to be a bit upset that DH wants almost the entirety of my paycheck?

[izchaz]

This is likely to be long, so skip if you're not in the mood for an opus:

I have just started a new job after 6 agonising months of waiting for NHS Admin to get their arses into gear and get all my work-ducks in a row. In that time I have not been earning as I was deeply unhappy in my last job, so left as soon as it was confirmed I would be getting my new job (with DH's 100% blessing, he hated my old job more than I did).
When I finished my last job I didn't expect the gap between finishing one and starting the next to be longer than 6 weeks, but it became increasingly protracted as the Admin goalposts got moved time and again.
So for 6 months I have been financially dependent on DH, consequently I have been very frugal, initially living on savings, then on £150 pounds a month that he gave me to cover bills and student loan repayments. At every point in that time I have been feeling guilty and have done everything to keep costs down - I have not socialised or driven my car for 6 months, I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant) and have generally been filling my time with free or cheap productive past times.
I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances before the baby comes (after xmas)" this is to go on until I go on matt leave.
Now I'm a first time mum, but from what I've seen of maternity wear etc, I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
I feel I should add DH makes a little over 20k a year, he owns our house and we live a fairly sparse lifestyle, our major outgoing is his commute, which is about to halve when we move next week, whilst mine will treble to over an hour.

So AIBU to be a bit upset that my first paychecks in 6 months and my last paychecks of relative financial freedom before I become a mum are going to go back to DH? Or should I just be happy that he supported me through the last 6 months and get over "my money" "his money" and just accept that this is the way married life is?

I think the 64,000 dollar question is WHY she didn't feel she could say something about being virtually starved

Can you open a joint account online? Must be a way.

Guilty Female Syndrome.

Where you feel unnecessarily responsible and guilty for no real reason, and don't want to put anyone out and don't want to be greedy or seen as demanding.

Many people are oblivious to the countless little sacrifices that so many make along the way.

I don't earn a salary and when DH and I applied for our mortgage and bought our home, I wasn't earning, my name is still on the deeds of the house. I made sure they were.

I don't know where you got your info from regarding this but I think you need to start finding out where you stand and what you are entitled to.

You do not need to earn anything to co-own your house. Your DH has a mortgage based on his wages. You don't need to provide anything financially.

Eyeunderarock is right, I didn't tell him that I was cutting the amount I was eating so we could eat together. And my 250 a month would in future cover food for me whilst I work (which on a 12 hour shift is proving to be about the equivalent of an entire loaf of bread in sarnies) and whatever household necessities he doesn't remember to pick up. He buys his breakfast and lunch on the way to work, so we only eat together once a day, less if I'm working nights.

There's no reason the OP's name can't go on the feeds regardless of her employment status.

There's no reason they can't get a joint bank account.

The whole thing sounds unequal.

Ok I think this entirely depends on the DPs attitude.
I don't think he's necessarily being unfair. If you think about it someone earning 20k would get a take home of about 1100 a month after tax, NI, pension etc. So minus the 150 he's been giving the OP that leaves 950, say a relatively small mortgage of 500 a month leaves 450, bills such as council tax, water, electric probably come to about 200 leaving 250 a month for food. Not very much really. Add to that he's working full time and doing the food shop. I'm not sure he's the ogre you are all painting him as. Perhaps he has overextended to cover costs and now needs some help getting on an even keel.

what? so you didnt even eat anything all day until dinner time?

My info re mortgage and deeds comes from my mortgage advisor, not my husbands - if you don't earn and you're put on a mortgage you are seen by the lender as a dependent, and the value they will lend is instantly reduced. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but we have assets tied in our current property that cannot be released probably for the next 4 years, so we needed the full whack of his earning potential without my financial hindrance in order to get the house we need to suit our needs. I live in Scotland and up here (I don't know if it's the same down south) your name cannot be on the deeds for the property if you're not financially responsible for the property, and as I'm not on the mortgage I can't be on the deeds.

OP, the reason I ask specifically about £500 is because I thought you had £250 spare to spend on clothes etc. I was just wondering if he had the same.

If you have bills to pay out of your 250 then that changes things, obviously.

You can register an interest on the property deeds without going on the loan.

With regards to finances you need to be honest with yourself about whether you or he can manage them alone or if you both need to be involved.

For us it works better if I control them as I work from home so can do the banking and dp is a self confessed scatter cash. He earns the majority of our income which goes into a joint account that I manage. We discuss what spare money we have for extras and what I say goes.

It would depend if the gap in the income needs plugging or if he is being controlling. There have been times when dp has asked for something and wr genuinely couldn't afford it. But work costs such ad fuel and food comes before paying bills and savings.

You need to decide if you are happy with your situation or not. And if not then change it now before baby comes and causes further issues.

We are due our baby in December. Dp will support us all. It may be old fashioned to some but we will make other sacrifices to be able to afford to do that. I would be asking your dh if he would be doing the same if you could afford it. If the answer is no then I think you need to have a good look at your relationship.

Who on earth didn't you tell him about the meals?

Seriously. What made you think it was ok not to eat properly and hide this from your husband?

If he's not abusive, you will be able to speak to each other as equal partners, each respecting the other's wishes and needs.

So this .. I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances .....I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.

...is a matter for some robust discussion until you have a satisfactory solution. You should not have to retire hurt and wondering how you'll cope. This is not how equal partners deal with each other.

Nor should you have been silently depriving yourself of food. :( it's very sad you went hungry instead of talking to your husband. (How come he didn't notice how little you were eating? )

You must please get those jeans, by the way. You really ought not to be uncomfortable like that - and worse, stay silent about it :(

'What? so you didnt even eat anything all day until dinner time?'

She's an intelligent adult and it was entirely her choice. Whether you agree with it or not, it's her decision and her husband wasn't there.

What does being on a 0 hours contract mean in the way of a reliable income?

I still can't understand why you didn't tell your DH you needed more food bought. What would he have said? You could have made a shopping list together to ensure you had enough. A pack of rolls and some ham for lunch and some cereal and milk for breakfast or bread for toast does not cost much at all.

you don't have to be on the mortgage to be on the deeds AFAIK.

This sounds very wrong to me.

I don't mean to add to your stress but have you told your new employer you are pregnant? I know employers aren't supposed to discriminate but if you are due in December and are showing, they might try and find a spurious reason to terminate your contract within its probationary period and then you'd be back at square one.

I have adult children, and I'd know if I wasn't buying enough food because all the food in the house would be gone when I got home.
In reality, we have a shopping list on the board, and we all add to it.
DS's constant requests for nutella are deleted.

No I'm sorry Eyes. Any sensible bloke would have said what do you want for brekker/lunch,shall I get extra bread, cheese etc for sandwiches. Not just carry on buying only enough for dinner only. He's either stupid or a creep.

zero hours means no guaranteed work= no guaranteed income

Or he assumed he'd married an adult who would say if things were a problem.

That's what I thought, toot. So in reality she could keep £250 and hand over 50p.
He still sounds like he's trying to plan ahead, and OP sounds like the strong, silent heroically suffering type.
You need to talk and sort stuff out ASAP. Like equal partners.

Whatever you do, don't get a joint account with this man. If you needed to untangle from it, it would be impossible without his cooperation.