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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about SAHMs and illness (ours not the kids')

77 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 26/06/2013 15:05

Is it really too much to ask for dads to take time off work to help us out if we're really ill? Last week I had a D&V bug - granted, not life-threatening, but I was pretty much as ill as you can be if it's not serious - the first time I threw up was 4am and I was still going at 8pm once my DH finally got home. Had sole charge of an 11mo and at one point was helplessly heaving into a bucket in the lounge while he cried, wondering what on earth I was doing! Also had to keep dashing to the loo for obvious reasons. It was an utterly miserable day and the following day I was very lucky that my mum came round so I could rest and recover.

Just met a friend this morning, she's also a SAHM with a DC the same age. Last week her back 'went' on her and she was stuck in agony. She called her DH straight away but he couldn't leave work either and she had to struggle through the whole week with only a few hours of relief here and there from friends. She's now over the worst but I couldn't help but notice that her DH took no time off either. She didn't complain about that aspect to me and I didn't either but I thought about it all the way home.

Am I expecting too much? I know single parents have to do it all themselves, and I'm not expecting DH to stay home just for a cold or something but in both these cases I would have thought that just for the really bad part they could take over just while we're really incapacitated. I mean surely one of the benefits of having a partner is to share the bad times as well as the good!! Or do I just need to suck it up and realise there are no sick days... can you tell this is my DC1...?!

OP posts:

foreverondiet · 26/06/2013 19:20

Difficult one - I'd probably try and get someone else to look after the DC - a friend / relation / someone else's nanny / cleaner even if I had to pay them - wouldn't ask DH to take time off work - had a colleague who did this several times (female colleague with DH who was Sahd who was ill a lot and everyone else bitched about it....

Guitargirl · 26/06/2013 19:37

It's a difficult one isn't it. I know how it is to be feeling so rotten that you are just desperate for some rest and that's impossible with small children.

When I was on maternity leave with DC2, DC1 was ill with swine flu. I was at home as I was on mat leave so looked after DC1 whilst bf DC2. DP was at work. Then DC1 got better and I became ill with the same thing. It was awful, I had a well and active 2 year old demanding my attention, a bf 6 month old and all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and sleep for a month. I remember one afternoon sitting on the sofa feeding DS, trying lamely to entertain DD, counting down the minutes till DP got home from work and then he rang to say he had decided to do some overtime!!! I sat and sobbed. I still remember to this day the look on 6-month old DS's face as he looked up at me in confusion to see his mum totally lose it.

Then, I got better and DP got it next and the jammy sod took time off work and could get all the rest he needed as I was still on mat leave. I fumed whilst he dragged himself off to bed complaining about how rotten he felt!

MiaowTheCat · 26/06/2013 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PenelopeChipShop · 26/06/2013 19:57

Emsmaman no worries I might be a bit over sensitive on that front. Bit worried about career etc and never really saw myself in this position!

WorraLiberty he was sympathetic and did give DS breakfast for me before he left which helped. But he couldn't stay as he was on a big deadline.

OP posts:

Original poster

PenelopeChipShop · 26/06/2013 20:06

Crickey sorry to hear that Twitchycurtains. Hope you are recovering well now. I know what you mean about the responsibility too. I think that's what's hitting me now!

OP posts:

Boomba · 26/06/2013 20:26

As a SP, I was ready to come on here and tell you to belt up

Ive read the thread, and it does seem wholly unfair if your OH takes time off work when sick, retreats to bed and expects to be looked after! whilst he leaves you to it when ill?!

that would make me

but also, as a working parent, i know how careful you have to be about taking time off for family stuff

sorry, completely unhelpful

wonderingagain · 26/06/2013 20:42

I think we are sending the wrong message out by telling SAHMs that they should suffer in silence. Employers should be more flexible, and they are perfectly capable unless you are married to Brad Pitt or Prince Charles, of rescheduling a meeting without it starting world war 3.

As badguider said - you have the LAW on your side - employers cannot discriminate against families by being inflexible.

Boomba · 26/06/2013 22:07

but a poorly wife, isnt a good enough reason for rescheduling a meeting short notice, which involves maybe 12 people travelling long distances to attend. Delays in projects etc can cost hundreds of thousands of pounds. Missing an important meeting can mean not winning a contract worth millions. It isnt that easy

badguider · 26/06/2013 22:15

Having no childcare IS a good enough reason to not leave infants basically unattended in the house for any kind of meeting.

