Penalised for being a single parent with a boy!!!!

[Zeezee25]

Firstly I would like to say ?hello? to everyone, even though I have comes to mumsnet to get info I didn?t signup sadly. Just to warn you this will be long!
Today I am faced with a situation and would welcome any advice or criticism, if I am wrong please tell me and help me understand.
A little background, I am a single mum who is 25yrs old with a 5yr old boy. I?ve currently finished my penultimate year of uni and work part-time. My son is your average little boy who goes to school and is a member of a swimming and football club.
Recently I have noticed that his swimming has improved but may need a little more help to improve his technique, adding to him also asking why I never get in the pool with him (im just so busy), I decided I would take him to my local pool once a week with me.
I get there and I first ask if there is women swimming times and I am told ?yes?. The times are perfect, 3days a week. I thank her and say my son will be so happy, and then it all changed from friendly to becoming defensive. The lady replies with ?oh sorry it?s only for women and girls?. I say ?ok, when can I bring my son? which she replies with ?only in public times?. The conversation went back and forth with me explaining I don?t take him in public for religious reasons also I am just not that confident in swimwear to be swimming with men around. She then suggests I ask a male family or friend to take him, this annoys me as he does go swimming but not with me which was the whole point of me coming. She further explains that women have complained that they don?t want little boys around, even little boys as young as 2yrs of age (I decided to ask what boy age was appropriate).
I was informed the pool programme is: 1 day ? women only no children, 2 days ? women and girls.
What I am annoyed/angry about is that 3 times a week these women can go swimming and I am told too bad. Why is there two days for women and girls and not one day each for girls and boys (even add little girls to the boys day I don?t really care). I felt extremely penalised for being a single parent, even more penalised for having a son and not a daughter. I also feel kids (babies in my eyes) are being made to be what they are not. Kids don?t care who is in the pool or what you wear or how you look. My son will swim with me and not care about anyone else. Am I wrong they change one day so little boys can swim with their mothers? I know I can?t be the only single parent in the community with a son, our needs are completely ignored.
Anyway it ended with me being told I cannot bring my son and to come public times or just not take him. I feel really sad now as I am faced with not taking him because I can?t bring myself t wear a swimsuit with men in the pool. Most of all I feel guilty for letting my insecurity hold my son back from improving his swimming. What advice would you give me? Have you had situations like this? If I am just complaining for no real reason please help me understand. Thank you so much for reading my very long rant.
Zeinab

[shewhowines]

'My son will swim with me and not care about anyone else'

Do you really think that men, who compose half the population, will be paying any attention to you when swimming?

Good points cecily Can you see your own contradiction there OP?

You really don't need to worry about the public swimming sessions. You may be a bit selfconscious at first, but honestly men are there to swim, just like you. I have never noticed anyone staring at me - although you may attract more attention if you wear a weird, all covering costume. Self fulfilling prophecy, but they won't be staring for the reasons you think.
Go for it. Hope the swimsuit shopping goes well. Get something normal but modest.

[MrsLettuce]

It's a preposterous set of rules, yes. Do complain, of course.

In the meantime, I've seen that ASDA do a very reasonably priced, full coverage swim set.

[MrsLettuce]

ASDA set here

[CecilyP]

Honestly, I think the lady at the desk was just making it up on the spot; I doubt if any women would object to 2 year old boys or see them as men. However, the women only sessions may actually be popular with adult women on their own as well as older girls and there would be very few young children or toddlers of either sex attending.

[Fakebook]

When I went to Malaysia I saw a lot of women in this type of swimwear in the water parks and beaches.

Maybe you could buy this and go in the public baths during a quietish time?

[shewhowines]

Sorry but i would notice you wearing what mrsLettuce has posted. I wouldn't stare, but you would certainly stand out and I would look and notice you. Some people would be ruder and stare.

The best bet would be to blend in, if you can bring yourself to do it. Nobody will pay the slightest bit of attention to you.

[CecilyP]

Unless there are a lot of ladies wearing this sort of thing at the pool, I think, as shewho says, OP would be attracting a lot of attention by wearing one. She would be better to just get a plain, modest chain store swimming costume. Zeezee, once you are in the pool no-one will see what you are wearing anyway.

[Startail]

I would make a massive fuss, the cut off for womens only swimming should be 8 when your DS is allowed in the pool on his own and has to use the mens changing rooms.

Anything ekse is ridiculous and massively discriminatory against ethnic minority wimen who may only feel happy at single sex sessions.

[LessMissAbs]

I actually think the suggestion of taking the initiative and hiring the pool yourself is a very good one. You can then advertise the session locally for other interested parties.

You do realise this is what most sports clubs have to do, often just to get a couple of lanes?

I also doubt you'll have much success with the religious discrimination angle, if the policy is based on a clear demand for female only sessions. Some parents can be funny about swimming pool changing rooms. My tri club's private one hour hire was effectively reduced to 40 minutes because parents complained if we were still in the changing rooms when their hour started!

