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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked so many women are defending Saatchi on MN?

191 replies

PoppyAmex · 17/06/2013 16:53

Thread about a million other threads...

I'm disappointed to read the comments of so many women spouting apologist crap regarding Saatchi's heinous behaviour:

"he looks like he's checking her glands"
"we don't know what she said before he did that"
"we need to hear his side of the story"
"we don't know the background"
"she must be mortified"

YABU to be genuinely shocked with just how many women chose to align themselves with such despicable behaviour?

It makes no sense to me.

OP posts:
Amandaclarke · 17/06/2013 21:08

Shame, embarrassment, mortification? Are some of these posters real? I would hazard a guess that there is a big " Clean up " team on this which reaches far and wide.....

mrsjay · 17/06/2013 21:09

The thing that struck me, is that he didn't look like he had lost control at all - it all looked very calculated

I noticed that too he looks a self absorbed controlling man who is used to people listening to him and doing what he wants Nigella p may not be bowing down and listening to him so he did this and the hand over the mouth picture He really thinks what he did was ok he will never change and I hope Nigella comes to her senses and doesnt take the children back anywhere near him Children also have the affects of domestic violence

ClaireDeTamble · 17/06/2013 21:13

Poppy you're speaking about empathy towards the victim and I totally agree with you, but I can't imagine how telling the victim of a crime "I'd be mortified if I were you" is supportive or denotes any empathy.

There is a huge difference between "I'd be mortified if I were you" said in a jovial your husbands been a bit of a dick kind of way and "I'd be mortified if I were her" because someone has been through DV themselves and understands the embarrassment and shame that comes with it (no matter how unjustified those feelings are) or if they haven't been through it themselves can understand why the victim may feel that way. One is minimising, the other is showing a level of understanding about how the victim may be feeling which tells them that they are not alone, that they are not weird or strange for feeling that way, that it is perfectly normal.

You are right, in the context of the attack the onus very much is on him. It is all about the attacker and the voice of the victim is silenced.

Yes, every victim of DV feels differently about their situation but it is victims of DV that have said that she must be mortified because that is how they felt and their experiences weren't being played out in public. Maybe they are wrong and Nigella doesn't feel that way at all, maybe they are right - we can't possibly know but their motivation comes from support and empathy having been through the situation themselves.

Yet in your OP, you have managed to lump those people in with all of the others that are defending CS, not just silencing and minimising their experience, but suggesting that by feeling that way, it was somehow defensive of an abuser.

MarthasHarbour · 17/06/2013 21:13

I thought his statement was sickening, especially the bit about 'telling' her to take the children, and the mitigation, basically saying 'its not what it looks like guv'

The pictures are so upsetting, particularly the last one on the 'slideshow' where she looks so pained.

Nigella if you are a MNer, have a big woolly hug from me x

KatyDid02 · 17/06/2013 21:29

Poppy

We shouldn't. I wouldn't say it to a victim of DV, but I do feel it with regard to myself- I would be mortified.

Dahlen · 17/06/2013 21:39

I've seen enough of life to know that things are rarely what they seem, especially when presented by the gutter press.

For me, it's CS's own 'explanation' of what happened that has made him appear very guilty. The combination of minimisation and denial is very, very typical of abusers.

HibiscusIsland · 17/06/2013 22:14

Questioning whether all is as it seems in a tabloid photo is NOT the same as being an apologist for abusive behaviour! You'd have to be pretty gullible to take every photo and accompanying article in a tabloid at face value, so there was nothing wrong with people questioning what was happening when the article was first printed.

HibiscusIsland · 17/06/2013 22:16

PS. I agree that CS's explanation has made him appear guilty

MummyAbroad · 17/06/2013 22:25

Is it because people are skeptical of what they read in tabloids or is it also that D.V. is unpalatable and some people want to rationalise it away?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 17/06/2013 22:26

Brief report on BBC 10 o'clock news just now. The pics look even worse on the screen

ghayes · 17/06/2013 22:31

I don't see why this is on the news.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 17/06/2013 22:33

Don't you

MummyAbroad · 17/06/2013 22:34

Domestic violence should be kept hidden at home should it? Hmm

ghayes · 17/06/2013 22:41

No but its only on the news because they are celebrities.

yamsareyammy · 17/06/2013 22:47

Are you the news police?
What if it helps others leave their violent partners?

thebody · 17/06/2013 22:50

Nigella looks in pain and both petrified and pleading.

