to be a sham even though I can't afford it?

[Picoo]

I would really like to stay at home with my DS I don't really enjoy my job and I would like to be a full time mummy. The thing is we could only just about afford it. We would have to pay interest only on our mortgage, give up insurance such as health and maybe house insuranc my husband would have to work longer hours, etc. We would be pretty poor, and we have zero savings, but at least I would be with DS.

Is it crazy to live a poor existence but be there for DS, or should I go back to work and be more financially secure?

I'm lazy Arisbottle, lazy, antisocial and easily pleased. I think that makes me a good SAHM - I miss work, but I quite like lazing about too but l see it quite pragmatically as me looking after DS as a full time job (albeit an easy and lovely one) - doing activities and outings with him, planning his day, stimulating or comforting him, fresh air... I just want to be the one, y'know, bringing him up I don't want to say o toddlers are hard work and boring, so I'll bugger off to work. I bet if you asked your toddlers, they'd rather less holidays and have a parent around for them...

Ickle - I'd never express my opinion on it irl tbh as I wouldn't want to offend people, and I'm sorry if anyone's offended but everyone posting seems pretty confident slagging off being a SAHM so I feel it's ok to say how I feel - yes it's only my opinion and I have no proof, but I do believe that it is best for toddlers to be cared for by a parent wherever possible. And everyone I know who puts their baby into nursery when the parent could be looking after them, does so because they want a break. And they all say it's for the children's benefit too. I know two childminders who used to work in nurseries and they both say they would never, ever send an under-3 to a nursery setting...

Isn't life & buildings insurance required by your mortgage company?

Yes, this (in the case of Buildings insurance, certainly).

No future, no house (if you're paying interest only), mostly absent father (working more hours) - what is it you're exactly providing for your children?

It sounds like you're going to put your family at risk (of losing your house, severe financial insecurity) just because "...at least I would be with DS." Sounds pretty selfish to me.

Plenty of families exist in poverty, but I doubt many of them consciously place themselves in that situation.

I do all of those things (albeit in the evening & weekend) Amazing plus I get to take DD on a 4 week camping/travelling holiday from the north to south of France this summer on top of all the other mini-breaks throughout the year.

I know this is getting off the OP's point but your last post made it sound like working mums are the work of the Devil.

Not the work of the devil.

SAHMs are being explicitly called selfish on this thread, selfish for putting their desire to look after their own child above material wealth and 'stuff' and holidays. I'd quite like a life of holidays and designer handbags - but when I think I'd have to hand DS over to someone else, my little boy who's still a baby really, I have a renewed sense of why this is worthwhile. And god, it's not forever. If you can't stop working for a few years when your kids are tiny, IMO your priorities are wrong.

Icklems- agree totally. My children were happy, secure and stimulated at their cm and then their nursery. I worked 3 days a week when they were pre school- and yes, they were equally happy and stimulated on their days with me too- it's not about one being 'better' than the other, it's about achieving an overall balance which the whole family is happy with.

My comment about 'running away' from a job has been a taken out of context. I didn't say becoming a SAHM is running away. It's a perfectly valid choice if it suits what you want, it's affordable and your partner is happy too. But the OP mentioned not enjoying her job, and I personally don't think that's a great reason to decide to become a SAHM. Far better to aim for an enjoyable and fulfilling career, so that if you ever decide to give it up, you're doing it from a position of strength.

And as for the stories about friends who used to work in ofsted outstanding nurseries who morph into SAHM who would never in a million years put their child in those god awful places they worked in... Yeah yeah , we've heard that tired old scare mongering plenty of times. Those of us WOHM who have older teenage children know perfectly well that our children are happy and secure and completely undamaged by having parents who work. Still, it's not a very nice thing to post, because parents with younger children who are still in the midst of the nursery years could feel quite vulnerable to such nastiness

Anyway to return to the OP... By all means become a SAHM If you and your partner feel its right BUT it sounds like you would be taking a massive financial risk, putting a heap of pressure on your partner to be sole provider, and personally I would prioritise getting a job where you're happier and perhaps cutting hour.

