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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me, I am a truly awful Mother!

61 replies

peppapigmustdie · 21/06/2013 23:47

According to dd1 Grin because at the age of 13 she should be allowed to go to an all night beach party 25 miles from home.
All her friends in her Form class come from the same town as this beach is on, she is the only one from our City in her class.
I tried to compromise by saying she could stay in one of her friends houses or get the last train home and stay at my Mothers house which is 5 mins from the station ( DM would meet the train)
She has many issues which are undergoing CAHMS treatment at the moment and a huge part of these issues is feeling on the outside of life and in particular paranoia about her ( very lovely) friends secretly hating her. I have spoken to several of her friends parents and they are allowing their kids to go with a few of the parents doing regular patrols.
So aibu to say no, as all the other kids are only 10 mins or so from home but dd1 would be stuck after 10pm ( I don't drive or have any family that does either)
She is nearly 14 if that makes a difference ? Confused

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plieadianpony · 22/06/2013 00:04

Aggghhh..........an ALL Night beach party....13???!!..

If you let her go without there being any appropriate adult close by who is supervising this party and willing to take proper responsibility for her.
You are being a negligent parent. So no. You are not being awful at all!!!

Smilehappy · 22/06/2013 00:05

YANBU!!!

13 and all night party? Sounds like boys alcohol and trouble to me ConfusedConfusedConfused

Don't let her go... Blush
Or make sure she's home for a reasonable time!

lessonsintightropes · 22/06/2013 00:06

Didn't want to read and run but wowzer what an awkward situation for you. I would feel very uncomfortable about a 13 year old going to an all night beach party regardless of intermittent parental supervision, but get that she will feel excluded if all her friends are going, and that it does not help with her ongoing CAMHS issues.

However I do think it's pretty peculiar that all the other parents are totally okay about this and think it's a bit of a dereliction of duty on their part - what happens if they start drinking or smoking dope and one of them gets ill?

Regardless of how grown up they seem at that age, they are still kids, and I think an overnight is too much. Your idea about your DM picking her up sounds like a good suggestion, then she wouldn't feel left out. Maybe if it's not impossible, letting her get a taxi much later than you would normally let her stay out (say 11pm) to your DM's house if you can afford it? Then she wouldn't miss out, but you needn't worry about her wellbeing quite so much.

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/06/2013 00:22

Taxi is way beyond my budget, but could call in a favour and pay for petrol from a friend , but would feel so rude asking them to give up a Saturday night.
Trains run til 10 but the station is a 20 minute walk from the beach and I would worry how she was getting there.
The parents and other kids do this all the time in the Summer,small town all know each other.
I could always take a tent and camp around the corner with night vision binoculars Grin

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Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/06/2013 00:28

The parents and their older kids do this, I meant this would be the first of this year group. I just can't help feeling if she got drunk ( hasn't drunk yet) but a group setting and I was that age once eve though that is unfeasible to her Grin and know what can happen. She would be miles from home.

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aldiwhore · 22/06/2013 00:30

I went to an all night beach party (5 minutes from home) at nearly 14.

YANBU.

My mother never knew (not until last year, I'm now 39).

SINBU to want to go, I applaud her honesty for asking. You should not allow her to go.

I am glad my mum knew nothing about the party, glad for her, glad for me.

In your current situation, I think YABReasonable in trying to find a solution. Parties were very much secret in my day and I'm not sure it was a good thing (even with my romantic rose tinted backward looking glasses I can tell you it was probably not a good thing at all) I say, if you're looking for a balance, it your given situation, you best get the tent out. That to me is a decent solution.

If it helps. Your conundrum is something I applaud, I had to sneak out, mostly it was great but I got in major trouble one night. I applaud you because you acknowledge it's going to happen and are thinking how to make it happen safely.

Tent missus. Enjoy yourself whilst also being close enough (walking distance) for you dd.

lessonsintightropes · 22/06/2013 00:31

You are right to be anxious I think, it's a huge thing even if there's precedent with others doing it - she's your DD after all! Could you ask one of the parents who are supervising to walk her to the last train perhaps? Maybe she could be there from the start so she still got to have some of the party time? I remember full well being that age with super strict parents who would have never let me do this so think you are ace to consider how you can help her participate in a way which means she can be with friends but still stay safe. I agree it might be a bit much to ask a friend to give up a Saturday night to ferry her from A to B unless you could make it up to them with a nice meal at your house or something like that?

BeaWheesht · 22/06/2013 00:38

I wouldn't be letting her go even if we lived opposite the beach tbh. She's only 13.

