to be a bit upset that DH wants almost the entirety of my paycheck?

[izchaz]

This is likely to be long, so skip if you're not in the mood for an opus:

I have just started a new job after 6 agonising months of waiting for NHS Admin to get their arses into gear and get all my work-ducks in a row. In that time I have not been earning as I was deeply unhappy in my last job, so left as soon as it was confirmed I would be getting my new job (with DH's 100% blessing, he hated my old job more than I did).
When I finished my last job I didn't expect the gap between finishing one and starting the next to be longer than 6 weeks, but it became increasingly protracted as the Admin goalposts got moved time and again.
So for 6 months I have been financially dependent on DH, consequently I have been very frugal, initially living on savings, then on £150 pounds a month that he gave me to cover bills and student loan repayments. At every point in that time I have been feeling guilty and have done everything to keep costs down - I have not socialised or driven my car for 6 months, I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant) and have generally been filling my time with free or cheap productive past times.
I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances before the baby comes (after xmas)" this is to go on until I go on matt leave.
Now I'm a first time mum, but from what I've seen of maternity wear etc, I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
I feel I should add DH makes a little over 20k a year, he owns our house and we live a fairly sparse lifestyle, our major outgoing is his commute, which is about to halve when we move next week, whilst mine will treble to over an hour.

So AIBU to be a bit upset that my first paychecks in 6 months and my last paychecks of relative financial freedom before I become a mum are going to go back to DH? Or should I just be happy that he supported me through the last 6 months and get over "my money" "his money" and just accept that this is the way married life is?

I was added to my husbands existing bank account when we moved in together. He picked up the relevant form from the bank and we filled it is as necessary. Then I dropped it in another day. At no point did we both have to go to the bank together.

It is perfectly possible to open bank accounts online and drop in the required ID at a later time.

I hope this is not real..

sorry - not interested in ins and outs of finances, you are a family. you dont 'cost' him anything things cost . thats it

your combined wages shoudl pay bills. anything surplus should be divided equally.

that he should tell you you can 'only have' anyhing indicates either

1. you are too stupid to caluclate your own finances or/and 2)he controls the money

tell him to do one

I'd be more mad at your employers for cocking about for 6 months tbh.

I am just trying to put myself into the mindset of somebody who would happily confiscate the majority of the disposable income of somebody they supposedly loved, and who would be happy to see them go without just for the sake of getting back what was 'theirs'. I can't.

Am I reading a different thread. If the OP should hang on to her non existent wages - then is the husband supposed to just suck it up and continue paying for everything as he has done while she has carte Blanche to do as she likes?

I really am last here. And I don't believe there wasn't at least bread or cereal in the house to eat.

he hated my old job more than I did

I have been financially dependent on DH

DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances

he owns our house

our major outgoing is his commute

Which one of these statements doesn't portray your husband as controlling ? Fair is if you earn 1/3 of the income, you pay 1/3 of the outgoings and you own 1/3 of the assets and are responsible for 1/3 of the debts. Normal for a family is to not be so pedantic and an equal division of all regardless of who earns what and it's generally the woman who earns less but contributes more to the family members and the household which brings the fairness back to an extent.

Neither normal nor fair is your husband's view of supporting, or rather not supporting, his pregnant wife. You really need to get this sorted before the baby comes. Have you considered how he's going to feel about supporting you financially during maternity leave ?

I also cannot put myself in the mindset of someone who would restrict themself to one meal a day in an effort to "not rock the boat"

I would be hollering my fucking head off

unless I was in an abusive and controlling relationship, of course

Op tells us not, though

a bit of a contradiction there, IMO

But the point is the money is to go towards household expenses and not for your DH to squander on whatever men squander things on. I know some couples do manage quite well with separate accounts but it doesn't seem to be working in your case. This my money and your money is I think hopeless especially if you are on maternity leave.

It sounds as if you're both on quite a tight budget which isn't easy. And you shouldn't have been paying your student loan when you weren't earning.

The way he refers to you filling the hole in "his" finances makes it sound like you are two single housemates rather than a married couple.

What little we have goes into one bank account, it used to be both of our full time wages, then maternity pay, then for a few months, nothing from me at all, until baby was a few months and I started going out to teach in the evenings part-time.

Not once have I ever been made to feel like the money in the account is somehow less mine or that I'm somehow indebted to the account.

I'd feel very uncomfortable with my husband if I thought that was his view of things.

Everything needs to be discussed and agreed on really so there's no resentment. Laying down terms isn't the way to run things.

I don't want to bang on about it and I can only speak from my own experience but because having a stake in the home I live in in so important to me, I just want to say this again. I have a not so irrational fear of being homeless.

