When it comes to drinking

[ThePerfectFather]

I look after the kids while my wife works, and by the end of the day I need a fucking drink.

I don't know if that counts as alcohol abuse or alcoholism, but my wife certainly seems to think so. She thinks I drink too much and says that since I drink every day, I "can't" go a day without drinking. The way I see it is that during the week I indeed "can't" go a day without drinking because I look after the kids and after 12 hours with them I want to drink to relax and unwind. Yes I am blaming the children for my rampant booze addiction that is tearing my life apart (hint, it's not).

On average I tend to drink around 4 or 5 cans of beer or cider between 5pm and midnight during the week. I get a nice little buzz, but definitely in no way am I drunk. I'm 37 and 6ft and weight 13 stone so my capacity for booze is...you know...adult. And that's 5 cans over 7 hours. I tend to stop drinking about an hour or an hour and a half before I go to bed at midnight to avoid needing to get up for a piss.

If I drank that amount in the space of a couple of hours as I might on a night out, then yes I would be well on the way. This is more like maintaining that slightly fuzzy level you get after one, maybe two, drinks.

The recommended daily maximum is 4 units a day, and so I probably drink more like 10 units. At the weekend I might drink more and actually get drunk. Some days I will drink more, some days I will drink less. I honestly assumed that since the booze aisles in supermarkets and off licences are so well stocked that a lot of people drink this way.

I don't get drunk often. I don't wake up every day with a throbbing head barely able to function. I don't drink and drive - EVER - I never even have a half if I am driving. If I need to get up early, I won't drink more than a couple. I rarely get stumbling-around drunk and reserve that for nights out with my mates and even then very, very rarely.

I also realise that drinking is bad for you. I know I am drinking well over the recommended daily limit, but that limit is pretty bloody low. Also, what is "too much" for a person? The idea that all men and women are the same when it comes to how much they can and should drink doesn't ring true to me at all. It's like saying there is a fixed number of calories you should consume - but that's dependent on lifestyle and body mass.

I'm not overweight, I have no health problems at all, in no way do I consider myself to be suffering mentally or physically because of the amount I drink. My wife is worried but she worries about pretty much everything 24/7, but I want to find out what other people think. Am I drinking too much? Am I an alcoholic?

South, I really agree with you about the labels not being really helpful. You can always find a way of rationalising that the labels don't apply to you. It's harder to deny the problems that can arise from whatever level of alcohol you might use.

Someone mentioned Allen Carr here - I've bought one for DH as it really helped me with smoking.

You shouldn't be judged for having a problem but the important thing is what you do about it.

Me telling my DH he could spoil our lives won't make a difference unless he invests the time into getting help.

Being pregnant didn't make me feel any less addicted to nicotine despite the theory that I shouldn't "want" to smoke because of the potential risks. I had to get help and keep getting help.

I certainly felt guilty, same as DH does about his drinking, but regardless always found a way to justify it. Being pregnant was motivation to get help, but not motivation in itself to just stop without help.

Good luck

I think you are drinking too much. Reason i say this is that i am now in the habit of drinking between half and a full bottle of wine per night. And i keep thinking i Will cut back but am struggling to in my current stressful circumstances. However, i know its a habit that i can and Will stop, starting with limiting my intake and then having two then three then four alcohol free days per week.

And i have started exercising again as i find it helps in two ways, i destress by doing the exercise and i don't drink so much as i get home later.

It's too much.

DISCLOSURE OF BIAS - your post could have been written by my ex with a few circumstantial differences.

My ex never accepted there was a problem, but from the other side it was horrific. He smelt, he slurred, he moaned, he was ALWAYS defensive, always feeling sorry for himself, often repetitive and never had any energy for anything. He was short with me and with our DD during the day and then rambling, incoherent and miserable/strange company in the evening. He was often verbally/emotionally abusive (not saying you are, but if you were, after 5 cans you may well fail to recognise it).

Superfically he was just plain bad/unattractive company. How do you think your wife feels coming home to an adult who can barely hold a decent conversation (if you are drinking that much, you can't, whatever your experience is telling you. You're wrong. It's coloured by all that booze) and to what is effectively sole responsiblity for her children at any time she is not at work. In effect, she gets to go to work, but then after that - all the shit is hers. Believe me, that takes a massive toll.

More importantly he eventually became a hazard to my DD.

In the end he started to drink during the day, and occasionally after dropping our DD off at school.

He twice picked her up from school drunk.

The second time he did it we left.

He is very sad. And he still drinks. Frankly, you want your marriage to work, you need to fix this or you will be either no longer married, or married to an angry/bitter/tired/resentful woman.

