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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer these women a lift tomorrow though I know they will have a bastard of a journey if I don't

78 replies

lecce · 03/07/2013 20:51

I am on a course tomorrow. It is the third of its kind - the same people and venue each time. There has been one each term this academic year. I am a teacher so the other partipants are other teachers from other schools in the region.

On the first one, I was asked by the leader if I would give a lift to two women back to the city. The journey by bus takes two hours, and the bus wasn't due for nearly an hour, though by car it is 40 minutes. The second time, I recognised the same two women so immediately told them I would be happy to take them back again. They were very grateful.

However, since then I have moved and, though I could still go home via 'their' way, there is a slightly quicker route also available. Moreover, ds has an after school event that means I need to get home as quickly as possible. It will really be a push and both these women have stood around talking to others after the end time and, even if I asked them not to do that, the time spent removing car seats and then having to put them back in when I got home would all add up. Tbh, it wouldn't really matter if ds was 10 mins or so late, but I just don't want the extra faffing in what is already going to be a very busy day (course adds 20 mins onto my 30 minute comute anyway.)

I hate the thought of seeing these women, knowing that they will be hoping for a lift, and not obliging. I would hate to be them, having a 3 hour journey home. I feel like if I start giving my reasons it will sound like I'm fobbing them off and making it up, but to say nothing would be rude. AIBU? And if not, what shall I say to them?

OP posts:
themaltesecat · 03/07/2013 21:30

I'd give them a lift.

soverylucky · 03/07/2013 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

briany · 03/07/2013 21:32

you don't say how far out of your way it is. but if it's not far, i'd give them a lift and just explain if you want a lift you need to come now - 3 hours fgs! or as someone else suggested - a drop off point along the way.

ihearsounds · 03/07/2013 21:33

Wouldnt give them a lift this time. It will be a faff dragging them out of the place. Diverting your drive home. faffing with the carseats. Trying to find somewhere to park near the school. Then there's the traffic, and yes i know this could be an issue anyway. But you are better to leave yourself more time rather than rushing around after.
If you are feeling generous you could offer a lift a bit of the way, but dont feel guilty if you decide not to.

FryOneFatManic · 03/07/2013 21:38

If the course is tomorrow, and neither woman has so far made any attempt to find out in advance if they are able to get a lift home, then I would not be inclined to offer.

The OP may have moved house but has not changed jobs, so would still be contactable via the school. I am sure that the other teachers will know which school OP works at.

Wholetthedogin · 03/07/2013 21:38

My priority would be my child's event.

If giving these ladies a lift back meant that I would be late or miss part of it then I'm sorry but it would be a No this time. Like others have said, I would explain that I couldn't give them a lift as soon as I could so that they could make alternative arrangements.

Latara · 03/07/2013 21:41

I would offer a lift but then I know what it's like having to travel for a ridiculously long time (by bus) when it's only a short distance by car.

It seems mean not to give them a lift; just as long as they are ready on time.

Also, as a previous poster said you never know if you may cross paths again and need a favour from them in future...

Original poster
lecce · 03/07/2013 21:53

Oh dear - mixed responses Confused.

Unfortunately, there is no way I could take them part of the way. The course really is in a complete arse of a place, and my new route would take me a back on A roads that have no buses that I ever see, and completely miss out the city, which is where they live.

I suppose this may be classed as a drip-feed, though it has nothing really to do with it, but dh has MS and is not great this week, adding to my general stress levels and, I suppose making me feel less generous than usual. I just hate the thought of arriving at ds's school as he comes out and struggling to get the car seat back in. Yet, it really doesn't matter if he's a bit late (in a show - lots of hanging around before hand).Yet, I will have to entertain ds2 on my own during the 3 hour long dress rehersal and I'd just like to make the rest of the day as easy as possible.

But, ffs, a three hour long journey Confused. And I only learnt to drive in my 30s so I know just what it's like...

Mind you, not too worried about coming across them in the future - can't really imagine them holding some sort of grudge against me and, I don't know, refusing to share a resource with me or something Smile.

OP posts:
Moxiegirl · 03/07/2013 21:59

They aren't your responsibility and a bus journey won't hurt them. I can drive but hate it so I get buses everywhere!

Wholetthedogin · 03/07/2013 22:02

PLEASE PUT YOUR FAMILY FIRST
and you are important too.

These are grown up women who are perfectly capable of looking after themselves. You are not responsible for making sure that they get home.

