to not want neice to stay at ours

[ReflectingKites]

NC because this may identify me and I don't want RL people to read my previous posts.

Right, my neice is at some kind of summer school/camp thing in Leeds Monday to Friday next week. Her mum (DSISIL) is driving her up on Monday morning. She's due to pick her up on Friday but DSISIL is now saying that this will mean she has to take Friday off work and she can't do that (for some reason about not having enough hours and needing to take it as unpaid leave).

So, she suggested that we (that's me and DP, no kids) pick up my our neice on Friday, have her at ours on Friday night and then DSISIL will pick her up on Saturday afternoon.

So you know, we live about 30 miles from Leeds, we don't drive and we don't have children of our own. Neice is 7 years old.

I really don't want this to happen because a) I actually don't like my neice very much, b) I have no idea how to entertain a 7 yo child, and c) I don't want to have my Friday night and Saturday morning taken over my looking after this child. I don't mind DSISIL and her daughter coming over for a bit on Friday evening after she's picked up her daughter.

DP agrees with me but is of the opinion 'what can we do?' because he doesn't want to cause a row with his family. My perspective is that his sister is a selfish cow who continually dumps on people because she can't organise and sort out her own life. If we don't want to look after her daughter over night then we shouldn't feel forced to. If his parents and sister don't like it then fuck 'em. We never ask them to do anything for us that they don't want to and would never dream of it.

AIBU about this? I think I might be being a bit precious about my Friday night but I work fucking hard all week and I resent having part of my weekend stolen!!

Will try to update but my home internet is on the blink (no smartphone!) so it may have to wait until tomorrow.

[dreamingbohemian]

Maybe the kid is a brat, but she's still family

Do you really cut out a 7 year old child because you don't like her? It's not the same as chlidren's friends, random kids.

Let's revisit the OP and her reasons for not wanting to do this:

I really don't want this to happen because a) I actually don't like my neice very much, b) I have no idea how to entertain a 7 yo child, and c) I don't want to have my Friday night and Saturday morning taken over my looking after this child.

If she were talking about a friend's child, I would understand this a bit more, but she's talking about her family and I think those reasons are a bit weak and coldhearted.

[dreamingbohemian]

What I mean is, this isn't just 'someone else's child', this isn't 'every single child', it's her niece

By no means do I think you have to like every child, but I do think you should make an extra effort for family.

[ReflectingKites]

Hello all

Wow, such a lot of replies! I'm sorry I couldn't update last night fucking BT modem

The transport between where we are (just outside of York) and Leeds isn't easy at all. It's a train (which only comes every half hour) into York, connecting train to Leeds then a short bus to the camp/play thing. So it would take about three hours round trip.

DSISIL lives about a three or four hour drive away from us.

It's not a 'school' thing as such so no-one from her school is going but she's been granted time off to go- it's some like summer school thing for musical kids. not sure if that makes any sense- I don't quite understand it.

DSISIL is, basically, taking the piss as she has a tendancy to do with everyone. She wants us to look after her daughter so she can go out with her BF on Friday night- it has nothing to do with her having to work unpaid. She dumps her daughter off on different people about 4 evenings per week so this is no different. She's not 'stuck' on this, she just sees leaving her with us and picking her up on Saturday as the easiest option for her. So she planned it and then called DP saying 'I was thinking that you could pick her up and look after her on Friday night and I'll come and ger her on Saturday' were you now!?

I'm not mean by saying that I don't like my neice- I don't. She's very spoilt, she's extremely demanding and prone to massive tantrums. I appreciate that this is because her mum doesn't give a shit and has always palmed her off on grandparents and friends who have spoilt her but this has made her a very difficult child to get on with. So I have no desire to spend any time with her.

Anyway, DP spoke to his DSIS last night about this. He said her and her daughter are welcome to stay at ours Friday night if she doesn't feel like driving for three hours but we won't be travelling for three hours to pick her up from Leeds and we won't be looking after her on our own.

DSISIL threw a bit of a wobbly about it but he didn't budge. She's thinking about it but leaning towards taking the day off work on Friday (yes unpaid) and collecting her early before the summer school ends. I suspect she's saying this to make us feel guilty for her daughter missing some, or all, of the last day of the summer school.

Eugh, families eh?!