We're not talking about 'a bit poorly' - we're talking about a parent who cannot keep the children safe because they cannot get off the toilet or stop vomiting or they have visual hallucinations or dizziness so they can't stand up through fever or migraine.

Boomba · 26/06/2013 22:19

badguider i hear what you are saying, but SP up and down the country take care of their kids when they are ill. So from that perspective Im a bit, meh....you muddle through, dont you

HenWithAttitude · 26/06/2013 22:23

I'm with Boomba. There are heaps of jobs where you cannot just drop everything without consequence.

If my (theoretical) DH could leave and didn't I'd probably be a bit fed up.

HenWithAttitude · 26/06/2013 22:28

When married, my husband worked away so I had no options. I did once ask a friend to have DD because I had a migraine but there were countless other times when I did just muddle through. No one got dressed. We ate toast if anything and the TV stayed on...I dozed on the sofa with baby and just let it all slide. It wasn't nice but nor was it impossible

I regard taking 'sick' leave or carers leave as a really last resort. I'm sure my patients would be thrilled (not) if they had appointments cancelled so I could go home to look after a husband with a stomach bug.

morethanpotatoprints · 26/06/2013 22:31

Boomba

I was just going to say that myself.

I was quite with a friend who is sp with no family near at all. She was so sick, couldn't get her dd to school and didn't call me to help. I am sahm and would have helped without question.
Her defense was she had to get used to coping on her own 10 years ago and learned how to manage. I have so much admiration for her, she just gets on with what life throws at her, because she has nobody else.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/06/2013 22:31

DH is great at taking time off when I'm physically ill, as are his employers who know I have a long term condition. Not so great on the mental side though (I also have long term depression)

Especially since being signed off with depression himself and being unable to help out during the time he would normally be in work. Not sure what I think of this yet... Doesnt really seem "fair" that I still did all day every day at my worst times, yet he gets to sit alone upstairs now... Hmm...

freddiefrog · 26/06/2013 23:06

Depends how ill

It's not too bad now mine are older, they're at school, or if they're off they can sort themselves out

I had this whole debate with DH when they were younger though. I usually just gritted my teeth and got on with it but once had the worst stomach bug I'd ever had in my life, DD1 was coming up to 4, DD2 about 2 months old. I have no idea how I got through that day, my mum was on holiday so I was on my own. I really don't think the kids were safe to be left with me alone, but DH insisted on going to work. Fortunately it was a quick one

OctopusWrangler · 26/06/2013 23:32

My ex took a two days off once when our eldest child was about six months old. I had a migraine so bad I couldn't see straight or stand up. It was scary. His boss wasn't particularly pleased but had no real option as I was physically incapable of looking after our child.

poshfrock · 27/06/2013 07:49

Seven years ago when DD2 was 2 we got back from our annual 2 week holiday and within 24 hours it became apparent she had chickenpox. DH had a further 4 days off (just the way his shifts fell) so he would be off with her whilst I went back to work. Within 24 hours he had severe DV. Turned out to be campylobacter, so serious we had to send stool samples to Environmental Health. As we had just been away for 2 weeks there was no way I could have asked for more time off work to look after DH or DD. DD could not go to nursery due to chickenpox so he had to look after her.

For those of you who think I should have taken the time off, the rest of the story is that two years after that I had to take time off with DSD due to mental health issues she was having at the time. I took about 5 days ( non-consecutive) in total over a 2 week period (DH took the same so there was someone with her for the whole 2 weeks) I lost that job due to "excessive personal commitments".

Employers do not have to be sympathetic to family illness and in my experience most aren't.

Original poster

PenelopeChipShop · 27/06/2013 10:06

That's terrible that you lost that job poshfrock. I'm no expert but it sounds pretty illegal too.

ok I accept I might be being a bit precious here then! As I said, first time mum and still being hit a bit by the changes, especially as I didn't expect things to turn out so one sided due to me not going back to work yet. Mums are amazing aren't they

OP posts:

badguider · 27/06/2013 10:51

It is illegal to sack somebody for taking 'emergency dependents leave' which is usually up to a day to make other arrangements. People should not accept illegal behaviour from employers at the expense of their child's safety.

