To say no to being a Godmother

[ThisWayForCrazy]

Back story. BIL met a girl who had an ovulation app on her phone, convinced BIL (who is desperate for a family to TTC) and within 5 weeks of being together she got pregnant. As soon as she was pg she decided he would be a useless Dad and partner and walked away.

It is my nieces Christening this weekend. DH and I are driving half the country with our kids to be there in support of BIL. It has been hinted that we will be asked to be Godparents where we get there.

I want to say No. I am not going to see this child grow up, and will have no influence in her life whatsoever. I have nothing to do with her mother, the last time I encountered her I was told where to get off, having said nothing remotely wrong at all!

DH thinks I'm being silly and should accept this role gracefully.

Also, which perhaps sways this too, I am religious, the mother is not, so the whole Christening seems like a show to me.

As she gets older BIL may well have more contact -- alternate weekends, for example, and a chunk of the school holidays. So chances are you'll get more opportunity to see her than you think right now.

Won't there be forms to submit? You can't just turn up to a christening and get pulled up to be godmother

YABU. She is your niece and it sound like her Dad is still involved so I think it's mean for you to say no.

To be honest it sounds like the mother is trying to extend an olive branch and signal that she does want the father and his family to be involved.

I think you're being very ungracious and self obsessed.

If the christening is this weekend and as yet you haven't been asked then I doubt you are going to be asked to be GM.

Why are you going all that way for a child you have no intention of staying in contact with anyway...bit hypocritical really.

As you have religious beliefs I would decline. One of the promises you make is to bring the child up in the faith they are being baptised into. This would be difficult with no contact.

People who don't have any belief don't understand why those who do have faith don't make those promises lightly.

When we christened DD we asked people who we knew would follow our wishes regarding faith and keep the baptismal promises etc. so called friends of ours haven't spoke to us since as they thought they should have been godparents despite they themselves being outspoken atheists!

Good luck!

I can't understand why you think you are likely to be asked, if she hasn't asked you, and doesn't like you
If you are asked, then you need to ask questions of the Mum as to what she envisages your role would be - what contact, what influence etc you would have, as you are making serious promises about guiding this child, and if she's not prepared to commit to that relationship then you could say you can't take on the role.

AKiss - I am Godmother to 3 different children, christenings in different churches and have never filled in a form / submitted anything.

You won't be asked to be a godmother unless your niece's mother is a Jeremy Kyle candidate. Sounds like wish projection to me.

She is your niece by blood, don't worry about the godparent thing, its a red herring. If you get the chance to be involved as her aunt grab it and try to look out for her, but don't get caught up in the "nominations" for god parent, esp where the christening is a farce due to non religious parents. If you are the praying type you can pray for whom ever you wish to, no formal invitation required, nor any judgement or social dancing.

Nobody wants you to be godmother, except perhaps you yourself. Any indications of such a wish are invitations to drama and no more, no less - if the context you have given is the full story.

So say no, if asked. But really you don't need to ask, its obvious, on the slim chance it happens at all (WHY, why, why would she ask you if she doesn't like you and doesn't have any regard for her child's father's wishes?? There is no logical reason at all....)

As an aside - isn't it ridiculous that blood relatives be god parents? I thought the whole idea was to widen the circle of interested and devoted adults - aunt as godmother sounds incestuous to me! (Not technically obviously - but aunt is by definition family, godmother is added as non bio family if you are a member of a religious community surely?)

It's not the god parents who fill a form in- the parents of the child see the vicar and he keeps a record of parents/child/god parents etc to go in the church register.

It could be an olive branch. You could just be a likely provider of good presents.

Look at the baby and then make your decision. You can signal disapproval of the mum in a hundred other ways if you want to so i'd choose something that's not a rejection of the little one.

Isn't that the christian thing to do?

If you want to be in her life then why say no?if you want to be there while she grows up this could be a good way to show the mother that you care for this child and want to build a relationship.I am not religous but I am my nieces and nephews godparent because even though I dont attend church Im still a good person who will do anything I can to be there for them and guide them.Surely she wouldve picked someone else if this wasnt important to them?