[ukatlast]

YANBU What emotional state is poor 7 year old going to be in after being 'away from parents' Mon-Fri?

[ReflectingKites]

ukatlast She's used to being pushed from pillar to post.

DSISIL and her daughter live with DP's parents who do everything for them. DSISIL and her daughter have more of a relationship that you'd see between a teenage sister and a 7 yo sister. I suspect she may not be too bothered about being away from her mum. But may be more upset being away from her nan and grandad

[JackieTheFart]

I feel more sorry for the kid now, but only because her mother sounds awful!

Laquiter - just because op posts and us female, doesn't mean she gets final say, just that she is the mn member.

[Pigsmummy]

If it is doable by public transport or your DSil arranges transport then I would do it, you might actually enjoy spending time with your niece, you were a 7 year old girl at some point. You have plenty of other Friday nights to do your own thing.

If however you can't get there easily and your DSil hasn't considered that then say no blaming logistics.

Do you have a relationship with your niece? Do you send birthday presents? If not then maybe now is a good time to start?

[Trills]

Looking after a seven year old overnight when you have not had her to stay before and have no experience of children does not sound like fun, so YANBU to not be terribly enthusiastic about the whole thing.

However you will be owed a massive favour.

[ReflectingKites]

Jackie Yes, I don't have the final say on this at all. I'm just the MN member. Although DMIL would expect me to look after the child because I am, afterall, a woman!! whole other thread and rant

Her mother, DSISIL is awful- very selfish etc.


Pigs We don't really have a relationship at all with her. We send birthday and Xmas cards and presents which never get a thank you and see her twice a year.

[DowntonTrout]

Well I feel really sorry for the child.

It sounds like SIL just wants a babysitter for the night and isn't bothered at all that she hasnt seen her DD for 5 days or that it puts you out massively.

Good on your DP for standing up to her though.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

DSISIL is prioritising her Friday night with her boyfriend over her daughter who she won't have seen for a week.

She's a 4 hour drive but she fully expects you to spend 3+ hours on a bus/train to collect the girl.

Sounds like she's used to having her family pander to her and as you're family , she expects the same from you.


She's a massively entitled ,selfish individual by the sounds of it.

(And FWIW I disliked all- many children until I had my own who I love more than oxygen-- . It doesn't make you a bad person to say you don't like her BEHAVIOUR but as the adult you can like the child . Or at least tolerate her)

[ReflectingKites]

Downton You've hit the nail right on the head there!

And this is part of my reason for not wanting to look after my neice. If DSISIL was a good parent who gave a shit about her dughter and was really up shit creek with this then me and DP would definately try and help. However, she's a fucking shit mother who doesn't give a toss about her daughter and I just don't want to be a part of enabling that IYSWIM.

[cleoteacher]

I think you are being a little mean, yes. It's only an evening and an afternoon. I would understand if it was the whole weekend. I would do it as it's doing someone a favour and if you do have children in the future no doubt you will need people to do the same at one time.

At 7 she probably goes to bed early anyway so it wouldn't take up your entire evening either. If you're not sure what to do with her on the Saturday and unsure how to interact with her I would take her to the cinema/park/swimming, something active so she is kept entertained which makes it easier for you and which tires her out too.

[dreamingbohemian]

So she's a shit mother who doesn't care about her daughter.

I think that's even more of a reason to get involved in your niece's life to be honest.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family myself and I can tell you a big reason I got out of it was that I had a few 'normal' people to look to, to serve as an example.

Refusing to have your niece for one night isn't going to change the mother's behaviour significantly, but having her might give her a glimpse of normal life that would be helpful.

[ArthurCucumber]

I've always understood that sorting out things like this is my responsibility. What sort of parent organises a thing like that - it presumably needed to be booked well in advance - without considering how the child was going to get back? I'm also rather at the parent of a seven-year-old, which is still very young, thinking it's OK not to be there at the end of a five-day residential course. I know how exhausted and glad to see me my own youngest still is at the end of only 2-3 days away, and she's 11.

We did once have a whale of a time taking my niece and nephew round Ireland for a week when they were aged 8 and 11, but they were lovely kids, we liked them and knew them well. Plus, crucially, my sister asked us with plenty of notice, covered the finances and made it clear she would understand if we couldn't. I know this is a smaller thing but the principle is the same.

