to be a bit upset that DH wants almost the entirety of my paycheck?

[izchaz]

This is likely to be long, so skip if you're not in the mood for an opus:

I have just started a new job after 6 agonising months of waiting for NHS Admin to get their arses into gear and get all my work-ducks in a row. In that time I have not been earning as I was deeply unhappy in my last job, so left as soon as it was confirmed I would be getting my new job (with DH's 100% blessing, he hated my old job more than I did).
When I finished my last job I didn't expect the gap between finishing one and starting the next to be longer than 6 weeks, but it became increasingly protracted as the Admin goalposts got moved time and again.
So for 6 months I have been financially dependent on DH, consequently I have been very frugal, initially living on savings, then on £150 pounds a month that he gave me to cover bills and student loan repayments. At every point in that time I have been feeling guilty and have done everything to keep costs down - I have not socialised or driven my car for 6 months, I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant) and have generally been filling my time with free or cheap productive past times.
I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances before the baby comes (after xmas)" this is to go on until I go on matt leave.
Now I'm a first time mum, but from what I've seen of maternity wear etc, I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
I feel I should add DH makes a little over 20k a year, he owns our house and we live a fairly sparse lifestyle, our major outgoing is his commute, which is about to halve when we move next week, whilst mine will treble to over an hour.

So AIBU to be a bit upset that my first paychecks in 6 months and my last paychecks of relative financial freedom before I become a mum are going to go back to DH? Or should I just be happy that he supported me through the last 6 months and get over "my money" "his money" and just accept that this is the way married life is?

I don't understand why you didn't tell him there wasn't enough food, either?

Is there some reason why you feel you can not talk to your husband about these things?

X-post. You do not need £250 per month for 'food at work'. Why don't you both buy food for the house with your joint money and eat breakfast and take lunch with you?

Why do you both need to buy breakfast and lunch out every day?

You need to have a closer look at things. And you need to be able to sit and have a proper conversation with your H.

It is stupid to be living on one meal a day and not saying something. I cannot think that he was thinking he was buying enough? Surely anyone would know if they were buying food for 14 meals at home (2 adults x 7 nights) what about other meals!

Your expenses are not going to drop because he has less far to commute as he can cycle because yours are going to treble. So his expenses may be going down but yours will not be.

He cannot say he is taking x of your salary. You need to sit and discuss it will all relevant information. His income, your income, any debts plus all bills/costs etc.

You work out how between you to pay these off over what time scale. Not that one of you is run into the ground travelling over an hour, pregnant and learning a new job without enough money to even eat properly again while the other cruises and has less stress.

If he is being unreasonable you simply don't pay it over from your account to his. He cannot force you.

This is supposed to be a partnership/relationship.

You need to resolve this fairly between you or you will be giving him all of your pay packet for the next year/5 years depending on number of kids and maternity leave.

If this was posted by a mansaying he was expected to put his wage into the "pot" but didnt want to then there would be uproar as the wife of course should have access to it all.

You can have seperate finances as a couple just as well as joint ones. Him wanting to get his account back into the black, given your new job is zero hour contract and you are pregnant before starting it so no smp, is a wise move. If you can afford the share of bills and savings amount he is asking for then talk like adults rather than being petty saying he is taking your salary.

May I ask how old you both are? Just your coming across quite young. I'm half wondering if we are approaching it a bit wrong by coming at you as if you are mid 30's.

If you are mid 30s then I'm stumped for a bit. Will keep watching and come back on....

I'm married - it all goes into the one pot and neither of us abuses that or begrudges a penny to the other. It's worked for 15 years. Just as well too as I am a sahm and so have no earnings of my own as such. It's a partnership - I think your dh needs to learn that now rather than wait til dc comes along and you're splitting the cost of formula/nappies/calpol, etc.
FWIW I would not hand over a penny. If he's not willing to change (and grow up) then you'll need it.

You def don't need to be on the deeds. There is a form on land registry to fill in to notify the house as spousal occupied. This is for both of you. Means house cannot be sold out from under you without your agreement.

Other mners told me about it. It works too :)

'FWIW I would not hand over a penny. If he's not willing to change (and grow up) then you'll need it.'

