to wonder why some people have no idea about family finances

[redskyatnight]

Just musing really. Am I alone in finding it very odd where one adult in a couple/family seems to have no idea about their family finances?

This mainly came into my head because a friend and her DH have recently gone bankrupt and she had no idea money was even tight because he looked after all their family finances and she was happy for him to do so as she has no head for figures!

There are other example in RL and on these boards though. So many people seem to have no idea what their partner's earn (even ballpark figure) or how much disposable income they have as a family. (so have no idea what it's reasonable to spend so don't know if there partners are just being mean!).

Of course some partners are controlling but in the majority of cases I've seen personally, they are happy to share the information but the other partner is not interested.

I manage our family finances because I am anal and like spreadsheets DH is happy for me to do this. But we discuss them freely and both have a clear idea about what we can afford, what we can't, how much we are saving etc.

In answer to JessJess - I do sometimes think the DH could come a bit unstuck if I could no longer take care of it, but to be honest it takes care of itself now, all bills are on direct debits, money is moved by regular standing orders, all insurances will auto-renew if I don't intervene. So he wouldn't have immediate problems. We also both have savings of our own that we could use in an emergency.

Crowler
As I mentioned in my earlier post I do not know my DHs salary. This does not make me a archetype clueless housewife. What a strange and patronising assumption. Our finances are complicated and my DH is very competent at dealing with. We have never had any problems or disagreements regarding money and we both trust each other to make sensible decisions. This arrangement works well for us.

I have bought houses in the past without my DH having seen or 'approved' them, I am hardly a downtrodden little wifey.

I think that if you have a joint account then you have a(spoken or unspoken) agreement that any purchases over a particular value will be checked with the other person. The value presumably depending on your level of affluence.

Although Petey's phrases made me shudder I think that that is all they are doing - it is just that they (she) are very frugal and so the bar is set very low.

But you must have a line somewhere or one of you could wonder in the door one day and say "hi honey- I've bought us a house" - which for most marriages (although not married or icant's) is not really acceptable.

In our house dh is in charge of paying all the bills (you need someone to do it all we found after we accidentally both paid the same water bill!) but I am more in charge of our long term financial planning.

We both know the basics like how much we each earn, how much our mortgage is, how much we have in savings etc.

ExH did it all. He had a blindingly complex system of "pots" in the joint account. He seemed to enjoy it so I left him to it. Now I do my own money, I find it difficult but it's part of being a grown up.

Both DH and I are rubbish at finances, we do our best but certainly could get more out of our income if at least one of us was a little more savvy.

We're both very creative people, very similar, and if you show me a piece of paper with numbers on it all I see is A SCRAMBLE.

And yet, I am organised, I do some part time administrative work which is quite busy and complex, and I'm good at it, so WHY do I not understand credit cards (reason why we don't have them), why can I not work out a monthly minimum budget (apart from my part time job, we're both self employed and it's very much feast or famine, which makes planning a nightmare).

I force myself to look at bits of paper and bank things at least once a quarter, but have no idea how to organise it so that it's a slick operation.

I'm not making excuses OP and YANBU, but I find it difficult, like REALLY difficult, harder than my MA dissertation! It feels like I have the right skills set but a mental block.

Saying that, when we had a very bad year, we managed, I know a few people who would have gone under had their joint income been so dire that year... I am sick of being good at surviving and would love to have a tighter hold on the financial reigns, on that count I am better than DH, his instinct is to do "The Ostrich". infuriating

I know next month should be a good one as DH has had loads of work this month, but what if the one after is awful? How do you plan?

We have a fantastic emotional relationship that I'm proud of, but we both admit that we were sort of hoping at least one of us would be fantastic with money.

I handle our finances - my husband hands over his entire pay cheque to me at the end of the month. It isn't that he isn't interested...he is. But he is rubbish with money and I'm pretty savvy, so it works out well. I keep him in the loop with all our spends though. He is lovely in that he wouldn't bat an eyelid if I spent a portion of his earnings on just myself every month - in fact he would encourage me to spend more!!! (I don't).

I don't want people to get the wrong idea about my house buying. I do discuss it with my DH, I don't suddenly spring it on him over dinner.

He trusts my judgement and is happy to leave it to me.

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I wouldn't be able to sleep if i didn't know how much we both earn or how much our mortgage is. Sadly i can tell you how much electricity we paid this month and how many toilet rolls we used. I am a bit jelous of people who can relax so much and can sleep when they dont know how much their mortgage is. I find it very difficult to give over total control.
I wonder if couples who do that are ones who married early? Is there a connection with age and having lived many years unmarried before?

I think it depends on what you earn also. We are expecting our first child in August and have been struggling near the end of the month for no apparent reason. I decided this was no longer acceptable because we would soon become responsible for another life. When looking through old statements to see where this money has vanished I was shocked as too how much it added up. I worked out what we were paying out and we should have more than enough to live off and treat ourselves occasionally. Stupid little things do add up though. We have a tin which keeps lots of spare money pounds and odd notes which DP uses for travel to work and this had dwindled due to taking extra and getting drink and paper or something. Which would be ok if we both knew but it can up to 20 missing which I just assume we have and he doesn't think to mention. So this month we started fresh all money worked out and trying to be completely honest to as to everything we spend to see where money goes eg takeaways meals out, other treat, extra diesel etc. and it's crazy how much money we have left. So when on a tight budget I think some asking does have to be done on both sides however where our birthdays are involved we would just go off and spend a reasonable amount what we know we can afford or save some from previous month etc works for us and I do not feel belittled or anything checking if its ok for my to go do xyz because it would mean spending this much...