When I married my husband, I was working but didn't have a bean in savings or assets. He owned a home, put it on the market and we bought another, the equity in his first home was a substantial deposit and he got a mortgage for the rest of it. I didn't put in a penny either for deposit or for the mortgage but my name was on the deeds. It was not in Scotland but surely, your husband can put your name on the deeds. If he has the mortgage already, how can it make any difference in that sense? Anyway, why do you have a mortgage advisor of your own? What was the need for that?

I love my husband and I didn't marry him for his money but I could not have rested easy if I had no say about the roof that I lived under and once I had a child, it became even more important. I would sort that out before anthing else.

Has he calculated how much you'll cost him on mat leave? How long will you be paying him back for that?

Ok I'm wondering:

Why a person would give up an NHS salaried role for a zero hours contract and then wait around for 6 months for it to start - whilst ttc so effectively limiting and losing much decent maternity entitlements.

How any NHS paperwork gets so screwed up as to delay for that long and the post still be needed

How a couple earning between them perhaps £40,000 , half of which is not certain, can have assets tied up in a property that they cannot extricate AND afford to buy another house based solely on the £20,000 income of the party. The mortgage company will ask btw if any dependants are living there. If your husband doesn't tell them you are I think they would view that as fraud.

Why on a thread about your relationship with your husband you wouldn't mention a previously quoted fact that he had a long standing affair.

Something is seriously up on this here thread.

OP
I'm the first girlfriend (now wife) he's ever successfully live with, and not because I take a lot of flak either)

[Hmm] I remember your earlier threads. I think you have an unusual view of what is a successful marriage.

You DH sounds awful.

I don't know why you would chose to have a child with him.

I hope it's not real, either, but having been the sole wage earner for 5 years, I just don't get all this 'I cost him', I need to pay him back and shit.

I mean, DH and I, we are a team. We are people who love each other and have children together, not flatmates who borrow money from each other.

Swings and roundabouts, not pounds and pence.

I mean, separate food?

And to all those telling her she needs to bring along breakfast and lunch, so does he!

Sorry, but I wouldn't go along with that commute. There would needs be a compromise, but that doesn't seem to be a word in your relationship.

'For better or worse, though I will hold my support during any worst times against you and expecting payback'.

Agree with you expat. What is the point of marriage if you don't share? WTF? There have been a few threads like this here lately.. I've never heard about anyone having these kinds of arrangements in real life marriages. It's just all shared. Why would you deny your spouse (male or female, working, SAHM, whatever), who you presumably love, trust and want to spend your life with, life's little luxuries or FOOD, FFS? Why degrade them and make them ask for money? It's a marriage, not a flat-mate arrangement! He obviously doesn't love you enough, OP, and sounds a bit unhinged, as well.

I'm late to the thread, but I have to add something of my own for you OP.
My DH voluntarily left work THE DAY we got married (I agreed of course!) After a year spent gaining an MBA he was unable to get work that he wanted (but was offered work and turned it down), so I continued to support him, the house, the bills, food, heat, light, cars... everything even whilst pregnant. I supported him through a year of unemployment and continued to support him through a law degree and Legal Practice Course. He is now a solicitor...and it is my turn...I have left a really well paid job to become a student again. My point is, I have never asked for a penny back. In fact, where would we start? I love my husband more than money, so I have never even attempted to keep score.

I really feel for you OP, that you feel that there should be a score to keep. Times might be tough, they were for us. Unemployment is difficult enough to cope with without a resentful spouse, and was he really so clueless that he didn't realise that he provided no food for you during the day? Loving spouses share what resources they have...and count no cost. I think it is a time for a real heart to heart - at least then you will know where you stand.

Its not 'his finances' it is yours jointly.You weren't spending 'his' money it was your money.All the money should be pooled and you each spend what you need. What a shocker your husband sounds [I am only on page one so maybe he will have a miraculous transformation when I press post].

Why couldn't you tell him you didn't have enough food? That's very sad that you felt unable or unwilling to tell him.

Why did you not just go to the shop? Are you very isolated, or are you kept isolayed. Did you not have any money?

Your DH does sound controlling. You say he's not. If he's not controlling, and is in fact a good bloke, then why didn't you speak up, or else just take action to feed & look after yourself?

Isolated

Stupid bloody phone

You canbe on the deeds of the house without being on the mortgage. I AM. I'm a SAHM.

The pair of you need to sit down and talk about finances sensibly. Point out how little food you had and make a plan together how to save for the baby. If this isn't possible, leave.

I know this sounds harsh but if you are moving to see more of his mother who has terminal cancer, is it really the right move?

If its terminal, in the not too distant future she won't be around and is it really the place you want to be for the foreseeable?

It all seems a bit knee-jerk and self centred on his part to me. Renting to be closer to her is one the but buying somewhere is quite another.