I suffer from migraines which only occur about once every six-twelve months but when they do I am incapable of seeing or speaking at first and then get dizzy, fall over and sleep the deepest sleep (unconscious) for a few hours before settling into a more common headache. Usually I can feel them coming and get home and into bed but when I've been caught in public I have had strangers phone an ambulance which blue-lights me to hospital.
When I am at home with my baby if I feel one coming I will put him in his cot and phone or text dh. I will not have time to make more than one call and even that call will be garbled and nonsense - it's only because he knows the situation that he'd know what to do. If dh doesn't come home it could be hours and hours before I come round to consciousness again. I know babies who are severley neglected in their cots can live for days in their own filth before dying of dehydration but I don't want mine to experience that even for three or four hours!

I would not have had children with dh if I didn't think he would drop everything and come home when I called... even though his job often involves pitching for millions of pounds of work at a very top level for his company. If there was a big presentation he'd come home and get ds and find somebody to watch him then go back into work or if he were too far away he would do the phoning round for somebody to come and get him and make him safe (tricky as I wouldn't be able to answer the door by that stage so they'd also have to get keys from dh or MIL).

halcyondays · 27/06/2013 16:00

if I'm ill, dh always takes time off work if he possibly can.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom · 27/06/2013 16:03

At my old work, all my male colleagues with SAH partners took time off from time to time.

It's not about having a sick partner. It's about not having any childcare.

Pitmountainpony · 27/06/2013 16:12

My husband uses up his holiday allowance when i get really sick.Now I have got day care set up for when i really need it so I can call the day before and book them in- trouble is they always come back from that odd day at daycare and get sick two days later no doubt from the sick kids presumably sent in by their working parents who refuse to take time off work when their child is sick, instead sending them in to pass on their bugs to all the other kids, so it is hardly worth it.
In fact my son gets sick so easily and every time i go to the doc he asks me"Is your son in daycare?" So I guess kids get sick a lot in daycare and their parents have a double problem of both of them being working.
It is a problem for everyone- kids get sick a fair bit when they are small, as do parents but it is hard for mums and dads to take more than the odd day off I reckon. Get something else in place- like a local retired person you could pay to have your kids when you are sick.
I know it is awful and you have my full sympathies but think of all those families where both parents work, the kids are stuck in daycare 8 till 6 every day, whether they feel 100% or not and the parents are in a bind because it is hard to take time off work to stay home with a sick kid.
It is just one of those grueling aspects of parents that is hard to resolve unless you have family near willing to help out.

3Caramel · 27/06/2013 16:21

YANBU! But it is one of those difficulties of being a parent.

It does really annoy me (& all my mum friends) when DH is at home ill - and gets to spend the whole day in bed, being looked after by me (minimally I might add!). And yet us Mums never seems to be allowed or able to be ill, as have to look after the dcs. What I would give for a day in bed!

But I don't think it's that the DH is being unfair - more that it's one of those parenting difficultities where there isn't an easy or ideal solution. And as someone commented, it's taking the rough with the smooth and sucking it up!

3Caramel · 27/06/2013 16:27

p.s. I did have to get my parents to come over a couple of times since dc was born to look after him, as I was too ill to function. I felt really guilty about getting them involved, and worried about what they might have thought of dh not taking time off to look after dc, but hey, that's life.

5madthings · 27/06/2013 16:41

Yanbu my dp will get time off or arrange to come home early or go in late so he can do school runs.

At xmas time three of try madthings had a v&d bug and then I got it, so whilst trying to deals with poorly children and myself it was just too much, I couldn't move from the bathroom floor and the toddler of course didn't get it and was her usual into everything self... I called dp at work and explained to the college that answered what was up, she sent dp home :)

Generally I will suck it up, ask friends for help with school runs, no family nearby but sometimes its just not possible and dp will help. It doesn't happen often.

Oh I had post natal psychosis after ds4 was hospitalises for a week so dp had that time off then a week or two once I was home and then they arranged his shifts so he was home in the evenings etc. They classed it as compassionate leave? But it works both ways ans dp works crazy shifts, steps up to help out when they are short staffed etc. But I think as he is so good at helping them out they return the favour when he needs it iyswoim?

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