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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about SAHMs and illness (ours not the kids')

77 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 26/06/2013 15:05

Is it really too much to ask for dads to take time off work to help us out if we're really ill? Last week I had a D&V bug - granted, not life-threatening, but I was pretty much as ill as you can be if it's not serious - the first time I threw up was 4am and I was still going at 8pm once my DH finally got home. Had sole charge of an 11mo and at one point was helplessly heaving into a bucket in the lounge while he cried, wondering what on earth I was doing! Also had to keep dashing to the loo for obvious reasons. It was an utterly miserable day and the following day I was very lucky that my mum came round so I could rest and recover.

Just met a friend this morning, she's also a SAHM with a DC the same age. Last week her back 'went' on her and she was stuck in agony. She called her DH straight away but he couldn't leave work either and she had to struggle through the whole week with only a few hours of relief here and there from friends. She's now over the worst but I couldn't help but notice that her DH took no time off either. She didn't complain about that aspect to me and I didn't either but I thought about it all the way home.

Am I expecting too much? I know single parents have to do it all themselves, and I'm not expecting DH to stay home just for a cold or something but in both these cases I would have thought that just for the really bad part they could take over just while we're really incapacitated. I mean surely one of the benefits of having a partner is to share the bad times as well as the good!! Or do I just need to suck it up and realise there are no sick days... can you tell this is my DC1...?!

OP posts:

Jinsei · 26/06/2013 16:54

It really depends how ill you are tbh.

TarkaTheOtter · 26/06/2013 16:55

My dh rarely takes days off when he is ill (lucky coworkers I know ) so I would have to be pretty ill to ask. Biting I did need him to I would not hesitate to ask (and would be pissed off if he refused).

In most cases I rely on cbeebies instead.

CreatureRetorts · 26/06/2013 16:55

YANBU

My DH would take the time off if he could when it was my day off (I work part time). We are a team, we both are responsible for our children.

TarkaTheOtter · 26/06/2013 16:56

*but if, not biting obv

Thurlow · 26/06/2013 17:01

YANBU. I have taken days off when DP was in sole charge of our 1yo - someone with D&V or a tooth absess isn't really in a position to look after a young child alone unless they really have to. As badguider puts it, there comes a point when it is not safe for a young child to be alone with someone who isn't physically capable of looking after them. Of course it's not always that simple taking time off, but I'd be really annoyed if my OH didn't try and get a day off, or finish early or something.

I was ill at the weekend, DP was at work and I caved in and called my parents to come over for the afternoon to help out.

KirjavaTheCat · 26/06/2013 17:06

Technically, OH's work are pro 'dependency leave'.

Realistically, he gets bollocked for being late by five minutes, handed notices of improvement for having a single day's sick in two years because he had nasty D&V (works in an office attached to a warehouse which handles food so would have been bollocked for coming in, too) and told that no matter how sick his wife is, as long as there's an adult present to look after his children he'll be punished for taking leave because it's not necessary and they don't care.

But yeah apparently we live in a country whose government aims to foster good relationships between men and their children!

attheendoftheday · 26/06/2013 17:10

YANBU. My dp has taken time off when I've been very ill (not a cold, but for d&v stuff). I always assumed that was normal! It's only happened twice since we had the dds, but on both occasions I don't think I was capable of looking after the dds alone.

morethanpotatoprints · 26/06/2013 17:17

I think every situation is different.
I do have a lot of sympathy as I have been there myself several times.
It depends on what your dh does for a living, for some people they couldn't get time off just like that unless a family bereavement. I heard of one employer who will only give time off for funeral of immediate family, so close cousin or uncle, forget it.
If you have other family members to help out and the employer isn't so good why risk the agro. I do know its hard looking after little ones when ill, but sometimes it just has to be.
My dh wasn't in a position to take time off if I was ill and we had no family within 300 mile radius, so muggins here had to cope.

Jinsei · 26/06/2013 17:18

I guess it also depends on how often you're ill. Too often and your DP's job would potentially be at risk, so you'd be better off finding alternative solutions.

StitchAteMySleep · 26/06/2013 17:19

I had flu recently, there was no way I could have coped without someone there to help. I couldn't hold dd2 unless I was sitting down.

DH told me that if my mum couldn't come to help he would take time off.

You can get emergency nannies and babysitters that could care for your child in your home whilst you are there if your partner can't take time off.

Whether they would want to if you are vomiting your guts up I do not know.

FriskyHenderson · 26/06/2013 17:20

Dh has taken days off when I've had e.g mastitis and couldn't lift the baby up to feed. Otherwise for D&V he'll go in late after dropping them at school and I'll call in favours for pick up, if I have chest infection then he'll get them ready and I'll take them in then get back to the sofa with cbeebies with the baby until pick up, then they just have to survive until he comes home to order pizza throw some food at them.

Has to be said that I'd have to be pretty ill for him to take time off. I have insurance so that if I did get proper long term ill then we could employ a nanny.

charlottehere · 26/06/2013 17:23

Dh has refused in the past to take care of our Dcs when I had d&v then when I had an illness which resulted in me being admitted to hospital for a week he did the same. Eventually coming home when I sent him photos of myself (face and lips majorly swollen) and tbf he took me straight to the hospital.

charlottehere · 26/06/2013 17:25

Must add PIL who live 7 hours by car away will come if needed. I'd rather cope alone

littleducks · 26/06/2013 17:27

I never asked dh to take a day off when I was a SAHM and ill. I stuck cbeebies/DVDs on for the day and made a bed up for myself on the sofa. I must admit a downstairs toilet was useful.