By putting your colleagues first you are putting more stress on what is already a difficult situation for you and your family.

Just to be clear I think that you would be unreasonable to give these women a lift home.

Yonirubbishnamesleft · 03/07/2013 22:03

As a non-driver, I would think it fine if you told me you couldn't give me a lift. It's a favour, not a something I expect.

To be honest, I think it will add too much stress to your evening. What if you get stuck in city traffic?

LastButOneSplash · 03/07/2013 22:09

As I said before, I'm generous with lifts, but if its stressing you, for whatever reason, then just don't do it. If I was feeling stressy about it, tis what I'd do.

Poppylovescheese · 03/07/2013 22:13

I wouldn't give them a lift and I am usually a soft touch.

Aniseeda · 03/07/2013 23:12

In your situation I wouldn't be offering a lift this time either.

Tell them early on that you've moved so go a different way home now and can't offer a lift this time. Don't get into explaining about your evening other than to say you need to dash off straight away at the end (If it was me I'd end up waffling and sounding like I was making excuses even if I wasn't!)

Tell the course leader too as he/she might know someone else who is going in their direction and could ask them instead. If not, they can have a chat on the bus or share a taxi.

BriansBrain · 03/07/2013 23:18

You have been kind and helped them out but unfortunately you cant help this time due to family commitments.

End of.

Wuldric · 03/07/2013 23:22

Offer a lift FGS

What goes around comes around

My lift share to school did an about-turn on the after-school run. It was altogether too difficult for her (NOT) Was a pain but arranged for taxis. She has broken her leg now and is entirely dependent upon us for lifts there and back. I am being the bigger person (but I cannot help smirking)

trixymalixy · 03/07/2013 23:23

I would just say you have family commitments and can't give them a lift this time, and I am the kind of person that would normally go out of my way to give lifts to people.

Cherriesarelovely · 03/07/2013 23:33

I would just say no on this occasion. You sound as if you have enough on your plate. Don't feel terrible about it you have been generous in the past but just can't this time.

oreocookiez · 03/07/2013 23:37

You are not a taxi, they are all grown women and can look after them selves. you could say to them that your DD has something on afterwards so you dont have the time or that you have moved. Either way you are not responsible for 3 other adult women and have been kind already helping them in the past

aldiwhore · 03/07/2013 23:44

YABU.

Sorry. You are.

All you need to do is be assertive and say "I'm going now"... what is 20 minutes to your day? A car seat is a pain in the arse every which way you look at it.

I couldn't leave knowing two people I may count on in the future would have a THREE HOUR journey home. I couldn't. I would probably even accept it would cost me in an extra few minutes childcare.

Guess what, I'm not a do-gooding fucking saint, I actually loathe most bloody people, but it just seems, well... dare I say "entitled" (as in, I am entitled to get home in the quickest possible time) if you factor in the lifts you'll give, are assertive with your leaving time, and are an optimist that one good turn deserves another, then I think you have no real reason NOT to do it.

I accept people will think me a doormat, or lame, or stupid... and I don't care.

aldiwhore · 03/07/2013 23:48

I am also ignoring the drip feed, only because you said it didn't factor into it.

Do tell them you've moved, request a contribution to petrol and do it.

Otherworld · 03/07/2013 23:50

I would offer too. I agree with Wuldric. What goes around comes around.

Although if I was these two women I'd have organised an alternative way home that doesn't involve a three hour journey!

FlipertyJibbert · 03/07/2013 23:56

This is a no brainer!

When you see them just let them know you can't give them a lift. I bet they will still think you are lovely for giving them a lift for the two previous trips.

If I was them I would not mind at all and I would not want you to be put out on my account.

sleepyhead · 04/07/2013 00:07

If I was one of those women I wouldn't be expecting a lift and wouldn't bat an eyelid if you said you wouldn't be able to do it this week.

I'd be hoping for it, and my heart would sink into my boots at the thought of a three hour journey home, but I wouldn't blame you.

If I were you I'd be offering the lift because -fuck, three hours! I couldn't not do it. I just couldn't unless to do it would mean letting someone else down.

SingingSilver · 04/07/2013 00:17
  1. They haven't asked her to give them a lift, 2) the route is no longer convenient and 3) she needs to be somewhere for her son.

Her child should be the priority here, and she doesn't know that she wouldn't miss his show, what if she got stuck in traffic? She was nice to help out when she could, maybe someone else could help out. Otherwise a one off trip of three hours isn't the end of the world.