AIBU about DS and wedding invite?

[Dontlookattheknees]

A old high school friend of mine is getting married. In school we had been very good friends but have drifted apart (we were in a group of about 8. 4 of us are still best friends but all 8 of us still talk and see each other)
All 7 in this group have been invited to the wedding and were all excited (we want to go out and buy saris to wear)
She is the first to get married out of this group. 
When my invite came it didn't include DS which I was a bit shocked at because it is a massive wedding with lots of kids (a big Bengali bash) but I figured they had to draw the line somewhere so chose not to invite friends kids (I'm the only one out of the 8 to have a DC) It doesn't bother me.
I bumped into her today in town and she said she got my RSVP and I was asking how plans were going.
She said that she hoped I understood why DS wasn't invited
I told her that it was fine that kids weren't invited and it would be nice to have a night out (I'm a single parent) 
She was pleased I understood that it would be difficult to have DS there but I should know that kids will be there at the wedding
I must have looked puzzled because she carried on that because DS doesn't have a father, and that it would upset a lot of guests if a kid "like that" was at the wedding, so she and her FI decided that it would be best if my DS wasn't invited as having him at the wedding wasn't really appropriate

I was stunned, I ended up making my excuses

But that's not on is it?
(I know it's her day and all that crap) but it isn't the 1813 so AIBU to think she is being unreasonable and ridiculous?

[dufflefluffle]

If you are going to refuse to go please please tell her - calmly and to the point - why not. It is a backward attitude.

[ohnoudidnt]

Im sorry,that must be so upsetting. How evil of this woman. I hope you are ok xx Im angry for you.

[Helltotheno]

would speak about a child of mine like that without me going absolutely APESHIT on their arse

Yeah you'd think, wouldn't you? I feel exactly the same. Constantly amazed though by the number of people prepared to put this sort of carry on from people they label friends, family etc before their own children.

OP hasn't been back which is usually an indicator that someone is going against the general advice... would like to be wrong though :)

[Pixieonthemoor]

Breathtakingly awful. "A child like that"????? I am utterly speechless. Have you decided what to do OP? I know what I would be doing. I would write rescinding the positive RSVP, ending the friendship and saying heaven forfend that something should happen to your marriage/husband and you find yourself in the position of single parent. If they are genuinely offended by children being born out of wedlock then surely (sorry to be harsh here) they would not have invited you?! But I guess that would cause too much hoo-ha amongst your friend group so she just decided to be a vile bigot towards your son. I would also let all your friendship group know exactly what she said to you and then sit back and watch them all back out of the wedding too.

I am so so sorry that this has happened to you.

[pigletmania]

In my eyes it is no different if she had said that there are Chidren at the wedding, just not your bastard son. Sorry if I've caused offence npbut for me thats how it would be

[pigletmania]

And who saids those things about my child, Noway! Everytime we would meet up and sh would be Nicey nice to my son, I would know its all an act. Noboy talks about my Chidren in that way

[pigletmania]

I could not be friends with someone who look down on me, op friend may on the surface be inclusive and excepting, but deep down she holds those feelings, sorry clouds I don't agree one bit. I could not be at a wedding and look happy for someone who thought of me like that, and who looks down on me. In fact tey would not be my friend anymore!

[pigletmania]

Exactly kwinkits, it does not matter about culture. The fact that she said the phrase 'a kid like tat' speaks volumes about what she really thinks of you and your situation.

[Kiwiinkits]

No-one, NO-ONE, would speak about a child of mine like that without me going absolutely APESHIT on their arse! How DARE she say that to you, "a kid "like that""! It would be instant end of friendship for me.

[McGeeDiNozzo]

It's not good, is it. Yes, it might be a cultural thing, but some 'cultural things' should be consigned to the dustbin of history. That said I don't think there was any premeditated malice in her remarks: I agree with Giraffes that she's an 'over-worried idiot'.

Of course you can't go to the wedding, though. She got it very wrong and she has to find out that she got it very wrong.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

Someone up thread said that the bride is worried about a 'whispering campaign' about the OP on the day. Any chance that Bride is worried that this will hurt and upset the OP on the day, and hence has made the completely misguided step of excluding her son?

In which case:
Yes she is over thinking it as no one would actually know whether OP's son's Dad is busy/deceased/an ONS/in the army/ whatever
Yes she has referred rather horribly to the OP's son as a child of 'that type'
Yes she has gone about this all wrong
BUT she's not actually a prejudiced idiot herself, just an over-worried idiot.

It's the only explanation I can think of that gives a chance is saving this friendship :(

[MidniteScribbler]

I don't see it as a reflection on the child at all. If they met the child I'd almost guarantee they would be as kind and welcoming as they would be to any other child belonging to the brides friends at the wedding.

But they aren't being as kind and welcoming as they would be to any other child. The child has been deliberately excluded because of the circumstances of their birth, while other children have been invited. I'm sure that if no children had been invited (and the stupid bitch had kept her ignorant mouth shut) that this wouldn't be an issue. It's not about someone having a child free wedding, it's about a child being excluded because of the make up of their family.

