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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me, I am a truly awful Mother!

61 replies

peppapigmustdie · 21/06/2013 23:47

According to dd1 Grin because at the age of 13 she should be allowed to go to an all night beach party 25 miles from home.
All her friends in her Form class come from the same town as this beach is on, she is the only one from our City in her class.
I tried to compromise by saying she could stay in one of her friends houses or get the last train home and stay at my Mothers house which is 5 mins from the station ( DM would meet the train)
She has many issues which are undergoing CAHMS treatment at the moment and a huge part of these issues is feeling on the outside of life and in particular paranoia about her ( very lovely) friends secretly hating her. I have spoken to several of her friends parents and they are allowing their kids to go with a few of the parents doing regular patrols.
So aibu to say no, as all the other kids are only 10 mins or so from home but dd1 would be stuck after 10pm ( I don't drive or have any family that does either)
She is nearly 14 if that makes a difference ? Confused

OP posts:
Monty27 · 22/06/2013 02:17

Peppa I'm a single parent too, it's your decision, you are responsible for her wellbeing. I know its hard.

I'm quite liberal with my dc's, they are teens too, but that would be a big fat NO from me.

MorganMummy · 22/06/2013 02:19

peppa I think her being honest with you is good though and shows a strong relationship. There is such peer pressure and need to fit in at that age but I do think that trying to be understanding and communicative can help so much to make it an easier time (speaking as a teacher, which is much easier as they're not my babies!). A lot of parents would dismiss this party out of hand or be swayed to go along with it as is, I think finding a middle ground is much harder than either and your dd will appreciate it one day.

Monty27 · 22/06/2013 02:20

Peppa I'm just thinking of your own wellbeing too. She might actually thank you for it one day when she hears the horror stories of the party that night?

I'm not criticising, I'm empathising, I love my dc's to have a great time, but there's limits. :)

MorganMummy · 22/06/2013 02:28

Oh and I would be no way to overnight, no way to unsupervised at all before then (I think maybe unsupervised at 16 plus is okay), so if none of the parents will be there all the time, I suppose personally I would say no to the whole thing. Hypothetically of course as I have no experience of my own dc being a teenager.

Even as an overall sensible, hard-working, university-attending 21 year old I seemed to think it reasonable to wade out into the sea in the middle of the night in Greece after getting good and drunk in a nightclub. I'm sure with sillier companions or a less safe beach things could have been less safe. The problem is young people + drink/drugs = even more sense of immortality than they already possess through their age.

piprabbit · 22/06/2013 02:33

If you are still looking for a (non-overnight) compromise, could you travel to the beach party with your DD then arrange to have a coffee with one of her friend's parents before collecting her from the party yourself and then both of you going home on the train and sleeping at your mum's.

If you have more than one DC, perhaps the others could be dropped at your mum's on the way out and then you would all be together overnight?

It's a lot of upheaval and effort, and not something I'd be keen to do, but you seem keen toreassure her that she isn't being excluded from her friendship group.

amazingmumof6 · 22/06/2013 02:34

I would not let her go. end of

I'm happy to be an awful, but responsible mother.

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/06/2013 02:56

piprabbit that could work, dm would have dd2 in a heart beat' Will put it to to dd1 tomorrow. Thanks Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/06/2013 02:58

I knew Mumsnet would help Grin

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 22/06/2013 04:50

No way are you unreasonable! Except to your 13 year old but that's bound to happen :D

I'd say no. No, no and thrice no.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 22/06/2013 05:14

YABTU (You are being totally unreasonable)

Love,

Hellhas aged 13 and 3/4.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 22/06/2013 05:17

I'd settle for a compromise like yours. My dd is now in her 20s and has since confessed that there were times she was glad we said no, it was OK to tell her friends her 'wicked' parents wouldn't let her go to something but it was not cool to admit she wasn't going because she felt out of her depth and didn't want to go.

imademarion · 22/06/2013 09:13

You sound absolutely lovely and the fact your DD talks to you and asks your permission is testament to your fan parenting skills.

So hard on your own to know the right thing to do.

Sounds like you have a couple of compromises up thread that could work.

Yes to compromise, no to out all night.

Sallyingforth · 22/06/2013 09:26

If this was a closed location it might not be so bad. But on a beach there are no boundaries. Strangers could join in. Kids could wander off. Even an adult supervisor can't watch all of them all the time. This is a potential tragedy.

