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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my cousin that she should wait to have a baby

144 replies

AmadeusRocks · 23/06/2013 17:40

I am well prepared to be told that it's none of my business/to keep my nose out but bear in mind she is like a sister to me and I only want the best for her.

My cousin is 21 and has been with her DP (22) for just over a year, she has just started out as a lawyer and he works in IT and they're both currently earning around 25k each - both have promising careers ahead, probably her more so than him. She rang me earlier today and told me that they are planning on getting engaged/married within the next 1-2 years and then immediately to start trying for a baby.

AIBU to have told her that I think she's too young and she should wait?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 23/06/2013 18:09

So that gives you the right to tell people when to have a baby, one? Who's to say she can't coordinate it? She sounds sensible and well, she will be in her mid-20s. She sounds like a planner. That's good.

Hardly a 14-year-old with no income and not in a stable relationship.

expatinscotland · 23/06/2013 18:11

I'm not trying to conceive, one. Far from it. My DH had a vasectomy years ago.

So let me start a thread, 'AIBU to tell people in their 40s they are too old to have a baby,' and make up a bunch of reasons. See how that goes.

CrapsWithBears · 23/06/2013 18:11

I wasn't responding to the OP I was responding to Chipping who suggested that OP's cousin was too young and had too much potential to have a child. I have a good career and I'm 23 with a 4 month old. It's pretty damn offensive to suggest that I'm too young to have a child.

MrsDeVere · 23/06/2013 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 23/06/2013 18:11

Yes, Craps, you are done for. Your potential is gone. You wrecked your life.

Lavenderhoney · 23/06/2013 18:15

Bugger all to do with you, keep your beak out. Don't project onto her.

You won't get an invite to the wedding at this rate- you'll be at home all cats bum mouth with only yourself to blame.

Give her a call and apologise, and hope she lets you get away with it..

onedev · 23/06/2013 18:16

That's making it far too personal - Craps, it's fab you have it all sorted & are managing baby & career & continuing to progress. It unfortunately doesn't happen for many that way & often having a baby does have a negative impact on women's career progress - don't get me wrong, I dont agree with that & it makes me angry, but circumstances with friends & acquaintances have all too often proved that to be the case. I'm glad that's not your experience & hope that continues to be the case.

MrsHoarder · 23/06/2013 18:18

YABU

She is planning to wait a couple of years. If you said she was 17, had just met a new bf and was ttc now then it would be reasonable, but they have jobs, they ar ethinking about it and would probably change their minds if the situation is worse than they expect.

Better than waiting until your 30s and risking difficulties with TTC IMO (not that either is wrong).

blackbirdatglanmore · 23/06/2013 18:19

Whatever your age, circumstances, income or home is like, if you say to people you want a baby there are always some who find reasons why you shouldn't have one.

Obviously some times there are good reasons for that but most of the time there's no problem, just other people's perceptions.

Incidentally I am going to have a baby in far less conventional circumstances (am a lot older though) and all most people have said is 'good luck'.

CrapsWithBears · 23/06/2013 18:19

That's making it far too personal.

How am I not meant to take that personally? She's saying people around MY age are too young to have children and I have a child!?

HotSoupDumpling · 23/06/2013 18:20

Wot Ali said.

I don't think it's anyone's place to advise someone on their life plans unless specifically asked. Unless you happen to be very close and word your advice very carefully.

But if it's relevant: A few of my friends in my intake at our law firm had babies or were pregnant during our training contracts. It is really really difficult. Your cousin won't have a permanent job and can be ditched without much reason after the two year training is over. Means there is lots and lots of pressure to impress and go the extra mile and 'win' a qualification place. Which is difficult to do when you are exhausted or sick or whatever. It's generally less stressful (not 'best' or 'sensible' but definitely less stressful) to wait until the two years are over and she hopefully gains a qualification spot I.e. a permanent job with all the maternity rights that go with it.

ExcuseTypos · 23/06/2013 18:21

Do people on here never give advice to close relatives about important decisions?

