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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my cousin that she should wait to have a baby

144 replies

AmadeusRocks · 23/06/2013 17:40

I am well prepared to be told that it's none of my business/to keep my nose out but bear in mind she is like a sister to me and I only want the best for her.

My cousin is 21 and has been with her DP (22) for just over a year, she has just started out as a lawyer and he works in IT and they're both currently earning around 25k each - both have promising careers ahead, probably her more so than him. She rang me earlier today and told me that they are planning on getting engaged/married within the next 1-2 years and then immediately to start trying for a baby.

AIBU to have told her that I think she's too young and she should wait?

OP posts:

CrapsWithBears · 23/06/2013 18:36

Did I not say I was responding to Chipping not the OP? Pretty sure I did. Does Chipping have some intimate knowledge of OPs cousin that I'm missing that means she's able to tell whether she's too young to have children? Oh right, no, she's basing it on the fact she is 22, that's it.

So basically you're telling me that I'm not allowed to be upset or take an insult aimed directly at MY age group personally and if I do it just means that I'm not secure in my choices?

ODFOD.

Alisvolatpropiis · 23/06/2013 18:37

TWO WEEKS?!

CrapsWithBears · 23/06/2013 18:38

I'm off to insult people and then tell them they're not allowed to take it personally. Laters.

MissStrawberry · 23/06/2013 18:39

She is talking about in the future FPS! She might change her own mind then.

YABU and it is none of your business and just because you say you only want the best for her does not give you carte blanche to stick your nose in. Butt out!

onedev · 23/06/2013 18:40

What's ODFOD? You do seem very defensive though Craps & it does beg the question why?

LongGoneBeforeDaylight · 23/06/2013 18:40

I'm a lawyer. You can't be less than 22 when starting training contract, as you need 3 year law degree plus 1 year LPC at least. Did she go to university before she was 18? Skip a school year?

apostropheuse · 23/06/2013 18:44

YABU. It's none of your business.

Mid twenties is when women are most likely to conceive. Biology isn't affected by a woman's career. Fertility drops after age 30 and reduces drastically after age 35, with the added complication of the increased likelihood of there being a problem with the baby.

It's a fairly modern phenomenon for woman to wait until later to ttc and when a woman decides to try in her twenties some people are aghast. Bizarre.

She is doing what is natural.

mrsjay · 23/06/2013 18:47

should wait for what exactly ? so in the next 2 or 3 years she will be 23/4 she will be starting to try they seem to know what they want to dyou think a 24 yr old is too young to have a baby when is the right age you are sticking your nose in not everybody wants to have an established career and loads of savings to start a family, perhaps she wants a family early so she can go back to work while she is still in her 30s and years ahead of her,

StealthPolarBear · 23/06/2013 18:47

Well she did ask, and you gave her your opinion so yanbu.
That said, I don't think they sound too young for children by any stretch of the imagination.

mrsjay · 23/06/2013 18:47

t's a fairly modern phenomenon for woman to wait until later to ttc and when a woman decides to try in her twenties some people are aghast. Bizarre.

also people seem to think 22 yr olds are still young adults they are not

Xmasbaby11 · 23/06/2013 18:48

I think your arguments are reasonable, and if you are close to your cousin, it's fine to tell her how you feel. YANBU.

TolliverGroat · 23/06/2013 18:50

If you have a July/August birthday you could easily finish your LPC before you turn 22.

StealthPolarBear · 23/06/2013 18:50

though I went to university before 18 - it does happen

mrsjay · 23/06/2013 18:51

she's too damn young, with too much potential to be doing this - but how often does 'being told not to' work? You have to be much more subtle!!

since when does babies hinder potential do you not like children or something are babies a bad thing or do you just think that people who chose to have babies young do not reach any potential, by the time this woman decides to have a child she could be 25 how is that too young

LongGoneBeforeDaylight · 23/06/2013 18:52

Yes Tolliver but still couldn't be a trainee at 21. Maybe for 1 day, if you started on 31 August!

MissBeehiving · 23/06/2013 18:52

I'm a solicitor. I wouldn't advise being pregnant/having a baby before finishing a TC and getting a year or so PQE. There are a lot of NQs out there at the moment without jobs, if she goes off on mat leave then sadly that will affect her chances of getting a permanent position.

scottishmummy · 23/06/2013 18:52

I simply wouldn't comment
I'd hope they'd weighed up pro/con and impact on finance,career
best for her isn't necessarily you wading in.on this its a personal not family choice

megsmouse · 23/06/2013 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummydarkling · 23/06/2013 18:55

Yes but biologically it is far easier to conceive mid 20s rather than mid 30s. Your wait until you are established advice may be very costly if she then needs assisted conception. I was expecting this cousin to be 16.

We will now be working until 68 plenty of time post kids.Yes I had mine in my 20s and I am a band 8a in the NHS but that is not my pride.

shufflehopstep · 23/06/2013 18:59

If she's 21 now and planning on getting engaged, married and then starting to try for a baby, it could be a few of years before she actually has a baby, by which time she'll be 23 -24 when she has her first and then maybe a second one a couple of years later so she might be 25 or 26. That's not too young to have a baby. Plenty of my friends had children at that age. By the time she turns 40, her children will be teenagers and her and her husband can still enjoy a social life. Rather than people like me who had children late as it took me longer to find someone I wanted to have children with.

foreverondiet · 23/06/2013 19:04

I think its ok to discuss this - rather than tell her.

I wouldn't do it over the phone, but rather face to face - and my angle would be:

a) see out your training contract before you start TTC
b) choose to qualify into a department with better work life balance
c) think carefully about when to TTC - might be better to wait until senior enough to i) go back part time and ii) to afford decent childcare (probably a nanny)

FWIW my sister in law ignored the advice, got pregnant on qualifying, took a year maternity leave, went back for a year working goodness knows what hours (often bringing work home and working until midnight at home), then had second baby (ie only back at work for one year), another year maternity leave, went back and only back for around 18 months before being make redundant at 7 months pregnant with her third - basically as they didn't see her as partner material as she just didn't / couldn't put in the hours - even though she put in 9-5.30 in office and 8-12 at home. As everyone else doing 9-12 (year 15 hours!) in the office! Magic circle firm though.

foreverondiet · 23/06/2013 19:07

Meant also to say that once she starts work she might see that working as a lawyer early in career and having babies is a hard combo.

LST · 23/06/2013 19:07

Anyone who thinks even 21 is too young to have a baby are being ridiculously unreasonable and patronising to boot.

Me and dp decided on trying for ds when I was 20. I fell pregnant straight away and had ds at 21. I am now pregnant with dc2 and I am shock horror only 23. I didn't realise that there was an age minimun to having children once you have the means to support them.

TolliverGroat · 23/06/2013 19:11

Isn't there an accelerated 7-month LPC available now? If so and you start that in August then you could potentially be in a training contract starting in March.

mrsjay · 23/06/2013 19:17

I had dd1 at at nearly 22 I am now 42

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