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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About popper-inners at my house?

148 replies

MarmaladeTwatkins · 30/06/2013 17:31

Unannounced guests. Drop-ins. Surprise visitors.

I just don't like it, never have, never will. My mum knows this. I don't make exceptions for close friends or family. I appreciate a phonecall to let me know of a planned visit, even if it's an hour before. As long as I know you're coming, that's fine.

So my mother drops in unannounced today. I heard the door knocking but was hanging my wet washing out. I decided to ignore as I was still in PJs and wasn't expecting anyone. Instead of leaving, she hammered on the door, then went down the passage at the side of my house and called over my garden wall. She could see me hanging washing out so I had to go and answer. I went to the front door to let her in and she could tell I was pissed off. She said "Sorry about dropping in unannounced, I know you haite it." I said "I do, but it doesn't seem to bother you!" Then she looked really hurt and said "Oh I'll go then" I'm hardly going to let her go after a 30 minute drive over...

I will accept that I have got PMT so am probably a bit grouchy. AIBU though, to not like unannounced visitors? It seems to be a habit on my mum's side of the fam that just "popping in" without warning is fair game and if it is not appreciated, it is the problem of the visitee.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 30/06/2013 20:22

They had calling cards in Upstairs, Downstairs. I like the sound of them. And snubbing.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/06/2013 20:27

Yes, I like the idea of visitors having to present their card so that I can receive it on a silver salver and decide whether I am 'at home' to them on or not. All I need now is a silver salver and a maid!

DontmindifIdo · 30/06/2013 20:27

CurlyhairedAssassin - firstly, don't worry about offending people who've decided to pop in - you carry on with your plans, say "oh sorry, we're about to go out/come in but we've only got 10 minutes before we are leaving. It's a pity you didn't tell me you were coming over, I'd have rearranged my plans " - after a few times of this, they learn. (MIL learned, she attempted to pop in 5 times on the row when I was first on mat leave with DC1, each time I was out, I kept repeating "oh, I hate staying in alone, I'm normally out if i'm not expecting someone, call me first and i'll make sure I'm in." or "oh, I was only 15 minutes away at the shops, if you'd called me, I'd have been home by the time you arrived." - she then started calling as she hated that she could never get hold of me.)

Also, in 'olden times' a lot of people had at least one staff member, they would meet people at the door and find out who they were and what they wanted, then give the house owner the information and they got to decide if they would make themselves available to the 'popper in'. So nice to have someone to filter for you.

Gemd81 · 30/06/2013 20:32

I agree I hate people turning up out f the blue I find it intrusive and interfering!

LineRunner · 30/06/2013 20:32

My understanding of calling cards - and I admit I may be fantasising here - is that you dropped your own calling card off to a lady and that gave her permission to call on you between set hours (determined by convention) at a future time when you would be 'at home' to callers during the day.

mamachelle · 30/06/2013 20:33

i hate people dropping in! i always ignore the front door if im not expecting anyone, not as easy as it sounds if the 4yr old is in though.
The doorbell says -
'hello, is anybody home?'
to which she replies-
'yes, we are home! . . . MUMMY! someones at the door!'
no dd3, were not in! ugh, such a fail! must get around to disconnecting that bell!

tallulah · 30/06/2013 20:33

My mum popped in a few weeks ago on a Saturday morning and was very surprised to find I was out. She rang me to find out where I was - just pulled off the M4 what do you want? She'd driven for 30 minutes, and arrived early so she'd catch me . DH hadn't locked the door and was asleep on the settee and very surprised to see her there. (Teach him to lock the door).

So this week she appears in my garden as I'm hanging out the washing. It was only later I noticed a new message on the ansaphone at 8.26 am to say she was coming over. We were asleep.

learnasyougo · 30/06/2013 20:34

I'm with you on this. I used to have a (foreign) boyfriend who'd do this and my mum would make sarky comments about whether this was normal in his culture etc etc. except these days it's my mum who does this to me now!