Grow up? He's just supported the OP for 6 months with no income, that sounds responsible to me.
And if they don't discuss finances properly, and she hangs on to whatever she makes with her 0 hour contract, what sort of a family life will that be?
How if he then decides to be as petty?

Very responsible innit, to not notice your pregnant wife has much in common with the starving in Africa

You're right eyes I am not paying attention (juggling bedtime with browsing MN: TSK!)
I suppose I mean shared bills.

I'll just bow out gracefully now and finish the three little pigs....

The op has already said she doesn't want to share her new income, I'm really not seeing that her dh is the big bad ogre that everyone else thinks. I suspect that he wants to get back on an even keel, after having supported them both on 20k salary for the last 6 months. And for everyone saying that £250 per month is not enough, there is obviously not a lot of spare cash for this couple, so perhaps £250pm HAS to be enough

my earlier post looked a bit hectoring....sorry. That wasn't my intention. Just don't like the thought of someone hungry, or uncomfortable in their clothes, yet not feeling able to say anything about it.

But there's a difference between paying the majority of her salary into a joint account to pay joint bills and handing it over to her DH to do what he wants with it. At the very least its not an equal partnership.

Maybe if he stopped buying his breakfast AND lunch on the way to work there would of been more money for you to be able to eat

I know the problem is bigger than this...but OP cant you see this is wrong and unfair and the tip of the iceberg

'Very responsible innit, to not notice your pregnant wife has much in common with the starving in Africa'

' I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant)'

Oh AnyFucker, you old drama llama you.
FWIW I have two meals a day, breakfast and dinner, and sadly if I look like anyone African at all it is Mma Ramotswe. I wouldn't dream of asking the OP how much she weighed before she quit her job.

Um, I don't get this - I presume as you're saying "DH" that you're married so surely what's yours is his and what's his is yours? You are now feeding and growing his baby, so he should be letting you have free reign over your own money! I'd be giving him some stern words.

Izchaz, I am very sad for you. I believe you self limited to one meal a day. This is not a normal circumstance of marriage, especially if your husband was filling his belly to his satisfaction. You are now pregnant. You have the right to good food in any amount you wish. You have the right to treat your wages as you wish. Please do contact Woman's Aid. They have valuable information that may help you. You and your baby deserve more.

I am going back to work and we have a joint and two separate accounts. We have agreed to contribute a percentage if each salary towards the bills, savings etc. that way it is equal based on the gap between our salaries.

What's left will be our own to spend/save as we see fit.

'I'd be giving him some stern words.'

I think that the majority of us are saying words need to be had, along with explanations and mutual analysis of income, essentials and extras.

Sorry but you've had duff advice re the mortgage.

You can go on the mortgage and be registered as joint title holder. You can stay off the mortgage and still be registered as joint title holder. Am also in Scotland and professionally involved in this kind of area.

How can you personally have financial assets tied up in property if you don't have your name on the title ? Are you not selling your existing house ?

OP - I really think you need independent advice re going on the deeds of the house (and I mean independent of your husband - not the adviser your used) - maybe try Shelter Scotland.

You honestly don't both need to go to a bank at the same time to open an account. One of you can start the process and another could pop into the branch at another date with identity documents.

You might even be able to do it online now...

Have you come across the concept of equal discretionary spending money?

So regardless of what each earns you have the same to spend on frivolous things (= books/CDs) not basic food.

What does your husband spend money on?

No drama llama'ing here

Op didn't feel able to tell her partner she wasn't getting enough to eat

Now she feels she can't spend money on clothes, even though she has none that fit

She is concerned at tipping up her wage in case he "fritters it away"

there is plenty here to get "dramatic" about, IMO

I'd like to see some of you "separate accounts" proponents living like this

He sounds like a tight bastard to me OP. Why the fuck does he want the money back? Did he take out a loan or something? Or does he just want to see his bank balance swell back to its previous level. What a horrible, tight-fisted, measly man - no wonder he has never had a girlfriend before.
FWIW I am married myself and would never dream of asking my wife to pay me money back each month out of her wage just because she had the misfortune to be out of work for a while. Jeeeez, some men are such cunts.