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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not offer these women a lift tomorrow though I know they will have a bastard of a journey if I don't

78 replies

lecce · 03/07/2013 20:51

I am on a course tomorrow. It is the third of its kind - the same people and venue each time. There has been one each term this academic year. I am a teacher so the other partipants are other teachers from other schools in the region.

On the first one, I was asked by the leader if I would give a lift to two women back to the city. The journey by bus takes two hours, and the bus wasn't due for nearly an hour, though by car it is 40 minutes. The second time, I recognised the same two women so immediately told them I would be happy to take them back again. They were very grateful.

However, since then I have moved and, though I could still go home via 'their' way, there is a slightly quicker route also available. Moreover, ds has an after school event that means I need to get home as quickly as possible. It will really be a push and both these women have stood around talking to others after the end time and, even if I asked them not to do that, the time spent removing car seats and then having to put them back in when I got home would all add up. Tbh, it wouldn't really matter if ds was 10 mins or so late, but I just don't want the extra faffing in what is already going to be a very busy day (course adds 20 mins onto my 30 minute comute anyway.)

I hate the thought of seeing these women, knowing that they will be hoping for a lift, and not obliging. I would hate to be them, having a 3 hour journey home. I feel like if I start giving my reasons it will sound like I'm fobbing them off and making it up, but to say nothing would be rude. AIBU? And if not, what shall I say to them?

OP posts:

Inertia · 04/07/2013 06:44

Of course YANBU.

When you see them, just explain that you are not able to give them a lift as you are not going their way, you are going to a family event immediately after the course and you have to be there early to pick up your son. They might be able to get another lift; if not they can use public transport. They are grown adults travelling as a pair in broad daylight, it's not as though you'd be leaving a six year old to make their way home alone.

Inertia · 04/07/2013 06:48

But giving the lift could mean letting her child down . If OP is supposed to be getting her son to the show for a particular time, then not being there for him may put his safety at risk ( depending on his age ) and could let down everyone else in the show if he is late.

Ragwort · 04/07/2013 06:50

I agree with Aldi - to me it is human kindness to help other people out, I know I get taken for granted on many occasions however, I like to think I am the bigger person .

Make it very clear that you need to leave on time.

MusicalEndorphins · 04/07/2013 06:52

YANBU and don't have anything to feel guilty over. Just tell them you will have to be somewhere quickly that afternoon. Hope your husband will feel better soon.

AwkwardSquad · 04/07/2013 07:06

Unless I'm missing something and you are the only other participant who lived in the city, could the course leader not find someone else to give these two women a lift? She asked you the first time and you kindly agreed; if you make it clear at the start of the session that you can't help this time, she can hopefully find another volunteer.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/07/2013 07:14

You are worrying unnecessarily. If you hadn't offered them a lift the first time, they'd presumably have found their way home/got a lift from someone else, right?

Tell them hi, nice to see them again, unfortunately you've moved house so you can't give them a lift this time, bye! They don't need the ins and outs of how far you've moved, what your timelines are like, all of those things. That will be enough to address the possible expectation, and you are completely not being unreasonable.

HenWithAttitude · 04/07/2013 07:18

Sometimes we have to put ourselves first. Sounds like this is one of those times for you...and anyway it's not putting yourself first so much as not making an offer to go out of your way

Pozzled · 04/07/2013 07:30

Yanbu. I don't drive and know what it's like relying on public transport, but I would never expect someone to give me a lift when it's not convenient.

These two women can arrange something else- wait for the bus, ask someone else or whatever. They would have to do so if you were ill and couldn't attend the course.

(As an aside, why on earth is the course in such a remote venue? That's pretty poor planning.)

Justforlaughs · 04/07/2013 07:32

Tell them and the course teacher as soon as you arrive that it is inconvenient. You could even word it "it is a bit awkward to give you a lift tonight, is there anyone else here that you could ask...last resort, let me know but we will have to leave early". In fairness, you obviously knew that you had moved house and must have had SOME notice of your sons event before today, I think I would have sent them a message if possible to warn them in advance. RE. car seats, pain in the a* aren't they! Do you have a booster seat that you could put in for today as it would be a lot quicker than a whole seat.

MumnGran · 04/07/2013 07:33

For goodness sake, you are not a taxi service.
Let the course tutor know that she needs to find someone else to offer these ladies a lift as you no longer travel in that direction.
She asked you initially .... I am sure someone else will also be heading their way, and she will have that info.

