AIBU about DS and wedding invite?

[Dontlookattheknees]

A old high school friend of mine is getting married. In school we had been very good friends but have drifted apart (we were in a group of about 8. 4 of us are still best friends but all 8 of us still talk and see each other)
All 7 in this group have been invited to the wedding and were all excited (we want to go out and buy saris to wear)
She is the first to get married out of this group. 
When my invite came it didn't include DS which I was a bit shocked at because it is a massive wedding with lots of kids (a big Bengali bash) but I figured they had to draw the line somewhere so chose not to invite friends kids (I'm the only one out of the 8 to have a DC) It doesn't bother me.
I bumped into her today in town and she said she got my RSVP and I was asking how plans were going.
She said that she hoped I understood why DS wasn't invited
I told her that it was fine that kids weren't invited and it would be nice to have a night out (I'm a single parent) 
She was pleased I understood that it would be difficult to have DS there but I should know that kids will be there at the wedding
I must have looked puzzled because she carried on that because DS doesn't have a father, and that it would upset a lot of guests if a kid "like that" was at the wedding, so she and her FI decided that it would be best if my DS wasn't invited as having him at the wedding wasn't really appropriate

I was stunned, I ended up making my excuses

But that's not on is it?
(I know it's her day and all that crap) but it isn't the 1813 so AIBU to think she is being unreasonable and ridiculous?

[NotSoNervous]

That's what you call a friend?

[KobayashiMaru]

It's an arranged marriage, it can't be totally surprising that there are some "traditional" values in her family, such as only having children when married?

Sure, she was rude, but sounds like a cultural thing, no need for such vitriol.

[ALMOSTMRSG]

Nasty, nasty bitch. You should have asked her to explain what she meant by a kid 'like that'. Like what? What the hell does that mean. I am really angry on your behalf.
DO NOT GO!

[morticia74]

Well, if you really wanted to be a bitch you could point out that you can't go to her wedding because you don't approve of arranged marriages.

Or just tell her to sod off.

There's no guarantee that any marriage will work out -including this little Princess's and she could well end up as a single mother herself.

Then who will she come to for support?

[Bobyan]

A cultural thing?!?

So if someone was racist but were of a certain "culture" it's acceptable? If course it isn't.
Culture doesn't excuse bigotry.

[ALMOSTMRSG]

What Bobyan said.^^

[TolliverGroat]

Wow. No way should you go to the wedding. That's just... well, words fail me, which they don't very often. And yes, tell your other friends why you won't be there.

[Basketofchocolate]

If you have such a long history together and up until now have considered her nice and your friend then perhaps call her up and meet for coffee and ask her to explain more?

Perhaps she really does feel that way (but best not to drop her until you are sure?)

Perhaps it is pressure from other relatives? Esp if she is not paying for the wedding herself?

Perhaps explain to her that whatever she or anyone else thinks of you being a single parent that it is not your child's fault in any way. That you feel that it is a judgement on him, rather than you (if she feels you are in the wrong being a single parent). That you had hoped you would always be friends, that your kids would be friends, etc. How will you explain to a child that this is why he is being excluded - does she think that is fair on him? It seriously may not have occurred to her. She prob has a lot on and has perhaps overlooked the full implications of it. Also perhaps wrapped up in herself right now with the wedding and just not as thoughtful as usual?

Friends can be easily lost over small things, but the older you are, the harder it can be to find and make new friends who are meaningful. It would be a shame to put a potential spanner in the works of your friendship group if this is a misunderstanding.

Find out first for sure what the intention is/was.

[BegoniaBampot]

No it doesn't make it nice but some cultures practice certain or s and have set ideas on what is acceptable. I'm just curious if this is normal thinking in that community. I might not like or agree but it might not be that surprising. My friends experience of arranged marriage really shocked me but she and her family all seemed to think it was normal.

[BegoniaBampot]

I also imagine that your friend is under a lot of family pressure so might not actually feel this way herself. Does she have much say over the wedding or does the parents arrange it all and have the final say?