Would you agree with your child being excluded from somewhere because they are from a single parent family? What about a disability? Colour of their skin?

[internationallove985]

@ Needlescuties. Brilliant idea. However I'd tell her damn face what I thought if I was blessed with the opportunity. xx
O.M.G just looked at the time. I'll have to say Good night. I'm missing Question time. My favorite programme, will have to get a bath after question time,now. .
This site is certainly addictive. xxx

[Cherriesarelovely]

Crikey BabyRuSh that is so awful, your poor friend.

[BabyRuSh]

I know it is a horrible thing to say but it is a cultural thing! (Doesn't make it acceptable). My best friend was widowed young and doesn't get invited to any weddings as she is considered 'bad luck' to have at a wedding. It's terrible and not very enlightened. I'm not sure I would want to have a friend like that either!

[Cherriesarelovely]

Sorry x post. I still don't understand though. These people are not being privately unkind, by excluding OPs son they are making it public. Do you have friends that think negatively about your children in this way? Fair enough if you do but I could never be friends with people that thought this way.

[pigsDOfly]

Of course this woman can think whatever she likes in private CloudsAndTrees, but she isn't keeping it private. As internationlove said read the original post. She told the OP that her child wouldn't be welcome at the wedding because 'a kid like that' being at the wedding would upset a lot of the guests.

You really find that acceptable?

If she were referring to a child in the same way because of his or her race would you still find it acceptable?

[curlew]

"It's about their attitude, and they can have whatever attitude they like in private."

And the OP can have whatever attitude she likes- as, for instance, telling her soon to be ex friend that if her son isn't welcome at the wedding then she won't be there either. And telling the rest of the group, in a calm and factual way, why.

[Cherriesarelovely]

I just don't understand your posts at all Clouds...it is no reflection on the child? What? If they met the child they would be as kind and welcoming as to any other child? Well, why can't he come to the wedding then? I am aghast that you are defending this woman.

If someone suggested that your child was less of a person because of the circumstances of their conception (because that is exactly what this woman is saying) would you honestly think that was "not serious" and not worth causing problems in a friendship group over?

[CloudsAndTrees]

I understand the reason why. I don't agree with them, but I respect their right to think what they like as long as they don't show it to other people.

I do have dc, ones born out of wedlock as it happens, as was I. I wouldn't take it very well if someone was negative towards them in any way, but I don't think anyone ever has been.

If someone thinks private thoughts that are negative about my dc and I happen to know about it, I like them and respect them a lot less. They're narrow minded people that will have no affect on my life, I have no reason to care about what they think. Unless I choose to fall out with a friend over it.

[internationallove985]

Hi Don't look at the knees. I'm definetly going for a bath soon, I'll still be saying that at 2 in the morning. (L.O.L) However I'd just like to have a word with another poster if that's okay. xx

Clouds and trees . I come with no disrespect, but please read O.P's thread in detail. She's not upset that her D.S is not invited to the wedding it's the reason why. Also okay she was hoping for a night out where is the crime in that.
If you have been blessed with D.C how would you feel if something negative was said about them?.... You'd be angry wouldn't you! and you'd be well within your right to be. x

[CloudsAndTrees]

I don't see it as a reflection on the child at all. If they met the child I'd almost guarantee they would be as kind and welcoming as they would be to any other child belonging to the brides friends at the wedding.

It's about their attitude, and they can have whatever attitude they like in private.

[internationallove985]

What!! She said that to you about your D.S. How shallow, closed minded and immature is she. Is it the fault of your son that you're a single mum.
I'd tell her where to stick her invitation and drop her like hot potato and I would not be polite either. You owe it to your D.S you can't possibly go to a wedding knowing the bride did not want your son there. I'm sorry for little miss perfect (the bride to be) but when you're a mum you come as a package and it's a case of love me love my baby. How can anyone reject an innocent child. What a horrible horrible nasty piece of work, she's not your friend. I wouldn't even expect that of my worse enemy. Sadly there are still many people out there still living in 1320 rather than 2013.
Don't worry karma will have her beady eye on her and one day she may pay her a visit in the from of single parenthood and who knows by then you may have met a "d.p" and you can then have the joy of looking down and passing judgement on her.
Sorry for the long rant but as a single mum myself this has really got to me. I'll sign off now before I say too much and start swearing. Plus I'm going for a bath and then going to watch question time.
You seem like amazing mum B.T.W. xxx

[Snazzywaitingforsummer]

I'd have to disagree, CloudsAndTrees, because the friend has said the child is less welcome (in fact not welcome at all) at the event because his parents aren't married. That's unkind, even if the child doesn't know it. And it is incredibly rude about both the OP and her child to tell her this.

[FriendlyLadybird]

No, CloudsAndTrees, whatever anyone may think about a woman who had a child 'out of wedlock' (which may not even be the case for OP), the idea that anyone could even think that it could be reflected on the CHILD is absolutely disgusting. I wouldn't just lose a friend over it, I'd chuck them so hard they bounced. And that would be the case if I weren't the mother of the child concerned.