to wonder why some people have no idea about family finances

[redskyatnight]

Just musing really. Am I alone in finding it very odd where one adult in a couple/family seems to have no idea about their family finances?

This mainly came into my head because a friend and her DH have recently gone bankrupt and she had no idea money was even tight because he looked after all their family finances and she was happy for him to do so as she has no head for figures!

There are other example in RL and on these boards though. So many people seem to have no idea what their partner's earn (even ballpark figure) or how much disposable income they have as a family. (so have no idea what it's reasonable to spend so don't know if there partners are just being mean!).

Of course some partners are controlling but in the majority of cases I've seen personally, they are happy to share the information but the other partner is not interested.

I manage our family finances because I am anal and like spreadsheets DH is happy for me to do this. But we discuss them freely and both have a clear idea about what we can afford, what we can't, how much we are saving etc.

I don't really understand what 'managing finances' entails. We both put a chunk of our earnings into our joint account, a chunk into our pensions. I buy all the food and save a chunk towards our holiday. Beyond that we don't really do any managing.

I manage ours by meticulously planning every single penny that leaves the account. I am always trying to undercut things and find it cheaper. If I didnt do this you could no way live a life like ours on such a low wage with a mortgage in the South. I wasnt always this good, its took me a long time and dh knows this.

PrettyKittyI have no idea what my DH earns (and vice versa). It is not that he wouldn't tell me - I have just never asked.

Perhaps DH and I are just lucky and have similar tastes and aren't desperate about having things like brand new cars, etc. We would rather drive a ten year old car than penny pinch over food. DH would never spend more than was available and neither would I. I shall never forget the mum from school who had her card declined in Waitrose not least because it was embarrassing as I was behind her. The mum who drove the Range Rover, who had a different outfit every day, whose dc only wore very expensive non uniform bits, who was always off for a treatment of some sort. Said it all really.

DP earns. I dont right now. But all the money goes into my account and I deal with the bills.

I try to tell him, but he doesnt care. He asks if he can buy this or that and like a PP I say yes or no. We have saved this way, had nice things etc etc.

If I really make him he will listen, but he trusts me so he just sees it as taken care of. He works and does loads with the kids and lots of cleaning so its really just another "job" that I happen to do.

Brand new car? Err it cost 3500k and we are trying to mainly save up so we can have 4 children. I only wear primarni and my friends cast offs.

I'm probably one of these but as I moved into DH's house and he was already running it perfectly well by himself I don't really get involved with the bills as there has never been any need for me to. There is money in the bank when I need it for anything and my small personal bills, phone, savings etc are always paid for so I can't fault the situation.

If we were in a bind then I would probably get more involved and we would discuss it together as we did when paying for our wedding but day to day,it's not something I really think about. Then again, DH doesn't consciously "manage" money either, he gets paid into the account and the direct debits go out. We know roughly how much we spend on food shopping and neither of us spend too crazily unless something special is happening.

For our first 10 years together we didn't pay any attention to money and ended up massively in debt. Growing up I was always utterly forbidden to discuss money so it took me ages to cop that we actually had to, and that it's not a bad thing

I keep track of our finances now with a spreadsheet because I'm completely anal. DH is atrocious with money so doesn't really have a clue about it but he does look after paying the bills and arranging the car tax and insurance. These days I generally have the last word on what we can and can't afford and things have improved immensely.

Peteypiranha - well done to you!

We were the same crazycatlady we met at 18 and had decent paying jobs and we both actee crazy. This system came about as dh was addicted to buying records and thought its only a fiver etc, but it all added up. I used to waste money on crap too. I love it much better now and realised I dont need any of the stuff I was buying, and most is down the charity shop. Our overall life has improved so much, and we are both a lot happier and worry free.

Well I don't know how much DH earns overall because he has overtime and is oncall, but that's very hit and miss. I know his basic salary, but income can vary massively. It's his account, but I know that 75% of what he gets after tax and pension etc goes into the bills account. I have my own account (student grant) and I pay a bit into the bills and I pay the childcare. TBH I'm quite happy for him to take charge on the finance front because I don't know all the words (in a forrin country), don't understand all the different ways of doing things, but we discuss things like insurance and big purchases.

Dh asks if he is allowed to take money out and how much, and I say yes or no.

