AIBU about DS and wedding invite?

[Dontlookattheknees]

A old high school friend of mine is getting married. In school we had been very good friends but have drifted apart (we were in a group of about 8. 4 of us are still best friends but all 8 of us still talk and see each other)
All 7 in this group have been invited to the wedding and were all excited (we want to go out and buy saris to wear)
She is the first to get married out of this group. 
When my invite came it didn't include DS which I was a bit shocked at because it is a massive wedding with lots of kids (a big Bengali bash) but I figured they had to draw the line somewhere so chose not to invite friends kids (I'm the only one out of the 8 to have a DC) It doesn't bother me.
I bumped into her today in town and she said she got my RSVP and I was asking how plans were going.
She said that she hoped I understood why DS wasn't invited
I told her that it was fine that kids weren't invited and it would be nice to have a night out (I'm a single parent) 
She was pleased I understood that it would be difficult to have DS there but I should know that kids will be there at the wedding
I must have looked puzzled because she carried on that because DS doesn't have a father, and that it would upset a lot of guests if a kid "like that" was at the wedding, so she and her FI decided that it would be best if my DS wasn't invited as having him at the wedding wasn't really appropriate

I was stunned, I ended up making my excuses

But that's not on is it?
(I know it's her day and all that crap) but it isn't the 1813 so AIBU to think she is being unreasonable and ridiculous?

[SoftlySoftly]

Married into a very traditional Bengali family and whole eyebrows are raised at things like me illegitimate children and homosexuality they remain inclusive on the surface. And dmil just spends lots of time feeding people and trying to talk them into better behaviour . There were 2 single parents at bils arranged marriage.

Being gay is a massive taboo so her logic is out and outbullshit I be caning her on it.

[SoftlySoftly]

Calling her not caning her!

[Potol]

As a Bengali I feel like apologising for this woman. Don't know what religion she is (which might then explain whether the wedding will be gender segregated- Bengali Hindu weddings are not) but actually all that doesn't matter. Although, I do feel the need to point out that an arranged marriage may not mean she doesn't have a choice of husband though.

Anyway, back to the point at hand. Your friend is bigoted and narrow minded. It doesn't matter what her family feels, you are HER guest and it is her job to make you and your family, in this case your son feel welcome. Yes, there may be conservative relatives but that is her and her family's job to handle. She is rude and narrow minded and hiding behind the 'cultural excuse'. Asian weddings are so big and chaotic that no one will give a rat's arse which kid has a father or not and why. And I also suspect that even the most conservative relatives will never be rude to a child or to a guest at a a wedding. They may raise an eyebrow in private but they will treat you with warmth and politeness to your face. Which is why it makes me think that this is HER view and she is using her family as an excuse. What a shitty thing to do. Please have a lovely day with your DS doing fun stuff.

[Potol]

Also 2 'kids like that' at my wedding. Lots of gay friends. Lots of unmarried couples living together. All my family was concerned about was ensuring that everyone was well fed to the point I had to tell my mother to stop harassing them to eat more. And all the kids were going a trifle crazy and being thouroughly pampered by all the guests. People may have private views (and people of all religions and races have bigoted ones) but no one would ever be publicly rude to a guest at a Bengali wedding. So your friend is just being horrible. Sorry to be blunt, as she is your friend of many years but all this cultural crap drives me mad.

[MrsEricBana]

I can't believe it. I was running through the possible unacceptable reasons she could have come up with and none was as bad as that. You must say you were staggered that someone could think like that, you are upset and offended and you will not be attending. NOT OK.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

What a cow! This woman is not your friend.

