About popper-inners at my house?

[MarmaladeTwatkins]

Unannounced guests. Drop-ins. Surprise visitors.

I just don't like it, never have, never will. My mum knows this. I don't make exceptions for close friends or family. I appreciate a phonecall to let me know of a planned visit, even if it's an hour before. As long as I know you're coming, that's fine.

So my mother drops in unannounced today. I heard the door knocking but was hanging my wet washing out. I decided to ignore as I was still in PJs and wasn't expecting anyone. Instead of leaving, she hammered on the door, then went down the passage at the side of my house and called over my garden wall. She could see me hanging washing out so I had to go and answer. I went to the front door to let her in and she could tell I was pissed off. She said "Sorry about dropping in unannounced, I know you haite it." I said "I do, but it doesn't seem to bother you!" Then she looked really hurt and said "Oh I'll go then" I'm hardly going to let her go after a 30 minute drive over...

I will accept that I have got PMT so am probably a bit grouchy. AIBU though, to not like unannounced visitors? It seems to be a habit on my mum's side of the fam that just "popping in" without warning is fair game and if it is not appreciated, it is the problem of the visitee.

[BarbarianMum]

This isn't about popping in though, is it. It's about getting your mum to take you seriously.



FWIW my mum has great difficulties understanding my boundaries apply to her 'because you're my daughter.'

If anyone has any answers.

[BarbarianMum]

.... then I'd love to hear them!

[AaDB]

I hate popper inners. Hate .

If your mum knows you hate it, why did she do it. Knocking the door off it's hinges and coming around to the back garden to find you is . Given get insistence, I don't understand her tears.

[KirjavaTheCat]

Yanbu. My mum moans to people that she feels like she has to book an appointment to come to my house.

I wish it were so, she constantly arrives without warning, SOMETIMES WITH RANDOM FRIENDS OF HERS, and it gives me rage. Please, book the appointments you love to moan about!

[FryOneFatManic]

cardibach Sun 30-Jun-13 17:48:04
I love it! I doesn't happen much and I wonder whether it is because of the bizarre (to me) attitude of those who think it is rude (rude? WTF? How is it rude to show you like someone and enjoy their company?). I really, really, don't understand why people have an issue with family and friends that they like calling in. It can make a boring day interesting and with luck they will interrupt you and stop you doing some horrible job! (Usual exceptions for those with mental health issues).

It is rude because by you turning up at my house without having let me know, you are implying you are more important than anything I need to get done. And what if I'm just about to go out for any reason?

I don't like popper inners at all. But then, the popper inners I know are those people who breezily turn up and expect you to drop whatever you are doing and get on with entertaining them.

One popper inner once called me an ignorant bitch because I was trying to complete an online job application before the deadline and asked them to get themselves a drink instead of waiting for me to finish. I was upset by this and still feel I hadn't given the application my full attention. (Didn't get an interview for that one.)

If these popper inners I know had been the type to just muck in, get themselves a drink and allow me to do much-needed tasks around them, then perhaps I'd be more willing to accommodate them.

Whether you like or hate popper inners will depend on a) your upbringing (and whether it was something your family did) and b) your experiences of those who are popper inners.

[GameSetAndMatch]

I hate it too, OP. and everyone I know knows it, so I wont feel guilty if they turn up and I dont answer the door.

Unless it was an emergency.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

Poppers-by are bad enough if all they do is knock on the door (though peerers through letter-boxes deserve a poke in the eye!).

Walkers-in are worse. DH built a fence and a gate to stop his parents walking round to the back door to let themselves in.

[aldiwhore]

Where I live now I HATE IT... I live in the countryside, to visit, people have to actively plan, we're not on the to or back from anywhere. I am irrationally adamant that if you have time to PLAN to pop in, then you have time to phone before you do. I'm 15 minutes from my nearest friend and I LOVE her visits, so long as I know about them and have time to check the floor for crumbs/knickers.

When I lived on the main drag into town I LOVED popper inners. It was expected. I could understand the impulse pop. I almost miss those days.

I think it very much depends on where you live, but for me in comes down to the whole process. I certainly wouldn't ever have expected friends to ring ahead when they were 'just passing and stopped to say hello', yet I want an actual drawbridge in this house, one that's up unless you ring ahead and is full of hungry crocs (not the shoe kind).

[aldiwhore]

I'm sorry I have to add, I don't think it's so much the ACT after all, but the demonstration that you don't really give a toss how others feel and are too lazy to find out and respect their quirks.

I am a walker inner for only one friend, she insists on it, I wouldn't dream of doing it with anyone else (unless they insisted on it).

