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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sorry for children whose parents smoke?

187 replies

strawberry34 · 29/06/2013 14:11

I was walking through the park today and saw a couple sitting with their baby, they were both smoking whilst baby was next to them inhaling their fumes. I felt sorry for the child, for years it's been known that smoking is bad for everyone and passive smoking is dangerous.

It's also known that having a parent who is a smoker increases your likelihood of becoming a smoker when you grow up. I know there will be human rights people who object to me judging parents who smoke, but I do feel sorry for their children. Surely quitting smoking is a small price to pay for your children's future health, it's not like health advice on smoking has changed recently, campaigns have gone on for decades warning of the damage, there are no benefits as far as I can see.

OP posts:
LastTangoInDevonshire · 29/06/2013 18:04

Let he who is without sin..........and all that jazz !

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/06/2013 18:05

AnnieonAMapleLeaf - you didn't say you smoked round your children - you didn't say either way, hence my question.

What would you say to a parent who refused to stop smoking arou d their child even when that child told them that the smoke was making them feel ill - because that is what my mum did.

As I said a while ago, had I had a parent who, like you, didn't ever smoke around their children, my life would have been much better. But I didn't, and there are still plenty of children whose parents smoke around them, and I reserve the right to feel sorry for those children and to judge those parents.

JuicySausage · 29/06/2013 18:05

Pompeii, I find your sneering a tad narcissistic.

HTH.

LimitedEditionLady · 29/06/2013 18:13

Meh this is getting boring now. Feel sorry for whoever you want,they dont know so it doesn't really make any difference.
Get a sandeich board write some witty message on and follow people around if you really are bothered.

Dawndonna · 29/06/2013 18:14

It wasn't really trying to be a strawman argument though, was it Pompeii, just positing a different theory.

pompeii · 29/06/2013 18:24

Donna, I disagree, responding to a number of points about parental smoking being a negative thing with an argument that boils to "parental obesity is bad, yet you think that is OK" is to attack a viewpoint that nobody expressed and is the essence of a straw man.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 29/06/2013 18:26

I feel sorry for Strawmen around smokers, they don't stand a chance!

pompeii · 29/06/2013 18:26

Thanks sausage, however in my defence being confronted with people who still believe studies that show smoking to be a bad thing to be fake, and someone who cannot respond in a logically coherent manner is rather trying.

BeerTricksPotter · 29/06/2013 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoooneyMara · 29/06/2013 18:35

I can understand why some people smoke. I have my own issues. I'm a bad parent sometimes, in some ways.

But yes I feel sorry for anyone who has no choice but to be around a smoker. Only in the sense that I HATE the smell of cigarettes, I really, really hate it and it makes me feel sick.

I don't think everyonewho smokes is a bad parent though. I have known some fantastic smokers who were parents too. (I say were, he died when he was 46? I think) but he was a brilliant parent while he was alive and I loved him very much.

He was bloody unlucky. His smoking never made me dislike him. I onlly disliked the smoke - if that makes sense and yes, I still feel sorry for children who are stuck around smoke, purely because the smoke is nasty. They might be getting some fantastic parenting though...that's nothing to do with smoking.

LimitedEditionLady · 29/06/2013 18:36

Caterpillar hahaha yes.

MamaChubbyLegs · 29/06/2013 18:44

You have absolutely no right or business feeling sorry for mychild. Not all smokers let their children breathe in fumes. My DP smokes outside, never in the car, and does it out of DS' vision.

You are NBU to feel sorry for children who have to breathe in smoke, but not all smokers are made the same. YABU to feel sorry for my very much loved and adored DS because his dad smokes.

He will grow up learning that smoking is an unhealthy addiction, and will probably have to watch my DP going through hell to give up.

Feel sorry for children who are unloved and abused.

Think your judgy pants might be giving you a bit of a camel toe tbh Hmm

Dawndonna · 29/06/2013 19:12

pompeii You joined today and have come along and slated people. I don't understand your logic?
Oh, and actually it wasn't a strawman argument. At no point did it change or misrepresent the view originally put forward, it just posited another theory alongside.

hels71 · 29/06/2013 20:28

I feel sorry for my friend's children. She smokes (or rather smoked). She thought it was not a problem as she always did it outside away from the children etc. She is now working out how to tell her children aged 10 and 8 that by this time next year they will almost certainly be motherless due to lung cancer.

MamaChubbyLegs · 29/06/2013 20:51

That's a heartbreaking situation hels71 Sad

To be honest, it terrifies me that something awful might happen to my DP, but you know hindsight is a wonderful thing. Don't think he would have started if he knew how difficult it would be to stop.