[trackies]

OP,
I am not Bengali, but am Asian, so have been subjected to some backward attitudes caused by the cultural difference.
I am really sorry that your DS has been treated like this. It's appalling.
The fact that she referred to your son as a 'kid like that', says to me that SHE has a problem with it.
My Aunt didn't invite my widowed Mum's new partner (have been together for years) to my cousins wedding. Her initial excuse was that "we can't invite him as we have people coming from overseas that won't approve." It was actually her and her bigoted husband that had a problem, not her 'overseas visitors'. And in any case, no one would prob notice that he was with her anyway. Mum declined the invite. We don't talk to them and vice versa.
My advice would be to decline politely if poss. Tell your BF's in the group the reason.
It will probably put stop to your relationship, but i don't think she's really your friend OP.

[CloudsAndTrees]

No one is actually being rude or unkind to a child here. The child will know nothing of it, except that Mummy has gone out for the day. There is no more reason for the child to feel bad than there would be at any other wedding he wasn't invited to.

This friend made a remark that was horrible, but I very much doubt it was intended that way, and I'm sure all of us have worded something badly during a difficult conversation at some point.

I'd have thought the OP could tell a lot more about the type of person her friend is from the fact that they have been in each others lives since they were at school than she can from one badly worded sentence.

It's a fact that some people feel negatively towards unmarried mothers and 'illegitimate' children. Personally, I wouldn't lose a friend over it, especially when it had the potential to cause problems within a while group and it's clearly not something that is important to the friend.

[FriendlyLadybird]

No, CloudsAndTrees, whatever anyone may think about a woman who had a child 'out of wedlock' (which may not even be the case for OP), the idea that anyone could even think that it could be reflected on the CHILD is absolutely disgusting. I wouldn't just lose a friend over it, I'd chuck them so hard they bounced. And that would be the case if I weren't the mother of the child concerned.

[Snazzywaitingforsummer]

I'd have to disagree, CloudsAndTrees, because the friend has said the child is less welcome (in fact not welcome at all) at the event because his parents aren't married. That's unkind, even if the child doesn't know it. And it is incredibly rude about both the OP and her child to tell her this.

[internationallove985]

What!! She said that to you about your D.S. How shallow, closed minded and immature is she. Is it the fault of your son that you're a single mum.
I'd tell her where to stick her invitation and drop her like hot potato and I would not be polite either. You owe it to your D.S you can't possibly go to a wedding knowing the bride did not want your son there. I'm sorry for little miss perfect (the bride to be) but when you're a mum you come as a package and it's a case of love me love my baby. How can anyone reject an innocent child. What a horrible horrible nasty piece of work, she's not your friend. I wouldn't even expect that of my worse enemy. Sadly there are still many people out there still living in 1320 rather than 2013.
Don't worry karma will have her beady eye on her and one day she may pay her a visit in the from of single parenthood and who knows by then you may have met a "d.p" and you can then have the joy of looking down and passing judgement on her.
Sorry for the long rant but as a single mum myself this has really got to me. I'll sign off now before I say too much and start swearing. Plus I'm going for a bath and then going to watch question time.
You seem like amazing mum B.T.W. xxx

[CloudsAndTrees]

I don't see it as a reflection on the child at all. If they met the child I'd almost guarantee they would be as kind and welcoming as they would be to any other child belonging to the brides friends at the wedding.

It's about their attitude, and they can have whatever attitude they like in private.

[internationallove985]

Hi Don't look at the knees. I'm definetly going for a bath soon, I'll still be saying that at 2 in the morning. (L.O.L) However I'd just like to have a word with another poster if that's okay. xx

Clouds and trees . I come with no disrespect, but please read O.P's thread in detail. She's not upset that her D.S is not invited to the wedding it's the reason why. Also okay she was hoping for a night out where is the crime in that.
If you have been blessed with D.C how would you feel if something negative was said about them?.... You'd be angry wouldn't you! and you'd be well within your right to be. x

[CloudsAndTrees]

I understand the reason why. I don't agree with them, but I respect their right to think what they like as long as they don't show it to other people.

I do have dc, ones born out of wedlock as it happens, as was I. I wouldn't take it very well if someone was negative towards them in any way, but I don't think anyone ever has been.