All these bloody 'shares' on FB that say A mate, knocks, a true friend walks right in, they make my blood boil. A true friend takes time to get to know your quirks, respects them, abides by them (to a point) and still loves you.

[AaDB]

Popper inners that bring randoms are the worst.

I work from home. I live my SF very much but I don't want to see her on spec. I really don't want her to bring her mum AND her dsis's DC. The .

Rude rude rude

[IfIonlyhadsomesleep]

Yanbu. When most people have mobile phones there is no need for an unannounced visit. I even text my neighbour if I'm thinking of popping round.

[Sunnysummer]

YANBU. I love it when a friend calls and says they're in the area/ at a loose end/ needing a cup of tea and can they pop in... But I do need the notice (even 10 minutes) and the opportunity to say no.

Like others said, it does otherwise smack of thinking that their arrival trumps absolutely anything else that might be going on. And being so close that you can happily have a messy house / a meal / be in PJs in front of them is not an excuse - I am happy to do all of this in front of my mother, but instead she has some kind of naturally awful timing that means she always turns up when we are mid-fight, mid-dtd, or on the loo. Notice is important!

[DontmindifIdo]

I hate it too! Especially with your mum putting pressure on you to let her in because it's a 30 minute drive (what would she have done if you were out? turned round and driven home after wasting an hour of her time?).

But this is probably why she doesn't call first, because if she calls first, she's giving you the opportunity to say "actually mum, it's not a good time, I've got to do X/I'm about to pop out myself/I've got Y coming over." She's only not calling first, knowing you hate her popping in, knowing it's a long drive so you'll feel pressured to let her in to stop you having the chance to say "no". So next time, when you get to the door, say "Well this is why I tell you to call first, you can't come in, it's a bad time, I'm about to go out." (Of course this means you have to go out, you could be braver and just say "it's a bad time"). It is rude in her case, because she knows you'll feel the pressure to let her in, so she's decided that seeing her is more important than anything else you could be possibly doing on that day.

[DontmindifIdo]

BTW - wasn't there a MNer on one of these 'we hate poppers in' threads who said she had an aunt who always answered the door wearing her coat, if it was someone she wanted to see she said "oh, I've just come in myself, come in." if it was someone she didn't want to see she said "oh, sorry, I haven't got time not, I'm just going out." Seemed a very good plan.

[FryOneFatManic]

DontmindifIdo I invented reasons to be going out when I was getting the rude popper inners I mentioned. They eventually got the hint and now ask if it's okay to come round.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

What makes it worse is when people like my MIL turn up unexpectedly on a Saturday morning and the house hasn't been tidied/cleaned yet and it causes me embarrassment - I tell her this and she says "oh I don't mind a bit of mess!" And I think "But I do, when visitors are in my house!" People should be given enough notice to run round doing a quick tidy/ shoving the pile of dirty dishes in the sink.

Even if you might welcome pop-inners then there will come a time when you will be just on your way out and then you have the difficult decision to carry on with your plans and risk them taking offence at that, or asking them to come in and then you may not end up having time to go out after they've left. It's happened to me - we've just been leaving to take the kids to the park and then someone arrives so you end up staying in the house with the kids running wild and with no time to take them after the visitors have gone. Usually it's not the sort of visitors you can invite to come with you - elderly grandparents or they just aren't dressed for the park (say ithe weather is looking iffy and they haven't brought coats).

I dunno..... I just think there's no need in this day and age with mobiles etc, as someone up thread said. Mind you, even years ago, people used to send messages to their friends making appointments for visits a few days later - popping on just wasn't done. (Might have watched too many period dramas though ha ha!)

[quoteunquote]

People just pop in here, it the normal thing to do, you would be consider very odd if you objected.

but we don't do any standing on ceremony stuff, so people don't expect it., far more relaxing.

[Nancyclancy]

Yanbu. Our house has a wrap around garden and some people come round the back of our house and peer through the windows. Before even knocking!
We've put up a fence because of it and I'm going to put up some net style curtains!

My mil always turns up around tea time and will sit and watch us eat. If I'd known she was coming i could have cooked for her! I hate it!

[ZiaMaria]

I don't mind it, on the understanding that if I am not in the mood for a visit, I will just tell them I am busy (or not answer the door). If people turn up unannounced they should (1) leave if the door is not answered and (2) if the door is answered, not take offence at being told now is not a good time.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

Dont forget CurlyhairedAssassin, in the olden days you would have been able to write to your prospective host asking if they were 'at home', got a reply, written back to confirm the time all in the time it takes to put your coat on.

All was better in the olden days, I know this because I have seen it in Miss Marple.

[MarmaladeTwatkins]

I yearn for the olden days...