You sound very similar to him. Drinking to mask your resentment of your situation (and failing to do so - your post shrieks self-pity and resentment for what is presumably an agreed set-up) and not accepting the toll it takes on everyone around you. I'm willing to bet your wife doesn't go to certain social events because she's embarrassed. I'd love to know how often you have friends over to your house.

(I know about being a drinker by the way. Before my DD was born I drank loads. I was a bar-propping up style regular. Now, I hardly ever drink and the smell of beer/cider makes me scared and feel physically sick.)

I'm sorry. I know this post is harsh. I've tried not to be but this is my personal experience and I can't help but think it's similar to your wife's. I'm offering it as a wake up call.

I used to drink about the same as Nottalotta. Bad marriage to an alcoholic so I just started drinking because that was the culture I was around.

I knew I was drinking too much and using it as a reward.

Now I drink because I like the taste not because of the effect it has on me. I rarely drink through the week (although had a lovely cold half of cider last night because I fancied it). I also don't limit myself. If I want another glass that is fine.

I don't know what the solution is. I took back control by completely changing my routine in the evenings.

Hope things work out. Knowing there's a problem is the first step really.

No and no.

I too struggled being a SAHP, it really wasn't for me. I did it for 2 years - I should have stopped at a year. So I do feel for you there - it is not for everyone.

But, you are looking after your DC on about 6 hours sleep and 4-5 drinks every night. You say you're not drunk in the mornings, but I'll bet anything and everything that you would be able to cope much better if you slept more and drank less (and the 6 hours sleep you're getting, after that much booze, isn't going to be very good quality sleep).

You do need to cut down. But more than anything, I think you need to stop being a SAHD, if at all possible. You are clearly not happy and that will be affecting your care of your DC.

It sounds as though you need something else to do beyond being a SAHD. Could you get childcare for a day, or a couple of half-days, to give you time to work on your own stuff / volunteer somewhere / just recharge? Would your wife be prepared / be able to work from home for one day a week? You sound as though you are feeling trapped, and drinking is a great anaesthetic for that kind of feeling.

In short, the alcohol is too much for your health, regardless of whether or not it feels like it now, and I think a symptom of a different problem. Stopping drinking Sun-Thurs / cutting down to one beer a couple of weekdays (but not every day) will help you reassess, and you need to talk to your partner about rethinking the situation so you're not feeling trapped. If she is worried about you, I'm sure she'll want to support you, and would welcome the idea that you're trying to take a different approach.

Good luck.

btw, when I was a bored, depressed, miserable expat wifey, it was a source of some pride that I never went as far as some I knew, who would hit the white wine at noon and not look back.

In retrospect, that wasn't really the best bar to judge my own drinking on, and I managed to remain sober for 18 hours of the day because I was looking forward to that first drink. You don't have to be guzzling 24/7 to have a problem with alcohol.

Yes, you are abusing alcohol. You're using it as a crutch, drinking too much and admit you are relient on it.

I'm personally having counselling at the moment myself for alcohol abuse. Like you I drank every day. It isn't normal. I can see that now. I always reasoned away my drinking just like you are, but it is a problem.

You are definitely in need of some time and space for yourself. Being a SAHP is hard work but alcohol is a poor reward. Best of luck with changing your life. It might help to show your wife this thread so that you can both cooperate in meeting your needs in a positive way.

My father drank daily (a relatively limited amount) and died young. He also used it 'to relax'. I often think he would have been less irritable, cross and unpredictable if he had not been tired and hungover every day.

yes and yes.

I caught myself having a drink every evening. I'm short so even 1 unit makes a difference to me. It was a crutch for me, and i used it to 'unwind'. But realised after few months that i was becoming dependent so got all the spirit bottles and poured them down sink.

I do find it diff being a SAHM but i had to do it cos i have DC with health prob, so until school i'm at home. I can totally identify with being fed up by 9am. It becomes easier when you can use free entitlement to send to pre-school in morning. At least then you have a couple of hours in the day to yourself.

If possible, try to get self some time away from kids and ask DW to look after them for a while when she's not working. You need stuff to look forward to that is kid free. Rather than looking forward to your drink at the end of the day.

Your not ill now, but if you carry on drinking 10 units a day, you will end up being ill, by which time it will prob too late.

I think that's another good point - if you drink from 5pm does your DW have sole care of the kids from the minute she gets home? No wonder she's unhappy. Your set-up clearly isn't working for you - there's no shame in that. But drinking 'to relax' isn't the answer.

The daily unit thing is arbitrary. Nobody actually knows. Obviously drinking until you are drunk every day is a Bad Thing, but it doesn't sound like you get drunk?

