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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want people to stop asking when I will have another child?

56 replies

bulletwithbutterflywings · 20/06/2013 16:25

It really gets me down, and I feel awkward and I have to lie and say 'no, I don't want one' or 'maybe one day'.
I do want another child - quite desperately actually! I just can't do it. I had a lot of ishoos after DS was born. The birth was scary, recovery very painful, I lost the plot for a year. Breastfeeding was the most traumatic headfuck I have ever experienced. DP and I were so close to splitting up (this was both of our faults).
I am only just starting to accept my body as it is now and I just can't fucking handle all of that again! But you can't say that to people can you? Because its over sharing and makes you sound pathetic.

OP posts:
TheScreamingfrog · 20/06/2013 16:30

YA so NBU!
I get this too as DD is now three but don't want the world to know me and DH have been through a rocky patch too and just finished counselling.
For what it's worth, I desperately want another but want my marriage to be secure enough to cope with that.

catherine19 · 20/06/2013 16:32

U can! I hav a friend who clearly says to people she is happy with the fantastic child she has and doesn't want anymore and as far as I've seen people accept that.
I no people do think it is but what a personal question to ask! It's like as soo. As u get married people are asking where the babies are and before that when r u going to get married! I just wanted to say shut up!
Ps i so much want another baby!

HugAMoo · 20/06/2013 16:34

It is so rude for people to ask this! For all they know the couple could have been trying for a long time with no success. I wouldn't ask, it's very intrusive.

MrsLyman · 20/06/2013 16:43

Generally when people ask this, they do so without any concept of how personal the question actually is, there are exceptions to this of course but it may help to remember they don't mean any harm.

You don't have to go into quite as much detail but you can always say, you're not over having the first one yet.

Original poster
bulletwithbutterflywings · 20/06/2013 16:46

I wonder whether I should just say I can't have any more? But then I don't want to lie. Saying 'I only want one' is a lie too. :(

OP posts:
squoosh · 20/06/2013 16:58

WHY do people feel they have the right poke and pry into other people's reproductive issues?

May not want another child, may be having trouble conceiving, may have just suffered a miscarriage, may not be able to afford another child....................lots of reasons, but none of them are anyone else's business.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 20/06/2013 17:02

I think even if you did say 'I only want one' people would have some pretty unfair and inappropriate opinions on that to share as well

Original poster
bulletwithbutterflywings · 20/06/2013 17:02

I feel so sad for people who really can't have another child, or have lost babies when they get asked this question, my closest friend hasn't got any children yet, because she has had 2 miscarriages. She gets asked why her and her DH haven't got kids yet :(

OP posts:
LadyBryan · 20/06/2013 17:03

I'm afraid I answer brutally honestly. People are so quick to pry!

I say "well actually we want another one but I'm infertile". They dont' tend to ask again....

Original poster
bulletwithbutterflywings · 20/06/2013 17:04

Yeah, people can't seem to accept the "I only want one" answer anyway! They then have the nerve to say "don't you think ds will be lonely?" "Wouldn't ds like a sibling?"

OP posts:
DIYapprentice · 20/06/2013 17:04

But you can't, can you? Not because it's a physical impossibility, but because it's an emotional one. So it's not a lie at all.

Original poster
bulletwithbutterflywings · 20/06/2013 17:05

Sorry to hear that LadyBryan. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
bulletwithbutterflywings · 20/06/2013 17:09

It is a lie, and I think disrespectful to people who physically can't.
I could, in a few years suddenly get over this and theoretically have another baby as soon as I wanted to. Or of I became pregnant accidentally I wouldn't choose to end that pregnancy, my MH definitely couldn't cope with that!

OP posts:
HandsomeEddy · 20/06/2013 17:09

I completely sympathise. I have no idea what you can really say to curb the questioning though, because everything I've tried usually leads onto more questions I don't want to answer!

Then there's the really nosy bastards prying people that have on occasion made me burst into tears when I try casually to give a vague shrug off answer. That usually gets rid of them though! Blush

Original poster
bulletwithbutterflywings · 20/06/2013 17:10

Maybe I should learn to cry on command! Then they can feel awkward instead of me!

OP posts:
Startail · 20/06/2013 17:12

YANBU

I have DFs who have stopped at one after previous MCs and various other stressful experiences.

DH and I are very happily married, but we were together ten years before we had DD1 and small babies, lack of sleep and lack of time as a couple and for ourselves does our heads in and we fight.

For all sorts of reasons we agreed to have DD2, but there will never be a DC3

RunsWithScissors · 20/06/2013 17:15

What about saying something along the lines of " we won't be having another for personal reasons". Not specific enough for people to know if its medical or personal choice. Anyone who means well should accept that response. Anyone who pushes for more info can be responded to with "I'd rather not discuss this with you".
Hope you're in a good place now and enjoying your dc

Original poster
bulletwithbutterflywings · 20/06/2013 17:18

Runs thanks, that is a pretty diplomatic way of dealing with it.
I am generally very happy with life other than this, and my son is wonderful and lots of fun!

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 20/06/2013 17:19

I would tell them the truth, or version thereof.

People mean no harm, its just conversation, and meant well, probably.

But they will continue to ask unless you make it clear that it is not a topic for casual conversation.

Be frank, or even be a bit rude.

NettoSuperstar · 20/06/2013 17:21

I used to get asked all the time when DD was younger. She's an only out of choice, but when I said that they looked at me as if I was cruel and then I'd feel like a weirdo.
They don't ask now, probably because DD is 11 and they assume I don't want/can't have another.

However if I am asked, I look at them as if they were mad and say, 'Why would I do that, I hate children'.
Their faces are a pictureGrin

LadyBryan · 20/06/2013 17:23

Thanks bullet Thanks

FWIW I think if you told someone you had difficulties post your first child it doesn't make you sound pathetic

Stillhopingstillhere · 20/06/2013 17:25

Yes I get it a lot.
We're infertile as a couple (dh is infertile, ds was a fluke.)

I've started just to say 'we're infertile' it's a rude question and it annoys me. My answer soon shuts them up.

RazzleDazzleEm · 20/06/2013 17:27

Do your close friends and family ask you? and if so - perhaps you should share with them more in depth reasons as to why - and they wont ask again.

if its acquaintances, perhaps they are just trying to make polite conversation with you -and because of your problems YOU are taking it too deep and personally.

If its the latter either tell the truth, which I would do, or simply think of a stock phrase in response and a change topic one.

I think problems around fertility etc are all slightly grey, and I think sharing your story may prompt others in positive stories too or tips or various help,

You cant expect people to know your background. Its like people saying " Happy Fathers Day" - did you take your dad out..."No he is six feet under" how on earth would they know that, and they wouldnt know and even less if I didnt say that!

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom · 20/06/2013 17:28

This is soooo rude. I make a point of never asking anyone their family plans. I only ever talk about it if they bring it up.

Bullet - Glad to hear you are in a good place now. If people are sufficiently nosy to ask and you feel like being diplomatic, Runs has good wording. Frankly I might well say "Actually medically it isn't a good idea for me right now" (because mental health and personal wellbeing are medical). Which makes them sound a tit for asking. And when people are thoughtless I tend to be a bit frank to make them realise they were thoughtless.

whiteandyellowiris · 20/06/2013 17:29

Yanbu. I hate this question