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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my cousin that she should wait to have a baby

144 replies

AmadeusRocks · 23/06/2013 17:40

I am well prepared to be told that it's none of my business/to keep my nose out but bear in mind she is like a sister to me and I only want the best for her.

My cousin is 21 and has been with her DP (22) for just over a year, she has just started out as a lawyer and he works in IT and they're both currently earning around 25k each - both have promising careers ahead, probably her more so than him. She rang me earlier today and told me that they are planning on getting engaged/married within the next 1-2 years and then immediately to start trying for a baby.

AIBU to have told her that I think she's too young and she should wait?

OP posts:
Chunderella · 23/06/2013 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialsubject · 23/06/2013 19:46

her call. Most people change wildly between 18 and 22 so they will be well past that by the time they get married.

no worse odds than anyone else. Also means they will be empty-nesters in their mid-forties, good timing!

LongGoneBeforeDaylight · 23/06/2013 19:49

Chunderella I don't think there is, but you have to have done LLB/GDL and LPC, so would be hard pushed not to be 22. That said, I was 26 when I started...

Yes re getting pregnant during training contract - not ideal at all and best really to be a few years qualified to avoid being labelled as a woman who does her TC then gets pregnant and goes part time. Sadly this is not viewed v well in the law.

I started on 25k as a trainee in regions but at a large outfit.

Chunderella · 23/06/2013 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

melika · 23/06/2013 20:01

I think that she probably knows what she is doing, she must have thought it out. She would probably be mid twenties by that time and I don't think it is unreasonable to start a family with that income behind you. I would not interfere if I were you. (I have tried to read all the comments this time!)

JazzAnnNonMouse · 23/06/2013 20:03

Yabvu.
She sounds like theyre in a good position to have children.
Just because some people are immature in their 20's doesn't mean all are.

LongGoneBeforeDaylight · 23/06/2013 20:04

Chunderella yes true

And yes me too!! I know people at MC firms in London and people at legal aid firms. Think there are about 20 firms in my city which start trainees on 25-27k so is fairly standard for corporate/commercial region firms. That said, unless the OP's cousin is in London, if she is on 25k she is probably with a relatively large co who have funded her studies. Usually the trainees at these places are super ambitious. It's a long hard slog, being a trainee, and I wouldn't have wanted to take time out during it or right after it as you work so hard to get an NQ role and recognition.

SarahAndFuck · 23/06/2013 20:05

Well, she asked, you answered.

What did she say to your reply? Did she think you made a good point or did she tell you to mind your own, once she was aware of your feelings on the subject?

What's made you ask us?

Thymeout · 23/06/2013 20:17

This isn't a general thread about the best age to have children. It's specific to the career choice of OP's cousin. And from what posters in the legal profession have said, it would be better for her to wait a couple of years longer.

So no need at all for posters who had children young to feel under attack.

YANBU

HighInterestRat · 23/06/2013 20:20

I think it sounds sensible. Finish training, have few years off having children while young, fertile and healthy and have years ahead of you to establish career with no maternity leave(s) to balls it all up at the point where you are actually going to miss the money because you have a huge mortgage etc. More people should probably do it that way around.

Alisvolatpropiis · 23/06/2013 20:28

It was suggested to me at an open day by a member of the firm that as the tc's "worth having" weren't starting for a couple of years I might as well get having children out of the way beforehand.

MissBeehiving · 23/06/2013 20:35

What did he suggest that you do with the DCs after that Alis? 24hour nanny followed by boarding school Grin?

I understand that at one big commercial firm trainees can sleep in the office and are discouraged from going home at all. They have a Dr and dentist on site. They almost appear to be cannon fodder.

TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff · 23/06/2013 20:36

It's probably not the best career option for her, but it's her choice and her business. Having had friends working in similar circumstances, I know most of them thought that having a baby in those times would basically ruin their chances, and a couple more years or so would be a lot better.

Madratlady · 23/06/2013 20:41

Yabu, it's none of your business.

