AIBU about DS and wedding invite?

[Dontlookattheknees]

A old high school friend of mine is getting married. In school we had been very good friends but have drifted apart (we were in a group of about 8. 4 of us are still best friends but all 8 of us still talk and see each other)
All 7 in this group have been invited to the wedding and were all excited (we want to go out and buy saris to wear)
She is the first to get married out of this group. 
When my invite came it didn't include DS which I was a bit shocked at because it is a massive wedding with lots of kids (a big Bengali bash) but I figured they had to draw the line somewhere so chose not to invite friends kids (I'm the only one out of the 8 to have a DC) It doesn't bother me.
I bumped into her today in town and she said she got my RSVP and I was asking how plans were going.
She said that she hoped I understood why DS wasn't invited
I told her that it was fine that kids weren't invited and it would be nice to have a night out (I'm a single parent) 
She was pleased I understood that it would be difficult to have DS there but I should know that kids will be there at the wedding
I must have looked puzzled because she carried on that because DS doesn't have a father, and that it would upset a lot of guests if a kid "like that" was at the wedding, so she and her FI decided that it would be best if my DS wasn't invited as having him at the wedding wasn't really appropriate

I was stunned, I ended up making my excuses

But that's not on is it?
(I know it's her day and all that crap) but it isn't the 1813 so AIBU to think she is being unreasonable and ridiculous?

[GTbaby]

Omg. I think your friend is loopy. At these big traditional weddings no one sits there going "oh who's child is this? Who is the mum who is the dad? What no dad!!!! Arghhhhh"

I'm angry for you.

[carolthesecretary]

Speechless!

I would cut all ties pronto.

[Cherriesarelovely]

Seriously Clouds? You would honestly want to continue a friendship with someone who said that about your child?!

[Helltotheno]

OP if you go to this wedding, after being told you/your child are no better than a piece of shit on this person's shoe, you will be condoning that view of your child. In life, you have to represent your children on many different occasions and prove that they come first for you. This is one such occasion.

Don't let your child down.

[pigsDOfly]

I can't believe that some posters are defending her remarks as cultural, so therefore understandable and somehow acceptable.

So the fact that certain sections of society in this country are racist makes it all right does it, if it's been that way for generations, because therefore it's cultural.

Many years ago children 'born out of wedlock' were treated with contempt and marked out from the rest of society as 'bastards', which is precisely what this woman is saying with her 'a kid like' that remark.

I don't care how much pressure she's under from family, she's not a child and she was the one who made the remark.

Please don't go to this wedding OP and tell her and your mutual friends why. Why would you want to have contact with someone who would make such disgusting remark about your child

[Thumbwitch]

I'd decline her invitation. Sure she might be worried that some of the oldies at the wedding would look a touch askance at a single mum, but if she had a spark of nouse, she could have said you were widowed or divorced or something.

She obviously has issues herself over you being a single mum too, or she would have thought her way around it. As she hadn't, fuck her off and tell her that if your DS isn't good enough to be at her wedding then neither of you will be going.

Cheek.

[Cherriesarelovely]

PigsDofly summed it up brilliantly.

[pigletmania]

I would not go to the wedding, she wou not be my friend anymore, sorry she is nasty

[olgaga]

For goodness sake - you were friends at secondary school. You've drifted apart.

She obviously invited you out of some kind of pathetic "politeness" so she didn't look bad to your mutual friends.

"Politely" decline, and let it go. She's no longer in your life, why is it a problem?

[pebblepots]

How very rude. I don't think I could go under those circumstances. What are you going to do?

[quoteunquote]

Sure, she was rude, but sounds like a cultural thing, no need for such vitriol

Oh that is interesting, thanks KobayashiMaru, I must of missed that lesson at school, culture is an excuse for being completely vile hateful bullying shit.

That explains a lot.

The culture I was brought up in this type of behaviour would not be acceptable ,

Is there a list of cultures where this behaviour is acceptable in? Just so I know.

OP , Do not waste another second of your life on these backward thick bullies, do not expose your child to such sad hatred.

And be totally honest if anyone asks why you are not going, anything else would be added insult to your son.

So sad when people waste their live being shit, what a class A pair of poisonous sick twonks,

Build a dam and don't let toxic waste into your son's world.

[Dontlookattheknees]

You are all right - I will have to decline but I will have to tell the other girls in the group.
I'll have to think about what I tell the others - saying that of course I'll have to tell my best friends so they will all find out. I'll give it a think about if I call her out on it but if I do I will have to let it settle first

olgaga sorry think you misunderstood. We still do things as the group we were in HS, it is just that we are no longer a group of 8 bfs. While I am still bf with 3 in the same group we all as a 8 still do things together as a friendship group. So before this I would count her as a friend (and a good one at that)

[Fakebook]

Really?

[Cherriesarelovely]

If I were you I would tell the other friends that you are not going because you were made aware that your Ds wasn't welcome and why.

[Jinsei]

I'm sorry OP, how horrible! :(

I wouldn't go to the wedding if I were you, and I would explain why. I would also tell any mutual friends why I wouldn't be attending and hope they might boycott the wedding too.

I don't buy the excuse that "it's cultural". Her prejudice may well be rooted in her cultural background, but it is prejudice nonetheless. I have Bengali friends who would be appalled at her attitude.

I quite like the suggestion of e-mailing her to ask her to clarify what she meant. That way, you can double check that you haven't misunderstood in any way before you respond and if she proves herself to be a narrow-minded bigot, you can forward the email to all of your mutual friends.

[Helltotheno]

Send her a short curt message taking back your RVSP to say you'd go. Then tell your other friends why. Job done. Nothing to think about here. She's the arse, not you.

[foreverondiet]

Vile behaviour. And I come from a religious background, where having a child if you not married is a bit frowned on - but even then, how horrible.

She could have just pretended that your DP/DH/SI was away / at work etc if anyone asked - ie when is [name DS's father] oh I don't know he couldn't come..... But that would be her problem and not yours.

I agree tell everyone why you aren't going. Awful.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

The woman does not get to chose her husband, why would you think she get a real say on her wedding guests?

[pigletmania]

It sounds like its her view, how come a gay couple or something is going? It does not matter what your religious views, ds should no be treated like this and op has every right to change her mind

[sashh]

so she and her FI decided that it would be best if my DS wasn't invited as having him at the wedding wasn't really appropriate

FI? husband to be? Or his family. She might be under a lot of pressure.

It might also be that at the wedding men and women are separate, so your son would be on his own in a strange place, with people who may not be speaking English.

How old is your son?

[Helltotheno]

sash it's very very obvious from the OP what the 'friend' meant.
Why would you try and excuse that?

[ll31]

Nasty thing to say and do, think you have to decline and explain why. Hod could you look ur ds in eye otherwise

[ll31]

How not hod

[Snazzywaitingforsummer]

The cultural things is rubbish. I know plenty of people who belong to religious/social groups where sex outside marriage is frowned upon. I have never known any of them be rude or unkind to a child who is a product of sex outside marriage. Sometimes unpleasant people are just unpleasant people. I know it's a shock to find this out about someone after a long history of friendship but it does happen surprisingly often and wedding arrangements are often the catalyst - check out the many, many threads on similar problems.

Withdraw your attendance in a cool but dignified way, and tell the others in your friendship group what's happened in the same manner. She will be worse off without you in her life, not the other way around.

[BergholtStuttleyJohnson]

YANBU. My religion teaches no sex before marriage but theres no way I'd ever behave like your friend! She sounds like a nasty judgemental arsehole. You must feel really hurt by it . I wouldn't feel like going if I were you and I'd let her know why.