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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to being a Godmother

56 replies

ThisWayForCrazy · 05/07/2013 14:49

Back story. BIL met a girl who had an ovulation app on her phone, convinced BIL (who is desperate for a family to TTC) and within 5 weeks of being together she got pregnant. As soon as she was pg she decided he would be a useless Dad and partner and walked away.

It is my nieces Christening this weekend. DH and I are driving half the country with our kids to be there in support of BIL. It has been hinted that we will be asked to be Godparents where we get there.

I want to say No. I am not going to see this child grow up, and will have no influence in her life whatsoever. I have nothing to do with her mother, the last time I encountered her I was told where to get off, having said nothing remotely wrong at all!

DH thinks I'm being silly and should accept this role gracefully.

Also, which perhaps sways this too, I am religious, the mother is not, so the whole Christening seems like a show to me.

OP posts:
ThreeEyedRaven · 05/07/2013 14:51

YANBU. Stick to your guns.

SirBoobAlot · 05/07/2013 14:52

I think YABVU to completely blame her; she didn't get pregnant by herself. And what the fuck is the relevance to the ovulation app? Slightly freaky you know that.

eurozammo · 05/07/2013 14:53

If your bil is not going to be involved in this child's life why is he invited to the christening? It doesn't make sense to me. If he is, then maybe being godparent would be a good thing?

WouldBeHarrietVane · 05/07/2013 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHoarder · 05/07/2013 14:54

If your bil wants you to I would say yes in the hope it strengthens ties between your happy and the new baby. Can see why its distasteful but the baby exists now and whatever her mother did isn't the baby's fault.

Disclaimer: I'm not religious although ds was baptised as dh is.

RedHelenB · 05/07/2013 14:54

YABU - this is your niece we are talking about!

MammaTJ · 05/07/2013 14:56

Up to you but I would say accept because it may give you more of a role in the childs life than you would otherwise have.

badfaketan · 05/07/2013 14:58

Bit strange that she hasn't already asked you by now.
When mine were christened I had to fill in a form a few weeks before with the names on.
Even if you don't want to be involved,your DH could still be as it is brother's daughter?

brass · 05/07/2013 15:01

I would say decline, from my experience if the relationship with the parent is not good then the chance of it being a productive relationship with the godchild is slim.

It is just awkward but I just went through the motions at the time.

MrsMook · 05/07/2013 15:07

If you're not going to have much to do with the child, there's no point. Sounds like she's struggling to find someone appropriate.

JaffaMyCake · 05/07/2013 15:11

Well you haven't actually been asked yet.......

But YANBU, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

JaffaMyCake · 05/07/2013 15:11

Well you haven't actually been asked yet.......

But YANBU, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 05/07/2013 15:12

I am not blaming the mother for everything here. Having had children myself I am more than aware it takes two people and things don't always go to plan.

I am not going to have anything to do with my niece, we live over 400 miles away, and have no contact with the mother, through her choice. It's also been made clear that the lack of contact won't change.

I also agree that she needs a good God Mother, one that's near her, will have an influence in her life and be able to support her as she grows. None of which apply to me.

OP posts:
IWillGetThere · 05/07/2013 15:14

Will your Bil have any contact with the child?

Kendodd · 05/07/2013 15:14

I am not going to see this child grow up, and will have no influence in her life whatsoever. I have nothing to do with her mother

I think that's quite sad, if the dad is invited to the christening and she wants you to be godmother it doesn't sound to me like she is walking away from your BIL. Maybe by asking you to be GM she is trying to tie her child closer to the dad's side of the family?

I'd accept, after all this child is your DN.

Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 05/07/2013 15:15

Oh and BIL has no say in the godparents.

I am a bit bemused re the whole situation. I also know about the ov app as she had asked me if I could check her LMP dates to see when she would be "fertile" and whether it matched her app on her phone.

I wish we were closer, I am sure, as a single mother she could do with support.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 05/07/2013 15:18

BIL has 2 hours contact every 2 weeks.

I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 05/07/2013 15:18

BIL has 2 hours contact every 2 weeks.

I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
defineme · 05/07/2013 15:21

I think if you're asked by bil, state you misgivings(as a Christian I think you should be pleased she'll be Christened even if her mother isn't a church goer), and if he still feels you're the best person then you should do the gracious, polite, Christian thing and accept.
If bil ever gets access to the child then I assume you'll take your duties seriously and endeavour to see her as much as possible.
As she gets older post/email and so on can make up for distance (I live 300 miles from my godson but he knows who I am and we keep in regular contact-now he's 15 that's mainly through facebook).

rallytog1 · 05/07/2013 15:23

One of the main roles of a godparent is actually to pray for the child. You can do that wherever you are, surely?

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 05/07/2013 15:23

If BIL has no say in godparent choice, and the mother doesn't like you, why do you suspect you will be asked to be godmother?

Kafri · 05/07/2013 15:25

can you fulfil the role of a godmother, as you would promise to do in church should you accept??

If yes, do it.

If no, don't

SirBoobAlot · 05/07/2013 15:27

What MrTumbles says.

Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 05/07/2013 15:35

Without asking BIL or us, the Mum has mentioned to him on numerous occasions about us being GPs

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 05/07/2013 15:42
Confused

Why on earth would they ask you to be GM if the mum doesnt like you and your BIL has no say at all?!

I think you're probably fretting over nothing tbh. No way would I ask someone to be godparent to my kids if I didnt like them or had no intention of ever setting eyes on them again.