I now work and would be a bit if dh asked me to take time off if he was ill when he was supposed to have the kids.

It seems a bit extreme unless you are seriously ill. I wouldn't do anything else though and wouldn't expect any housework or cooking to be done that day.

wonderingagain · 26/06/2013 17:28

No it's not acceptable for anyone to leave their children with someone who is incapable of looking after them properly.

He wouldn't leave them with a childminder that's ill as that - so he shouldn't do it with you.

He's living in the 1950s. This isn't about SAHM/WOHM this is just plain decency.

Perhaps it's time to get to know someone who can take the children off your hands from time to time anyway. Don't get trapped into being the only one they can rely on - you'll never get a life.

mrsjay · 26/06/2013 17:29

how Ill are you that you need your husband to take time off work I have been ill and at home with little kids and only once or twice in decades have I needed DH to take time off . I think you need to try and find somebody else to look after the children or just get on with it, I honestly think you need to judge how ill you are not all employers are eager to take time off IYSWIM

Viviennemary · 26/06/2013 17:33

I think this is one of the cases when you just have to get on with it and do the best you can. A lot of people don't have the luxury of being able to take time off work to help out. They might not be able to afford to. If time off can be taken then yes take it. But it isn't always possible.

MistyB · 26/06/2013 17:34

I am of the opinion that DH's career has benefited hugely from my being there for every ill day the children have and if I am incapable of looking after the children (ie would be too ill to go in to work if I worked) then he should take time off to look after the children as if the nanny had called in sick. If we had both continued to work, we would have shared the days off where the children were sick and the very occasional time where I have been too ill to cope are a small price to pay.

DIYapprentice · 26/06/2013 17:40

I had a virulent stomach bug once, and DH couldn't take the time off work as he had some major meetings (self employed). He then caught the same bug, and while he was upstairs in bed whining about how terrible he felt and acting like a big manchild wanting me to run after him and molly coddle him I told him that if he pissed me off anymore I would walk out of the house and leave him to look after both the DC for the whole day the way I had done when I was ill.

That shut him up - and the next time I was ill he did his absolute best to re-arrange his schedule to help out with the DC.

AaDB · 26/06/2013 18:14

We can only take time off if ds is ill. If either one of us is ill, we just have to get on with it. We don't have annual to take leave except in very exception circumstances. We have no help with childcare. Now ds is in school it is easier when DH and I are ill.

If one if us parents us I'll with ds; he may end up with a pj day watching too much TV. If we can we will leave early and always take over when we get in.

DS had now been ill for four days and nights. DH has slept in with him for two nights and I've been off. We all feel like shite. I made sure dinner was ready when he got home.

It is really hard to get on with it and it is relentlessly exhausting. for you.

honeytea · 26/06/2013 18:44

yanbu, my dp took a couple of days off work when I was ill and I was at home alone with 4 month old ds. I could probably have coped but I was breastfeeding and my milk stops working if I don't eat properly/drink lots and get enough sleep. Ds would not take a bottle (even though we tried hard to give it to him occasionally) so I was his food supply. Dp looked after ds bringing him to me to feed and looked after me too.

In the country where we live the right to take time off to look after children if they are ill or the sahp is ill is protected by law, you get full pay for days off with an ill child, it is paid for by tax money not by the company.

badguider · 26/06/2013 18:54

The right to emergency dependent's leave is here in the UK too, although it is often unpaid.
From www.gov.uk:
"

Your rights

As an employee you?re allowed time off to deal with an emergency involving a dependant. A dependant could be a spouse, partner, child, parent, or someone who depends on you for care.

How much you get
You?re allowed a reasonable amount of time off to deal with the emergency, but there?s no set amount of time as it depends on the situation.

Pay
Your employer may pay you for time off to look after dependants but they don?t have to. Check your contract, company handbook or intranet site to see if there are rules about this.

Exceptions
You can?t have time off if you knew about a situation beforehand. For example you wouldn?t be covered if you wanted to take your child to hospital for an appointment. You might get parental leave instead.

badguider · 26/06/2013 18:56

also:

Problems when you take time off

Your employer musn?t: treat you unfairly for taking time off (for example refusing you training or promotion) dismiss you or choose you for redundancy because you asked for time off for a dependant refuse you reasonable time off If you think you?ve been unfairly treated for taking time off for dependants, get advice from your staff or trade union representative or Acas. Acas helpline 08457 474 747 You may be able to take a case to an Employment Tribunal.

twitchycurtains · 26/06/2013 19:02

Yanbu, I hate and fear getting ill as I know that I will have no one to take care of the kids or be. H can't afford to take any time off work, only have in laws nearby and they don't /won't offer to take the kids. Very recently I became seriously ill, hospitalisation and stomach surgery. The whole time I was in hospital I was worried about the kids as H left them with in laws and went off to work, had no idea if they were looking after them properly (mil likes dissolving rusks in baby's bottle to help him sleep through as well as other stuff that I don't agree with).

In the end I have had to come to my mums to recover because I can't lift anything for 6 weeks and my 8 month old is pretty heavy!

Hate the feeling of bring overall responsible for the kids by way of being a sahm regardless of whether I am ill or not.

intheshed · 26/06/2013 19:14

Yanbu- when I was a SAHM DH took time off work a couple of times when I was ill - either that or 'worked from home'.

I didn't feel the need to be a martyr!

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