If someone thinks private thoughts that are negative about my dc and I happen to know about it, I like them and respect them a lot less. They're narrow minded people that will have no affect on my life, I have no reason to care about what they think. Unless I choose to fall out with a friend over it.

[Cherriesarelovely]

I just don't understand your posts at all Clouds...it is no reflection on the child? What? If they met the child they would be as kind and welcoming as to any other child? Well, why can't he come to the wedding then? I am aghast that you are defending this woman.

If someone suggested that your child was less of a person because of the circumstances of their conception (because that is exactly what this woman is saying) would you honestly think that was "not serious" and not worth causing problems in a friendship group over?

[curlew]

"It's about their attitude, and they can have whatever attitude they like in private."

And the OP can have whatever attitude she likes- as, for instance, telling her soon to be ex friend that if her son isn't welcome at the wedding then she won't be there either. And telling the rest of the group, in a calm and factual way, why.

[pigsDOfly]

Of course this woman can think whatever she likes in private CloudsAndTrees, but she isn't keeping it private. As internationlove said read the original post. She told the OP that her child wouldn't be welcome at the wedding because 'a kid like that' being at the wedding would upset a lot of the guests.

You really find that acceptable?

If she were referring to a child in the same way because of his or her race would you still find it acceptable?

[Cherriesarelovely]

Sorry x post. I still don't understand though. These people are not being privately unkind, by excluding OPs son they are making it public. Do you have friends that think negatively about your children in this way? Fair enough if you do but I could never be friends with people that thought this way.

[BabyRuSh]

I know it is a horrible thing to say but it is a cultural thing! (Doesn't make it acceptable). My best friend was widowed young and doesn't get invited to any weddings as she is considered 'bad luck' to have at a wedding. It's terrible and not very enlightened. I'm not sure I would want to have a friend like that either!

[Cherriesarelovely]

Crikey BabyRuSh that is so awful, your poor friend.

[internationallove985]

@ Needlescuties. Brilliant idea. However I'd tell her damn face what I thought if I was blessed with the opportunity. xx
O.M.G just looked at the time. I'll have to say Good night. I'm missing Question time. My favorite programme, will have to get a bath after question time,now. .
This site is certainly addictive. xxx

[MidniteScribbler]

I don't see it as a reflection on the child at all. If they met the child I'd almost guarantee they would be as kind and welcoming as they would be to any other child belonging to the brides friends at the wedding.

But they aren't being as kind and welcoming as they would be to any other child. The child has been deliberately excluded because of the circumstances of their birth, while other children have been invited. I'm sure that if no children had been invited (and the stupid bitch had kept her ignorant mouth shut) that this wouldn't be an issue. It's not about someone having a child free wedding, it's about a child being excluded because of the make up of their family.

Would you agree with your child being excluded from somewhere because they are from a single parent family? What about a disability? Colour of their skin?

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

Someone up thread said that the bride is worried about a 'whispering campaign' about the OP on the day. Any chance that Bride is worried that this will hurt and upset the OP on the day, and hence has made the completely misguided step of excluding her son?

In which case:
Yes she is over thinking it as no one would actually know whether OP's son's Dad is busy/deceased/an ONS/in the army/ whatever
Yes she has referred rather horribly to the OP's son as a child of 'that type'
Yes she has gone about this all wrong
BUT she's not actually a prejudiced idiot herself, just an over-worried idiot.

It's the only explanation I can think of that gives a chance is saving this friendship :(

[McGeeDiNozzo]

It's not good, is it. Yes, it might be a cultural thing, but some 'cultural things' should be consigned to the dustbin of history. That said I don't think there was any premeditated malice in her remarks: I agree with Giraffes that she's an 'over-worried idiot'.

Of course you can't go to the wedding, though. She got it very wrong and she has to find out that she got it very wrong.

[Kiwiinkits]

No-one, NO-ONE, would speak about a child of mine like that without me going absolutely APESHIT on their arse! How DARE she say that to you, "a kid "like that""! It would be instant end of friendship for me.