(shudders)

I'm glad it's working for you, but it sounds like hell to me. To each their own.

Completely separate finances here. That probably seems odd to most, but we don't have kids and we couldn't live together for a whil after we married, and then we just didn't change anything when we did move in. I asked how much it would cost in terms of additional expenses, and I just pay what she says it costs, which is still a bargain compared to what I used to spend when I was living alone.

We both save as much as we can, so I know that if DW buys something, she can more than afford it, and vice versa.

I don't know exactly how much she earns, but I have a good idea. She knows exactly how much I save each month, as it goes into her account, but not how much I actually earn.

Works for us.

My DH bought a house at the turn of the year - currently renovating it. I did get to OK it but not before he made the offer. If I'd said no way he would have withdrawn.

Dh does all our bills and I only know really what the total cost of the mortgage plus utilities is as a total figure. I know how much he puts towards that figure and how much I do.

We both have an idea of how much we spend on food as he goes to the supermarket weekly for fresh stuff as he likes cooking and I do an online shop about fortnightly for all the rest.

Our 'spends' are separate so neither of us has to bother keeping track of the other's spending.. we know how much we each have to spend or to save up for luxuries each month and watch our own.

Oh and I know what Dh's salary is but he wouldn't really have a clue about my income as i'm self employed and it varies. I tell him at the end of the year how much i've made and he'd have a sense if i am very busy or not with work but he doesn't pay attention to my income (i keep a 'float' in my account to cover DDs in the bad months).

YANBU. I always wonder what would happen to these couples if the person who does the finances is ill and they have to sort stuff at short notice.

I must admit, I do it all in our house. Dh is just not well enough to cope with it. He trusts me. I do give him an amount each month, and we buy books etc out of the joint money. He can't sit for long enough to put each bit where it needs to be and he can't walk long enough to do a shop. Perhaps when he is better (only been three years!) things will change again.

petey, your set up is exactly the same as mine, even down to dp asking how much he can take out. It works well for us. I have tried to get dp more involved in the financial workings but it he wasnt interested so i gave up.

Any system is fine if both partners genuinely are happy with it.

I do think there would be shock if a woman in the position of Petey's husband posted on here that she was in such a situation. It would be mostly well-meaning concern in case the relationship went pear-shaped, but also disbelief that a woman would actually be happy with it. Likely, the assumption would be that the husband had gaslit her into it.

I always wonder what would happen to these couples if the person who does the finances is ill and they have to sort stuff at short notice.

I say this to DP all the time. He still doesnt really get it. But I have a notebook where I write everything. Its got a page at the front with a list of bills and dates they come out or intervals eg 4 weekly. Plus income details etc. I hope he would be able to use it should he have to.

I have nothing to do with our money and I haven't a clue how much my DH earns. He tells me from time to time but I don't pay much attention.
In thirty years we have, literally, never had a disagreement about money. Unless it was a very big purchase I would not consult him unless I wanted his opinion.
I probably should pay more attention but he does such a good job I leave him to it.
I deal with DIY, cars, schools and household things. We don't have much overlap in our responsibilities but it works well for us.

Badlad - Surely its only bad if the person doesnt get everything they want? Witholding money for no reason is dofferent from being the one that allocates it. Trust me dh doesnt go without he has significantly more than me cause he has expensive hobbies.

Unless you run your finances separately I have no idea how you can not know what your partner earns. We both know each others earnings, what we save, what we spend, etc. There's no mega analysis either, we just know X amount comes in, bills and savings are Y and we have Z left over.

I don't understand not knowing what's going on with the family finances. Some people wear the mantle proudly, being the archetype clueless wife.

God marriedinwhite does it get tiring being so smug? Maybe this woman's card was declined for reasons other than insufficient funds.

Petey, there's nothing bad about it or any system if both partners are happy with it.

I suppose it makes me shudder because it's a level of handing control to the other person that I just don't understand.

But DW and I are both savers,both working and have no kids and few expenses, so maybe it is just far removed from my life.

I admire anyone who saves and gives themselves a good life, so I very much admire what you and your partner have acquired. But the thought of having to ask my partner if I can spend ten pounds is just something I can't imagine.

Like contact lenses - I can't imagine having something up against my eye, but it works for some people.