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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be gutted DS didn't get invited

61 replies

Smilehappy · 19/06/2013 15:21

Went to nursery to pick DS up and the teacher was handing out invites for one of the kids birthdays, my child however didn't have one I heard some of the other parents talking about it etc and feel a bit sorry my DS didn't get one, I'm not sure who got and who didn't but is say 90% of the kiddies got one now starting to wonder why, and if I was to have a party for DS I would invite ALL kids as I find it only fair, not sure of the other persons circumstances... I can't help but feel sorry for my DS missing out on a social event his friends will be attending, it saddens me he may miss out...

Anyone else

OP posts:

Original poster

Smilehappy · 19/06/2013 15:21

Experienced this?

OP posts:

MerryOnMerlot · 19/06/2013 15:24

I never invite my DC's entire class to birthday parties. Not suggesting that YABU but just thought I'd let you know that it's maybe not as unusual as you think.

imademarion · 19/06/2013 15:27

As you say, you don't know for sure who did and didn't get an invite. It is probably not personal.

Best thing you can do is grow a thick skin and model the same for your DS; he's got years ahead of him being include, excluded and making the decision himself whom to invite.

He won't always want to invite everyone, and you'll find the activity and budget over the years will preclude this.

Hope he's not gutted himself; I hope one day it matters less to you too!

MrsFrederickWentworth · 19/06/2013 15:28

I think nursery is diff from the first years in primacy. No logic to it, but a feeling that they don't really mzje proper friends at that age.

But also, pockets are stretched and rooms often small, so people do limit things.

It's still gutting, I know. Been there.

antshouse · 19/06/2013 15:28

Limit on numbers at the venue so child picks best friends and mum adds a few if she is friendly with their parents.

Original poster

Smilehappy · 19/06/2013 15:35

He is my eldest so first time I have experienced this, I am just worried that he may be left out, as he is capable of knowing what is going on so I don't want him to personally feel excluded. I haven't mentioned anything to him about myself being gutted, as I wouldn't want to rub off on him but I don't think any parent can help but feel sad their child is feeling left out. His birthday is oVer summer holidays but thinking about having a party in September so his friends can come... I will invite all children,

OP posts:

GreenShadow · 19/06/2013 15:35

We've never been able to invite everyone - parties were always held at home so max of 10 or so.

Having said that, would never have invited 80-90% of any class / group.

TheSurgeonsMate · 19/06/2013 15:36

I think at this age, I would just relax and give everyone a break. The whole party thing is new to everyone, some people are having them, some aren't. Many people giving them are going to be first timers. Who knows how a person works out who their toddler's friends might be? It's probably different as the years go by and there's some sort of local convention established.

Mrsrobertduvall · 19/06/2013 15:37

I only had small parties, and the children were those who dcs knew really well...parents we socialised with.
I never did a whole class party. Maximum 10.

LemonBreeland · 19/06/2013 15:40

I don't have a problem with not everyone being invited, however I really don't think teachers shouldbe giving out the invites, unless the whole class gets one. or they should go subtly in the childs bag.

loveliesbleeding1 · 19/06/2013 15:43

If he says anything about being upset say oh thats ok thats the day we will be making cakes, going to that new park, riding bikes as far as we can get e.g, its happened to my daughter befor and thats what I did with her, this will always happen as it can be v.expensive to invite whole classes.im sure your little lad will have a lovely day regardless

Crinkle77 · 19/06/2013 15:46

It seems a bit strange that the teacher would hand out the invites as surely all the children would see what the teacher was doing. Is this usual practice or should it have been left to the parent?

Original poster

Smilehappy · 19/06/2013 15:48

Lemon- yeah that's what made it more annoying to be honest, the fact the teachers were handing them out... Not there job

Lovelie- I think that's a fantastic idea i will make sure he has an awesome day!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 19/06/2013 15:48

I've never invited a whole class

I mean for starters, not every child likes everyone in their class so why should they be forced to spend their birthday with them? And then there's the extra cost...

My DC have normally limited invites to about 15...which is kind of half the class.

