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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that she blamed MY son!!

56 replies

howardbear · 20/06/2013 10:44

it's trivial but it's the most recent of a long list of things she does to annoy me, so here goes:-

took my ds to playgroup this morning and whist in the cloakroom my 'friend' and her ds came in, I was putting his coat and bag on the peg and I noticed her ds grabbing both hands of my ds, he was getting a bit agitated by his moithering and the next thing my ds was on the floor, banged his head quite hard and started crying, I went to pick him up and give him a cuddle and whist he was on my knee her ds started whining saying 'ouch my hand' etc his mum asked what's wrong with you (because obviously there was nothing wrong) and she did NOTHING to correct her son or make him apologise to mine and had the cheek to say 'are you boys being rough?'

i'm annoyed with myself for not asking her what she meant by that, my ds is NEVER rough, he's a sensitive little boy and did nothing wrong, her lad however is rough and doesn't leave my ds alone when he quite obviously doesn't want to be manhandled!

i'm not annoyed with the child, I don't know for certain if he pushed my ds over or if he stumbled because the lad is so much bigger than him and he was trying to get away from him moithering, but IAM so cross at his mum for not correcting his bad behaviour and then having the audacity to accuse MY son of being rough!!

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 20/06/2013 10:51

Did she see what happened?
And how rough was her DS being?

She may well have thought it was nothing more than the 2 boys playing and the sort of accident that happens all the time between young children. If so, think her remark is perfectly fine and a bit jokey surely?

But hard to judge not being there or knowing exactly what she saw.

complexnumber · 20/06/2013 10:59

It doesn't really sound like she 'blamed' anyone, she asked a question.

Are sure she saw what happened.

If she didn't, why on earth would she correct her ds

Original poster
howardbear · 20/06/2013 11:05

I don't know what she saw, probably as much as me, but she knows my son well enough to know that he is NOT rough, he wasn't playing with her ds, he was being moithered, she should have intervened then and told her ds to leave him alone.

she didn't make her son apologise to mine even though his actions caused him to be hurt, i would be mortified if my son had done this to another child and told him to say sorry at least.

someone making jokey comments about a situation when a child is quite clearly upset is offensive is it not?

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 20/06/2013 11:07

You are right to be annoyed however....why did you not say anything about her son grabbing your DSs hands? I would have said something...

DeWe · 20/06/2013 11:08

ds is NEVER rough, he's a sensitive little boy and did nothing wrong, her lad however is rough you may find that the other mother would say exactly that about her ds.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/06/2013 11:24

YABU - you admit you didn't see what happened and she probably didn't either. What was she supposed to say? She's hardly going to start blaming her son when he probably didn't do anything wrong.

How old are the boys?

Original poster
howardbear · 20/06/2013 12:09

I didn't say anything to her son when he was grabbing my sons hands because I expected her to, I try not to make a habit of telling other people's children off, but perhaps I should start?

I think she would agree her child is rough and mine was sensitive, has made many remarks about how different they are in the past.

even if he didn't push my son over, whatever he did caused my son to end up hurt on the floor and there is no doubt that was her sons fault, am I the only one who would make my child say sorry for doing that? how is he ever going to learn it is wrong?

they are 3.

OP posts:
TheOneWithTheHair · 20/06/2013 12:18

I think communication is the key here. You could talk to each other in a non blame kind of way to establish what happened.

My ds2 got scratched on his neck this morning for saying hello to another boy. Dad was there but I don't know what he said to his son. However I had a lovely email from the other boy's mum who was mortified and she set out that her ds was going to have a consequence as a result. This will enable me to explain to my ds that the boy has been told he can't behave that way.

It also helped to alleviate any bad feeling that resulted between me and the other parent.

babyhmummy01 · 20/06/2013 12:19

I am afraid YABU howard - you are surmising that her sons actions caused yours to get hurt but that isn't necessarily the case as neither of you actually saw what happened. He could simply have stepped back and tripped.

imnotmymum · 20/06/2013 12:25

Did she not blame your son per se did she... it was just an overzealous kid. Perhaps she could have said to her Son not to be rough but at 3 they have no sense of strength

Chandon · 20/06/2013 12:29

Very pfb op

ziggyf · 20/06/2013 12:29

They are 3, these things happen. If neither of you saw what happened then why should she tell her son off if you aren't telling yours off?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/06/2013 12:30

They're very young still and the truth is no one saw what happened. I don't think grabbing your son's hands is the sort of thing a child should be told off for. Mum could have said don't grab OP's DS he doesn't like it - or you could have - that's not really telling him off. But in the other mum's shoes I wouldn't have told my DS off unless an adult had seen him push your DS over or he admitted he had. I think what she did say is a shot across the bows to both DCs to say she has seen they are being a bit rough and I think that's fine.

OrmirianResurgam · 20/06/2013 12:31

She didn't blame him.

pianodoodle · 20/06/2013 12:33

It doesn't sound like she was blaming your son, she probably didn't know exactly how things happened so she just wrote it off as a bit of rough playing.