It doesn't have to be work 80 hours a week or not work at all and not even have house insurance (which is mad btw).
If you want so much to be SAHM and you don't have the money cant you do 2 evenings pw bar work or weekend shifts, or nanny with own child, or cleaning for 2 houses per week?

I would do anything to pay for house insurance and a bit on the side for extra bills otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep.

Yes, agree, house insurance is a no brainer. You are actually laying your children open to being very vulnerable if you cut corners on this sort of scale.
We're not talking working to afford holidays abroad or designer handbags here ( and once again , those are unpleasant tired old cliches anyway). We're talking a basic financial safety net.
If you really can't bear working any longer you need to at least get some part time shifts to cover those sorts of costs

I'm not meaning to be nasty janey - but I'm clearly in a massive minority here, it seems to be the norm to go back to work, to use nursery settings. I was going to go back to work and doing the research, realised I just couldn't bear to put DS into nursery. I didn't make up the two childminders who said they wouldn't put their own under 3s into nursery, I'm actually being restrained and not posting the awful stories they told me! It might be easier to believe that nursery care is just as good as parental care, it might assuage guilt - but it's not equal. And my DS deserves the best I can give him. I'm a liberated modern feminist woman and it pisses me off that it wil undoubtedly be hard for me and other SAHMs to get back to work after a few years at home, but going back to work when you have small babies isn't IMO the answer. My career will span what 50yrs? If I thought nursery care was good I'd use it, but I absolutely categorically believe toddlers need to be with their parents. I don't think anyone can persuade me otherwise, regardless how gregarious the toddler. If you need to work - fine, if you love work and aren't willing to give up for your toddler - fine, but don't kid yourself its good for them. Different for older kids but not toddlers.

"It's not 'running away' from a job to decide to become a SAHM!"

It absolutely is exactly that for some people. Obviously not for you, great, but there are plenty of people out there who do that and are relieved to have an excuse to give up work and the pressure of a career.

Amazinegg- I don't think it's matters if you're in a minority or not. You've found what works for your family. Don't assume to know what works for everyone else's.
I am not telling you that your child would be happier or better if you worked, so please don't try to suggest that other people's children would be happier or better if their parents stopped working.

My children are teenagers now. I know first hand that they are secure and happy and doing fine. I suspect they would be fine if I'd been a SAHM too. It's just that on balance, being able to always keep my career going has been better for our family as a whole

Ok, I think I'd better leave the thread as I don't want to upset or annoy anyone and not in the mood for a bunfight really! The problem is that I don't see SAH and WOH as equal choices. They're just not. A SAHP is IMO always the best thing for the kid - obviously if the mother feels she would prefer to work/ has to work then that is the choice each family has to deal with, but I can't accept that it's a 'different strokes for different folks' type thing. I have made substantial career and financial sacrifices to be here for my DS, and I wouldn't have bothered if I thought it made little difference to him. I know it's by far the best thing - whether people choose to make it a priority or not is up to them but I can't stand this assumption that it makes little difference. It's a massively beneficial thing for a toddler. Sorry if anyone's upset by my posts, but again I really feel like all the WOHMs posting have convinced themselves that t doesn't matter whether they look after their kids or if a nursery nurse or two or three does. Fine - if you're happy with your choice - but I totally disagree.

Goodness, it's been a while since I've come across such a closed-minded attitude!

Was that to me flowery?

I'm not kidding myself or feel guilty about DD's nursery care. I love DD, she brings me joy I never thought existed til I became a mother but a mother is only part of who I am. I've worked since I was 14, through school, college & uni, I love the mental stimulation of teaching & don't want to give that up. I'm also in a position of responsibility & don't want to forgo that either. It's not needing to work, or that I'm expected to, I want to!

I don't criticise SAHM, like I've said up thread I have friends who have postponed their careers til their DCs are in school, but that's not for me. I just don't want to be criticised for my choices. Ultimately DD will be happy because she sees a happy mummy & daddy!

