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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on strike

54 replies

LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/07/2013 06:04

This will be long and have some people frothing - apologies on both counts.

I work full time, usually 12 hour days (carer)
DP does not (is looking)
We have 3 DC - DS15, DSS8 and DSS5

I do:

All shopping, cooking, cleaning, admin, homework, ironing, loading dishwasher. I do mean ALL OF IT.

DP does:

Grass cutting
Walk dog
Occasional laundry
Dishwasher 2-3 times a week

Example, yesterday. I got up at 6am, work at 7am. Returned at 6.30pm. Kitchen a bomb site, no tidying done, kids uniform not ready, homework not done, kids tea not made. I put shopping away, make tea, do homework.

By 9pm kids asleep, make food for DS. Too tired to eat myself, DP asks what's for dinner. By now I have loaded dishwasher/unloaded twice. Made packed lunches, emptied bins, folded laundry. When I got in, DP was on lap top. At 9.30pm I walk the dog. I go to bed. Have been up all night with raging toothache.

Well I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

I am going on strike, quite literally. Has anyone else done this? I am fucking knackered, pissed off and he is an arse.

AIBU? Will the children suffer?

OP posts:
Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/07/2013 06:11

We have huge family issues, both DSS being assessed for ASD and loads of other stuff. Money is as tight as it gets. My DS is a "school refuser". DS and DSS 8 both under CAMHS. It goes on...

Trying not to drip feed Sad

OP posts:
FoxyHarlow123 · 01/07/2013 06:41

Why are you even asking. Unless you want to end up in an early grave, things need to change and fast.

Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/07/2013 06:43

Asking if anyone else has done it and worried about children, foxy

OP posts:
saintmerryweather · 01/07/2013 06:45

the older kids are old enough to pitch in as well, you dont mention if they have chores go do

Rainbowinthesky · 01/07/2013 06:50

Could DP be depressed? Doesn't sound like normal behaviour. Has he always been like this?

Ruprekt · 01/07/2013 06:54

You can try to strike but I think it will make you more miserable.

Ruprekt · 01/07/2013 06:56

Posted too soon....

I think you should set up a list of chores for everyone.

Ds1can do dishwasher.

Ds2 can help dh with laundry.

Ds3 can set table for dinner.

Dh is not working so can do the rest of chores and get dinner started.

Tell them you need help. If they refuse......then strike!!SmileSmile

dopeysheep · 01/07/2013 07:04

What does your P do while you are cooking/doing the dishwasher/laundry? Does he sit on his arse and watch?
I don't know how you haven't strangled him with a dirty school shirt by now, honestly.
The older children can definitely do more as well.

I feel exhausted just reading your post, you can't continue like this you will make yourself ill.

Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/07/2013 07:57

Yes he sits on his arse. He is on ADs and no has not always been like this. I have spoken to him many times we have both had a lot of stress. Am fed up of him watching me struggle.

He says I am nagging.

I think he has no concept of the juggling act I do with money , kids, chores etc. he has never HAD to do it. So I am thinking about making him by going in strike. Kids do some jobs, DS 15 does nothing - I've been working on that for 15 years Sad

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 01/07/2013 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salbertina · 01/07/2013 08:10

Poor you! This must be the most clear-cut AIBU i have ever seen, you are definitely NOT BU! Go on strike, give an ultimatum, stop doing it all.

Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/07/2013 08:12

Euphemia I have to decide where to draw the line - how much squalor can I tolerate? Do I start with a clean house or just let things deteriorate? Do I even say anything?

OP posts:
AngryFeet · 01/07/2013 08:13

Strike?! I would tell him to get out until he can call himself a proper father and partner rather than a millstone around your neck.

doublecakeplease · 01/07/2013 08:13

Yip - i felt like this. DH will do anything i ask but never sees what needs doing. So we had a discussion. Now i will happily do everyone's ironing BUT i 'bank' the hours and expect DH to look for and do chores worth roughly the same amount of time. Likewise he can iron / mow / Hoover and bank the time. We work roughly the same (long) hours in equally stressful jobs.