Very very upsetting pictures. There's also one of him pinching her nose.

BegoniaBampot · 17/06/2013 23:26

Tbh, if I had only looked at certain photos in isolation with no commentary or eye witness accounts, I wouldn't have been able to tell if they were aggressive or sexual. You can't really see how much pressure is being applied. Think this is why some people can initially be cynical, especially given how the press can twist things and don't want to join a lynch mob until much more information is given.

BIWI · 18/06/2013 00:20

Latest news - the police have cautioned him.

Bogeyface · 18/06/2013 00:25

In other words she wont give a statement and they dont have enough evidence for the CPS to prosecute but his lawyers advised him to take the caution because from a PR point of view he needs to be seen as having his wrist slapped.

She wont leave him, nothing will change.

Morloth · 18/06/2013 01:49

It is a very aggressive action to put your hands on someone's throat.

Is it a very vulnerable place for a human, which is why one of our defensive actions is to protect it and lower your head forward.

Horrible intimidating and violent to do that.

I can't think of any excuse for such behaviour. None at all.

I hope she is OK. There should be no pressure on her to do anything, she hasn't done anything wrong.

People should fuck off with their nasty comments about her in this situation.

Mimishimi · 18/06/2013 01:58

At first he used only his left hand, then both. At one stage he tweaked her nose then pushed both hands in her face. Twice Nigella jerked her head backwards as if in fear.

I did not defend him at all in the other AIBU thread where the OP's husband made some disturbing comments but reading the above made me wonder if Saatchi has been taking martial art classes and showed her a move? When my husband did tae kwondo ( he has a black belt) there was a move exactly like that and he showed me to demonstrate how I should defend myself if someone came at me front-on. Of course, I was not terrified nor did we argue afterwards but it's possible that Nigella, being conscious that they are in the public eye, was furious about it then they had the tiff which made her cry.

Well, I did wonder all that until I read his statement that it was just a playful tiff where he was trying to emphasise a point during an intensw debate and, sadly, I think he's just more likelh to be your garden-variety abuser. Sad. Something about Nigella makes me want to give her a big hug and tell her everything will be alright too - she looks a lot like a cousin of mine.

Lazyjaney · 18/06/2013 02:00

IMO basing any views on what the tabloids report is ridiculous - but the CS "statement" is the first piece of real news that indicates what may - may - be going on.

piprabbit · 18/06/2013 02:01

At least he can no longer deny that what he did was an assault - accepting the caution means he also admits his guilt.

IsThisAGoodIdea · 18/06/2013 02:23

I doubt this is new. She has been quoted as saying he is " an exploder". She obviously accepts who is he. She's a woman of independent means and they do not have children together. She could leave if she wanted to. She obviously doesn't want to.

I think the pictures are very depressing. She looks so sad. I have read she had a violent mother and she learned not to cry in front of her. Her mother would beat her children till her hands hurt. Nigella lost a sister and a husband to cancer. The gloss is never all it seems and I feel hugely sorry for her.

But...whatever we think, she has chosen this man and is obviously (incomprehensibly) committed to a life with him, despite his failings. At that point, what can you say? Her life, her choice.

AdoraBell · 18/06/2013 02:34

I have to admit that I haven't seen those comments OP. Only because I can't read the threads, but I have posted on 1 or 2, having done that I can now feel my ex's hands around my throat even though I haven't seen him for over 25 years. I can assure you he was not checking my glands.

Whoever came up with that comment should take a good look at their DDs, sisters, DM, cousins, nieces and other girls/women they know because anyone of them could be killed by something who was probably only checking her glands.

I will say that I am proud of my OH who - despite currently being lost up his own arse- has told DDs why what happened is wrong and that there is never a reason to accept it and they should return home if their future partners display any behavior that makes them afraid and not to wait for violence to occur.

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