I drink above the recommended maximum for women, but I never binge. I am clear of eye and skin, healthy, happy and bounce out of bed in the morning.

When I think of what my parents drank routinely when we were growing up (in our terribly naice, middle class household) I am shocked - 2 or 3 G&T, wine with dinner, spirits after, most nights. I'm not in that league.

My concern would be your underlying unhappiness. And does your behaviour change? DF was/ is a nasty drunk, we were scared of him. If your kids feel like that, it's time to stop.

Sorry for not replying sooner, but I drank so much at lunch I passed out*.

SouthbySouthWest I think your post is the best in the thread, so thanks for taking the time to post it.

I've spoken to my wife about it and I honestly don't think I am "an alcoholic" but I have no doubt that I am drinking too much and I'm very conscious of cutting down. Previously I was only cutting down as a casual promise to save some money or to just "cut back a bit" but there was no real reason or motivation. Reading some of your stories and opinions has really helped and given me some honest points of reference and context.

We're going to see if limiting myself to very little during the week, but a bit more relaxed at the weekend, will improve things. Also, going to wait until she's home - I think that slightly later start will help lower my intake anyway. This shouldn't be a problem, and if it is, then it's clearly more of an issue than I imagined and we'll seek help.

I am very sorry for the people who post about their slurring, abusive husbands but I can assure you I am not like that. I almost certainly do smell of booze which can't be nice (although a booze-smelling woman has never bothered me I must say), but I'm not an uncommunicative lump - that takes a fair amount of booze in a short space of time to get that hammered.

Anyway, thanks for the posts, thanks for the advice and the perspective.

*joke

Also my kids have never seen me drunk. Ever.

By the time my wife is home and the kids are off to bed I have had, at most one complete drink. If having one can of beer around children counts as abusing your kids then holy shit, we've got a problem.

If you go back to your first sentence in your first post, the clue is there

You need a "fucking drink" after looking after your children

There is a lot of resentment and aggression in that opening, completely unprompted and subconsciously telling. This is a sweary site, granted. But if I was your wife, I would be reading between the lines here, and not liking the subtext.

You need to get a grip of your life, mate.

Sounds like a drink problem and some addiction - maybe not to alcoholic in the terms you consider to be alcoholic. But over 70 units of alcohol a week is no good.

Yes you might feel healthy now but you can't see inside you can you? Alcahol in men particularly puts fat on the internal organs (apparently this is where beer bellies come from) as well as increased chance of heart attacks, strokes and cancer.

And as much as you think you aren't drunk I reckon it's unpleasant for your wife to be around you every night whether you're just tipsy and buzzed or slightly drunk - every fucking night - how fucking tedious! .

Yes and yes to both questions. I would be taking steps with my DH if he 'really needed a fucking drink' every day after a day doing what loads of people do every day, ie look after children, especially if 's drink' was as much as that.

I worked as a typist in a hospital which dealt with liver patients. I am not an expert but I would regularly type up the notes of people waiting who drank the same amount each day as you during the week (e.g. 5 cans a night) and didn't even have the binges you have at the weekend.

Normally the reason I was typing up their notes was because they needed a liver transplant. The majority of them never got one and died.

I'm not being sanctimonious, I am an ex drinker myself and it was seeing those things that made me stop.

Drinking at the level you do a betting man would be inclined to put a bet on you ending up in the same situation yourself. Seriously.

You have children, do you not want to do the utmost you can to be there for them for as long as you can? You can't be being the best parent you can when you're drinking like this. It's beyond me how anybody can deal with a proper stinking hangover and a small child.

My Dad is an alcoholic. He makes the same excuses. He ruined my childhood- don't ruin your children's. If your stressed, do other things, a walk, reading, etc. you don't need to drink to de-stress.

I'd like to respond to a couple of posts in this thread:

Firstly, 4 or 5 (pressumably 500ml) cans per day is not '5 or 6 times' the recommended limit; it's certainly and good 2-3 times, though.

Secondly, there's no such thing as a 'beer belly', so that's irrelevant.

Having said that, I do think OP's drinking is a problem and it's far too much in my opinion.

I would be very concerned if I or my OH was drinking to such excess on a daily basis.

(I just don't think that exaggerating the facts is going to help anyone)

Funnily enough, I did actually stop drinking entirely in January a couple of years ago and suffered a chronic vitamin D deficiency as a result.

Heavy consumption of alcohol causes Vit D deficiency. Stopping does not.

Cumfy, it's a vitamin B deficiency that drinking causes, not vitamin D.