I met my dh aged 20, we married 18 months later and now after 2 years together I'm pregnant with our first dc. I'll be 23 when the baby is born.

I would be very offended if anyone felt it was their business to tell me that we shouldn't have got married or planned to have a baby just because I wasn't doing things the way they thought I should.

Alisvolatpropiis · 23/06/2013 20:43

MissBeehiving Grin

I didn't follow his advice funnily enough! That was only the year before last,dread to think what kind of advice is being bandied around to unsuspecting Lpc students now!

rockybalboa · 23/06/2013 20:46

Course YABU. Mind your own bloody business! If she's just started working as a lawyer then it's fair to assume that she has a fully functioning brain of her own. And even if she didn't it still would be absolutely none of your business. Oooh, your post has made me all prickly with rage!!

Hulababy · 23/06/2013 20:50

Not sure where people are quoting this years to qualify stuff.

I read it as the cousin has now finished her degree and solicitors exams, and is starting her training contract - which is two years. So not another 6 years if reading right - just another 2 years, throughout which she will be working as a solicitor and earning a salary.

Regardless of that I think she'd be better to wait a couple of years first tbh. If she wants to get a decent place after her training contract she needs to be in a position to work hard, long hours, be flexible, etc. in order to get herself known, and her position in a firm more fixed. Taking maternity leave so early in her career could well be a big barrier for her, especially in this this field where there is a lot of competition.

Hulababy · 23/06/2013 20:53

I assume the cousin must be about to turn 22y tbh though to have finished a degree and done the LPC. DH was 21y when he finished his, but turned 22y that summer.

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat · 23/06/2013 21:05

I'm having my first at 30, if I could go back in time I would have took the plunge years ago.

A couple of years into her career is a good time to have a baby. It is a long term plan, good for her.

TiredFeet · 23/06/2013 21:05

yabu. It sounds like she has thought things through, and maybe her priority is babies not her career. It is true that she would be wise to wait until she has qualified as you are more secure with even a little qualification experience under your belt, but I took two years out when I was only one year qualified at it didn't do me any harm at all (in my opinion!), in fact it was the best decision now as the career I have is family friendly so I have interesting work but it is part time and my manager is supportive of having a family (no hassle if ds is ill, for instance). She knows her priorities, and maybe that isn't the glittering career you think she should have, but just because you have 'potential' it doesn't mean you have to fulfil it in the way people expect. I am sure I could be earning £££££ in the city if I wanted to (I certainly had the academic qualifications to open those doors) but it wasn't what I wanted from life, I always knew I wanted to start a family when I was still (relatively young) and I have accepted the 'compromises' in my career that come it with that.

sarahtigh · 23/06/2013 21:09

also it is perfectly possible to be in university early by taking a levels early etc

it used to be a requirement in medicine that you could not graduate and register with GMC before 21/22 years old so you could not start medical school at 15/16 even though you might see a 14-16 year old at oxford doing maths at that age but it is highly unusual but starting uni at 17ish is not that rare

expatinscotland · 23/06/2013 21:24

She is planning to marry in '1-2 years time'.

I still don't see the issue. In 2 years she will have completed the training and be 24.

He is working on a good wage and will be her husband.

I don't see this as 'too young'.

Too young isn't mid-20s, married, good qualifications and jobs.

WTF?

Balaboosta · 23/06/2013 21:35

Haven't read all the thread but YANBU. There are ways of giving this kind of advice and perspective tactfully. Having a baby is a huge life change and young women are often naive about what's involved. I think it's valid for older women to gently introduce feminist perspectives about childbearing vs. career. I do give this kind advice but qualify it by saying that I personally have struggled with parenthood so I may not be the "best person" to talk to but... Followed by a dose of reality! But I can understand that some people feel yabu. It's not a clear situation but it depends on the relationship you have with the cousin.

Chunderella · 23/06/2013 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annunziata · 23/06/2013 23:02

I genuinely can't understand why you would think it's a bad idea. What more do you want them to have?!