NatashaBee No, they are not compulsory at either weddings or christenings

So limited you made all these promises lies , in church with no intention of keeping them??? I'm pleased you're not guiding me anywhere - who knows where you'd lead me with so many lies told in just one ceremony!

At the baptism of children, the president then says to the parents and godparents

Parents and godparents, the Church receives these children with joy.
Today we are trusting God for their growth in faith.
Will you pray for them,
draw them by your example into the community of faith
and walk with them in the way of Christ?
With the help of God, we will.

In baptism these children begin their journey in faith.
You speak for them today.
Will you care for them,
and help them to take their place
within the life and worship of Christ's Church?
With the help of God, we will.

The Decision

A large candle may be lit. The president addresses the candidates directly, or through their parents, godparents and sponsors

In baptism, God calls us out of darkness into his marvellous light.
To follow Christ means dying to sin and rising to new life with him.
Therefore I ask:

Do you reject the devil and all rebellion against God?
I reject them.

Do you renounce the deceit and corruption of evil?
I renounce them.

Do you repent of the sins that separate us from God and neighbour?
I repent of them.

Do you turn to Christ as Saviour?
I turn to Christ.

Do you submit to Christ as Lord?
I submit to Christ.

Do you come to Christ, the way, the truth and the life?
I come to Christ.

Why are you even invited since the mother doesn't want any involvement with you? Has your BIL Invited you without her knowledge?

Yes I did Kafri.I couldnt care less that you are trying to make me out as a bad person and I'd just like to assure you I couldnt care less what you think.I wouldnt have posted what I posted if I cared that there would be conflicting opinions.Dont wage a war with me about religion,you dont know of my beliefs and I dont wish to know of yours.All Im going to say is I believe is that you can live a christian way,its about being a good person at the end of it all the sake with every religion in the world.My promise is if that if those children are following a christian path I will be respectful to that and support them in whatever they do.I havent lied to anyone,do I believe there is anyone to lie to in the first place?I will never tell them what they believe is wrong or right and I am there as a symbol of someone who will support them.Isnt that more important?

I'm not for one second saying you're a bad person, and if you perceive that then I apologise.
I was simply saying that getting up and lying about your baptismal vows isn't the best start to guiding your godchildren.
Again, apologies if I offended.
As for my religious beliefs - as yet I have no idea what I believe at all!!

I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable. It is a bit of an awkward set up, but if you are asked, I think you should say yes. She is still your DN, and I assume she will have contact with you through BIL? I agree many people put on christenings just as an excuse for a party, but as you are genuinely religious, you can fulfil this role better than most people who agree to it, but really have no intention of going to church except for weddings / funerals etc.

Ha kafri,sorry who are you?how would you know the best way to guide these children?you dont just guide through church,theres more to life.Its a symbol.Its all about symbolism.You neednt advise me about my life thanks Im quite apt at deciding what I think I should and shouldnt do thanks.You sit and type a whole character bashing,calling me a liar and then apologise.Pah.

Yes of course yabu, what a silly question.

Oh dear, minefield. I guess it doesn't really matter about religion advising throughout life as a parents chosen guardian, it's just as it is a religious ceremony, and you are asking the godparents to guide the children spiritually in that religion it helps in that sense. I'm saying this and I'm an atheist who won't be christening my DC, but realise others don't share this view.

Just read about BILs contact at 2 hours, sorry to hear that. Really sucks for him, but as she grows, she will start to question why she can't have more dad time, and ultimately make up her own mind when she's older, especially if BIL sticks at being a good father and making time for her. Wouldn't you want her to know she had a family on her fathers side that genuinely cared for her, and would welcome her as and when she can visit without her mothers consent?

Im christened but i suppose id be classed as a atheist.Im not opposed to people following religion because I thinks its a good way to live your life,I have muslim.and christian friends and I am really interested in their beliefs and find it interesting learning what their religion entails.I can tell people about christianity,I understand it but I have personally chosen that my DC wont be christened.I think they need to learn about everyones beliefs because it will help them in later life.I respect that my godchildren will follow christianity because their parents do.