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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want people to stop asking when I will have another child?

56 replies

bulletwithbutterflywings · 20/06/2013 16:25

It really gets me down, and I feel awkward and I have to lie and say 'no, I don't want one' or 'maybe one day'.
I do want another child - quite desperately actually! I just can't do it. I had a lot of ishoos after DS was born. The birth was scary, recovery very painful, I lost the plot for a year. Breastfeeding was the most traumatic headfuck I have ever experienced. DP and I were so close to splitting up (this was both of our faults).
I am only just starting to accept my body as it is now and I just can't fucking handle all of that again! But you can't say that to people can you? Because its over sharing and makes you sound pathetic.

OP posts:

DumSpiroSpero · 20/06/2013 17:30

Runs that is much nicer than my usual 'when hell freezes over' retort! .

I have only had one child for similar reasons to you OP, plus the fact that pregnancy seriously knackered my thyroid function which increases the risk of several physical problems if I were to get pregnant again.

It is a tricky one, especially when people keep pushing on the subject. Fortunately DH, DD and I are all very happy being a family of three, and as I'm an only child myself it's harder for them to have the lonely/spoilt/too much grown up interaction argument, as I turned out OK I think!

melodyangel · 20/06/2013 17:30

I would love to say they get the message eventually but I get asked this all the time and DS2 is almost 9. The other favourite is why we have such a big gap between our two DC's.

mumaa · 20/06/2013 17:32

Perhaps just say 'maybe one day' or 'hopefully'. That implies you want to but isn't that straightforward, without actually having to explain yourself.

People dont see it as a bad or personal question when they ask it, but when you are being asked it does feel quite personal. DP and I only ever wanted 1 child and we were lucky enough to be blessed with one. I get 'when are you having another?', 'you can't just have one', 'an only child is a lonely child'.

Our reasons for having 1 child are many and all of them are for the intended benefit of DD. I have started responding with 'you can't improve on perfection' when they ask why we aren't having another.

I too feel badly for people who do want children and keep getting asked why they haven't had any yet or had another yet. I tend not to ask things like this but it would even be worded better if someone would ask 'would you like to have another child' rather than 'when are you having the next one'.

its the same with people asking about where/when your baby was conceived, i dont want questions about my sex life thanks! especially not from you MIL!!!

Justforlaughs · 20/06/2013 17:38

YANBU, I used to hate this when we were struggling to conceive our DC2. I also used to get really upset about it, ironically we then couldn't stop having kids! (ended up with 5!) People still ask when I'm having another, my answer now is that my DH would divorce me as it wouldn't be his! but I do feel for you. If it's people you are not close too then I'd just look at them and ask what business it is of theirs, if it is family I'd ask a trusted relative to have a quiet word and just say that it's a sensitive issue for you.

TheProjectManager · 20/06/2013 17:39

I get it too - constantly - my womb should be in spring watch there seems so much casual interest in its contents or my plans for its contents .... Weddings and people I work with are the worst ... I had a conversation with someone in IT about the importance of not leaving too big a gap and how kids need siblings - some days it beggars belief!!

My favourite one at the moment is saying that DH is having the next one so ask him!!

People can be do completely insensitive but they do mean well really ...

Original poster

bulletwithbutterflywings · 20/06/2013 17:41

PILs have stopped asking thankfully, but only because SIL is pg, once her baby arrives and all the excitement is over I guess they'll start up again!
Its friends who's aren't really close and acquaintances that ask really. A couple of people repeatedly, I just want them to stop asking! I have answered "maybe one day" so many times!

OP posts:

mumofthemonsters808 · 20/06/2013 17:47

I had this for years and when I eventually had another one ,people then asked when I would be having a third child. God only knows why people are so nosey and insensitive.

RunsWithScissors · 20/06/2013 18:00

Oh, glad to hear its a good reply. I'm not great at confronting people, and we've also stopped at one.

We don't have fertility issues, so felt I couldn't say we cant't have them either.

Funny how so many people are ballsy enough to comment on life decisions of others, and those if us that are too polite don't call them on it.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 20/06/2013 18:00

It is thoughtless. I would say 'It's complicated' and if they ask any more, say 'As I said, it's complicated, so I'd rather leave it at that'.

icklemssunshine1 · 20/06/2013 18:26

It's terrible isn't it? I'm asked all the time & I just want to shout "We'll actually I would be 8 months PG if I hadn't miscarried!". Instead I just tend to nod & say "We'll see".

I actually started a thread about a month ago where I told the truth to a mum at a playbarn as out DD's plate together. She looked visibly uncomfortable & DH told me I shouldn't have said anything.

We've come to the decision to not have anymore as I can't face the emotional risk of MCing again. It's taken a lot toast that decision only for my MIL to call me "selfish" for not providing a sibling for DD & she'll be "lonely" (I also started a thread on that too!).