I was a f/t WOHM used a nursery for DD1 and SAHM for younger 4 DCs. All DC are doing well. DC1 is 16, youngest is 4. However DD1 went to a great non profit nursery with mature qualified staff with their own children attending. I still wasn't happy though (loved the work had great prospects etc but hated leaving DD-she never settled really) and left to be SAHM when I had DD2. However my DH doesn't have to work extra hours, he only does 39 hrs a week but the hours chop and change at the drop of a hat and he could be required to go away also. There is no way I could work around that. That was another reason I didn't go back p/t. Luckily I am very happy to be a SAHM although it took an initial adjusting period. I have always studied and help the odd time in school though so get some 'escape' time.

SM you always say precious moments (in a sarcastic way) but that is another thing for me. I lost 4 babies; 2 stillborn and to me I can't describe how it felt to have a living child/children. I couldn't have physically left them after that. Everything else seemed worthless. hard to explain. I am studying now to finish a degree and then considering career change/restart when DC5 is a little older. However after years of being able to put DC's first I would find it hard to miss school events etc. So not sure. But good to have options open as you never know what might happen.

I think it is very hard to find the right balance, either way you lose out on something. As long as the DC and parents happy I am sure DC will turn out OK.

flowery To my mind it doesn't really matter if someone is 'running away' from their job. I haven't ever found a career that fulfils me entirely. I have enjoyed some of my paid employment. However I couldn't quite get away from feeling like a 'wage slave'.

I realise I say this from a very privileged position in that we can afford for me not to work at the moment. However I sometimes think women feel a societal pressure to work, when it really does not make them greatly better off. Their wages often barely cover child care and an extra family car. This must be a very individual thing, regarding the finances, because a lot say they can't afford not to work.

I wouldn't attempt to judge them at all. As mothers we are made to feel guilty at every turn. So what if a woman would rather work or stay at home with the children? Neither of these decisions in isolation make a good or bad mother.

Completely agree with Amazingg. I personally would not have any child under the age of 1 in a nursery for 8 hours a day as I don't see how it can possibly be beneficial for them.

I also do not see the point in paying some one else the vast majority of my paycheque to do my job of looking after my children and as I was on a low income anyway sahm was always the the better financial option for us.

I find it ironic that posters are so adamant on here that being a sahm is so shit,yet these very same posters often say on similar threads that being a sahm is a "luxury" that they wish they could afford...

"To my mind it doesn't really matter if someone is 'running away' from their job."

Yes I absolutely agree with you there. daftdame And if a woman feels she wants to do that, and can afford to do so, then it probably is the best decision for that family.

Amazingg yes that comment was in response to your post just above mine. I genuinely find your attitude astonishing.

Flowery - ok, do you think I'm wrong? Do you think that it is equally good for a child to be in nursery as being cared for by a parent? Or is nursery a necessary evil to allow the parent to work? Is it so good that I should sign DS up instead of me looking after him and planning activities and outings based on his needs and mood? My view is that parent care is better than nursery or cm care - I don't see what's so astonishing about that view tbh. I don't dispute the right of women to rtw if they want/need, but let's not kid ourselves it's for the benefit of the kids.

We're not saying being a SAHM is shit.
I've no doubt I would have been pretty contented as a SAHM. I only worked part time anyway until the kids were in school, and I thoroughly enjoyed my non work days. It's simply the case that I enjoyed my work days too! It's not a black and white issue of either loving work and hating home, or loving home and hating work. Which is why many of us want to have a balance in our lives and have both

Tbh I think the most judgemental and narrow minded view on here is the one saying being a SAHM is better for all children.
Consider what is best for your own family and stop fretting about everyone else's!

Janey that was all about how you felt, what you wanted. Not how your kids felt or what they wanted.

I really miss work, of course I do - but I am willing to make that sacrifice.

Janey, you pur that perfectly! In total agreement with you.

No one on this thread has said being a SAHM is shit in fact lots of SAHM have come on to say they themselves wouldn't do it in the op's situation.

*put