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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about SAHMs and illness (ours not the kids')

77 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 26/06/2013 15:05

Is it really too much to ask for dads to take time off work to help us out if we're really ill? Last week I had a D&V bug - granted, not life-threatening, but I was pretty much as ill as you can be if it's not serious - the first time I threw up was 4am and I was still going at 8pm once my DH finally got home. Had sole charge of an 11mo and at one point was helplessly heaving into a bucket in the lounge while he cried, wondering what on earth I was doing! Also had to keep dashing to the loo for obvious reasons. It was an utterly miserable day and the following day I was very lucky that my mum came round so I could rest and recover.

Just met a friend this morning, she's also a SAHM with a DC the same age. Last week her back 'went' on her and she was stuck in agony. She called her DH straight away but he couldn't leave work either and she had to struggle through the whole week with only a few hours of relief here and there from friends. She's now over the worst but I couldn't help but notice that her DH took no time off either. She didn't complain about that aspect to me and I didn't either but I thought about it all the way home.

Am I expecting too much? I know single parents have to do it all themselves, and I'm not expecting DH to stay home just for a cold or something but in both these cases I would have thought that just for the really bad part they could take over just while we're really incapacitated. I mean surely one of the benefits of having a partner is to share the bad times as well as the good!! Or do I just need to suck it up and realise there are no sick days... can you tell this is my DC1...?!

OP posts:

Hopasholic · 26/06/2013 15:21

I rarely ask DH to take time off but on occasion he has if I've been really ill or when I've had close family bereavements.

If one of the DC's are ill, 99% of the time it's me that takes time off (I work part time) but I've worked there for 14 years and DH is a contractor so doesn't get paid if he's not there where as I take annual leave.

Wait until your DH is ill and tell him 'it's great that you're home, I'm just off out for the day, you know where the nappies are!' and make a swift exit.

Emsmaman · 26/06/2013 15:25

hmm get a job so you can get sick days and still send your DC to childcare? Oh wait that's what I did. Erm not really sure what is the right answer to this, think back to when you were working, was it so easy just to drop everything and take time off at short notice? I do feel for you but also have empathy to the one that is working whose workmates and boss don't care about your personal issues. I guess what would really matter to me is what my DH was doing when he WAS at home - did he take care of you or expect to be waited on hand and foot, or somewhere in between? FWIW when DD was a little younger than that I had a vomiting bug and DH was useless, seemingly only concerned about how my noisy retching and inability to bf at the same time was affecting DD.

Justforlaughs · 26/06/2013 15:27

My DH always offers to take the day off when I'm unwell (even with a headache), but some people aren't lucky enough to have that leeway. If the roles were reversed, I would find it VERY hard to get time off when my DH was ill. (DH works full time, I work part time, evenings only). So, no YANBU to wish that they would do so, but you may be BU to think that they should.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 26/06/2013 15:27

Dunno, I guess its not too much trouble to just slob about if you aren't well, 11mo arent that challenging to look after IMO. Whereas someone taking time off work to look after another adult who is a bit ill could ultimately cost them their job.

Granted there are holidays and emergency leave and people will say that employers can't discriminate if a father has to take emergency leave etc etc but only a fool actually believes that some employers won't hold it against them in one way or another.

Or in other words, yes suck it up, in the nicest possible way.

fairylightsinthespring · 26/06/2013 15:30

YANBU. If both parents are working, and the DC or the childminder is ill, then one of you has take time off to care for them. If the child's carer (ie the SAHM) for that day is ill and cannot effectively care for them, the other parent has to take time off. Its crap, its difficult and it's made a whole lot better if the working parent offers rather than waiting to be asked. DH has done this once or twice when I was a SAHM but understandably was reluctant - One time I had been very obviously ill all night, looked and felt like death when the alarm went off and he got up and started prepping for work as usual. I had to very spell it out to him that I could not care for DS that day. Now we both work and have had a spell of one of the DCs being ill, or the CM, or CM's kids and had to take a lot of time of between us (we work at the same place so not doubly difficult). No job is easy to take time off from, but sometimes it has to happen.

diddl · 26/06/2013 15:31

From my POV, I'd rather that husband was at work tbh.

That said, depends on how you can manage the children when ill.

Ideally-husband at work, children with family/friend/neighbour, me alone being ill in peace.

iyswim.

Grignard · 26/06/2013 15:31

YANBU

I haven't been in this position but I know that my boss (still an employee not a business owner) has taken the day off when his SAHM wife has been too ill to look after their children.

I would imagine that my DH would as well unless he had a very important presentation or something to do and I was well enough to cope (even though badly). Now DS is older it wouldn't be an issue (he would happy spend the entire day on the computer if he wasn't at school) but when he was younger I was very glad at times I paid for full-time nursery to fit with my part-time job when I was ill (he didn't actually go full-time I just like the flexibility).

StuntGirl · 26/06/2013 15:35

If my partner was too ill to take care of our children and there was no other alternative childcare I would arrange the day off work to care for them myself. And I would expect the same courtesy back.

redskyatnight · 26/06/2013 15:38

Not everyone can take time off at short notice.
If they can it may be ?frowned? upon.
If it?s only a day or 2 of illness, I think you just have to muddle through (on the basis that DH/DP does pick up the slack when they get home).