TarkaTheOtter · 22/06/2013 09:57

I wouldn't be worried about alcohol, drugs or sexual interaction specifically (they can and probably will get up to that anywhere) I would be worried about them swimming and drowning.

ParadiseChick · 22/06/2013 10:08

I would let her go until ten, transport issues aside. It's there a local pub you can chill in until train time?

ParadiseChick · 22/06/2013 10:11

Also is there a reason she's at a school so far from home? I only ask as these things will come up more and more. I grew up a 15 minute drive from the town I went to school in, the town all my mates lived, with an awful bus service. It was a bloody nightmare. I had to rely on lifts or how that someone would wait an hour with me until the next bus home. I couldn't just pop our to meet my mates like my friends did, I hated it! K views not to our our dc s through the same.

ParadiseChick · 22/06/2013 10:12

I vowed not to put our dcs through the same

MerryOnMerlot · 22/06/2013 12:05

No way I would let a 13 yr old DS go to that party and DEFINITELY not a 13 tr old DD.

My DS went to his first ever house party last night - he's 14. Parents were there and it finished at 10.30. All night on a beach - no fucking way!

loopyluna · 22/06/2013 16:49

Same here. My 13 year old went to a house party til 11.30 last week. It was a 5 minute walk from home at friend's house (he's known since nursery) and the parents were home! He thought this was the height of grown-upness!

No way I would let him go to an all night party. Anywhere. Added worry of beach -sea -no closed boundries.. [faints]

Surprised that the other parents condone (encourage) this? If that is the case, I'd look for compromise but still definitely not all night.
Surely she wouldn't be the only one leaving early?

Whatever you decide, good luck. Hope it works out well and make sure to report back for future reference!

ParadiseChick · 22/06/2013 16:58

There are always teens "partying" on our local beach. It involves them powering at each other through long fringes with hands thrust into their hoodies, kicking sand and making the occasional grunt. The boys might try to get a fire going, the girls try to stop their hair getting blown about and they listen to crap music through a phone.

When living in the coast it becomes normal, you lose the urge to drown or wander about and get lost! Teens can cope with open spaces!

ParadiseChick · 22/06/2013 16:58

Powering should be glowering

Solo · 22/06/2013 17:28

Peppa I too am a single parent with no input from either of my Dc's fathers. My Dd is only 6, so I have a few years yet with her...

Ds has little to no respect for me; I'm a 'great Mum' when he gets what he wants but OMG! I'm the devil incarnate if I use the word 'NO' to him. I know exactly what you mean about that fine line btw; it's good guy, bad guy and most of the time, I feel like the trodden down guy, the disrespected guy...to everyone else, he's 'a great Son you have there! you should be proud' but he likes other people to see him as a lovely boy and to me/with me he couldn't care less.
He too was under CAMHS a few years ago, but decided he didn't want to be anymore and if I was truthful about that, I'd tell you that I was glad because I was scared about what he might say and about how terrible my parenting skills might look :( Blush

It's hard being the parent and you totally have my sympathy.

I still would not let my teen go to an all nighter and even a time restricted party if it was unsupervised by responsible adults (read that as parents ) and I'd have to drop off and pick up or have someone do it for me.

It's a minefield this parenting lark. How much easier would it be to share the problems, ups and downs and decisions with someone else...

Good luck pepper I hope it works out ok for you.

teenagetantrums · 22/06/2013 17:42

I would say no to that with my 16 year old, in your position it is hard to make a compromise, can she stay at a friends house who is near the party would her friends parents be responsible for her, really beaches, water and unsupervised teenagers sounds like a nightmare to me, and im quite a slack mum I don't normally say no, my DD also has issues and has been treated by Cahms.

edwardsmum11 · 22/06/2013 17:47

At 16, maybe, but at 13, no way.

TheFallenNinja · 22/06/2013 18:32

There is no tantrum, foot stamping or hissy fit a teenager could muster that would make me allow this.

Say yes to this at your peril, if your first answer was no, that should be your last answer.

Bigger picture, it's not like they're going to be the only people on the beach in this rite of passage. Random patrols by unknown parents really wouldn't ease my mind.

How many times do we see tragedies happening at these thing? All too many.

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