My family and friends do it all the time. No one needs to take the advice, but it's nice to have different opinions IMO.

MrsDeVere · 23/06/2013 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo · 23/06/2013 18:23

you know, this isn't as stupid as you think, she's going to wait until she's fully qualified and then start trying, so she'll be going off on mat leave at least 9 months after qualifying. This means she'll be entitled to any enhanced package her company has, she'll be junior enough that going part time for a couple of years will be a practical option for her employer, and she won't be under pressure to return to work in less than her full year. Her DC will be school age by the time she's early 30s.

She's not going to be able to do the stupid long hours a lot of contempories will, but I know so many solicitors who gave up work in their mid 30s after having DCs because they couldn't work parttime, it's not stupid to do it the other way round.

MrsDeVere · 23/06/2013 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreckledLeopard · 23/06/2013 18:25

I am a solicitor.

The only thing I'd say is that it would be a good idea for her not to get pregnant during her training contract and to wait until she is employed post-qualification. At the moment, retention of newly-qualified solicitors is going down more and more and I know of firms that will use any excuse not to keep their trainees on.

Once qualified and with a job though, then I know lots of solicitors who then get pregnant. In my view too, it's better to have a baby as a junior solicitor than as a senior associate. It won't necessarily damage your career in the same way it can when you're 5-6 years pqe.

Idrinksquash · 23/06/2013 18:28

YABVVVVU

I'm a 23 year old mother with a degree and an established career. You know that you're supposed to have kids at this kind of age right?

Too many women leave it too late and are devastated that they took their fertility for granted. I've seen older family members go through the heartache of fertility treatment, and as a result I would never tell anyone to wait. Especially if that's what they want.

hippohugger · 23/06/2013 18:28

YANBU to give her your opinion if she asked for it, or she was discussing it with you. I'd tell her to speak with some of the older women in her profession. Recently heard a prominent scientist (whose name I have shamefully forgotten) saying that she wished female scientists would have their babies EARLIER in their careers, as they can always come back and 'restart', but it's much harder when you're in your 30s and have more responsibility at work and more to lose if you take a few years off. So your cousin might be onto something here.

expatinscotland · 23/06/2013 18:29

You'd think she was 16 planning on having a kid before GSCEs.

Do I give advice on personal stuff like this to relatives? NO. If they asked, NO. Because it is NOT.MY.BUSINESS. One is responsible for one's own decisions.

And mid-20s is not too young to have children.

therumoursaretrue · 23/06/2013 18:30

YABU.

You do know plenty of women in their early and mid 20's have families and it doesn't stunt their potential right!?

I'm surrounded by young, professional women with thriving careers and horror of horrors...children.

onedev · 23/06/2013 18:30

Craps, the Op is specifically talking about her niece though, not you. No one knows your circumstances & given your DC is here, no one would pass comment - her niece isn't there yet & asked the Op for her advice. Surely though, if you were secure I your choices, you wouldn't feel so defensive??

AKissIsNotAContract · 23/06/2013 18:31

It's all relative I suppose. My MIL to be is telling me not to try for children after we're married as we are too young. We have good careers, own a house and I'll be 32 and DP 35 after the honeymoon.

Alisvolatpropiis · 23/06/2013 18:34

Idrink

Established career as a solicitor?

At 23 most are lucky if they're in their second year of training to become qualified. Once qualified there is no guarantee the firm you trained with will give you a permanent position,as has been previously stated they actively look for reasons not to in the current economic climate.

It's great you have a career but not all careers are achieved in the same way.

OP has actually offered good advice based on her relatives career of choice.
She suggested she wait until she was qualified and had a permanent position. I wouldn't advise anybody any different if they wanted to be a solicitor.

TolliverGroat · 23/06/2013 18:35

Xenia had her first baby at that age and point in her career, and after a high-flying legal career and an additional four babies she's now earning (approximately) all the money in the world and owns her own private island. But then she did go back to work after two weeks each time.

BeetleBugBaby · 23/06/2013 18:35

24 here with 2 kids! Anything wrong with that?

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