To feel annoyed English will never become the main language in DP's life...

[chicoingles]

Hi there,

My DP is Spanish and would say she was fluent in English (very good English accent and only noticeable she is foreign when she pronounces certain words, but you couldn't guess she was Spanish at all) but when she gets angry/is tired tends to switch to Spanish. We have been together for 7 years now and it has always been like this, although we did spend the first 4 years of our relationship mainly speaking in Spanish, whereas now we mainly speak English. I do have have a degree in Spanish but feel our relationship works better in English. AIBU thinking English will never become totally natural for her? Would be very interested in hearing the opinions of any foreign ladies who have an English DP.

But what do you mean, 'work better'?

You mean you argue less? Or you feel less stressed? Or you have fewer misunderstandings?

It is genuinely tiring to be working in a language you're not totally comfortable in. I don't think anyone could blame you for feeling that way. And it may well be she is more able to cope in English than you are to cope in Spanish. But I don't think you can therefore expect her to use English all the time - basically, you're just not totally compatible if this is something you can't put up with. It's not her fault.

Mind you, I can see why his partner might have a problem with him...

Yabu

I really dont understand what the problem is tbh, so she insists on speaking her native language occasionally... And?

I tend to use my mother tongue when angry shouting at the dc I dont know why, probably because I feel I can express myself better.

What on earth did you expect when you married a Spaniard?

You are making a problem out of nothing. You both speak Spanish, you both speak English. What has it got to do with you if she speaks Spanish occasionally? What do you care if she speaks Spanish when you are not there?

This sounds more about control and wanting to change a person into something you want to be. No reasonable person would make an issue of this, and most would consider it one of the things that attracted them to their partner.

Its actually very odd.

I'm just concerned that by "work better", you (perhaps subconsciously) mean "gives you the upper hand". I hope not.

I really dont understand what the problem is tbh

The occasions when it bothers the OP are when she is angry or tired. So here is a wild guess, is it because he can win arguments more easily if they only speak his language?

This sounds more about control and wanting to change a person into something you want to be.

^^This.

I'm just concerned that by "work better", you (perhaps subconsciously) mean "gives you the upper hand".

^^And this.

Yes Mummy, it's very difficult to argue against a native speaker in a second language, no matter how fluent you are. It inevitably puts one person at a disadvantage in the discussion.

Don't make her angry. And make sure she gets lots of sleep...

YABU. Why should it be? As long as she has a goid command of English for daily life in an English speaking country, I don't see why it bothers you. Imagine if you both retired to Spain, would she be unreasonable to expect that all conversation from you henceforth, both public and private, should be conducted only in Spanish? I suspect yoj would feel so and you should extend her the same consideration you would expect.

If this is something you find intolerably irritating about your wife, then you are in trouble. Because it goes to the heart of who your wife is, its her identity and birthright to speak her own language when and where she chooses (unless she is at work).

YABU. I would revert to my native language a lot more if only my DH understood it. I just witter on to DS instead. So, it's only English with DH, but that does infuriate me at times, because if I'm angry/excited/whatever I can't always find the words. Neither do I have access to all the nuances and appropriate sayings I could use in my own language.

DH would like to learn my language, but it's one of the hardest, if not the hardest, in Europe. He is getting there slowly, though, from having listened to me talking to DS.

"annoyed" seems an odd word to use about something that doesn't seem to cause either of you any practical difficulties.

With Italian or French friends, I find it much easier to speak in English and understand in their language. Much fairer in a relationship I would have thought. And, if you have kids OPOL is easier.

I find your OP very sad. It sounds like you find who your DP is problematic. Her language is part of her. If you find it annoying, that is very worrying.

What's LTB in Spanish?

I can't understand you saying you would like her to speak English all the time. You are in a relationship with Spanish person, if you don't like that person speaking Spanish then why would you begin a long term relationship? I live abroad and also find that when I am tired or stressed the language of my adopted country gets pushed out by my mother tongue.

I would not be at all happy if I had a foreign husband who expected me to speak his native language exclusively.

YABU

DEB

Deja el Bastardo

oops, wrong gender, that'll be my bloody English coming through because I'm tired, should have been

Dejo el Bastardo

Salga el bastardo!

"Deja a ese cabronazo" would be a better translation (a Spaniard here). Although the word "bastardo" does exist, we don't really use it in Spain.

OP, you do sound like a bit of a knob. Why in Hell should your girlfriend even contemplate renouncing to Spanish?

Thank you aurynne I'm in Chile and so the spanish I hear isn't always correct, plus I'm not fluent.

OP your post is really sad. You don't sound very supportive.

My DH finds it easier to speak Portugese (and Spanish) over English. After x number of years, he still finds English hard. I really wish my language skills were better so I could give him a break from English in his own home.

*Portuguese
My language skills are so bad I can't even get the name of the language correct. Poor DH!

this is all a wind up anyway.

This is such an odd post!

I'm Portuguese and it's as much part of me as my eyes or my wonderful sense if humour. If DH had the problem you describe, I'd infer he had married the wrong person. (and so had I)