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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sorry for children whose parents smoke?

187 replies

strawberry34 · 29/06/2013 14:11

I was walking through the park today and saw a couple sitting with their baby, they were both smoking whilst baby was next to them inhaling their fumes. I felt sorry for the child, for years it's been known that smoking is bad for everyone and passive smoking is dangerous.

It's also known that having a parent who is a smoker increases your likelihood of becoming a smoker when you grow up. I know there will be human rights people who object to me judging parents who smoke, but I do feel sorry for their children. Surely quitting smoking is a small price to pay for your children's future health, it's not like health advice on smoking has changed recently, campaigns have gone on for decades warning of the damage, there are no benefits as far as I can see.

OP posts:
LookingForwardToMarch · 30/06/2013 19:20

I just can't get my head around justifying smoking around children by saying 'oh well they could have worse'

There are bad things happening to children all the time but why does that mean smoking shouldn't be seen as that big a problem for the poor mites?

scottishmummy · 30/06/2013 19:22

I don't think children are poor mites.how very sentimental of you

LookingForwardToMarch · 30/06/2013 19:25

Oh ofcourse one must not get sentimental or emotional over children.

How silly of me.

scottishmummy · 30/06/2013 19:50

Yes,indeed it is silly if over-sentimentality clouds or impedes judgement

LookingForwardToMarch · 30/06/2013 20:04

I think you'll find it is your judgement which is clouded. ( I'll resist the bitchy urge to say by smoke)

Just take a look at your logic. One thing is not as bad as another so we shouldn't feel sorry for those affected by it?

scottishmummy · 30/06/2013 20:10

Clouded By smoke? I'm a non smoker I've never smoked.
I don't think bad health choices eg diet/alcohol/smoke necessarily make one a bad parent
Ideally parents shouldn't impose poor health choice on kids,ideally no child would have poor diet,exposure to smoking,alcohol. But pragmatically life sometimes isn't ideal

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/06/2013 20:20

Scottishmummy - you stated it was not neglect, I was asking your opinion. I know my mum's opinion - she saw nothing wrong in carrying on smoking when she knew it made me feel ill, when I had asked her to stop.

I can't ask my father - he dropped dead in 2000 of smoking-related illness.

But that doesn't matter, because I was asking you to examine the evidence of my story, and give me your opinion.

I suspect you don't want to, because there is no way you can argue that what my mother did is exemplary parenting, and you don't want to admit there might be a flaw in your argument.

LookingForwardToMarch · 30/06/2013 20:21

You may not smoke but seemingly are trying to make light of the proven damage it causes by saying there are worse things.
Agreed it isn't ideal for nutrition and other factors to be poor either. Also agree that if the parent chooses to smoke/ overeat etc. then that is their right.
What I don't agree with is allowing these choices to damage their childrens health, that IS bad parenting in my book.
But hey I think we may have to agree to disagree.

amandine07 · 30/06/2013 20:22

SDT
Your post as well illustrates for me for why I feel sorry for children who have to put up with passive smoking at home or in the car or wherever.

Scottishmummy
Yes, there may be other things that are considered worse than smoking parents, but again I would say just read the posts of those who grew up in smoking households...it's clear that they were affected by it and in several different ways.

NiniPoop · 30/06/2013 20:42

YANBU, my parents smoked (still do) and it was disgusting. My brother had asthma and other respiratory problems, us DC, our clothes and our house must have stank.

I feel sorry for DC whose parents smoke because I know what it's like to grow up as a child in a smoking household.

foreverondiet · 30/06/2013 20:57

Yanbu - and can't compare to overweight parents as this doesn't directly affect the child's health - same with breastfeeding - health differences appear to be marginal. But smoking proven to be terrible for children's health. Very selfish.

girliefriend · 30/06/2013 21:00

yanbu but am sure mn will find a way to make you feel like you are Wink

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 30/06/2013 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

scottishmummy · 30/06/2013 21:13

Based solely on limited information that your parents smoked sdt
I can't be expected to make judgement on whether or not they were neglectful
That's your call to make,not mine.i don't think smoking renders one bad parent

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/06/2013 21:23

That is not the only information I gave you. The question I asked was whether my mother was neglectful when she refused to stop smoking in the car, despite my telling her that it made me carsick and gave me a dreadful headache.

And both of them smoked constantly around my sister and I, from birth onwards, so we were constantly exposed to second hand smoke - are you suggesting that was good parenting?

Widening the question - is it ever good parenting for parents to smoke constantly around their children?

scottishmummy · 30/06/2013 21:27

I'm not biting,so try your hyperbole with someone else

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/06/2013 21:40

Frankly I knew you wouldn't answer my questions, because it would involve you backing down from your previously stated position.

I am slightly surprised that you can't answer the question about whether it is good parenting to smoke constantly round children - I threw that one in because it is so piss-easy to answer. Oh - and the answer is No, it is not good parenting to smoke constantly round children, because second hand smoke is bad for them.

Did that sound patronising? Good.

scottishmummy · 30/06/2013 21:44

No,you're simply asking what I cannot confidently answer given your info
You lived it,it's your subjective experience
If you think your parents were neglectful thats your pov

LookingForwardToMarch · 30/06/2013 21:44

I think anyone with a smidge of sense can see that doing anything that causes lasting damage to your children knowingly is bad parenting.

Well I hope so anyway.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/06/2013 21:46

Well, it seems reasonably obvious to me, but scottishmummy is not going to answer my question, because she can't do so without contradicting herself somewhat.

scottishmummy · 30/06/2013 21:53

Yes ideally every child should not exposed to harmful agents
I don't think smoking necessarily make someone bad parent

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/06/2013 21:59

I haven't said it does, scottishmummy. Earlier on in the thread I agreed that someone who smokes but never around the children, in the house or in the car, is not being a bad parent.

But what my parents did was bad parenting. They chose to smoke, my little sister and I had no such choice, from babyhood we were breathing mum and dad's second hand smoke. And my mum cared more about having a cigarette in the car than the fact that it was making me carsick and giving me a headache. I call that bad parenting - do you disagree??

LookingForwardToMarch · 30/06/2013 22:07

Agreed, smoking alone does not a bad parent make.

But when that parent smokes around their kids, knowing damn well it is harming them, then I think you can safely call them a bad parent.

Yes their kids may be well looked after in every other sense, but if they are damaging their health it is still bad parenting.

Twooter · 30/06/2013 22:15

Yanbu

dontgowadingin · 30/06/2013 23:49

Smoking around children IS bad parenting! It is proven to be deadly.