I see it as the flip side of SAHM really ? you get the nice days sitting in the park in the sun while OH at work, but equally you get the shitty days too.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 26/06/2013 15:39

We live abroad, but here if you have a child under 3 who is not in childcare, the sahp can get a doctor to sign them off and if that is done the other parent has to be given the time off to care for the child/ren. Level of illness required is the same as to be signed off work for an employee, and required from day 1. I like that the possibility exists, but we've lived here 6 years and always had a.DC of qualifying age during the time, but never used ut. DH has suggested it twice but I haven't felt unanle to look after the kids.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 26/06/2013 15:40

*unable

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 26/06/2013 15:42

I can't imagine asking DH to take time off for my illness unless I was so unwell I needed to go to hospital TBH. Unless for example I was so dizzy that I was unsafe to look after the DCs.

I have certainly sat on the loo with awful shits while bf a small baby, it's just what you have to do. It's horrible, yes. And you do think - bloody hell I would be off work with this illness but you don't get sick leave from being a parent .That's the top and bottom of it really.

Original poster

PenelopeChipShop · 26/06/2013 15:44

Hmm I my case my DH is the boss so he can take time off whenever he needs to without it affecting his career but he doesn't of course because clients are demanding.

Whoever said 'get a job' well that's just a tad insensitive !! I would like to actually, I am not a SAHM by choice, I was made redundant while on mat leave. Easy target I guess. I suppose I'm just adjusting to the crappier side of always being at home.

I like the 'I'm off, you know where the nappies are' line. Would love to give that a go but not sure I can til I've fully weaned DS who would complain!

OP posts:

BabyDubsEverywhere · 26/06/2013 15:44

My DH has taken time off to look after our 3 dc if we couldn't get anyone else to help out whilst I was ill. If he really couldn't take the time off without jeopardising his employment then I would (and have) just struggled through the day doing bare min (dh even left a lunch for me to just throw todays the dc!) and as soon as he gets back he does and takes over everything.

I am not so good with him when he is ill though

Damnautocorrect · 26/06/2013 15:51

Yanbu, but its not an ideal world

My oh is self employed so can't /won't take time off and unfortunately I've no local family so I just have to get on with it.

LadyInDisguise · 26/06/2013 15:54

Well it depends on bad you are. If you are so ill (eg with flu, high fever and asleep all day), I can't see how you can ask that person to safely look after a child, let alone a toddler.

If you are unable to move (eg back has gone) but are suppose to look after a 'challenging' toddler/baby, doing nappy changes, putting in the pushchair, carry the baby upstairs/in the cot... then again I am struggling to see how yopu can leave that person on her own.

But... but... I remember the case when a mum was suddenly ill, terminally ill and was a SAHM. They couldn't afford the childcare and of course the DH couldn't take x months off sick to look after the child (and his wife :(). So his very unwell wife had to look after the child so he wouldn't also loose his job on the top of all that.

it made me think it is essential for us to have some contingency plans in place just in case I am ill and can't look after the dcs.

LadyInDisguise · 26/06/2013 15:56

Btw for me contingency plans can include DH being at home, calling some family to help, knowing a childminders/friend/neighbour who could pick up the dcs from school...

Emsmaman · 26/06/2013 15:56

Sorry the "get a job" was meant to be lighthearted, obv didn't come out the way it did in my head so I do apologise...and sorry to hear about your redundancy. I got made redundant mid pregnancy so I know how sh*tty that feels.

WorraLiberty · 26/06/2013 15:59

So what did your DH say when you asked him to stay home because you were ill, OP?

Did he point blank refuse?

badguider · 26/06/2013 16:02

Actually I think that when it comes to the point where the children are not really safe and are certainly upset (e.g. mum voilently puking and on the toilet all day, or with a migraine like i get where i am totally blind and too dizzy to stand) then the FATHER of those children needs to go home to look after his children. He needs to tell his boss his childcare has fallen through and he must take emergency leave.

To me it's not about him looking after you or letting you have a break, it's about somebody needing to keep the children looked after and if their mother is incapacitated then their father has to step up.

JazzDalek · 26/06/2013 16:06

Bit of a case-by-case one, this. If DH CAN get time off then yes, he should, IMO. If the illness warrants it.

I've had a few horrendous sick bugs the last few autumns, luckily all only lasted 8-12 hours and all fell at the weekend, so on two occasions I was able to get my mum to take the kids out for the day and on the other DP was off work anyway. But these were SO bad, I really couldn't have looked after them: it was

Stagger to the bathroom
Puke
Shit
Stagger to bed, pass out for 20 mins
Wake up, horrible waves of nausea
Stagger to bathroom
Repeat ad infinitum

MrsRogerSterling · 26/06/2013 16:11

Couldn't have put it better myself badguider

badguider · 26/06/2013 16:32

And if I started to puke at 4am then DH would leave the house in the morning with ds and try his mum, my mum, his sister to take him. If no luck (all are nearby but all work so not often available) then he'd call work and take emergency leave until somebody was available to take ds... he'd probably take ds to a coffee shop or softplay and try to work on his bb while 'watching' him but either way it wouldn't be left to me.

whatacrappyweekendthatwas · 26/06/2013 16:42

This happened to me recently. Had the worst diarrhea and cramps for two days. Could not even stand up straight. I usually grit my teeth and get on with it but this time I knew I could not physically care for our dcs all day - changing nappies, cooking meals etc. I asked dh to stay off. He did but pmoaned.

marzipananimal · 26/06/2013 16:53

DH has stayed home to look after DS when I've been ill, although he usually tries to get some work done at home when this happens. I think you're fairly lucky if you've never been ill enough or have such easy children that you can always manage! Having said that, I would try and get my parents (retired) to help first so DH could go to work.

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