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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP working sudden over-time - aibu?

80 replies

SisterTax · 24/06/2013 09:48

Been with DP two years. In all that time he's never worked overtime. He's always worked 7.30am - 4.30pm monday to Thursday and 7.30 - 11.30 on a Friday. Always.

Then we get a house together and all of a sudden he has to work overtime. He's now working until 6.30pm Monday to thursday and now working Saturday mornings. He has his kids every saturday night so since moving in together they've had to get used to spending every weekend with me too. They're great kids (aged 16 and 18) and I'm lucky that they're so good ..... very lucky infact because DP is now working Sunday mornings too! How come before he always used to say he'd never arrange anything on a weekend or work weekends because it's his time with his kids yet all of a sudden he's working saturdays AND sundays (leaving me looking after his kids, youngest is disabled).

I'm also becomming paranoid because he's stopped wearing his work uniform. Ever since I've known him he's worn a navy blue company polo shirt for work - all last week he wore a normal black t-shirt and this morning, despite his work shirt being washed and ironed - he specifically looked for a different t-shirt to wear. I asked him how come he no longer wears his uniform, he said it's optional and plus he doesn't want to look like a "pog" wearing the same shirt every day. It's not bothered him for the past couple of years!!

AIBU??

OP posts:

Original poster

SisterTax · 24/06/2013 11:01

Without wanting to drip feed - he's also avoiding me around the house (making me himself busy, constantly) and no longer has any interest in sex.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 24/06/2013 11:03

oh well id pull him up on it today there is something going on

BreasticlesNTesticles · 24/06/2013 11:08

but can't you see who he is texting through his ipad as the texts arrive and are sent?

livinginwonderland · 24/06/2013 11:10

Pull him up on it. I would go with the driving past his work/ringing his work phone to make sure he is where he says he is. Your posts have made me really suspicious though and if it were my DP I would be very close to ending the relationship.

Justfornowitwilldo · 24/06/2013 11:11

Visit him at work.

redskyatnight · 24/06/2013 11:11

lyingWitch No I don't get paid extra if I work overtime - it's expected that my salary is set at a level to cover any "reasonably required overtime". So sometimes I do really well out of it (don't work any overtime) and other times I can be working late every day (so am probably underpaid on balance). I think it does probably average out in the end.

If OP's DH has been paid for overtime but never actually doing any, sounds like someone in the company might have cottoned on to this ...

MrsMelons · 24/06/2013 11:13

I completely understand why you are 'drip feeding' I think, you want it confirmed that you are being paranoid re the overtime/change of dress at work.

I would also be paranoid/suspicious, even more so with him avoiding you and not having interest in sex. That said, it does not actually mean anything is going on as such but there must be a reason of sorts for the change in behaviour.

The only options you really have is to call his work number on a Sunday morning or late in the evening like someone has said (as an emergency) or talk to him about it properly. Don't let him fob you off and say how unhappy you are with it.

I have done this in the past when I have had paranoid times and there was an innocent explanation that time (it really was my paranoia and insecurities) but I explained that I felt that way and DH took me seriously and was mortified he had made me feel like that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/06/2013 11:15

redsky... Thanks, that makes sense. The plants that I tend to audit have workers on hourly rates. I agree, at a certain level, there is an expectation of overtime if needed and it's unpaid.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 24/06/2013 11:18

I would call him bluff and tell him you know everything as you've seen the emails, see what he says or watch his face. It start digging, lots of good suggestions here. Turn up at his work.

MrsMelons · 24/06/2013 11:21

I think the overtime thing sounds odd, I am salaried and my contract states I need to work the hours required to complete the job. I don't consider it overtime and its all swings and roundabouts (usually). Its not actually overtime.

It is possible I would be asked to work overtime, this could be a specific project or in a different department, for that I would be paid overtime at an enhanced rate and it would show separately on my pay slip.

Original poster

SisterTax · 24/06/2013 11:22

for some reason his text messages (or imessages whatever!) are not shared between ipad and iphone but I've just had a play about with the ipad and have managed to link the safari app to his phone - therefore anything he opens in safari on his phone will also open on the ipad. I'm hoping it doesn't send a message to his phone warning him of this however! stupid bloody apple

OP posts:

givemeaboost · 24/06/2013 11:22

Really sorry to read this, but I think theres a strong possibility something is going on. Id be tempted to check out the ipad further and possibly ask for his phone on the premise of looking up something and checking that too-if he wont let you look at his phone thatd ring massive alarm bells for me. ringing work or turning up there on the times hes doing overtime may also shed some light on the situation.

I had a similar situation, wed had our youngest child, he started working overtime/weekends and spending time with a (male) colleague, it was only after we split I realised some of the overtime and the times hed gone to his colleagues house- he had gone there, but in order to spend time with his colleagues girlfriends best friendwho hes now married to

dreamingbohemian · 24/06/2013 11:25

You have to find out what's going on. This all sounds really messed up.