Tbh he'd not ever thought about how much time and effort running a house takes until i explained it in task lists and time.

Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/07/2013 08:13

For example we only have one loo...

OP posts:
amigababy · 01/07/2013 08:17

I would definitely announce it but in a calm "this is how it is " way.

I'd also volunteer to show dc 's how to do what is needed, with them, so you and they, are clear what's expected.

I think you'll have to steel yourself against what it might look like for a while and be strong minded.

Eyesunderarock · 01/07/2013 08:19

YANBU to go on strike.
You have had enough and the current situation isn't fair.
However, I have experience with ASDs, working full time and depression, so here's my tuppence.
In my family, rotas and job lists work and they are age appropriate to every member of the house.
Bribery, barter and trading work too as motivation for children. There is no reason why your older two couldn't be doing a significant portion. When I say bribes, I used access to technology, including the tv, interesting food and leisure time. I don't mean anything involving extra expense or effort on your part.
If there is a list, with times where appropriate, then once established they can become embedded in the routine, and no one has the excuse of 'I didn't know' It can be a pain to set up, but once done it can just keep running.
Depression can make people inert and unresponsive, a check list of stuff to do can help give the day some structure.
And no, if you do go on strike, the children will be inconvenienced, not suffer in any real sense. But usually your sense of guilt, however unjustified gets in the way.

Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/07/2013 08:21

Hmm, banking hours is interesting.

Tbh I think we have both just given up. Although I achieve more in an hour than he does in a day! Can't decide if I am angry, sad or both.

Maybe I will move into the shed Smile

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 01/07/2013 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/07/2013 08:23

Eyes, I've had several attempts at that, but he won't support me. It's difficult because the younger two are his children, not mine. He is very inconsistent in his parenting.

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 01/07/2013 08:28

Then a strike, with verbalising why to everyone else in the house is your best bet.
At 15, your son needs to be taking a lot more responsibility, and as he is ill, your OH will need more structure and organising than he would if he were not depressed. Which is why I suggested the rota.
But you can't keep going like this, if you crack too, what will happen to all the stuff you are carrying?
So prioritise what are the absolute essentials and what happens to the rest.
Keep explaining why, in short sentences, when they complain about the lack of clean dishes and clothing.

Eyesunderarock · 01/07/2013 08:35

'All shopping, cooking, cleaning, admin, homework, ironing, loading dishwasher. I do mean ALL OF IT.'

'Example, yesterday. I got up at 6am, work at 7am. Returned at 6.30pm. Kitchen a bomb site, no tidying done, kids uniform not ready, homework not done, kids tea not made. I put shopping away, make tea, do homework.

By 9pm kids asleep, make food for DS. Too tired to eat myself, DP asks what's for dinner. By now I have loaded dishwasher/unloaded twice. Made packed lunches, emptied bins, folded laundry. When I got in, DP was on lap top. At 9.30pm I walk the dog. I go to bed.'

Online shopping for basics. Cooking, again scale it down and make it as easy as you can. I'd only be worried about feeding the younger ones, at 15 he can make basic meals for himself. Admin? homework is the child's responsibility, and your OH can hear his two read. Ironing, why? Only your work clothes.
You can live in a messy house.
Going on strike is hard, how likely is it to upset you more than them?

Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/07/2013 08:47

I think DP will take it as an attack and be childish. I agree I can't go on like this.

I mean why wait until I get in to feed the kids? It's too late on a school night. I get "oh I didn't know what you were planning".

Ffs, look in the bloody fridge

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 01/07/2013 08:51

I had a menu, pinned on the noticeboard because Aspie DS liked to know what was coming every day.
Mon :Spaghetti bolognaise
Tue: Chicken and rice
Wed Pizza and salad
Smile
Been redundant over 5 years and I can still repeat it!

Eyesunderarock · 01/07/2013 08:54

It is frustrating and you must feel like having a scream and a strop and throwing things. But this isn't about them, it's about you.
What needs to change for you to be happier, how can you effect that change? If your partner won't step up and uses sulking and whinging as a displacement for doing an equal share, what's the next step?