Devora · 19/06/2013 15:50

OP, it IS devastatingly sad when your child first gets left out of a birthday party. But I promise you, you will soon toughen up

I think the general convention is that it is ok to invite up to 60% of the class to a party, but anything over that is a bit mean to those who are excluded. I have only had one 'big' party and I stuck with that rule, along with "no using party invites as a tool to manipulate other children. Your mates are down on the list, however much they annoy you the Tuesday before".

I do find myself still squinting unpleasantly a bit at the class kid who my daughter adores, who always gets invited to our parties, but has not in 3 years extended an invitation back. But, you know, she is allowed to choose her own friends (even if she is clearly a shockingly stupid child for not wanting one of them to be my dd) and she has never been rude about it so I just have to suck it up.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 19/06/2013 15:51

Smile it's REALLY hard when we have to see this as parents....but honestly I promise that it gets better....teachers often hand them out.....I think they should put them quietly in book bags myself but I think teachers do usually do the giving out.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 19/06/2013 15:53

Agree with lovlies but also be aware that there will be LOADS of parties soon and you'll be wondering how to get out of them!

Floggingmolly · 19/06/2013 15:55

At nursery age, I imagine it's a case of the mum's inviting the children of her friends, rather than the child making the decision.
You do find little cliques of mum's who went to the same NCT classes, play groups, baby massage classes, you name it, and they carry this on with playdates and parties until the kids are old enough to choose their own friends.
Won't be long!

WorraLiberty · 19/06/2013 15:56

Yes I'd be careful about making sure he has an 'awesome day', because where will it end?

This is the first party of many that he won't be invited to

But equally, he'll be invited to many too.

Mrsrobertduvall · 19/06/2013 15:57

In our primary, teachers were not allowed to give out invites.
It had to be the parents at either beginning/end of day.

Oohmeback · 19/06/2013 16:19

My daughter came hom from school crying that all of her reception class except her got an invitation to a party, i tried to explain to her that sometimes people couldnt invite everyone for varying reasons.This didnt wash with her and the next day she marched up to the Mum of party kid and told her that it wasnt fair that she hadnt been invited when everyone else had! The mum was soooooooo apologetic to my daughters dad and said it wasnt intentional and gave her an invite! I'm a bit puzzled how you could 'forget' one child.......

Oohmeback · 19/06/2013 16:21

and to add, i think invites shouldnt be given out in classrooms if not all the class has been invited. I know they need to learn that they cant be invited to every party but it still makes them feel left out and its kinda mean.

claraschu · 19/06/2013 16:30

He won't care or even be aware at this age. Your job is to keep him from noticing, then to downplay it if HE is upset. Often the parents are upset and the child is matter-of-fact until he picks up on the parent's feelings.

As a rule, I think the right thing to do is invite either a small group of close friends (4 or 5), all the girls, all the boys, or the whole class. Lots of people don't stick to this; it's just what I think works so no one feels too terrible. Lots of people think that the child should just invite whoever he wants, but I think this is a perfect opportunity to make kids think about everyone's feelings. Mine have always gone along with this, understood the situation, and been happy to include people who might not have been their first choice of friends.

AaDB · 19/06/2013 16:32

I understand that it can feel like your lo is being left out. In nursery and Reception there seemed to be quite a lot of contact with other parents. You will care less as your lo progresses through school.

My ds is just finishing y1 and couldn't cares less if he is invited to parties.

We had a whole class party for his first party. His birthday was first term and there were only 4 DC he didn't want to invite. Can't wait two friends for a sleepover or cinema trip instead.

Tallalime · 19/06/2013 16:34

Oh it is possible to 'forget' one child accidently believe me.

My DD's birthday is the beginning of January, so when I wrote the invites I used the class list I had gotten for her Xmas cards in Dec.

Of course one extra child had started in the Jan term, even worse he is the only child in a wheelchair, even WORSE he is one of twins, the other twin started school in Sept so obviously got an invite.

I was mortified when I realised, though I did identify his mother and explain what had happened and that he was of course invited.

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