When it comes to drinking

[ThePerfectFather]

I look after the kids while my wife works, and by the end of the day I need a fucking drink.

I don't know if that counts as alcohol abuse or alcoholism, but my wife certainly seems to think so. She thinks I drink too much and says that since I drink every day, I "can't" go a day without drinking. The way I see it is that during the week I indeed "can't" go a day without drinking because I look after the kids and after 12 hours with them I want to drink to relax and unwind. Yes I am blaming the children for my rampant booze addiction that is tearing my life apart (hint, it's not).

On average I tend to drink around 4 or 5 cans of beer or cider between 5pm and midnight during the week. I get a nice little buzz, but definitely in no way am I drunk. I'm 37 and 6ft and weight 13 stone so my capacity for booze is...you know...adult. And that's 5 cans over 7 hours. I tend to stop drinking about an hour or an hour and a half before I go to bed at midnight to avoid needing to get up for a piss.

If I drank that amount in the space of a couple of hours as I might on a night out, then yes I would be well on the way. This is more like maintaining that slightly fuzzy level you get after one, maybe two, drinks.

The recommended daily maximum is 4 units a day, and so I probably drink more like 10 units. At the weekend I might drink more and actually get drunk. Some days I will drink more, some days I will drink less. I honestly assumed that since the booze aisles in supermarkets and off licences are so well stocked that a lot of people drink this way.

I don't get drunk often. I don't wake up every day with a throbbing head barely able to function. I don't drink and drive - EVER - I never even have a half if I am driving. If I need to get up early, I won't drink more than a couple. I rarely get stumbling-around drunk and reserve that for nights out with my mates and even then very, very rarely.

I also realise that drinking is bad for you. I know I am drinking well over the recommended daily limit, but that limit is pretty bloody low. Also, what is "too much" for a person? The idea that all men and women are the same when it comes to how much they can and should drink doesn't ring true to me at all. It's like saying there is a fixed number of calories you should consume - but that's dependent on lifestyle and body mass.

I'm not overweight, I have no health problems at all, in no way do I consider myself to be suffering mentally or physically because of the amount I drink. My wife is worried but she worries about pretty much everything 24/7, but I want to find out what other people think. Am I drinking too much? Am I an alcoholic?

[Itchywoolyjumper]

OP, I'm glad its been a wake up call for you. My dad drank like you when we were wee but he also got his wake up call before it was too late. He's now in his 60s, fit healthy and much lovelier man. I know I've been quite harsh here but I really hope everything works out for you.

[samandi]

Too much to be drinking every day IMO.

[Llareggub]

Just a point to anyone who might be reading this who advises stopping drinking. It can be really dangerous to go cold turkey when the body is reliant on alcohol. I'm not suggesting that the OP is but having seen the impact of cold turkey on my ex I would urge a dependent drinker to seek advice from a GP. It can be fatal.

[ThePerfectFather]

I think a crutch is definitely what I am using it as. Honestly I am sick of being a SAHD and I'm finding it extremely stressful.

But for various reasons there's no way around it, so I figured I'd just stick it out for the next couple of years then when the kids are at school it won't be so bad. Most days I'm pretty much fed up with it by around 9am. I am amazed that I'm alone in drinking in the evenings to unwind. I thought that's what people did. How naive!

[MintyChops]

Perfect, try soberistas.com for some help.

[antimatter]

I was wondering if you ever tested yourself for what your level of alcohol in your blood is first thing in the morning.

Reas LaurieFairyCake post - see what she advises.

The thing is - you can pretend to us here, even to your wife at home. But try to be honest with yourself. If you are then at least you can understand what's happening to your moods and body.

If a female came here and said - I am looking after my kids 12 hour every day and can't relax at the end of the day, so I need a drink - advice would be the same.

[Buzzardbird]

Try and put yourself in your wife's shoes. If it were you working all day whilst she looks after the dcs and then you came home after a long day at work to find her 'self-medicating' every night, how would you feel?
I say this because I have a friend in this position and her dh is looking at her with scorn on his face every night and it is destroying their relationship.
you need to find other coping strategies. Please.

[Longfufu]

YABU, you drink way too much. Sad, that you NEED a drink after looking after your own children everyday.

Im a SAHM and occasionally feel like a glass of wine is needed if I've had a difficult day but 10 units...that's loads! Get some help and grow up.

[Januarymadness]

An occasional drink in the eve would not be a problem but what you are talking about isnt that is it. You NEED it, you would go CRAZY without it, you cant go a day without it. You are using sahd as an excuse because you admit it is worse at the weekend. That is problem drinking in anyones book.

[ThePerfectFather]

I am not for one moment assuming that the advice is any different just because I am a man. I'd be really disappointed if it was.

I also don't want people to think I am still drunk the next day - I can assure you that is in no way the case. Ever.

Apart from the fact I am looking after the kids so would never do that, the mere idea of being hungover with small children screaming and fighting around me fills me with dread.

[Buzzardbird]

Trust me, it is not pleasant to grow up thinking your dad is supposed to smell that way every day. My dad was never drunk either, still died early because of it though. As did my sil leaving two little kids on Christmas eve. Was never drunk, just needed a few every say to chill. So many lives screwed up by selfishness.

[DeniseFelch]

I was drinking as much as you up until last year, and I would have defended my right to do it to the hilt. I'd have said I was never drunk drunk during the week, and that I didn;t get hangovers.

I did Dry January for Cancer Research. No one thought I could do it, and that was partly why I did (bloddy minded, me). Within two weeks I'd lost weight, felt much less miserable and tired, slept better, woke up fresher, I was more relaxed in the evenings despite not having my 'relaxing' bottle glass of wine.

I honestly can't stress how amazing the difference in me is.