I have no advice sorry. Just wanted to share my sympathies. I know the question seems innocent but unless you've suffered the trauma of MC, infertility, etc you don't know how sensitive it can be to answer.

icklemssunshine1 · 20/06/2013 18:27

Sorry about all the typos - need to preview before posting!

Original poster

bulletwithbutterflywings · 20/06/2013 18:31

Sorry for your loss ickle
And sorry to hear so many other people having difficulties. and all round :)

OP posts:

EssexGurl · 20/06/2013 18:57

It is rude to ask but I don't know how to respond.

I could have written your story. My DS is almost 8 and my DD just turned 4. After the rubbish 1st year with DS it took a while to persuad DH but DD is the best thing we did. A much better experience at all points. A different hospital and HV helped I think.

So I am saying never say never if you really want another,

makingdoo · 20/06/2013 19:07

It's so rude! I get asked all the time. We don't have any DC yet and have been married 5 years.
I've sort of backed myself into a 'I'm not child friendly' but in truth I'd love to be pregnant.

My friend said to me yesterday 'you should just get pregnant now so that we can be on maternity leave together!'
I really wanted to slap her hard but just smiled politely!

OrangeFireandGoldashes · 20/06/2013 19:17

Sorry to hear about your difficulties, OP. To people outside immediate family/close friends circle who ask why I don't have children of my own (have adult steps) I say "let's make a pact. I won't ask you about your sex life, and you don't ask me about mine". They can make of that what they will!

josephinebruce · 21/06/2013 22:13

Well, I'm over 40 now and married 20-odd years ago and been in a couple of relationships since the divorce - but no-one has ever asked me if I was going to have children!! Think it's because they thought I'd be crap lol.

cerealqueen · 21/06/2013 23:26

YANBU, so intrusive. I remember being asked this when we were trying for a second, or comments such as 'just the one then'. Or when you are single, from coupled up people 'how's your love life' to which the most apt response is 'How's your sex life' as that is what they are really asking themselves.

I would just say 'did you mean to be so intrusive?' if its somebody not well known to you, and 'we'll see' to anybody else.

take care Op, and everybody else on receiving end of such questions.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 22/06/2013 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyBaby1day · 22/06/2013 05:19

Tell them you see a poster on MN called MyBaby1day, she's an only child and as a result is that AMAZING you want your DS to be one too!!-problem solved! . Seriously though, tell them your family size is your choice and it's personal. My Mum just had me and said she got it right first time!. None of their business. People sometimes just have one for a whole number of reasons.

MrsMook · 22/06/2013 06:01

Polite sarcasm also works well.

"So when are you going to have a baby?"
"In 10 minutes, can you fetch me a towel please?"

Brilliant conversation killer

Forutnately I didn't give people much chance to ask after the wedding, I really copped it after DS1 was born. I was still weeks away from driving after the (emergency) CS (and 40 hr labour, and recovering from symptoms of PE) (and virtually learning to walk again after being crippled in pain and near to housebound with undiagnosed PGP). I was broody as hell for some unknown reason, but my body desperately needed a good year to recover and get back to fitness before risking undoing my work again. (Second time was much better, less nausea, I recognised the PGP and managed it much better and got my VBAC and a positive birth- all in all (for me) it's been a healing experience, not easy at times, but better.) I can understand why people don't want to repeat difficult/ complicated pregnancies/ births.

I'm now being asked about DC#3. If I do, it will all be questions about a girl as I have 2 DSs.

You can never win...

Rosduk · 22/06/2013 06:13

YANBU- We lost a newborn 2 hours old last nov and have a 2yo DD. It is so surprising how many people (that I don't know well!) have asked me that. When you already have one child it's almost like an icebreaker for some at children's parties etc. I just shrug and change the subject as I hate the uncomfortable "sorry to hear that" convo...

Original poster

bulletwithbutterflywings · 22/06/2013 09:24

Rosduck

OP posts:

cosysocks · 22/06/2013 09:41

Sorry to here about the losses of everyone. I must admit I take the few that if they are rude enough to ask the question then they need to sit with the uncomfortable feeling when I give them the truth.
I tell them I'd love another, desperate in fact but one miscarriage and over 2 years of trying to conceive its not happening.
I just think don't ask a personal question and not expect a personal answer.

cosysocks · 22/06/2013 09:42

Arrr *view not few

LondonMother · 22/06/2013 10:07

Is it lack of imagination? There are so many obvious and compelling reasons why somebody (a) wouldn't have had any children at all or (b) might not have had more than one or two. How is it possible not to foresee that you could cause pain and embarrassment by asking a casual, fill-the-space-in-the-conversation question about something so intensely personal?

I know someone who would love to have another child but can't afford it at the moment. I only know this because we're close and she told me, unprompted and confidentially. I've seen her discomfort twice in the last few weeks as casual acquaintances said to her brightly 'So when will you have the next one?' Just not on.

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