I'd have a weird. Tell her again how much you hate out and you won't answer the door unless you've been given x amount of notice.

passive aggressive options are to not make her a cuppa, or always be on your way out when she shows up. Better to talk about it, though and fine to some sort of agreement together.

poppydoppy · 30/06/2013 20:35

Aww shes your Mum, she should be welcomed anytime day or night.

hardbeingme · 30/06/2013 20:35

no poppers in here either, the mess, me and dcs still in pjs till lunchtime - no one except the postman needs to know this - and hes only allowed cos he stays on the doorstep bearing parcelly gifts.

the only grey area is my mum, her mon-fri visits are usually half expected (not really a popperin i suppose) so shes ok but sat-sun she would ring.

this comes from her helping so much when the twins were tiny and i was on zombie mode prior to that there would be a phone call.

we get loads of cold callers so if someone knocked unexpectedly i would probably ignore it anyway

youarewinning · 30/06/2013 20:36

Does anyone else notice the pooper inners hate being popped into?

YANBU - I also dislike it on a general basis. But friend who have legitemately visited town and pop in on the off chance we are in at 2/3 pm ish for an hour or 2 don't bother me much. It's the ones who turn up earlier than 9am or just before a mealtime having not eaten.

Viviennemary · 30/06/2013 20:36

I sympathise. People can at least tell you they are coming if they know you like to be warned in advance.

StarfishEnterprise · 30/06/2013 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeathByTray · 30/06/2013 20:42

Linerunner I would love to reintroduce the calling card.

I would sit in the parlour and accept visitors at a pre-determined time - and they would have to bring cake or wine (that would be typed on the back of the card).

I would then have a lie down because entertaining is so exhausting.

AlexReidsLonelyBraincell · 30/06/2013 20:43

I'm not over fond of popper-inners, I like to slob around some days in my pjs and hate being made to feel like a slattern for relaxing in my own home. That is partly why I moved two hours away from my own mother, she is the judgiest of them all. :)

But that is by the by, Marmalade has your cuzzee had her baybee yet? Did I miss the big announcement?

MrsOakenshield · 30/06/2013 20:49

I'd love it cos it would mean that I actually lived close enough to anyone who would be likely to pop in, like my mum or sister or best friend. As it is, I never have unannounced guests. Don't even have announced guests that much . . .

LineRunner · 30/06/2013 20:50

DeathByTray, I would shove sherry down my gob.

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 30/06/2013 20:52

No, cuzzii still preggola. She is 5 weeks away and she has been inciting the baby to get out of her early because she getting too fat.

Still, she gonna b a gr8 mummah lol.

OP posts:

DeathByTray · 30/06/2013 20:53

Oh yes, sherry is very civilised.

We'll also need a little bell to ring when the guest becomes tiresome - so somebody will come and remove them.

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 30/06/2013 20:55

I am loving the idea of reintroduction of ye olden dayes visiting etiquettes.

OP posts:

ChewingOnLifesGristle · 30/06/2013 20:57

I too detest popper-inners. Mil is a serial popper-inner. It drives me insane. She swoops in again and again totally regardless of what we might be doing, then mentally ticks me off her 'person I visit when I haven't much to do and I don't give a toss that she has' list..She leads a busy life too, but the where and when of seeing us seems to be at her say so.

The thing is, we're a large family and weekends esp are often execises in running from one thing to another regarding dc's activities (timing being crucial) parties, chores we've tried to shoehorn into a precious couple of hours, so I don't like it all going to rats on someone else's whim. I think she knows how I feel but keeps doing it anyway which annoys me even more.

I always say this though on these threads: Popper-inners and those who detest it will never in a million years understand each other's pov. You either are one or you're not.

DeathByTray · 30/06/2013 21:03

If you like popper-inners then you will also be a popper-outer.

AlexReidsLonelyBraincell · 30/06/2013 21:05

Blardy hell, it's been the longest pregnancy evah! Hope she's been smoking, everyone knows it gives you smaller baybees and easier labour.

I expect and look forward to a big thread announcing the birth (fuck the royal baby, this is the one I'm interested in).
Cannot wait to hear the final name decision. Hope you've bought bubz a baby Dior dodi and matching bockle. Only the best for the ickle princess.

Poor bab.

ChewingOnLifesGristle · 30/06/2013 21:08

I'm considering becoming a 'hide behind the curtain and pretend we're out-er'

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/06/2013 21:11

"We'll also need a little bell to ring when the guest becomes tiresome - so somebody will come and remove them."
Arf!

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