I am all for helping people out, but not making yourself a martyr over it.

Fakebook · 04/07/2013 07:36

If it makes you feel guilty then give them a lift, but tbh, you have valid reasons not to. You've moved house and take a different route. Why can't these women take a taxi and split the costs? Some train journies are quicker too. The women may not even be there! Stop worrying about other people's problems. It's not healthy.

Tee2072 · 04/07/2013 07:40

Are they paying for petrol? Your time? Wear and tear on your car? Does your insurance cover something like this, as it might be considered being 'for work' and therefore not covered under your regular policy?

Yes, it was nice of you to give them lifts in the past. You are under no obligation to do the same in the future.

Branleuse · 04/07/2013 07:40

Tell them you are going to need to leave the course before the end, and if theyre ready to go, then youll take them, but you wont be waiting around for anyone

Justforlaughs · 04/07/2013 07:45

YWBU to not tell them until the end of the course.

IsItMeOr · 04/07/2013 07:58

Can they not just squish in between the car seats in situ? One in front seat, one in middle in back? Yes, it will be uncomfy, but then they have the choice of that or a 3 hour bus journey?

You could combine that with the early departure and if they still want to some then you can do them the favour without inconveniencing yourself.

If that doesn't work, then don't worry about it. You sound like you have a lot on your plate at the mo and it's okay to say "enough!".

EugenesAxe · 04/07/2013 08:06

I don't think you would be unreasonable to say immediately 'I'm really sorry, but I have a function to attend this evening that means I won't be able to offer you a lift this time.' If they probe then explain about having moved and the lift adding time you cannot spare to your journey.

If you wanted to go the extra mile you could contact the course leader or someone else with a vested interest and tell her/him, to see if they can arrange an alternative lift before the day.

I agree that you should say immediately about the lift, as they may be assuming a tacit agreement to give them one exists otherwise.

Blu · 04/07/2013 08:16

This isn't worth all this angst on your part. Mixed responses is just different suggestions.
You can either be clear and direct about your changed circs and leave bang on the dot and give them a lift
OR
Explain you no longer go that way and have a school event to rush to and leave it at that.

I would do the latter as if you try and fit in giving a lift yours e yourself no contingency for getting DS to school on time. And for what it's worth , as someone who manages lots of young people's events it is very stressful if kids are late even if there is 'hanging around' . That us your planning time for if someone doesn't turn up. Drives me mad when kids are late and you have to organise them into the process at the last minute.

I bet someone else will go into town. And if not the group should be asking the LA about their transport policy and arranging courses in places only practically accessible by car

Enough dithering about this small matter. Make your decision yourself, not on what other MNers would do, post your decision without justification and get on with your busy day!

curlew · 04/07/2013 08:20

Give them a lift. But tell them first thing that you have to leave on the dot.

maternitart · 04/07/2013 08:27

For me the guilt and stress of not giving them a lift would probably outweigh the extra burden of doing it. So I'd do it. But that's just me!

PearlyWhites · 04/07/2013 08:28

Yanbu because of your ds school event however if it was just because you had moved than that would be selfish.,

FryOneFatManic · 04/07/2013 10:14

The OP was asked to give a lift the first time, and offered the second time. Does that mean she is now obliged to offer every time?

If I went on a training course, I, and I alone, was responsible for my own transport arrangements. If offered a lift, well that's great. If I needed a lift, I spoke to someone on the course in advance (if they were going my way). I would NOT just assume that someone on the course would give me a lift and not bother to make other arrangements.

In the OP's case, there's no mention that any attempt has been made to contact her in advance about a lift. So hopefully these others will have planned how they are getting home as if it were me I would hate to get there and find they are expecting a lift.

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 04/07/2013 10:47

I'd offer a lift. I'd see its as good karma and it's not worth the mental energy you're using up trying to avoid it.

demisemiquaver · 04/07/2013 10:53

YANBU !!! Just say at start of day that you are -pushed for time as have to go straight to school for imp meet and cant be late which a detour would cause

MummytoKatie · 04/07/2013 11:09

It will really be a push and both these women have stood around talking to others after the end time

I'm a firm believer that if someone is giving you a lift somewhere you are ready the second they want to leave. I remember getting a lift to work for a month or so from a friend when I was between cars. I would sit at the window from 10 minutes before she was due and make sure I was out of the house before her car finished stopping.

BabyClam · 04/07/2013 11:21

YANBU
It sounds v stressful, I wouldn't offer.

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