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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed

109 replies

Mullinsamy · 29/06/2013 18:12

We have attended a friends wedding today. Not best friends but close enough. The things that have annoyed me so far:

  1. They left my teenage son off the invite, just me, DP and DS2. I thought this was just an oversight but there was no place for him at the sit down meal.
  2. We were put on a table of what I can only describe as the table where nobody knew anyone else, at all. Like outcasts and away from our mutual friends.
  3. No meal was provided for DS2 - he is a toddler and when I queried this, I was told that we were expected to just share ours.

I probably am being over sensitive, but I spent the ceremony outside, looking after their toddler as he wanted to scream through the ceremony. I am now outside again through the speeches.
Hmm

OP posts:
lougle · 29/06/2013 20:19

I can't quite believe that you turned up with your 14 year old Shock

DD2 wasn't invited to a wedding - I heard from another friend that it was a 'no children wedding'. I told the bride that I'd love to attend but as DD2 was exclusively breast fed, a bottle refuser and the wedding was 40 miles from home, I wouldn't be able to. She said that DD2 could come as she was a 'babe in arms' and that it was a 'no children wedding.'

Why couldn't you have checked?

2 year olds don't eat so much that between you and your DH you wouldn't have enough.

YouTheCat · 29/06/2013 20:20

But there were other children there so it wasn't a no children wedding. Sounds bloody odd and rude to exclude one member of your family.

Not all 14 year olds can be trusted to be left on their own for the day anyway and no food for the toddler? Just wrong.

Either have kids there and cater for them or don't so people know where they stand.

IsotopeMe · 29/06/2013 20:27

Wow. How strange!

digerd · 29/06/2013 20:40

YANBU to resent being the baby sitter for their toddler. You had to take him outside as he wanted to scream through the ceremony, and then afterwards during the speeches, so you missed bothShock Angry

WhirlyByrd · 29/06/2013 21:03

If I got an invite where one member of my family had been left off I would think it very odd - all or no children, surely? As for not providing a meal for anyone under 5 it sounds like a recipe for lots of tired, grumpy hungry children!

WhoNickedMyName · 29/06/2013 21:09

They're only friends. You can bet all the other teens at the wedding are family. Perhaps they didn't want to invite the teenage children of all of their friends? Because where would you draw the line? And at 14 they'd have to pay an adult price for that guest.

You are incredibly rude to turn up at a wedding with an uninvited guest and I can't get beyond that really. YABVU.

Feminine · 29/06/2013 21:20

I don't think op was rude to turn up with her son. They were rude to leave him off!

I wouldn't have gone. I'd be a bit different to you (op) in that I'd not put him through the embarrassment of going!

How close are these friends? :)

HandsomeEddy · 29/06/2013 21:22

Do you think they invited your youngest, thinking it would save you having to get a babysitter, therefore making it easier for you to attend?

Also how come you ended up outside with their toddler?

You said yourself they are not your best friends though, so I do think it was a very nice thing for you to do, so their family members and best friends didn't have to miss the ceremony.

Nanny0gg · 29/06/2013 21:29

Why on earth did you take your teenager where he wasn't invited?

Where did he sit?

Nanny0gg · 29/06/2013 21:30

Feminine
So you don't think it was rude to take an uninvited guest to a wedding? (of people you're not that close to)

What if you're elderly dependent parents lived with you? Would you take them along too?

Very, very rude.

HooverFairy · 29/06/2013 21:34

YANBU, this was very rude of the couple - yet another example of where people assume that etiquette isn't required because its THEIR day. I hate weddings for this exact reason, friends think that they can treat their friends badly because it's THEIR wedding.

One thing that seems to be forgotten is the concept of 'guests', they should be treated as guests, ie. politely and with respect. If they didn't want children at their wedding then they should have said so. I would have phoned ahead and checked, if one of mine was invited and not the other then I wouldn't go. Simple as.

It is the couple's responsibility to ensure all guests understand what is going on; if food wasn't provided for children then they should have said so, this would allow parents to make arrangements for their children's meals. If they were on a budget and couldn't afford many guests, then a polite phonecall to say "sorry but we can't afford to have your DS, I hope you understand" would have been a good idea. If you invite someone to your wedding then you view them as friends and should be able to speak to them frankly about what you want.

