2013 00:06

My boys are 2 years 9months and 11 months she is 47.define comfortable please as i think its comfortable. And my boys are well behaved when at their grandparents as my mother kept them for 4 days recently and said they were a pleasure to have and she is keepin the youngest on the 18th for a few nights so that we can take the older one camping.

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