[apostropheuse]

It's an arranged marriage, it can't be totally surprising that there are some "traditional" values in her family, such as only having children when married? Sure, she was rude, but sounds like a cultural thing, no need for such vitriol.

Many cultures/religions teach that children should be born to a married couple. It's what they say is the right thing to do and it's their right to say what their beliefs are. That is how they perceive the correct situation to be.

However, when a child is actually born to unmarried parents they should not ostracise that child nor his/her parents. That child should be welcomed every bit as much as any other child. The child is a total innocent who deserves respect and love, nothing less. There are absolutely no excuses to justify treating a little child like this. None whatsoever.

I may well be vitriolic about this, but I think this is perfectly justified.

[CloudsAndTrees]

I don't think she was rude. She tried to talk to you about the situation she is in in a nice way, but it didn't come out very well.

It's very easy to say 'drop her as a friend' but if she is of a culture that has strong traditional values, then it could be very hard for her to stand up to her family and insist your ds is invited. Because that's the reality of what she would have to do.

It's sad for you and your ds, but I wouldn't lose a friend who is lovely in all other ways over something it would be very hard for her to control.

[Finola1step]

Wow. I have many Bengali friends and colleagues and I find her reasoning very odd. At all the Bengali weddings I have been to,everyone is welcome. In fact I have been to weddings where invited people have brought along extra family and friends - everyone is accommodated, welcomed, fed well etc. The older relatives will be far too busy chatting amongst themselves and entertaining senior members of the community to notice the children running about.

I think your friend's explanation says much more about what she thinks about you and your son. I think she is hiding behind a cultural excuse, hoping that you won't question it.

I'm sorry to say OP that your friend has made a terrible judgement about you and your son. I don't see how the friendship can move on from here.

[ConfusedPixie]

That's madness. Cultural reasons or not, it is still madness!

[freemanbatch]

is it a wedding where the genders are separated before the service?

that is the only excuse I can think of that might make this ok, not what she said but the decision they made.

I wouldn't go though that's for sure.

[rockybalboa]

OMG!!!! I'd be pretty outraged but possibly it's a cultural thing so you might just have to suck it up if you want to go.

[tobiasfunke]

Even if it is cultural- why on earth would she tell you? How did she think that was likely to make you feel anything other than pissed off. She could have made up any reason- like not enough spaces. No kids except family. You wouldn't have known any different. The fact she chose to tell you meant that she is judging you. She is a biatch.

[Idrinksquash]

Considering you had already accepted that your DS wasn't invited, it doesn't seem like there was any need for her to explain the real reason other than to spit her own thinly veiled venom.

I'd say "I can't believe these sort of woman exist in the 21st century", but nothing surprises me anymore.

[Dontlookattheknees]

I (in part) get why some of you are saying about it being cultural or pressure about the wedding. Even though it is arranged and in some ways she is 'traditional' in others - she is planning the wedding with her mums and sisters help, she has a career, our gay friend is invited, so it doesn't fit really.

Good point tobias and Idrink

[carovioletfizz]

Dontlook, what a horrible woman. She is not your friend, despite your history together - a friend simply would not say something so hurtful to you. Do not give her any more space in your life - or you can guarantee this won't be the last time she hurts your feelings. She sounds awful.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

[raisah]

She is being stupid and narrow minded. I was surprised that she didnt invite your ds because asian weddings are inclusive. But when you stated your reason it didnt surprise me at all, some asians are ultra conservative and appearances count. However, how would the other guests know that you are a lone parent unless she advertises it to all & sundry? She is being a very prejudiced bridezilla who is imagining that there will be a whispering campaign during her day about the fatherless state of your son. Ring her to say why you are not coming & tell her that you hope she is never made to feel ashamed of her kids oneday.

[cory]

It doesn't make sense. If it is cultural to disapprove of extramarital sex- why invite the person who did it and exclude the innocent product?