And when are men actually to be allowed to swim in this pool, if so many individual sessions for women are to be run?

Have you tried a private health club instead?

Tbh your son will learn a far better swimming technique at a local club, especially if you dont swim much. And do you intend to teach him your body/modesty issues as well?

[Justfornowitwilldo]

At what age would you be uncomfortable swimming with other women's sons?

[JollyShortGiant]

I wear a t-shirt in the pool usually. Pools have never complained that I do this.

And if I go to a women-only session I expect it to be only females in the pool, no males of any age.

[CecilyP]

I wasn't suggesting that OP should claim religious discrimination, rather that if she forms part of a significant group in her area, there could be unmet demand for women only swimming where you can take young children of either sex. They do still have women only sessions which is a throw back to former times - my local swimming pool certainly doesn't have this - so a suggestion for a small change for one of these sessions is quite a sensible request.

[shewhowines]

As said on here, there is a lot of fuss in the changing rooms over boys being there. 5 -7 is getting on a bit and whilst many women would have no objection to swimming with them, many more object to them seeing them in the changing room, even without religious reasoning. A whole new can of worms, especially for women who require ladies only swimming sessions.

[Startail]

Honestly this is ridiculous, surely woman only sessions that allow children are going to attract women like the OP (single parent or not) who want to swim modestly with there DDs and/or DSs.

Older and/or Overweight women or those with other body issues are surely going to want to come to evening child free sessions.

I t really can't be impossible to please everyone.

Well except men who moan about womens only swimming, but that's another thread.

[JedwardScissorhands]

I think this is quite unfair. The ladies only should be adult ladies only, or children of either sex should be allowed up to the age when the pool allow unaccompanied children. So, if the pool allow children in unaccompanied at 8, then under 8s should be allowed at ladies only.

[CecilyP]

I get that women only sessions are probably intended to be for adult women and older girls, but if women can and do take very little girls with them, then I don't see why they can't also take very little boys. There would have to be a strict cut off which is far easier to enforce at the ticket office than it is once people are through and have access to the changing rooms.

[Fakebook]

I've seen people wear worse clothes in public. It's all about confidence. I don't wear clothes to "fit in", I wear clothes that are comfortable for me. If the OP would feel more comfortable wearing a full bodied swimsuit and has the confidence then she shouldn't really worry about attracting attention.

[Waimea]

Op-can I ask, do you live in an area of predominantly your religion, is that why they have women and girls?
If it is a multi-cultural area I am honestly shocked that some women wouldn't want to swim with boys of 5.
If its for religious reasons, then that's different.
Forgive my ignorance

[DeWe]

I can see Op's point, however I can also see the pool's problem.

If they say "under 7s". There'll be excuses: "well he's small and only looks 7"; "if I want to take my 10yo no one can stop me"; "I've been going since he was a baby why should I stop" and "my friend takes her 7yo so I don't see why I can't take my 9yo because they're friends".

If they do an age, people will violate it. It then relies on the pool staff feeling confident enough to challenge the child who looks 10yo-and then what do they do if the parent says "he is under 7"? Even if they're certain, how many staff on the front desk have the confidence to say "no, I don't think he is, I'm not admitting"-that could be their job gone if they're wrong.

So it's easier to say no boys at all, than have the awkward situation.
Although if you put him in one of those factor 60 swim suits with the zip, and a swimming hat, I doubt anyone would notice.

[sweetestcup]

I get women only sessions, but if the session allows young children then it should be both genders, I don't see the difference between a 5 year old boy and girl really

[Sirzy]

I don't see why we can't just have swimming pools open to anyone who wants to go to it.

If we have women only, women and children only it starts getting daft - when are men supposed to go? Can we have men only and men and children only?

[SoupDragon]

Have some people missed the point that it is for religious reasons the OP doesn't want to wear a swimsuit with adult men around?

[shewhowines]

No we haven't, but the op has conceded that she may have to go swimming costume shopping.

[MummytoKatie]

Agree with DeWe about why it is done that way. (And about the Factor 60 swimsuit - especially if you go for one in a nice yellow rather than navy for example.)

However, while I think it is a bit of a pain for you I think that what you face is nowhere as near as hard as that for single dads (especially single dads of daughters.) At our local soft play in the women's toilets there are child sized toilets and child sized sinks. In the men's there is a urinal and two adult toilets. So when I was feeding newborn ds and dd wanted the loo it was much harder for dh to take her. ("Daddy - what's that man doing? But why is he seeing in the sink?!? Can I wee in the sink? Why can't I.")

I'd suggest going during the day - it is likely that the pool will be pretty empty and those there will be mainly women anyway. (When we went on Fri pm dh was the only male in our local pool.)

Also - how about this for an outfit - probably easier to swim in than some of the others.

[MummytoKatie]

Sorry - couldn't link before.

www.swimshop.co.uk/kiefer-womens-full-bodysuit-navy