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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel completely gutted?

37 replies

Bambi27 · 28/06/2013 23:49

I have been friends with someone since primary school we lost touch for a few years over a silly argument but reconnected after a few years when we had children. From then we remained friends for a few years (very close friends would see each other at least once a week) I even made her my child's godmother. Then she became pregnant with her second child and became very distant and now we don't see each. I tried to text and ask why she was ignoring me and she just brushed it off but still made no effort to see me. Impartial friends and my husband feel I'm better off without her and feel me 'stupid' if I tried to make contact again as its only been me for months but I literally feel like I have 'split' up with someone, I miss her and her son so much and am missing out on her new child. Just feel gutted....sorry just venting really!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:40

Perhaps but was just trying to be helpful...as I say we were b close so would have previously been there to help with anything so was just trying to say I'd do it again...obviously wasn't what she wanted to hear, i don't know just need to move on obviously!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 29/06/2013 00:45

I have a friend where it was very apparent that she wasn't able to take kindly to the balance of power we both had (as she saw it) changing.

I was always the skint one who didn't have any stability, whereas she was always the working responsible adult.

How she saw things was really marked if any of that made her feel at a (perceived) disadvantage, and she thought I would think the same way as her, even though they're not things I'd give a monkeys about.

Being unequal must affect your friendship, you might not mind about any of it, but she sounds like she does.

She can probably help it as much as you can help your change in circumstances, once something rankles, it's hard to ignore it.

You have to accept she has a say in whether or not she sees you, and try not to take it personally. Although would you want to spend time with her knowing what you do now? That she thinks money/lifestyle means more to her than what you had?

Fuck that.

Casmama · 29/06/2013 00:46

I'm not totally convinced that you do. It would appear tat the difference I your financial situations makes her sad/ uncomfortable so if you could find a way to get past it then maybeyou could stay friends. I suppose it depends how important money/status is to you both. It can't be easy and I genuinely am not unsympathetic.

Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:51

Agent zigzag I know in essence you're completely right, I don't want to be friends with someone I have to hide any financial successes from, it's silly as I genuinely never talk about it (this post makes it looks bad as I had to explain) I have friends from all different walks of life and we all are happy for each other for all our different successes and help each other through our bad times. I am sad we're not friends but like you said don't think it's worth fighting for someone who doesn't want to be friends with me just sad about it I suppose! Hmm

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 29/06/2013 01:07

You've both changed, but in different ways.

She maybe feels she's in the same financial situation she was when younger, and seeing you emphasises that she's not as far on as she'd like to be.

You have changed financially, but are still the same in your head when you reference what you (thought you) had as friends.

If your life depended on it, which would you say, out of the two of you, was the most needy in the friendship?

Lj8893 · 29/06/2013 06:23

If she is already feeling quite down about her financial situation then there's every possibility she felt that you were rubbing her nose in it with your comment about your husband doubling his income. If she then started to become a little bitter she easily could have felt the same with the new house and new car.

I'm not suggesting you were rubbing her nose in in by any means, just saying how easy it could be for her to see It this way.

WillowKnicks · 29/06/2013 07:09

I understand the feeling but in the long run I think it will be easier for you that you do know why. & to be able to have closure & move on. At the moment you are feeling a kind of grief for your lost friendship but it will pass eventually

I think you did nothing wrong & a true friend might feel envious of your lifestyle but not jealous & bitter! Maybe if your husband lost his business she'd want to be your friend again...that's not what you want from a friendship!

WillowKnicks · 29/06/2013 07:13

I understand the feeling but in the long run I think it will be easier for you that you do know why. & to be able to have closure & move on. At the moment you are feeling a kind of grief for your lost friendship but it will pass eventually

I think you did nothing wrong & a true friend might feel envious of your lifestyle but not jealous & bitter! Maybe if your husband lost his business she'd want to be your friend again...that's not what you want from a friendship!

birdmomma · 29/06/2013 07:36

I think if a friend's a really good friend, then you should be able to talk about anything with them, without having to keep certain things quiet. There shouldn't be jealousy or ill feeling if you know and trust each other. At worst, a real friend might tease you or say they wish they had your luck, but good friends shouldn't really harbour resentment and quietly seethe. You shouldn't have to watch what you say around good friends. Chippy friends piss me off, and in the long run you might be better off without her.

MrsMelons · 29/06/2013 08:01

I don't think you did anything wrong, you should be able to share anything with close friends and they should be pleased for you. It is normal to maybe envy someones situation etc but doesn't make you not pleased for them.

I don't think she is much of a friend if she has let this ruin your friendship.

Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 09:19

Thanks for the replies ladies! You have made me feel better :) was definitely starting to really question myself but as many of you pointed out we should be able to share success with our close friends! Onwards and upwards I suppose!!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/06/2013 10:05

Of course you can share success. So fine to mention DH promotion. Less tactful to mention the doubling of the salary.
You can do nothing about the house you live in, and that she just has to accept - we live where we live and that is no-one else's business.

But keep quiet about salaries. That should be private information.

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