I think I'm gonna gear myself up for the giving up conversation again soon. I suppose I have more leverage now that we have DS, for precisely the reason you mention.

He's such a wonderful father though. I just hate the thought that there are people out there who look down on him for a bad decision he made when he was a child himself (he wasn't around smoking parents)

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 30/06/2013 03:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriosityCola · 30/06/2013 04:12

I don't understand the mentality on mumsnet that as there are children worse off, we can't/shouldn't feel sorry for those with smoking parents.

My immediate and extended family all smoked when I was younger. My mum smoked through her pregnancy and around myself and siblings despite me having really bad asthma from birth. She has now quit for just over a year. She didn't like (smoking outside when visiting) being the grandparent that smoked. Not sure why she could give up so easily for her grandchild and not me, but very proud she has managed it.

My mum is and has always been an amazing parent, but there is no denying her smoking was incredibly selfish. I think it is right to feel sorry for those children surrounded by smokers.

MyBaby1day · 30/06/2013 04:25

YANBU, I also feel so sorry for them!. I think it's abuse, will never let my DS breathe in peoples poison smoke!.

sashh · 30/06/2013 04:47

I hated having smoking parents - it was a miserable experience.

Ditto

Smelling bad all the time.
Asking for no one to smoke in my bedroom and finding fag ends in my bin.
having my plate of food shoved aside for an ashtray.
having to cover my legs in the car because the window was open and hot ash was flying onto me.

CuriosityCola · 30/06/2013 07:13

sassh I could have written that list. Also used to hate going to school stinking of smoke. My uniform used to stink, especially if it rained.

madhairday · 30/06/2013 10:19

Those who say they're good parents, it's up to them, stop being judgmental, etc - I have no doubt that you're good parents and love your dc very very much. I just have experience from the other side which makes me possibly slightly blinkered on this one. I know what it is to suffer a horrible lung disease with increasing pain, it's miserable, miserable, miserable for me and those around me. Would you want that for your dc? I appreciate those who say they do not smoke around their dc, but you still need to ask yourself if you want that for yourself. Yes, we all die sometime, but surely you'd prefer not to do so in such a horrible way?

90% of COPD sufferers smoked. Go figure.

It's a horrific disease. This is not only about cancer.

Please, please, for the sake of you and your dc, do not do this to yourself.

I am not hoiking my judgy pants at this stage. I am merely trying to communicate the sheer awfulness of what this can do to you. No one should have to live through such horrible disease :(

crashdoll · 30/06/2013 10:27

My mum smoked for most of my childhood. She never smoked in the house or near food or near our clothes or in the car while we were in there. She wasn't selfish with her smoking. She recently gave up after being diagnosed with cancer. She was and still is a wonderful parent. Don't feel sorry for me, we have a lovely relationship and as cliché as it sounds, she is my best friend.

HairyPotter · 30/06/2013 10:44

My parents both smoked. I used to beg them to stop because I was terrified they would die from it. I was always smelly. I was miserable.

The both died when I was 29/30. My dad, days before the birth of his first grandchild and my mum when my dd was 18 months. Both smoking related deaths.

It's not enough not not smoke in front of your children. They learn so much about the dangers of it at school and in the media, they know perfectly well what might happen to you. I can't tell you how many times I lay awake in bed, worrying about them dying.

Yanbu

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/06/2013 11:23

It's fine, AnnieOnAMapleLeaf - it is a very emotive subject, and we had a bit of a miscommunication. Thanks

Pigsmummy · 30/06/2013 11:36

I hated that my parents smoked when I was growing up, I hated holidays because it would mean sitting in a car with them for hours and hours not wanting to breathe in. They did open the windows but it doesn't get rid of the smoke, actually blasts it towards the back. I hated that my clothes smelled of it and I got picked on at school for smelling. I hated kissing my parents hello/goodbye if they had recently smoked.

I hated that we were taught the dangers of smoking in school. i.e. that it kills you and I regularly used cry to my Mum to give up. I would have given up all my toys and any pocket money gladly if she would. (I did offer that aged about 7).

I hated the drive in the middle of the night to the hospital where my Mum was being franticially resuscitated as she had respiratory failure brought on by years of smoking (even though she had given up by then). I hated that my father in law dropped down dead on normal Thursday morning, aged 55 from a heart attack. His death certificate said myopic infarction and smoking.

No child likes that their parent smokes, they will also hate it, maybe not for the same reasons as I did but they will.

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