I still drink too much now. But only at weekends and thursdays. I feel my hangovers much more keenly, because I'm not used to them every single day. This is a good thing.

Why don't you set yourself a month to do Not Drinking? Make it a challenge for yourself.

I went out at the end of January, got shitfaced, decided that was a total waste of time and ended up doing Dry Feb as well, so you might surprise yourself...

[antimatter]

according to:
www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/853.aspx?CategoryID=87

On average, it takes about one hour for your body to break down one unit of alcohol.

10 units = 10 hours, so if you have drink at say 7 pm, the earliest your body gor ridden of it is 5 AM

so technically you are likely not to have any in your body, but that isn't guaranteed.

Besides - have you calculated how much it cost you pw?
30 quid at least I would say....
is there hobby you could finance with that kind of money?

[Hercy]

You say you don't feel addicted, but your excuses for not having a break are pretty poor. "I'll just go back to drinking" "I'll go nuts if I don't drink on certain nights".

It would be far easier to take control now, then wait a couple of years and find it overwhelmingly difficult. You should also bear in mind that your wife seems willing to support you in cutting back now, but in a few years, if you carry on like this (or drink more), there's no guarantee your family will stick around to support you.

Even if you can't accept you have a problem, would you be prepared to lose your family over it? Your wife sounds unhappy now, how do you think she'll feel in a couple of years?

[dreamingbohemian]

I do sympathise OP, I used to be, pretty much, a functional alcoholic, before kids, and even now I do still like a drink at the end of a day (only one or two though).

Maybe you can separate it into two issues: 1. Drinking every day, and 2. How much you drink

I would suggest first addressing how much you drink, because in my experience, once you can get to the point where you only have a drink or two per night, it is much easier to then cut back to having days with no drinks at all.

Right now you have a decent tolerance, so you need the five cans to get that feeling. But once you cut down, you will get the same amount of relaxation from just a drink or two. I used to easily have five drinks a night, and just feel slightly buzzed. If I drink that much now I'm really drunk, my tolerance is gone.

So I would suggest cutting back to four cans first. Then three, then two. Try to arrange it so you only have the daily number of cans in the fridge so you can't drink more than your limit. Also, try to push back the time when you start drinking. 5 pm is a bit early, your kids are still awake.

At the same time, try to find other activities that will relax you. What kind of things do you like to do?

I would also say that while you may not feel hungover in the morning, the drinking does affect you, it will make you more prone to fatigue and short temper. The fact that you need a drink by 5 pm does suggest your days are not easy. You may not see the effects now, but I promise you, if you go a week without drinking, you will see how much better you feel -- and if you feel better, it will be easier to cut back on the drinking.

Sorry this is long but just wanted to say I do understand, but you can improve things and I think you will find things are better because of it.

[Hercy]

I think dreaming bohemian offers very good practical advice.

[silverten]

I had a mate who lived alone, and, faced with a rather large recycling bin at the end of the week, decided that it was probably a good idea if he cut down a bit. No big panic, he thought, should be easy.

What scared the bejesus out of him was the fact that, despite having decided to do it without any big effort, the next couple of nights he discovered that he'd managed to put a bottle away both nights without even noticing.

For what it's worth it sounds like you're drinking way too much to me, and if it's an ingrained habit then you're not actually getting the 'fun' out of it any more. It should really be a treat, not a staple part of your diet!

[ThePerfectFather]

I think it's good advice too. I do recognise that it's a lot, our bottles and cans recycling box seems to be brimful by collection day and that can't be a good thing.

Funnily enough, I did actually stop drinking entirely in January a couple of years ago and suffered a chronic vitamin D deficiency as a result. It turns out there is vitamin D in beer and I think the sudden stop did something bad to my body because maybe it was getting it's vitamin D from the beer and when that dried up the bloody weather in this country certainly wasn't going to help!

I do think that going completely off the booze wouldn't really be practical, but it worries me that the fact that wouldn't work is itself a problem. If I set myself boundaries I need to stick to them. Maybe alongside the kids magnetic reward chart I can have a "Daddy's Drinking Chart" and mark off how I am doing.

[Crunchymunchyhoneycakes]

www.aa.org/subpage.cfm?page=71

[Squitten]

I couldn't advise on whether or not this counts as alcoholism but I would be extremely worried if my husband drank that much every day. It sounds like you are unhappy in your situation and the drinking makes it better for you.

DreamingBohemian offers some sound advice there. You should try cutting back slowly and see what happens. If you find yourself craving that extra alcohol in any way then I think you know you have a dependancy. If it's fine, then continue to cut back for your health if nothing else. I suspect you will see a difference in how you feel.

[Squitten]

X-posted.

The fact that you immediately find the total absence of alcohol worrying really should set off large alarm bells in your head. That is not a normal attitude to drinking.

[Crowler]

My husband drinks too much, and can I just tell you, it's gross. I hate it. It drains my respect for him.

You probably slur, and smell, and say stupid things, and this does not make for a great romance.

My husband and I agreed to stop drinking at home about 4 months ago, and it worked beautifully for me - it worked well for him for a while, too, but now he drinks at home again.

I was a too-heavy at home drinker also; I couldn't face an evening at home without 2-3 glasses of wine. It was hard for me the first week or so, but now it's easy and I feel much better for it. I would suggest you try this. If you can't manage, then maybe you need to consider the possibility that you need some outside help.

[WilsonFrickett]

You can get a vitamin D supplement from the chemist. It's cheaper than beer.

[mummytowillow]

If this was your wife what would you think?

Of she looked after the children for 12 hours, and drank the same as you, would you think it was too much?

Can you go a day without a drink? What happens if you do?

If you can't then I'd say you have a problem