As for you not wanting to spend time with your niece, that is up to you. If you don't want to do this for any reason then you shouldn't be doing it.

[JulieMumsnet]

We just want to remind you of our fantastic talk guidelines. Have a coffee break and have a read. Once you understand them, come back and carry on posting.

MNHQ.

[OctopusPete8]

Why don't you like your niece, she's 7 years old FFS, Imagine you're a delight are you?

one of the nastiest things I've read in a long time.

You're DP agree's with you? I hope SIL does find out so her child is never exposed to you ever again.

[ReflectingKites]

Arthur Sorry I should have made that clearer in my OP. She did book well in advance but didn't mention it to us. As in didn't mention the whole thing, not just the picking up issue.

Then when it started to get a bit closer, DSISIL started to arrange logistics and rang DP basically saying 'DD is at this summer school in Leeds but I can't pick her up Friday night coz I'd have to work without pay. Since you're not far from Leeds, I thought you could help out, perhaps have her on Friday night and I'll pick her up from yours Saturday'.

We were a bit because we assumed DN wouldn't particularly want to stay with us because she doesn't bloody know us and would prefer to get home. Because it wasn't set in stone, DP just said 'well we can talk closer to the time', which DSISIL took as meaning 'yes'!

Then she arranges to go out with her BF on Friday night because we are , apparently, having her daughter.

[MackerelOfFact]

YANBU at all. Why should you make (and fund) a 3-hour round trip? The child is going to be tired, probably emotional that her mum hasn't collected her, she's unlikely to have remembered to save a clean set of clothes for the Saturday so will probably need washing doing on Friday night too. It's not going to be heaps of fun for either of you.

If the mum was held up in a genuine emergency - family illness or something - then I think you should step in and help the child. But not in this situation where the mum just clearly can't be bothered to make the trip on Friday.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Octopus assuming you haven't bothered to read the thread properly.
Go back and look again and read the replies!

[dreamingbohemian]

'DD is at this summer school in Leeds but I can't pick her up Friday night coz I'd have to work without pay. Since you're not far from Leeds, I thought you could help out, perhaps have her on Friday night and I'll pick her up from yours Saturday'

I must be crazy, because I don't think this is an unreasonable thing to ask at all.

You don't have to say yes, but I don't think DSIL is crazy for asking.

I also think it was a bit off of your DP to not say yes or no either way, just 'we'll see'. Yes she shouldn't have assumed you would do it but if it's really so impossible why didn't your DP just say no?

[ArthurCucumber]

Thanks for clarifying, OP. Without being party to the phone conversation, it still sounds to me like your SIL jumped the gun and made her plans in the assumption that you would help.

Just to let you know what my 11 yr old is like, btw, after a school residential of 2-3 days. She's absolutely exhausted, generally hasn't had a shower, has a bag of dirty clothes and no clean ones, and is cranky as hell. She just wants to get home, into a onesie and lie in bed watching TV.

[BlessedDespair]

Octopus Wow you really think this is one of the nastiest things you've read in a long time? Seriously? thinks it's quite a tame one and far from nasty

Have you read the ops description of her niece? I'd find it hard to do more than tolerate spending time with a child like that, and no I'm not a nasty person who should be kept away from children so they aren't exposed to me. I don't think the op is either to be honest.

Yes it is nice to help family out but sil is asking far too much from the op and her dp

[ReflectingKites]

Arthur She did absolutely jump the gun because DSISIL is used to everyone- mainly DFIL and DMIL- running around after her and her DD all the time.
And I totally agree, I think DN will just want to get home to her mum and grandfolks, not spend time with me and DP who are really boring for a 7yo (no toys, no childrens DVDs, no idea how to interact with kids). So we have said that they can both stay over on Friday so at least DN will see her mum and it will save her mum driving 3 hours back down south.


dreaming Yes, I agree. He should have just said 'no' straight off but I think he was so taken aback by it, he didn't engage his brain quickly enough!

[ReflectingKites]

Octopus I'm not a nasty person. I don't really like children very much in general but I can tolerate those that are well behaved. However, my neice isn't well behaved at all, as I've said above. So I don't like her and I don't like spending time with her.