Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To either not to go the party or expect adults not to smoke around my toddler

135 replies

Lulututu · 28/06/2013 15:16

I haven't been on in a while but I am hoping I can have some opinions as to whether I am expecting too much or been abit precious...

So my mum is hosting a baby shower for my sil....apparently it's going to be nice weather Sunday it may be held in the garden. Most of my family smoke as do sil's family and friends and I am quite fussy about smoking around my toddler. There's the obvious don't make around her indoors....but when its outdoors my mum thinks I am been fussy expecting people not to smoke around her 'as it evaporates after 10 seconds'.

So my mum has stated that she wants sil family to feel welcome so they will be allowed to smoke wherever they want outside in the small garden. I don't want my toddler running in and out of people's smoke and I can't expect her to sit still for 2-3 hours or sit indoors when all the action is outdoors so I am thinking about not taking her? Tbh I am so annoyed my mum is not bothered about my daughters health I am considering not going myself....

I asked my mum is she would have her guests smoke at the side of the house or similar in a designated smoking area...that way I don't have to worry about my toddler breathing in the smoke as i would make sure she didn't go play over there but this idea was laughed at as apparently I can't expect my lo to live in a bubble.

I just find it really awful that people would even want to smoke sat near a toddler anyway...no she isn't newborn but she still has developing lungs and its gives me a headache sat near passive smoke so I don't want her exposed to it even if it is outside. Of course I can't keep my child in a bubble but I just think family, especially GP's should be abit more understanding about me not wanting a family party to have smoking around children.

So AIBU to not take my little girl with me as even though its a 'family/child friendly' party I don't see nowt it is if everyone is puffing away around her and my mum won't consider a 'smoking area'. When I told my mum I was considering not taking my daughter she said 'well what do u think is more important, X mixing with her family or you been fussy about abit of smoke' my answer to that was that 'if my family are so bothered about seeing my daughter they will hold off on the ciggies or smoke away from her while she is at the party'

I am not anti-smoking...most of my friends smoke...they just know not to do it near children.

Opinions much appreciated as no matter how I try and explain the dangers of passive smoking in children to my mum she thinks I am ridiculous as long as its not blown in her face!

Thanks :-)

OP posts:
TheRealFellatio · 29/06/2013 04:11

The thing is, it's not just about the effects of the smoke, it's about having your child witnessing so many people smoking on one place - it normalises it, and it helps to reinforce conflicting messages.

As a lifelong non-smoker I'd say YANBU, but anyone who is a smoker is going to disagree with me and think that you are being a bit of a controlling, slightly hysterical loon. Plus it is your mum's house - you cannot lay down the law about how she chooses to entertain her guests.

You have three choices:

Don't go.

Go, and just suck it up (literally!)

G,o but don't take your daughter.

TheRealFellatio · 29/06/2013 04:11

Haha, great minds and crossed posts Calamity!

WillYouDoTheFandango · 29/06/2013 04:22

I wouldn't take mine, PFB or not.

The OP has offered 2 compromises, either make a smoking area or she'll not take her DC. I don't think SIBU at all. I recently went to a similar party in the back garden of a terrace; smokers went out the front of the house and no one complained.

FirstStopCafe · 29/06/2013 05:01

YANBU
I wouldn't want to take her either

Minty82 · 29/06/2013 05:51

Ugh, I can't believe it would occur to anyone to smoke at a baby shower, around a pregnant woman!! Let alone with a toddler there. I'd be livid. YANBU.

Eastpoint · 29/06/2013 06:13

YANBU

Why don't you suggest your DP takes your child to a playground & for an ice cream? Sounds like the perfect opportunity for them to do something together.

I wouldn't want to go to a party full of smokers, let alone with my children. I can only think of 3 people I know who still smoke, everyone else gave up when they were about 30.

Littleturkish · 29/06/2013 06:52

YANBU and I hate seeing people smoke over children. So disgusting. If it makes me feel sick it must be worse for little lungs.

formicadinosaur · 29/06/2013 07:11

Is its a small garden with non stop smokers, I wouldn't go. If its a large garden where you can excape then you culd be fine. Maybe decline mothers invite?

SilkySocksSinkShips · 29/06/2013 07:28

Why do people think smokers are going to come wading in with talks of their rights? I'm a smoker and I move away from any area when having a smoke. Common courtesy no? My family love big garden events, a few relatives smoke, some don't. Those that do have always respected my request that they don't do it around my son. Just like I never do. And they respect that. I don't see how OP's family can't do the same.