Otherwise, after the wedding, you have very few friends who have any respect left for you.

IceNoSlice · 29/06/2013 21:42

Can't believe they didn't feed the children! How awful! And they have a toddler of their own. Poor kids Sad

raisah · 29/06/2013 21:44

They were probably happy to take gifts from their friends but not respect them enough to provide meals for everybody & to use the op as a free babysitter. It wouldnt have cost much to provide finger food for the little ones ( cheese, bread rolls etc). Just thoughtless and inhospitable.

Sondosia · 29/06/2013 21:47

I think everyone else has covered the non-invited teenager and the unfed toddler, but YABU regarding the seating plan. They're logistical nightmares and it's impossible to come up with an arrangement that's going to keep everyone happy. You were sat with DP and DS2, so it's not like you were all on your own. Maybe the bride and groom thought you'd get on well with the others on your table. Maybe it was deliberate that nobody on the table knew each other - better than most people knowing each other and a couple of people being left out. And ultimately, you're only sat there for a couple of hours anyway - plenty of time to see your mutual friends before and after the meal.

dontgowadingin · 29/06/2013 21:58

Yanbu... I think some posters are being a bit harsh.

As other children were there, I would have taken my Dd1 too. I really wouldn't class one of my children as uninvited guests and if any of my friends thought they were, I'd not go or leave.

How stingy! I wouldn't take charge of their toddler either! If they couldn't be arsed with mine, I wouldn't be arsed with theirs.

dontgowadingin · 29/06/2013 22:01

Also, I've been to a wedding, where we were away from anybody we knew and it just made the whole afternoon shit as was bored to tears by some ones 140 year old great uncle!

Original poster
Mullinsamy · 29/06/2013 22:13

Well, in the end the seating plan got abandoned (by everyone) and we joined mutual friends, so hooray for that Smile

I know some people think I am being unreasonable, but actually, as I am planning my own wedding, and taking the time to think about everyone's circumstances, I don't think I am.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/06/2013 22:14

If someone isn't specifically invited, then you check with the hosts in case of oversight (although, really, that's rude too) You do not just turn up with them! Where do they sit, for a start? And if the wedding couple hadn't had the decency to provide meals for the invited children (how bizarre) then there certainly wouldn't have been spare meals for random guests that just turned up.
As other children were there, I would have taken my Dd1 too. I really wouldn't class one of my children as uninvited guests and if any of my friends thought they were, I'd not go or leave
Exactly. Don't go!! It's not compulsory!

Nanny0gg · 29/06/2013 22:16

Well Op, best you start planning catering for a few univiteds to turn up! I'm sure you can spare the £60 or so per head that it will cost you!

You still haven't said why you thought it okay to just take your older child, rather than check with the bride and groom first?

Original poster
Mullinsamy · 29/06/2013 22:19

I took DS1 because I honestly thought it was just a typo thing on the invite. I really didn't expect them to exclude one of my children.

OP posts:
Eilidhbelle · 29/06/2013 22:19

If you don't think you're being unreasonable, why did you post in AIBU?

You WERE being unreasonable. It was rude to turn up with your 14 year old without checking.

Original poster
Mullinsamy · 29/06/2013 22:21

I was gauging opinion, and now have made up my mind. Same reason others post here I guess.

OP posts:
Eilidhbelle · 29/06/2013 22:22

You made up your mind awfully quickly, and most people think you're unreasonable.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/06/2013 22:26

But why didn't you check with the bride, Mullinsamy? Don't you see how rude it was to turn up with an uninvited guest, even if it was an oversight?

Anyhow - surely if it was a mistake, the bride and groom would have realised their mistake as soon as they saw him and saw the whole no-seat-and-no-meal-for-him fracas, and would have said something - so maybe he genuinely wasn't invited and you basically gatecrashed her wedding.

Hashtagwhatever · 29/06/2013 22:28

I don't think op did wrong taking her ds.

How fucking odd of them to not invite one child.
Either have kids at the wedding or dont.
And expecting parents to share their meals is kind of embarrassing really.