YANBU

yummumto3girls · 22/06/2013 00:40

YANBU - all night, no way at 13, especially on a beach where boys, drink and the dangers of the sea when they decide they want a quick swim. No way would I let my DD walk alone at night or get a train alone at night, absolutely no way. Are you sure she's telling the truth here about everyone else being allowed to go, what is wrong with people!

libertychick · 22/06/2013 00:44

I would say no way - and while I appreciate that her CAMHS issues may create problems for her feeling excluded there is also the risk of her being badly hurt emotionally if things were to go wrong at the party ie a boy trying things on etc. I remember parties like this when I was a teenager (17/18) making me feel awful as people started playing strip poker etc and even though I really didn't want to feeling forced to join in. Her fear of being excluded may make her more likely to feel she can't say no to drink. drugs, sex etc. And as she is already vulnerable, a difficult incident at the party could actually make her feelings about things with her friends much worse.

Does she have a CAMHS key worker - how about discussing it with them if you are unsure?

FWIW I have a sister just one year older than her and difference in maturity between how she was a year ago and how she is now at 15 is astounding. Almost 14 is v v young and I would not allow a child that age to an all night party let alone a child with MH issues.

mum11970 · 22/06/2013 00:49

I have a 12 yr old dd and there's no way I'd be letting her go to an all night party on the beach and we live within a 10 minute walk of the beach. Ds1 is 15 and I've only just let him go camping on the mountain with his mates and, up to now, they've always abandoned it halfway through the night and come home.

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/06/2013 01:05

I have spoken to the parents of the Girls that I know, and they all have older children who have done this in the past.
It is viewed as a sort of rite of passage in this town apparently.
Good suggestion about trying to get a parent to walk her to the Station, if it didn't make her feel too singled out or feel like a baby. God I am in a quandary, she will not be staying all night though. Even though my teenage years are a good Twenty years ago I doubt very much things have changed so much re boys and alcohol.
Will ask my friend tomorrow if she will pick her up at Midnight, after careful monitoring by dds best friends Mum, in exchange for babysitting over night next week when she has a concert to go to.
Fair compromise? Hmm

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AudrinaAdare · 22/06/2013 01:07

Christ, no. No no no. Don't put her or yourself in the firing line.

DD has been asked if she is sexually active by doctors / gynaes / consultants ever since she turned twelve. It gives me the rage. She doesn't even go to sleepovers Angry

thebody · 22/06/2013 01:17

I feel your pain op, have dds 14 and 12 and my older lads were never do much worry.

Sounds like your last post was a great compromise.

It's so so bloody hard treading this line but have to say found out tonight from my dd and her friend some truly shocking things about another girl in their class. Think 13 and multiple sex partners and chlamidia!!!!

Honestly do what you think Is best for your child and you can bet that 'not everyone else is allowed to'

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/06/2013 01:23

the body my dd has also regaled me with stories of blow jobs and such like that is rife amongst her year group.
Glad as I am that she feels she can talk to me it also scares the shot out of me Shock Shock

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Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/06/2013 01:24

shit not shot!

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Solo · 22/06/2013 01:56

Apparently, blow jobs don't count as having sex these days.

I have been refusing my Ds (nearly 15) to go on sleepovers. I might feel better about it if I knew the boy and or his parent, but I doubt it. I recall an all night party and my parents thinking I was at my best friends place...and her Mum was in on that too!!

You are much nicer than me peppa.

Monty27 · 22/06/2013 02:01

No waaaayyyy (posted in 13 yo styleeeeeee).

Or.just.NO!!

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/06/2013 02:04

Solo I am not nice really, I like to think I try to tread the perilously thin line between strict and lenient, but certain things I find so difficult to call. I am a Single Mum ( no input from her Dad at all) so have to make all the calls.

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MorganMummy · 22/06/2013 02:08

I know I'm old (mid thirties) and I was never at the cutting edge of things, but at 13 me and my friends were having sleepovers with no alcohol, no boys, just videos and lots of junk food. It makes me really sad that things are like this now and goodness knows what they'll be like when my son is a teenager.

I think YAB very reasonable to try to find a solution and I hope it works out.

Monty27 · 22/06/2013 02:12

Peppa being a single mum has nothing to do with it. Your dd is a child and cannot make informed decisions for herself.

Say NO!!

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/06/2013 02:12

Morgan that is how all her weekends are currently spent. This is a huge departure and a sad one for me Sad

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Monty27 · 22/06/2013 02:15

Peppa don't be sad, be serious and sensible.

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/06/2013 02:15

Monty I realise that but taking into consideration her MH issues it would be nice to have someone else to decide on a reasonable compromise with. That is all I meant by that post.

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Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/06/2013 02:16

Monty already a no way to overnight.

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