P.s not sure if it makes a difference but this is our first place together private rented and I want to get some money behind us incase anything happens to our little family. I'm 21 and DP just turned 22 so extra spendings tend to be immature things like sweets and cans of pop which sure add up I don't think we will be in same position in 20 years or hope not

My DH doesn't know how much he earns, let alone how much I earn!

Really. He leaves it to me to sort out the finances. Which is good with me he does all the cooking

Laquitar I don't think so. Myself and DH are pretty relaxed...well, HE is, and we only met five years ago and married last year. I think though with us, he is a LOT younger than me (in his twenties whereas I hit forty next month) and so we have kind of fallen into roles - I am the mature (HAH!) one who takes care of the money, and he is the energetic young one who loves his job is great at it and brings home a decent enough crust.

I think it just has to do with the two personalities that make up the couple.

Are you boasting Split?

Young, energetic and brings in good money too, It sounds great, enjoy it!!!

My husband would never reveal what he earned which is one of the reasons we split up. In the years since, I have raised our children, got and paid off a mortgage all without any support from my ex. If a man doesn't want to let his wife know what he earns is there any way she can make him?

laquitar We married very young but both know about our finances. We are both into numbers though - so may not be typical.

icant - so is your dh the extreme version of a man that hates shopping?

When DH and I got married I worked in a bank and was very good with money, he was on a low wage and just used to spend it all as he was paid in cash. We have now been married 41 years, never been behind on the mortgage, we now own our house, have no loans or debt and he is retiring 3 years early and all on a low wage. I have been a carer for the last 24 years looking after our disabled son, we also have a daughter. My DH has never understood finances and the last time he went into a bank when the cashier gave him a balance slip he said this belongs to someone else as he didn't know we had that much money, I never tell him our savings as he would want to spend it on a new car. He always says I have never starved or not had a nice home or car so I must be doing something right so he leaves it to me.

DH doesn't really have much of a clue about our family finances. It only came to light a couple of months ago that he thought I was earning 4K less than I was - dammit, I could have been spending that cash on shoes

He has a pension coming in that he uses day to day. My wage pays for everything else. He'll take a minor interest in the big bills, like when the car insurance is due he will comment "is that cheaper than last year" or something like that.

We have a savings account and every couple of months ill tell him what is in it, not that he asks, just so he knows that we are doing OK. If he wants to buy something unusual he will ask "Can I afford a new squash racquet this month?", but otherwise he is happy to muddle on with me reigning us in if needed.

He's not downtrodden or abused. He just trusts me to do what's best for all of us.

I organise our finances. We have a joint account but money's so tight at the mo that we're on a cash envelope system so once the bills have been paid we take out what's left and then once it's gone, it's gone. It means we're both very aware of not spending on crap so we do both tend to let the other one know if we're going to need any of the spending money and what it's going on. Since September we've had £200 'fun money' a month between us so we need to keep an eye in it, otherwise if one of us spent £40 without telling the other we might run out really early.

We also use the Pocketmoney app to record everything; it's great.

I have everything on MS Money rather than spreadsheets although I believe Excel has some pretty good templates now.
I do the majority of the money management simply because most of the bills are in my name from when I had the flat by myself and because I remember to do the book keeping. DH was pretty rubbish at money management but has improved over time. He can see how much is in the accounts any time he wants, there are no hidden accounts. As someone upthread says, it's all about communication and trust. As we have this, this system works for us.

One thing I do know - I know how much money I had in my current account a close of business on Friday. I know I spent a balance of £5.76 yesterday - depending what I spend today (if anything) I know what my balance will be on Tuesday morning. I know the days direct debits go out, etc.. I check my balance every day and always have. If it's out I check with the bank straightaway - and have done before the bank has noticed my account has been defrauded. Be aware - once my cheque book was stolen at the sorting office and once I bought something on the internet from a supplier I didn't know using my debit card.

I am one of those people who has no idea how much their DH earns. A few people on here were rather surprised and disapproving when i mentioned it.

We are fortunate that DH does earn good money, though i have no idea how much that really is, so we don't have to budget for things. If we did have to budget then i guess i would know his salary. But that is the other thing, he doesn't just earn a salary, it is more complex than that thus perhaps why i don't know all the details. I am happy not knowing, i think that the truth would scare me.

All the direct debits are set up on the computer so I also know when things come out and projected balance befor any cash is withdrawn. I also had bank issues years ago when inexplicably somebody else's student loan was paid from my account so I check the balance daily. The bank had no idea how it had happened especially as I'd never had a student loan. I also check the credit card balance online a couple of times a week.

I spent my first marriage like that, I didn't want to know. Took me years to figure out he had a raging gambling addiction and had borrowed thousands of pounds. It was only when my mum started getting suspicious and I went snooping that I found out. I spent years thinking we were skint because I was spending too much like he used to try to gaslight me into thinking. When I left him I needed a lot of help working out how to manage money.

I was only 18 when we married, so I blame a lot on immaturity.

Now? I can't imagine now knowing exactly what goes in and out and when. The thought of not knowing gives me a panic attack.

The way in which dh and I both earn our money is complex but we know how much comes into our individual accounts each month. We share the management of the joint account. Each of us has keen phases where we manage it. Our financial arrangements are complex but dh keeps it all on a spreadsheet. I admit to eyes glazing over when he tells me about it, which he gets irritated about!

I have been married to dg for 10 years in October and we still have separate accounts. He pays mortgage/insurances/ct/tv/gas and electric and his own car expenses and I pay all food,water, anything for kids, holidays, christmas, birthdays and my car expenses. We both have loans which are our own responsibility and anything major that needs paying for (just had new boiler) we split the cost 50/50! We don't argue over money. We don't have to ask each other permission for things. It works well for us.