How did you come to move in together? I mean, if he is up to no good, it sounds weird that he would agree to move in at the first place.

BreasticlesNTesticles · 24/06/2013 11:25

But if the ipad is pinging everytime he gets a message it must be on there somewhere? Maybe some apple bods can help you?

kitbit · 24/06/2013 11:25

Has he got past form OP? Has he played away before, either with you or previous partner?

Original poster

SisterTax · 24/06/2013 11:33

Everything was fine before we moved in together - this literally started the first week in our new house. All of a sudden he wanted to work weekends (he admits he doesn't have to work weekends, he chooses to as he needs to do so many hours of overtime he chooses to do them on a saturday) plus he gets paid extra for the sunday. But before we moved in together he didn't work weekends (because he had nobody to look after his kids that he's supposed to be spending time with?) he'd always leave his phone around (this stopped as soon as we moved in together too) and before we moved in together we would have sex around 3 - 4 times a week. We've had sex once since we moved and that was only because I pretty much forced myself onto him! But like I say, it literally started the week we moved in.

The ipad buzzes with ebay messages and facebook but not text messages for some reason.

OP posts:

Miggsie · 24/06/2013 11:36

Sounds like an affair or some form of addiction that means he is skint now and desperately needs money. - but I'd say, with the "taking phone into bath" scenario that it is an affair.

Either way he is not being honest with you.

Move out - I can't see what you are getting out of this relationship other than worry.

StuntGirl · 24/06/2013 11:41

The innocent explanation could be he's worried about the extra financial responsibility of owning a house, and is genuinely working overtime to try and save more money.

The cynical explanation is he has got his feet under the table and feels he has you 'trapped' with the new house purchase, so he can use you for things like free childcare.

Either way it doesn't sound like there was any rational, adult discussion about this and he is making very large assumptions. Make yourself busy on the weekends for now, and tell him you are not his default childcare. His children come to see him, not you (as lovely as you probably are!)

Lulabellarama · 24/06/2013 11:42

If it's buzzing with FB messages then it has to be left logged in. I'd be checking his chat history on FB.

ImperialBlether · 24/06/2013 11:47

Does he drive to work? Do you drive? Can you possibly see his car if you drive past?

Have you tried phoning on his work's landline?

What does his ex think of you looking after the boys? I would be very upset if my ex left my children with his partner - no offence, but you're not the person they're visiting.

I think he's up to something, I'm sorry.

givemeaboost · 24/06/2013 11:50

^ I agree , check fb msgs and also the archived ones(ones hes deleted but they don't delete, they go into a archive folder). I would also agree that making yourself busy on wkends is advisable, men are too quick to take the piss ime, they are quite happy(insistant) on seeing their children but are often quick to pass the buck to stepmum, when as others have said, they are there to see him primarily - does their mum know hes not actually there to see them? may change the situation. When I found out exp was working all wkend during contact weekends I stopped them as I believe if they are not seeing dad, and spending time with stepmum instead then really the mother should be given the choice to spend time with them.

ImperialBlether · 24/06/2013 12:05

Do you have children yourself, OP? Because if not, surely you could go out at the weekend if he was working?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/06/2013 12:26

Why on earth would he work at weekends when he doesn't have to? That's a horrible insult, OP. You don't deserve that. He's insulting his children too, on a grand scale.

Whether he's messing around or not (and I think he might well be), he's behaving very badly towards you and showing you disrespect and contempt really.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 24/06/2013 12:40

You are not paranoid.

You are observant.

No need to waste energy working out potential explanations.

You both need a frank talk. I would suggest you check your penalty notice on your mortgage, etc, so that you are informed on your real options out and do not stay for the mortgage.

Incidentally something similar happened to me, minus DCs. Ex DP announced he did not love me and wanted to be single again 2 months int new home/mortgage. We sold again. I am so glad. Now with a good DH.

Original poster

SisterTax · 24/06/2013 12:57

I have two children of my own so yesterday I was stuck in the house with a 17 year old who was clearly missing his father and didn't quite know what to do with himself, a 16 year old lad with autism who won't get himself a drink or anything to eat etc meaning I have to be constantly thinking about the last time he ate/drank anything, my own grumpy 14 year old and my hyperactive/behavioural problems 12 year old. Oh - and I'm supposed to be studying for exams and to add insult to injury, DP later said I had to pull my weight around the house more and not leave everything to him as I'd not cleaned the grill pan used for cooking HIS dinner. The fact that I'd looked after 4 kids, studied for exams, cleaned a big house from top to bottom (with 3 bathrooms and 4 smelly boys that wee everywhere!) was by the by

Sorry, going off on a tangent now. So yeah, not that easy to go out really as I can't leave the autistic lad alone too long (he'd starve, bless him) and to be honest, nor would I want to.

I'm not sure if their mother knows they're being left with me, I have asked DP if the mother has mentioned me and he says she hasn't said anything - not sure I believe that as one of her lads is rather vulnerable and staying every weekend with a woman she doesn't know?

OP posts:

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