GlaikitFizzog · 29/06/2013 07:32

Forecast for Sunday here is wetter tHan a ducks arse, so with a bit of luck, the party will be indoors and the smokers will have to go outside and she can play indoors. Problem solved! Only if your mum doesn't let them smoke inside.

In your shoes I wouldn't take her and the. Tell everyone why if they ask. I can't believe that every person who smokes there thinks there is no harm in passive smoking, even if outside. All the smokers (not many) I know are at least considerate. And when ds was born my friend didn't smoke the whole day she came to visit us. She has now stopped.

Weemee · 29/06/2013 08:19

YADNBU!! Smoking is harmful!!!! When dd1 was born I refused to take her to my parents because DM smoked. Caused a stramash but so what? As her mother it's my job to protect her from stuff that is harmful. Having grown up in a smoking household and having asthma I wasn't about to expose my child to that. Both of my parents have had cancer (and are both well now) but that's what it took for them to stop! At the end of the day it sucks to upset people but you have to do what is right for you and dd. And I wouldn't really want her in the garden when there's loads of smokers either- I cant even walk behind someone smoking them smell just makes me feel ill.

attheendoftheday · 29/06/2013 08:32

YANBU. I wouldn't take my dds somewhere I couldn't avoid people smoking around them.

attheendoftheday · 29/06/2013 08:35

Weemee, it has made me happy this morning that there are still people using the word 'stramash'. Thank you!

Hawkmoon269 · 29/06/2013 08:46

Yanbu. At all. For all the reasons listed above. To be honest, I wouldn't go to a party in a small garden with lots if smokers. (Big garden, not so bad). Revolting.

Lazyjaney · 29/06/2013 08:47

This event is about your SILs baby shower, not your toddler. Fit in, don't go, leave your toddler at home - whatever - but it's someone else's day.

Weemee · 29/06/2013 08:58

Glad to be of service Grin

MrsMook · 29/06/2013 09:54

Baby shower- let's celebrate the approach of motherhood by blowing lots of smoke around the heavily pregnant mum-to-be. Lovely!

YANBU, sounds perfectly sensible to keep DD away.
I'm the only one in my family who has never smoked. Those who still smoke will avoid children, and don't smoke heavily so there is plenty of time when there isn't fresh smoke wafting around. I wouldn't want to take my young children to a gathering with a lot of smoke constantly- indoors or out.

What's SiL's stance on all the smoking? One day, she may appreciate you making a stand.

Bowlersarm · 29/06/2013 10:07

I am a non smoker but think you are being unreasonable about this.

You will be causing a massive upset to your immediate family, it sounds like, by not taking your DD, to an outside party where smoke will instantly disappear. I don't think it can be as simple as this, you are looking for a reason not to go.

CaptainUndercrackers · 29/06/2013 10:21

Don't go. There is nothing that normalises smoking like seeing your relatives doing it. And smoking around children is just not on in this day and age. (I am an ex smoker and my mum died of emphysema so I am slightly militant biased when it comes to taking an anti smoking stance around kids.)

Bowlersarm · 29/06/2013 10:31

CaptainUndercrackers so OP's DD should never see her relatives because they smoke?

The trouble is, the OP is taking advice from a load of strangers on an Internet forum who don't have to live with the fallout and hurt it will cause her DM and family. Their relationship may never recover, and I think that's a huge consequence to putting up with a few hours of smoke disappearing above a toddlers head.

I need to leave the thread, it is making me very Sad

HeySoulSister · 29/06/2013 10:38

It not actually illegal to smoke tho.... So how is it 'not on in this day and age' ?

insancerre · 29/06/2013 10:45

I am very anti-smoking, have never smoked and never will.
I still think you are being very PFB though.
If you don't want your dd to be exposed to other people's smoke then don't take her.
You really can't expect everyone else to be dictated to by you when it's not even your house garden or party.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 29/06/2013 10:45

I hope that alcohol isn't being drunk around toddlers in this day and age [DM sadface]

claraschu · 29/06/2013 10:48

I hate smoking, but you are being silly. Your toddler will be fine. I agree with fromparis-

Blessyou · 29/06/2013 11:01

YANBU
I would feel exactly the same, and not take her and probably only stay a short time myself.
I don't get the it's OUTSIDE comments...if I can smell it, which I can, it stinks, then I am breathing in the particles, which are toxic. I wouldn't be too happy about living near a factory pumping out toxic fumes that I could smell outside either.

Swipe left for the next trending thread