Sometimes when my friend is here we see our kids having a tug of war over the same toy (despite there being plenty to choose from of course). Someone let's go first and the other one takes a dive... They're only 2 but same principle really we don't know who started it but in 2 minutes they'll have found something else to do so not worth a fuss.

We're more keen to drink our coffee before it gets cold than try and figure out which child might need to apologise unless it's really blatant..

zzzzz · 20/06/2013 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boomba · 20/06/2013 12:37

there is doubt that it was her ds's fault. You said yourself that one minute they were holding hands and thenext minute your ds was on the floor

It doesnt at all sound like the other boy was 'badly behaved'. He is 3, he just wanted in interact with your ds. All you need to do, is talk to the other mum and aske her to intervene more as your son is more shy and less tactile

There is nothing to tell the other lad off about

Mamafratelli · 20/06/2013 12:41

How old are they? Some children are more naturally boisterous and it sounds like an accident rather than him pushing him over deliberately (if he had she should have told him off). I am guessing he is your pfb. I don't think saying the boys were playing roughly was an insult to your son. I find it quite strange that you do. Lots of toddlers play roughly because they don't have any concept of gentle etc.

GobblersKnob · 20/06/2013 12:41

ds is NEVER rough, he's a sensitive little boy and did nothing wrong, her lad however is rough

you may find that the other mother would say exactly that about her ds.

^^this in a nutshell.

pianodoodle · 20/06/2013 12:44

"lets go" that should have been. My phone decides to add apostrophes for me when I don't want them...

User21276799 · 20/06/2013 13:03

You sound like you are being very precious to be honest. I don't think the other mum had anything to apologise for. Grabbing hands might be annoying but I wouldn't characterise it as rough. Little ones are always toppling and banging their heads - if neither of you saw her DS push yours then YAB totally U. It was just as likely an accident.

The statement about your DS never being rough grates. YOU might not think he is rough, but another mum might interpret his enthusiasm/affection/energy in that way. Your friend similarly may have thought her DS was just being friendly (or just being a three year old, tbh) and there was nothing to apologise for. Just because she didn't tell off her boy doesn't mean she blamed yours.

DD is one and is in childcare with toddlers around two and three. They sometimes push her deliberately, but usually it's an accident or a result of enthusiasm. In either case I'd never get cross with another mum - if I was obviously rough I might say to the other child "sweetie she's only little and that was a bit rough, I know you didn't mean to hurt her, do you want to give her a cuddle?" if the mum didn't say anything herself, but it wouldn't bother me if she didn't. If there was a good chance it was an accident I'd let it go, or say something along the lines of "are you TWO being a bit rough" as your friend did, and DD is only one and my PFB (and frankly she also has her moments so sometimes it is half her!)

I have distanced myself from overly precious mums TBH, it gets too wearing for the kids to play together if you are having to constantly worry that your little one is going to lay a stray finger on their DC...

pianodoodle · 20/06/2013 13:05

I've seen my 23 month old girl wade into a scrum for biscuits with elbows flying.

She looks like a sweet little angel though (as they do). If I start assuming she actually IS an angel in situations where no one really knows she'll soon catch on and milk it for all it's worth. They aren't stupid she already has Daddy fooled.

Original poster
howardbear · 20/06/2013 13:11

perhaps I am over-reacting, but this isn't the first time, and won't be the last.

i'm annoyed by her comment because my ds is not rough, he doesn't like and does not engage in rough play at all, so her saying that is implying that my ds had something to do with this accident, which he did not, if her boy was not there then my boy would not have got hurt!

I don't think that caring my son was upset is being pfb.

OP posts:
babyhmummy01 · 20/06/2013 13:18

caring that your son is upset is not the issue howard, the issue is that at no point in your posts have you shown how your son was blamed, it sounds like the other parent has tried to diffuse a situation rather than focus on boys being boys rather than make a deal out of something that neither of you saw.

You are overreacting because your child got hurt, had he not bumped his head would you be this angry??

I think you need to address the issues with yourself over why you are so incensed by the fact that she didn't discipline her son. He did nothing wrong and neither did your son, it was an accident and by no means requires either child to be chastised or punished.

User21276799 · 20/06/2013 13:18

I don't think that caring my son was upset is being pfb

Erm, it is I'm afraid. If he interacts with other kids sometimes he'll get the odd bump and scrape, that's life. What's the alternative - not take him to playgroup? If he'd just tripped in the cloakroom and the other kid was on the other side of the room would you have been quite so upset at the same bumped head (i.e. him being upset?)

It sounds like you have a problem with this particular child and mum. It's YOUR problem, not hers. Toddlers do rough house, it's normal. If it bothers you that much you'll have to restrict which kids he mixes with. At three and so close to going to school (where he'll have to just get on with it without you there, and there will be all sorts of kids to contend with) I don't think you are doing him any favours by over reacting to such a small incident which might of been nothing. He'll never learn to dust himself on and get on with it.

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